Manhattan Infidel

In a statement released today, Crackle announced that he is splitting with Snap and Pop because of “creative differences”.

“Sadly, after years of being together I find that instead of inspiring each other we now cramp each other’s style.  Snap and I have numerous philosophical differences of opinion regarding our direction.  As for Pop while I have deep affection for him I do not think he has a serious commitment to Snap or I anymore.”

Numerous sources close to Crackle say the decision to end his partnership with Snap has taken a toll.  “Crackle has cut himself off from his friends and spends most of his time at his farm drinking heavily and wandering around his property in his bathrobe” according to his brother-in-law. 

Recently there have been numerous public arguments between Snap and Crackle.  “They were drifting apart…..personally and professionally.  Snap had taken to calling Crackle his ‘ball and chain’ because he felt tied down in the partnership.  Crackle for his part was increasingly freaked out by Snap’s fetish for transsexual asian prostitutes.  And Pop felt that he was being overlooked and his contributions were not respected by the  other two” according to Rolling Stone Magazine.  Crackle also blamed Snap and Pop for bringing into the group Pow, and billing him as the fourth elf.   Pow, as readers will recall, was never accepted by fans and disappeared mysteriously after contracting a sizable gambing debt to local underworld figures. His body has never been recovered.

When reporters went to his farm and asked for a comment on the breakup, a visibly distraught Crackle, who was slurring his words and appeared disorientated, yelled “Just get off my f—— property you f—— vultures” before firing his shotgun at them.  Snap could not be reached for comment but his manager said  that he will have something to say once he is released from jail in Thailand.  As for Pop, he seems happy to be out from under Snap and Crackle’s glare and has been signed to  play the villian in the next James Bond movie, “License to Overregulate”.  “It’s great.  I play a mid-level civil service employee who wants to take over the world, one government form at a time.”

And so ends the most successful breakfast cereal trio of all time.  As for whether the parts will equal the sum of the whole, critics are doubtful. 

“Crackle is a headcase, popping pills and shooting everything in sight.  Snap is languishing in a foreign jail as a result of his fetish and Pop has gone Hollywood.”

A meteor set to collide with Earth veered off course at the last moment and continued towards the Sun.  The meteor, named X-43 by scientists who have been tracking it for months came within a few hundred miles of entering Earth’s atmosphere.

“One of this size could have destroyed thousands of square miles.  If it had hit a populated industrialized area the effect on the world economy could have been devastating” according to Dr. Robert Thomson of NASA.  “Fortunately we took a look at its trajectory and the most likely point of impact was upstate New York.”

There are many theories as to why Earth came so close to destruction but the most popular seems to be global warming.

Al Gore who was traveling to a Green Earth conference at Robert Redford’s Sundance Resort spoke to reporters from his airplane.  “Obviously this meteor almost hit Earth because of  carbon dioxide expelled into the atmosphere by humans.  If only we had passed the Kyoto Protocol!” declared the former Vice President.  When told that there is no evidence that global warming causes meteor showers, Gore said “Did I mention that my plane is painted white.  That way the inside won’t get as hot. I also have the air conditioner set to 70 not 65.  I’m saving the environment as we speak.”

From Chicago talk show host Oprah Winfrey agreed with Gore.  “We have to do something about carbon emissions if we want to save this planet or we will continue to have close calls like this.”  She then surprised her audience with brand new SUVs.

From Hollywood Leonardo DiCaprio and Ed Wood praised President Obama’s leadership during the meteor crisis.  “A righteous wind from DC kept us safe.”

However, not all were happy that the collision did not take place.  As one mayor of a small town near the projected ground zero told reporters “This would have been the most exciting thing to happen in this area since Greg Allman destroyed a hotel room in Oswego in 1981……seriously….nothing much happens up here…..nothing whatsover but snow.  Lots of it.  We’re kind of bored.”

As for meteor X-43 he said “Hey, I’m just crusing through the solar system minding my own business when I see Earth.  She says ‘Come on over.  Maybe we can get together’.  When I got closer I notice that she’s Mother Earth and sorry but I’m not into MILFs.  I want someone a little younger.”

When last seen X-43 was trying to pick up Venus.