Manhattan Infidel

For years Captain Crunch (full name Horatio Magellan Crunch) was the most popular children’s cereal.  Captain Crunch was acclaimed, respected and enjoyed.  But then the fickle hand of fate, dietary trends and pressure from the White House ended Captain Crunch’s once seemingly invulnerable perch atop the cereal chain.  In March of last year, Pepsico, Inc., the parent company of Quaker announced that they will no longer market him.  Since then the Captain has been an officer without a portfolio with nothing to do but wait for retirement.  Recently I sat down with the Captain for this exclusive interview.

MI:  Good morning Captain.

CC:  Good morning.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to get my side of the story out.

MI:  Okay let’s start with that.  How did all this come about?

CC:  Well one day I got a call from the White House.  Michelle Obama wanted to speak to me.  She was concerned about the obesity epidemic in America and didn’t like that fact that I contained 12 grams of sugar in a single serving.

MI:  And what was your response to her concerns?

CC:  I’m afraid I didn’t handle it too well.  I lost my temper and asked her what part of the f#($ing constitution gives her the f#$#ing right to monitor the f#*#ing cereal children eat.  I apologize for my language.

MI:  You’re a sailor.  Sailors are supposed to have salty language.   But back to the First Lady.  What happened after that?

CC:   Well it seems she didn’t like someone pissing in her cornflakes, to borrow a phrase.  She went to Pepsico and told them to stop marketing me.  Next thing you know I’m being called into the home office and told that I had two choices:  Accept a demotion to Commander or retire.  Me?  The Captain accept a demotion?  I should be an f#($ing Admiral for f#$ing Christ’s sake.  I mean, all the joy I’ve given children throughout the years.

MI:  I admit I used to eat you for breakfast all the time when I was a kid.

CC:  See.  And didn’t you enjoy eating the Captain? Didn’t you enjoy putting me in your mouth?

MI:  Um.

CC:  Tasting me.  Taking all of me in your mouth and letting it go down your throat?

MI:  Okay. Well I thank you for your time.

CC:  Yeah, you liked that didn’t you?  Come on.  Take the Captain. Take it all!  You know you f#$*ing want it.  Gag on the Captain!

MI:  What the hell -

CC:  I’m sorry.  It’s just that….just that since the First Lady forced me to retire I haven’t been on a ship.  I miss the companionship of a couple hundred men living together. Enjoying each others company.  Showering together.  Manly naked wrestling matches.  No women whatsoever to ruin our manly pursuits.

MI: Um.  Your fly - it’s down.

CC:  Oh my.  How did that happen.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

CC:  Come back anytime.  You can be my first mate.

And so ended my interview with the Captain.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a shower.

Here at the worldwide headquarters you gonna eat that? of the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut seriously you gonna eat that?  known as Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on our infrequent parole violations ability to bring only the best information to our viewers around the world I don’t care if the bagel fell on the floor I’m hungry give it to me.

Many of my readers stop me in the street after I have stolen their wallet to ask me, “Hey, Manhattan Infidel you are a wise man.  What should I do if confronted by a liberal outbreak?”

Like zombie outbreaks, outbreaks of liberals are much to be feared.  Like zombies, liberals evoke a visceral reaction in survivors: Fear.  Panic.  An overwhelming urge to shoot the advancing horde followed by a desire to flee.   This is normal and you should not feel guilty for having these thoughts.

However one must resist the urge to shoot a liberal.  Remember, he’s probably a lawyer and will sue you. (But not before calling you stupid.)

And so, in keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s mission statement of visiting every strip club in the Northeast providing useful and practical information I know present what to do in case of a liberal outbreak.

• Step One:  Stop! 

If you find yourself confronted by a liberal outbreak your first instinct will be to look for an exit.  However, the exits might already be blocked by a socialist who will be handing out Che Guevara t shirts. Do not panic!  Immediately stand still.  Cease any movement.  Liberals, like dinosaurs, can only see moving objects.

• Step Two:  Drop! 

If you find yourself in the mist of a liberal outbreak drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands.  By doing this you confuse the liberal. Also the oxygen will be thicker closer to the ground decreasing your chance of suffocating from progressive rhetoric.

• Step Three:  Roll! 

The victim of a liberal outbreak must roll on the ground in an attempt to brush off the socialist rhetoric.  This will also have the added benefit of extinguishing the liberal by depriving him of oxygen.  If you are on a rug or one is nearby try rolling the rug around yourself to further extinguish the liberal flames.

Just follow these steps and you increase your chances of survival in the liberal apocalypse.  Also, these techniques may be enhanced by telling a liberal that “Jesus loves them.“  Jesus is liberal kryptonite.

And there you have it readers.  It has been my pleasure to impart this timely and practical advice.  Come on.  Are you going to eat that? The bread is still good.  I just have to wipe off that blue stuff.

In his annual State of the Union address, President Obama took the opportunity to once again tout the Buffett rule, named after singer Jimmy Buffett, which would require that secretaries have as much access to margaritas as their millionaire bosses.

Warming to his subject President Obama challenged congressional Republicans.

“Why should a millionaire like Jimmy Buffett have more margaritas than his secretary?” Obama asked rhetorically as Democrats applauded.  “Doesn’t his secretary deserve to have as many margaritas as her boss?  Is it fair that she can’t?  Is this the America we want to live in?”

President Obama then blamed congressional Republicans for the deadlock in Margaritaville.

I’ve been  strumming my six string on the front porch swing of the White House smelling the shrimp from the White House kitchen they’re beginning to boil.  But what’s missing here?  A lost shaker of salt!  Republicans are trying to deny Americans their shaker of salt.  They believe only the rich should have salt shakers. Is this the America we want to live in?

This line brought the most prolonged applause of the speech. Democrats rose to their feet holding salt shakers above their heads.

When the applause died down President Obama continued.

I don’t know the reason I stayed in Washington all season.  I blame the do-nothing congress.  I have nothing to show but this brand new tattoo.  It’s a real beauty.  A Mexican cutie.

The President then dropped his pants to reveal his brand new tattoo.  Sitting behind him, Vice President Biden clapped his hands and shouted “I have a tattoo too!  Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”

Like I said, why should hard working men and women of the middle class of America be forced to search for lost shakers of salt?  Some claim there’s a woman to blame for this.  Hell I don’t know.  But I’d just like to say that back in the White House there’s booze in the blender and soon it will render that frozen concoction that helps me hang on.  All Americans should have access to a blender that will render a frozen concoction that helps them hang on.  Especially in this tough economy.

President Obama then closed his speech by announcing his signature legislation, the so-called “Shaker of Salt” bill.

This bill will give all Americans access to margaritas.  This bill will give all Americans a shaker of salt.  This bill will restore fairness to our country! My fellow Americans god bless you. Good night.

From Iran, President Ahmadinejad blamed the margarita discrepancy on Israel.

“Have you ever looked at Israel on a map? It looks like a shaker of salt.  The Zionists are responsible!”

We here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are always on the lookout for a charitable and worthy cause to pass along to our readers.  And we are  proud to announce we have found one.  The nonprofit foundation “Help Chaz Bono Get a Penis” needs contributions.  And I’m sure my readers will respond.

For those of you not familiar with Chaz’s inspiring story he was born Chastity Bono, the only daughter of Sonny and Cher.  Growing up conflicted and confused Chastity was never comfortable as a woman. (As opposed to Manhattan Infidel who frequently cross dresses.)

Having had gender reassignment surgery Chastity became Chaz Bono and had his breasts surgically removed after his 40th birthday.  He is now currently receiving testosterone injections to complete the process.  But one thing is lacking.  Chaz Bono needs a penis.  Chaz is currently “busily saving money” for the great day when a penis will be given to him.

And that’s where the Help Chaz Bono Get a Penis Foundation comes in: Chaz, being a proud man, prefers not to ask his mother to help him get a penis.

Now I know times are tough.  Many of my readers no doubt have been suffering financially.  But all it takes is a dollar per person.  Let’s call it the March of Dollars!  For Chaz Bono, a penis is so close, yet so far.

Now for those considering a donation, let’s review Chaz’s penis options.

• A basic, standard size no-frills penis (known as the starter penis) will go for $25,000.  This penis is workable, small enough to fit into most alleyways and is a very popular option.  Consider it like a training bra. And like a training bra it will help improve your self-esteem.
• For $45,000 one can buy the so-called “Rock Star Penis.”  This penis, certified rock-star worthy by none other than Steven Tyler will enable the recipient to pick up total strangers in bars by merely flashing his “instrument.” This penis is very popular though possible side effects include years of drug abuse, rapid aging and an uncontrollable desire to marry a supermodel.
• And for $100,000 you can buy the “Captain Kirk Penis.”  This penis is considered something of a “boutique” item as it is expensive and only has one known benefit:  The ability to attract green women from throughout the galaxy.

And there you have it readers.  I know you will respond generously because a penis is a terrible thing to waste.

Or as Chaz himself has said, “If I had it to do over again, I would have saved up and bought a penis before I had my breasts chopped off.  Because now I’m still fat and ugly.  But I got nothin’  Nothin’!!”

The political season is in full swing.  Primaries have come and gone.  Candidates have bowed out.  And soon it will be time to choose a candidate to run against President Obama in 2012.   And with this choice comes many questions.  Should the Republicans choose the most “electable” candidate (as electability is defined by the press and the Republican leadership)?  Should a candidate be chosen that represents tea party principles and one vowed to dramatically cut spending?  Should Manhattan Infidel stop hanging around playgrounds offering candy to high school girls?  But what if they are hot?  And so with these questions in mind over the weekend I conducted a totally scientific phone survey.

Note:  This phone survey has a margin of error of +/- 100 percent.

Being a hard-working productive type drunk stumbling home after the bars closed I started my survey at 5 AM Saturday morning.

• Should Republicans settle for Mitt Romney?  After all the  point is to get a candidate elected.

55% answered “Yes.  Let’s be realistic.“  35% said they preferred another candidate.  Seven percent answered “Who the hell is this? Do you know what time it is?”  Two percent answered “Yes I am naked why do you ask?” and one percent responded, “Help me please.  There’s a man in my house and he’s got a gun!”  

To that one percent I say “Hey lady I have my own problems.”

• Should the prospective Republican nominee pledge to uphold the ninth and tenth amendments and curb the power of the Federal government?

An astonishing 85% answered in the affirmative.  “We are in a crisis” “The Feds are out of control” and “The government has too much power” were some of the typical comments.

Ten percent answered no.  “Now is not the time” and “Lets just worry about getting Romney elected” they told me.

Four percent answered “Look, I already told you I’m naked what the hell do you want”  and one percent answered “Please. He has a gun. I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom but I don’t know how long I can hold him off.”

To the one percent I answer, “Invest in Gold!  And a home security system.”

• Should there be a constitutional amendment seeking to pay off the debt and/or the deficit?

On this question there was much unanimity.  93% answered yes.  Three percent said no.  Three percent said, “No you can’t come over and watch me sleep naked!” and one percent said “Oh god he’s breaking down the door. Help me!’

To the one percent I say, “It’s all about you isn’t it?”

• Are you into it?  I can provide my own nipple clamps if you’re worried about cost. 

On this question the response was varied.  53% “Hot diggity dog!”  (I’m paraphrasing of course.  The actual words might have been more like “pervert!“)  35% replied, “Nasty boy when can you come over?” (Though again the actual words may have been more like “Stop sending me photos of your junk.”)  Six percent replied “What the hell does this have to do with the election?”  Five percent told me that if I did not stop asking them if they slept naked they would get a lawyer and one percent responded, “Don’t shoot me!  For the love of god don’t shoot!”

To the one percent I politely ask what the hell does this have to do with my nipple clamps?

• Seriously.  Nipple clamps baby.  Nipple clamps! 

An astonishingly high 75% hung up on me.  20% replied “For the last time stop asking me if I sleep naked.  The hell with a lawyer I’m coming after you.”  Four percent replied ”Do you hang out at Fitzgerald’s Pub often?“  36% replied “I am not good at math” and one percent said, “I’m shot!”

To the one percent I say, “You are dead to me!”

And there you have it readers.  Once again I thank all those who participated in the survey, especially those who were sleeping naked.

Here at Manhattan Infidel I am continually humbled by the Hollywood superstars who want to drop by for an interview.  And today is no exception.  I am pleased to have with me Mark Wahlberg, star of the new movie……well I’ve forgotten the title.  No big deal.  I heard it sucks anyway.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Wahlberg.

MW:  Do I frighten you?  You look frightened.

MI:  No…no actually I’m not frightened.

MW:  You should be.  I’m Mark Wahlberg.  I’m a bad ass.  I crush aluminum cans with my butt cheeks.

MI:  I see.

MW:  I arm wrestle kindergartners.  And win.

MI:  Okay.

MW:  And then I crush them with my butt cheeks.   

MI: You mentioned you were a bad ass.  Let’s talk about that.  You’re an action movie star.  You recently mentioned in an interview that if you were aboard the flight hijacked by Mohammed Atta on 9/11 things would have been different.  That you would have battled the terrorists.  That, and I’m quoting, “There would have been lots of blood in the first class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.  Don’t worry.’ ”

MW:  Yes.  That’s true.  I would have crushed Mohammed Atta’s face with my butt cheeks.  They can crush anything.  Did you know that my butt cheeks have won first prize in the butt cheek crushing competition five years in a row?

MI:  I - I did not know that.

MW:  Let me demonstrate.  Give me your cat. 

Cat: Meow.

MW:  [Placing cat between his buttocks.]  AAAAAAAAAAA!  Butt clench! [spurt of blood]

MI:  Oh now that’s disgusting.

MW:  Don’t worry.  Your cat felt no pain.  Only the awesome pleasure of being inside my butt cheeks.

MI:  I have to clean that up.  I’m going to ask you to leave now.

MW:  Would you like to get inside my butt cheeks?

MI:  No.  Please leave.

MW: You have a plant over there!  Hey plant.  My name is Mark Wahlberg.  I’m just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes.  We’re just here to use the bathroom and we’re going to leave.  I hope that’s okay.

MI:  Please leave.  Please leave now.

MW:  I think your plant sees me as a threat.  Maybe I should crush it with my butt cheeks?

MI:  Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with Mark Wahlberg who can currently be seen in the new movie that I’ve forgotten the name of but I hear it sucks.

Upon waking up this morning wearing woman’s clothing and heavily bruised refreshed and ready to great the day I decided to pick up the morning papers spend 15 minutes vomiting and checking my backside for new tattoos to see what I would write about.

After spending an hour watching The View studiously reading the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and taking notes on all the articles I can’t read  I still had no subject for today’s post.

In short, I was facing a quandary.  Much like Robert E. Lee when he had to decide between taking command of the Union Army or resigning his commission and fighting for the Confederacy or Barney Frank when he has to decide which Twilight movie to watch I was at a crossroads.

My public I am delusional expects me to write about current events.  And as a card-carrying member of the Main Stream Media I have a responsibility to present the facts vote Democratic.

And so readers like a member of the Main Stream Media I now give you the facts make the whole damn thing up.

Presenting breaking news and subjects for today’s post:

NANCY PELOSI CRUSHES BALL SACKS!!

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has come under fire after it was discovered that she likes to crush ball sacks while singing Gilbert and Sullivan show tunes.

Said Pelosi, “It’s true.  I’ve been doing this for years.  It helps me relax.  I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues in congress and my constituents.   Hey you….yeah you.  Get your ball sack over here!”

MICHELLE OBAMA ADMITS SHE’S A ROMULAN!!

First Lady Michelle Obama admitted today, when questioned about her past, that she is actually a Romulan.

“I am from the Romulan Empire.  And the Romulan Empire is a compassionate empire where capitalism is outlawed and socialism is the chief economic system.  We Romulans care for everybody who happens to be in our Empire.  Except for the Klingons.  They can go to hell.”

JOE BIDEN ADMITS HE SOMETIMES GET CONFUSED!!

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking to a phone booth in Jackson Hole, Wyoming admitted that he sometimes gets very confused.

“I sometimes lose touch with reality” admitted the VP.   He then waited patiently inside the phone booth for Dr. Who to show up.  At press time he was still in the booth.

And that readers is the latest news that’s fit to print make up.

The world rejoiced when new parents Beyoncé  and Jay-Z welcomed their new daughter Blue Ivy Carter.  But explosive new allegations of preferential treatment for this important couple threatens to shake America to its foundations.

It is alleged that Beyoncé and Jay-Z placed private security in the maternity ward and that this security in effect “locked down” the natal intensive care unit preventing parents who aren’t as important as Beyoncé and Jay-Z from seeing their new children.  Said one person who was affected:

They just used the hospital like it was their own and nobody else mattered.  They locked us into the NICU and would say, “You can’t come out into the hallway for the next 20 minutes.  These are parents going through very stressful times.  To have the circus roll into town, having to deal with all this drama because someone is a superstar isn’t fair.

Defending the actions of his wife and himself, Jay-Z issued this statement:

First off, I’d like to thank all our fans for the good wishes they have given us on the birth of our lovely daughter.  It is comforting to have so many little people praying for us.

Now as for the allegations.  Yes, we did hire extra security during our stay in the hospital.  This is only normal.  When you are important like we are people try to take advantage of you. So yes, we “locked down” the NICU.  How are we to know that some father who is visiting the ward and crying because his child was born premature isn’t using that as an excuse to take a picture of us and sell it to the tabloids?  Little people sometimes do this.  And yes, one of my security guards did rough up a new father but that is only because this man turned his back on my guard.  And when you turn your back on my employee you turn your back on me, Jay-Z.  And when you turn your back on Jay-Z you commit lese-majesté, which obviously cannot be tolerated in our Republic.  I mean, the guy who was beat up - has he ever met President Obama?  Has he sat in the oval office? No?  I thought not.  That is all my subjects.

A spokesman for Lenox Hill Hospital where the power couple stayed said that it “is not unusual” to use extra security when dealing with celebrities.

“I mean, come on, if poor people want preferential treatment let them play basketball or rap.”

As for the unlucky man who was beaten by  Jay-Z’s security he is a different, humbled man who has learned his lesson.

“I have to be more respectful to my superiors.  Sure my child died when the NICU was locked down and I didn’t get a chance to see her but it’s not like she was Beyoncé’s kid so it doesn’t really matter.”

Faced with the reality of a changing economic situation, Satan has announced that all souls tortured for eternity will now have to purchase a Personal Seat License (PSL).

Speaking from his vacation home in Long Island, Satan said, “Yeah, I didn’t want to have to do this. But economic reality is economic reality.   And if the Jets and the Carolina Panthers can do it why not Hell?”

Shortly after the new year condemned souls were sent the following form letter:

Dear condemned souls:

Thank you for your loyalty to Hell.  For the third decade in a row Hell has beaten out Detroit as the destination of choice for the condemned.  I and my fellow demons thank you.

However we cannot continue to give you the top notch services Hell provides without making upgrades.  As many of you know, our boiler needs to be replaced.  Several times last year the boiler stopped working and the temperature in Hell plummeted from 1000 to a comfortable 72.5 degrees Fahrenheit.  Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered the souls in my charge were no longer roasting in flames!

Also, I am planning an upgrade of Hell.  As you know we are running out of space and our temporary expedient of housing the overflow condemned in Philadelphia cannot continue for much longer.  

So raising cash is a priority and PSLs are the best way of doing it. 

What’s in it for me you may ask?  Well, by buying a PSL you will be guaranteed the same seat in Hell.  In addition you can transfer your PSL to a soul you’d like to see condemned.  (Perhaps your accountant or the man your wife left you for?)

Please reply to this letter ASAP. Do not lose your seat in Hell!

Satan

Satan’s plan to offer PSLs has proved controversial.  From his location in the seventh circle of Hell, Adolph Hitler expressed his concerns:

I like it where I am. I don’t want to move.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m closer to the action and the demon who’s in charge of disemboweling me for all eternity is a real nice guy.  We have a good relationship.  I’d prefer not to buy a PSL but I guess it’s just the price I’m going to have to pay to maintain my position.

Another condemned soul who prefers to remain anonymous told reporters that “contrary to popular belief not everyone who goes to Hell is rich. I can’t afford a PSL and I don’t want to go to Detroit.  It’s always the little guy who gets screwed.”

Indeed many of the condemned have started talking about a class action lawsuit against Satan.  The good news?  Plenty of lawyers in Hell.

“Sucks about that” said Satan.  “I may have to raise my standards to exclude the lawyers.”

Condemned souls have until February 12th to buy a PSL or lose their seat.

A marijuana cigarette (aliases include “Mary Jane” “pot” and “reefer“) was arrested at a border checkpoint in West Texas today for possession of the rapper Snoop Dogg.

According to the local sheriff’s office it was after a border agent pulled the marijuana cigarette’s tour bus over that a sniffer dog detected the presence of Snoop Dog (real name Calvin Broadus) in the back of the bus.

Since this was not the first time that marijuana was caught in possession of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was immediately placed under arrest.

Through his lawyer the marijuana cigarette said that he has a prescription for medicinal Snoop Dogg in his home state of California because he suffers from migraines, blurred vision and the munchies.

“Be that as it may” said the sheriff “in Texas we have a zero tolerance policy towards Snoop Dogg.”

The arrest of the cigarette shocked and angered many of his friends.  Though it is well-known that in the past marijuana often bragged of his use of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was left alone as part of an unspoken détente between law enforcement and marijuana.  Many appear worried that this détente is now at an end.

With the arrest the debate over the possible decriminalization of Snoop Dogg will most likely come to the forefront again.

Speaking from his home Willie Nelson told reporters that “I’ve been using Snoop Dogg for years without any side effects.  And Snoop Dogg does not lead to anything stronger.  Well, maybe Mos Def but that’s about it.”

The spokesman for the Normalization of Snoop Dogg (NormSD) released a statement that said:

People are going to use Snoop Dogg.  You know that.  I know that.  So why not just let them?  Yes, in a perfect world Snoop Dogg use would be rare if not used at all but this isn’t a perfect world.  There are worse things people can use like alcohol or Vanilla Ice.  Some people just need Snoop to relax.  So I say be loud, be proud and use Snoop Dogg!

So far none of the candidates for President has spoken out publicly on the Snoop Dogg controversy but is it rumored that if Ron Paul is elected he will legalize him.

As for Mr. Dogg himself, he is quoted as saying, “I’m not that bad. It’s just that people have a need for me.”

The marijuana cigarette was released on bail and will have to appear in court in March.