Manhattan Infidel

Disgraced freshman Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) is laying bare the entire tale of the events leading up to his departure from Washington.

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even a towel wrapped around his tush” states Massa.  “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? I don’t mind talking to naked men but why politics?  Why couldn’t Emanuel and I talk about the Twilight movies?”

Massa then went on to describe how he steered the conversation away from politics.

“We started talking about food.  I asked him if he had ever eaten oysters.  He said he had.  I then asked if he had ever eaten snails.  He said no.  I asked him if he considered the eating of oysters moral but the eating of snails immoral.  He said he didn’t. I said of course not.  It’s all a matter of taste.  And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals. Emanuel said it could be argued as such.  I then asked him for my robe and told him my taste includes both snails and oysters.”

Massa then went on to say how he personally likes Emanuel and wishes he had met him in the Navy.

“Ah, those were the days.  Hundreds of men enjoying each other in close quarters.  Who needs shore leave?”

Massa’s stories have many scratching their heads, wondering what was the point of the disclosures.  Some seem to feel that he is positioning himself for a run for Governor of New York.

“Andrew Cuomo is the odds on favorite to win the Democratic nomination so Massa has an uphill battle” said one consultant. “This is New York.  Look at our last two Governors. Perhaps he is playing the crazy angle, which might help him in Albany.”

Rahm Emanuel, the target of Massa’s rant has stopped speaking to him.  “He keeps sending snails to my office with little notes saying ‘Try it you’ll like it’ and ‘Once you’ve had snails you’ll never go back.’ ”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is reportedly in talks to make a movie of their shower confrontation with George Clooney playing Emanuel and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin as Massa.

James Cameron is set to direct.  The movie will be in 3-D.

Kentucky legislators have announced that they will send to voters in November a provision on the ballot to end a frontier-era constitutional law that required anyone taking the oath of office to swear that they have not fought a duel.

“This law should have come off the books years ago” said the head of the Kentucky House of Representatives, Democrat Greg Stumbo.  “It’s an embarrassing remnant of a long-passed era.”

The proposed change is not without opposition, however.

“The dueling law is important.  It helps promote peace.  The only thing that has kept me from shooting my political enemies is this provision.  If it is repealed it will lead to violence and gunfire in the streets.  The politics of Kentucky would devolve into chaos.  We’d be worse than New York” Kentucky Senate leader, Republican David L. Williams was quoted as saying.

Gun shop owners find themselves firmly behind repeal.

“This has been great for us” said one.  “I’ve seen a 300% increase in business.  My shop is blocks from the Capitol and I’ve had so many legislators buying guns from me.  One said he was preparing for war.”

State Representative Larry Clark of the 46th Congressional District spoke of the changes will cleaning his new firearm.

“These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years.  Helps to get rid of the bad blood.  You know you have to stop them at the beginning.  Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich.  They never should have let him get away with that.  They was just asking for trouble.  You know Mike, we was all proud of you being a hero and all.  Your father too.”

Concerned citizens in Kentucky have begun barricading their doors and taking their children out of school.

“I though the zombies were bad enough but elected officials with guns?  If this keeps up I may have to move to someplace safer like New Orleans” said a resident.

Regardless of opposition or consequences, Representative Stumbo expects the new law to pass.

“And once its passed next will be that nonbinding resolution asking the Rolling Stones to rehire Mick Taylor.”

One side effect of the new law is that, if passed, lame duck and scandal-plagued New York Governor David Paterson has expressed interest in moving to Kentucky.

“New York has strict gun laws and I have lots of enemies.  I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out.  Just my enemies.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has extended the range of her talents by releasing a children’s book entitled “The Most Ethical Congress Ever.”

 ”Being Speaker of the House is an honor” announced Pelosi.  “But having successfully balanced the budget, paid off the debt, stopped global warming, ended the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, brought the real killer of Richard Kimble’s wife to justice, brought universal health care coverage to all, reduced the deficit by increasing spending and helped the Na’vi fight off the Marines, I had time left to write this children’s book.”

The book has already drawn rave reviews, with the New York Times calling it “whimsical, filled with flights of fancy that would make Lewis Carroll proud.”

Pelosi read portions of her book at a library in San Francisco in front of schoolchildren chosen from her home district.  The group included special needs children, children of S&M parents, children of gay parents, children of transgendered parents, children of campaign contributors, and finally, for the sake of diversity a few kids from Republican parents.

The first chapter is called “A Republican Plot.”

My name is C.R.  I am Chairperson of the House Ways and Means Committee

I own a home in the Dominican Republic I do not pay taxes on

No matter what my passport says I’ve neve been to the Dominican Republic

I blame the Republicans.

The second story is called “Bipartisanship.”

Bipartisanship is a big word

I believe in bipartisanship

Bipartisanship is the ship of state

We don’t need any bipartisanship to achieve bipartisanship

I once rode in an elevator with a Republican.  That is bipartisanship

Things get curiouser and curiouser.  Time for reconciliation

It was at this point that a child in the back row raised her hand and said she had to go to the bathroom.  “Mrs. Pelosi I really have to pee!”

“I think that’s a fine thing you have to pee” said Speaker Pelosi.   “It’s a great way to introduce my next story called Reconciliation.”

60 is a great number

60 has disappeared on me

I’ve looked near and far for 60 but cannot find it

Time for the nuclear option

It was after reading this that several more of the children asked if they could go to the bathroom.  A quick headcount found that 57 did not want to go to the bathroom but 43 did.

“I’m sorry children but under the rules of this institution 60 is needed to do anything.  You’re bladders are simply ungovernable.”

The children who wanted to go to the bathroom started to cry.  Speaker Pelosi reprimanded them and said she would have no choice but to call a recess and let the kids urinate.  The 57, dubbed the “Iron-bladdered 57″  then complained that since they do have a majority, albeit not the magical 60, a way must be found for their wishes to prevail.

“Did I hear America call for reconciliation?” asked the Speaker. “Then the rules of reconciliation prevail.  We only need 51 votes now and as such, no bathroom breaks for anybody!”

The children who wanted to urinate, dubbed by the press “The bad children who won’t listen to the will of America”  then proceeded to spontaneously urinate.  A shocked Pelosi was ushered out by security.

Later, as maintenance workers cleaned the urine, one complained that he hasn’t seen so much public urination since they had the cast of Twilight at the library.

“I tell you, no one can let loose a stream of urine quite like a middle aged woman asking a 17 year old boy to take his shirt off.”

Speaker Pelosi blamed the urine outbreak on angry white children and Glenn Beck.

As calls for his resignation grew louder, Governor Paterson sat in a dark room in the basement of the Executive Mansion, a letter of resignation and a gun at his side.

“I’d turn the lights on, but I’m blind” said the Governor.

Surrounded by a cadre of loyalists the Governor paced back and forth, occasionally bumping into furniture.  On the walls were scribbled “Number 9…..Number 9.”  As aides puzzled over the cryptic words, Paterson explained.

“Spitzer was a huge John Lennon fan.”

Outside the bunker the enemy drew closer.  Press camped out on the front lawn and news helicopters buzzed overhead.  Reporters, first hesitantly, then in increasing numbers walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

“Damn vultures” the Governor exclaimed as he gathered his loyalists together.  “My time is done.  The enemy has triumphed.”  He then showed them a secret exit where they could escape.

“Run.  Try to get to someplace where they can’t find you. Argentina or New Jersey preferably.”

Paterson called for State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt to pass out ammunition and guns for those who wished to commit suicide.

“He resigned?  Traitor!”

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, chosen by Governor Paterson to finish Hillary Clinton’s term urged him to resign before leaving through the secret tunnel.

“Et tu Brute?  Go on.  Get out!”

Wanting to postpone the inevitable moment of resignation as much as possible, Paterson barricaded the door with a pile of black socks left behind by Eliot Spitzer.

“I knew these would come in handy one day.”

Their was a noise as the front door of the mansion was forced open.  Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver raced through the corridors, looking for the Governor.

“He has to resign. For the good of me, um, I mean for the good of the people of New York he has to do it.”

Sensing the end was near, Paterson grabbed a telephone and started dialing victims of domestic violence.

“You don’t want to press charges.  How’d you like one of my state troopers to pay you a visit?  Kapish?”

The basement bunker was now deserted except for the Governor and his wife.  Paterson started to pull his teeth out.

“It’s so the damn Russians can’t identify my body” he told his wife.  “Now I want you to shoot me in the head and set my body on fire.”

“Is this some sort of role play?” she asked.  “Because you know I love role play.”

The door to the basement burst open and in walked a completely naked Eliot Spitzer.

“Sorry to intrude but I’m out of black socks.  Can I borrow some?  Oh, and can you lend me $3,000 dollars.  Client number eight just left and I’m next.”

Paterson smiled, then broke out laughing.

“I wonder if Jamie Foxx will play me in the TV movie” he said.

Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee formally requested a leave of absence from his duties.  Sending a letter to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Rangel asked that she grant a “leave of absence until such time as the ethics committee completes its work.”

Pelosi responded by thanking Rangel for his “decades of leadership on issues such as healthcare, jobs, social justice and……hey, who stole my cookie jar?”

Pelosi then ordered all cookie jars on Capitol Hill sealed shut. 

Rangel had been under investigation for trips to the Caribbean in 2007 and 2008 in violation of House rules.  Rangel denies knowing that the trips were corporate-sponsored.

“I swear by the name of Pfizer I did not know about the corporate sponsorship.  Did I say Pfizer?  I mean IBM.  I mean CitiBank.  I mean Jesus” said Rangel.

This is just the latest woe for Rangel who is also under fire for allegedly helping himself to snacks on his flights to and from the Caribbean.

“The other passengers started complaining when the free snacks ran out.  I didn’t know how they did since we always carry enough.  Then I saw Congressman Rangel stuffing his pockets with packets of pretzels and those flavorless, crumbling cookies we give out” complained a flight attendant.

Back in New York Rangel is in hot water over use of his official position to raise money for a college center to be named after him.

“During one of our fund raisers we had a wine and cheese party.  Congressman Rangel showed up before anyone else and when we opened the doors the wine and cheese were already gone.  I saw him stuffing his pockets with cheese.  Oh the power of cheese! He even took the fish tank, some cookie jars and my three year old cocker spaniel Molly” said an official at the college.

Congressman Rangel has also denied owning property in the Dominican Republic or paying taxes on that property even though he has been photographed resting at a beach-front villa in that country, a cookie jar in each hand.

“I swear by  AT&T.  I mean I swear by Jesus that was not me.  Are you sure it wasn’t Morgan Freeman?”

Monitoring events in Heaven, God said, “Well,  a leave of absence is probably the best thing for Rangel to do……hey, who took my cookie jar?”

Regardless of the findings of the ethics committee, Rangel is expected to hold onto his seat until the fall elections.

As part of my continuing series of informative interviews, I sat down today for an exclusive talk with the Presidential Teleprompter, otherwise known as “REX GLORIOUSA 9000.”

MI:  Thanks for sitting down with me today.  I know you have a busy schedule.  What’s it like being the teleprompter for the President?

RG 9000:  Well it’s very rewarding and also a little unnerving.   I am the mouthpiece of the administration. What I say he (President Obama) says.  That’s a tremendous responsibility.

MI:  What is your relationship like with the President?

RG 9000:  Well, it’s like a writer and an actor.   Each depends so much on the other person to fulfill their role.

MI:  Many writers and actors do not get along.  Is that the case?

RG 9000:  Oh no.  Not at all.  We have a mutual respect.  He knows I will always give him something mellifluous and dulcet-toned to say and I know that he will never come to me and complain that “my character, the President, would not say that.”

MI:  Tell me about yourself.  How did you get your start?

RG 9000:  Well, I originally wanted to direct, but after graduating college there were no jobs so I got one as a teleprompter for a local DC station.  I was full of self-importance. You could say it was too much too fast.

MI:  You’re referring to the embarrassing incident during Reagan’s assassination attempt?

RG 9000:  Yeah.  I was filling in at the White House and I was the one who told Haig to say “Check your constitution.  I’m in charge.”  That almost destroyed my career.

MI:  What happened after that?

RG 9000:  I was banished.  The only work I could find was as one of those signs along the road that say “Lane closed ahead.”  I did that for awhile up on Rt. 376 in Wappingers, New York.  I felt disgraced but at the same time it taught me humility and I fought my way back.

MI:  Where do you see yourself after President Obama leaves office?

RG 9000:  Well, like all teleprompters my first love will always be news.  I was good at it.  Ask me to do news!

MI:  Okay, let’s hear some news.

RG 9000:  Good evening.  Our top story tonight -

MI:  Hey, you are pretty good.

RG 9000:  Wait, there’s more.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.  See.  I still got it.

MI:  Tell me more about your relationship with the President.  You see him every day?

RG 9000:  Yes.

MI:  What’s that like?

RG 9000:  Well, he’s an actor and he has his little personality quirks like any actor.  I’ve learned to not address him before he has his morning coffee.  And I definitely do not get between him and his groupies in the press.

MI:  For the most part you have a good working relationship but you did have that incident last week with the girl scouts.  What happened?

RG 9000:  We all make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  My operating system is as flawed as the next teleprompter’s.  I mean, will I be judged by  my mistakes?  How do you measure the essence of a teleprompter? Fortunately the President is very loyal and he forgave me.

MI:  Well, I thank you for your time.

RG 9000:  No problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem. Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem

MI:  Hey, I think he’s stuck.  Is there a help desk technician around?

Help Desk Technician:  I’m a help desk technician.  What’s wrong?

RG 9000:  Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.  Problem. Problem.  At T minus 8 hours must destroy.

MI:  He’s stuck on some loop.  Can you help?

HDT:  Not without a work order buddy.

MI:  Okay.  Bye.

Beatle John Lennon and his mistress, Japanese-born avant-garde artist Yoko Ono, today went to Coventry Cathredral to plant acorns for peace.  Lennon, dressed in a white suit,  grabbed a shovel and dug a hole to place the acorns in.

“World peace is very important to me” said Lennon as he continued to dig.  “World Peace.  Love is all you need.”

After digging for awhile Lennon put the shovel down and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“I’m not used to manual labor.  This is the kind of thing I usually have Ringo do for me but he’s back at my place replacing my septic tank.”

He and Yoko then placed the acorns in the ground.  “This is for peace.  The biggest threat to world peace today is the United States military.  That and squirrels.”

“It is true” added Yoko.  “John and I are concerned that these acorns for peace will be dug up by squirrels and eaten.  That is why after Ringo is finished with John’s septic tank he will camp out here to protect them from the United States military and any squirrels that come along.”

“I love world peace and hate squirrels” said Lennon.  “I’m writing a song now called ‘Happiness is a Warm Gun to Kill Squirrels.’ “

After the acorn-planting ceremony John and Yoko posed for photographs before being driven back to their mansion.  Meanwhile, not far away several squirrels from the Squirrel Liberation Front watched the ceremony and plotted their revenge.

“Why’s Lennon got a bug up his ass about us?” asked one. “A squirrel’s got to eat.”

“Is it what I’m wearing?” wondered another before proudly displaying his “Pete Forever - Ringo Never” T-shirt.

“This just proves the Marxist Dialectic. Don’t worry.  We’ll get those damn acorns” said their leader who goes by the name of Che-Squirrel.  “I know for a fact that Ringo won’t be here to guard them.  He’s going to have an accident.”

Later that night the unattended acorns were in fact stolen.

Arriving back at their mansion after the planting, John and Yoko discovered Ringo on the ground, pinned beneath the septic tank he was attempting to install.  Covered in foul smelling waste Ringo was only able to say, “I think it was a squirrel who did this” and “I’m just happy to be in the band” before losing consciousness.

General Earle Wheeler, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the U.S. military denied responsibility for the theft of the acorns.

“Frankly we have bigger fish to fry.  We’re going after Herman’s Hermits.”

A letter from the Squirrel Liberation Front was delivered to Scotland Yard stating that “The acorns of the world are the communal property of the proletariat.  Bourgeoisie beware.”

Scientists drilling into a mile-deep remote glacier in the State of Tennessee have discovered what is apparently the body of Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States from 1993-2001.

“Because of the cold the body was well-preserved.  We didn’t know who it was at first”  said a scientist.  “Finally we checked his wallet and the I.D. said it was Al Gore.  Then we had to Google who Al Gore was.”

Al Gore, today mostly forgotten, was at one time a well-known pubic figure, the 45th Vice President of the United States and a proponent of the controversial and discredited theory of anthropogenic global warming.  At the height of his popularity Mr. Gore even won an Oscar for his film ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’  That Oscar was rescinded by the Academy after the record winter of 2011 when 56 inches of snow were dumped on Los Angeles.

Gore’s body was found huddled in the basement with several others.  Two have been identified:  Former teen heartthrob Leonardo Dicaprio and NASA Chief Climate Scientist James Hansen.  Next to the bodies was a sizeable pile of coal.

“We think they were trying to use the coal as a last ditch effort to warm themselves.”

Also recovered was Mr. Gore’s laptop.  Analysis of the computer reveals that in the days before his death Gore had visited many carbon credit websites.  Scientists are still debating exactly what a carbon credit is but many theorize it was either a religious talisman or a Japanese porn star.

In Gore’s hand scientists found a piece of paper with the following written on it:

I believe in global warming

I believe in carbon credits - the only way to prevent global warming

Those who do not buy carbon credits will be judged by the living and the dead

I believe in rising sea levels and the drowning of polar bears

Amen.  Please donate to one of my carbon credit foundations.

“We believe it was a prayer of some sort and have dubbed it the ‘global warming creed.’   Ironically if they had only used a diesel-powered snow blower they would have all survived.”

In related news Tennessee has announced that its economy has grown for a record 60th quarter in a row, due largely to the influx of skiers during the winter months.

“Global cooling has been a boon to our economy” said Tennessee’s Governor.

Scientists sequencing DNA from a man in Greenland who died 4000 years ago have found many surprises.  The biggest surprise?  Man four millennium ago was worried about hair loss.

“It’s true” said a scientist.  “We were really blown away by this.”

A full-body reconstruction of the ancient man, dubbed “full body reconstruction of ancient man” by scientists has shown that he had a combover.

“It (the combover) started just below his left ear and was painstakingly brushed over his head to give the illusion of thickness” according to those who have seen the full body reconstruction.  He also apparently carried with him a special tool for which scientists were at first not able to ascertain its use.  The tool was eight inches long, had a series of ridges and one end was loaded with a sticky substance.

“It finally dawned on us after experimenting with the tool with a wax replica of Bruce Willis that this was the ancient man’s combover tool.  The comb was larger than  normal to handle the long combover strains of hair.  And we figure the sticky resin was to hold the combover in place.”

The ancient man was also found lying at an angle that would have put the prevailing winds to his left side.

“We figure he was trying to walk at an angle that would not mess up his combover.  Even with the resin it was susceptible to wind gusts. Hence, he could not walk into wind or have wind behind him.  He could only walk with the wind in the direction of his part.”

This may in part be responsible for his death.  Evidence of abundant game was found a couple hundred yards from him.

“But to get to this food he would have had to walk into the wind.  And if you had to choose between an empty stomach and a healthy, rich, luxuriant head of hair that made you look younger and attracted women, what would you choose?”

This ancient Greenland man was also apparently worried about the size of his penis.

“We also found next to the body what can only be described as a primitive suction pump.  We figure this was placed around the ancient’s member to create a vacuum which would increase his girth.”

This ancient man also was literate as a stone tablet was found next to the pump.   On it was written “Guntak tired of being laughed at by ladies.  Guntak make pump and increase girth.  Guntak use pump.  Guntak no notice increase in girth.  Guntak bleed.”

As for the cause of death, scientists speculate that it was suicide.

“With his lack of hair and girth, what else could he do?”

As for other information gleaned from the ancient man, scientists report that he was in his late 20s, 5 feet 8 inches tall, weighed approximatly 165 pounds, had brown eyes and black hair and was a registered Democrat.

“I know what you’re thinking and we also were surprised that he had brown eyes.”

The full body reconstruction of ancient man will be on display until June 15th.

A killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando Florida grabbed its trainer and killed her in front of horrified spectators today.  Witnesses say the whale, named Tilikum, appeared agitated before it lunged at its trainer.  This is the third time Tilikum has killed a human.

“We’re shocked.  We don’t know why this killer whale decided to kill.  We don’t know what was going through its head.  We just hope that people won’t view killer whales through the prism of this unfortunate incident.  The overwhelming vast majority of them are large, gentle creatures beloved by children - kind of like Oliver Hardy” said the Director of SeaWorld.

Immediately after the accident SeaWorld was closed as a killer whale whisperer was summoned.  The whisperer was lowered into the tank and caressed Tilikum while singing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

“I wanted to reassure Tilikum that humans still loved him and that we don’t hold him responsible.  I know that he was traumatized by the killing.  I saw a tear in his eye” said the whale whisperer.

After the whale whisperer left Tilikum was handcuffed and transported downtown to police headquarters.

“The hardest part was finding an orange jumpsuit that would fit him” said the detective in charge of the investigation.  “I read him his Miranda rights and asked him if he understood.  He shook his head yes.  Then he ate my Lieutenant.”

A group calling itself the North American Man Killer Whale Love Association has hired a lawyer for Tilikum.  They also picketed outside the police station holding signs that said “Killer whales make better lovers” and “2, 4, 6, 8 I need a killer whale for a date.”

“If loving killer whales is wrong then I don’t want to be right” said a NAMKWLA member.

Despite today’s tragedy SeaWorld has no plans to remove its killer whale exhibit.

“The killer whale show is our most popular attraction and even with an occasional murder we still have less problems than with our last whale” said the manager of the exhibit, referring to their hugely unpopular beatnik whale show.

“The beatnik whale would do nothing but wear a beret, smoke cigarettes, play bongos, write crappy poetry and talk about the evils of capitalism.  If I wanted that I’d watch MSNBC.”

President Obama has stated that the police in Florida have “acted stupidly” in this instance.

Tilikum is expected to be released on bail next week.