Manhattan Infidel

From the Gospel according to St. Latoya:

And on the first day of the week, Janet cometh early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre; and she saw the stone taken away from the sepulchre.

She ran therefore, and cometh to Jackie, and to the other whom The Michael loved and saith unto them: They have taken away The Michael out of the sepulchre and we know not where they have laid him.

Jackie therefore went out, and that other disciple, and they came to the sepulchre.  And they both ran together, and that other disciple did outrun Jackie, and came first to the sepulchre.  And when he stooped down he saw the suit lying; but yet he went not in.

Then cometh Jackie, following him, and went into the sepulchre, and saw the suit lying.   The disciples therefore departed again to their home.

But Janet stood at the sepulchre without weeping.  Now as she was weeping, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre.  And she saw two children in white, sitting one at the head, and one at the feet, where the body of The Michael had been laid.  They say to her: Janet, why weepest thou?  She saith to them:  Because they have taken away my Michael; and I know not where they have laid him.

When she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Michael standing.  Michael saith to her:  Janet, why weepest thou?  Michael saith to her:  Do not touch me, for I have not yet toucheth the children in the sepulchre.  But go to my brethren.

Janet cometh, and telleth the disciples:  I have seen The Michael, and these things he said to me.

Now it was the first day of the week, and the doors were shut, where the disciples were gathered together, for fear of the white man, Michael came and stood in their midst.  And when he had done this he showed his cracked ribs from the CPR and his bald head and vanished nose.  The disciples therefore were glad, when they saw The Michael.

He breathed on them; and said to them: Receive ye The Beatles royalties.

Now Jermaine, one of the Five was not with them when Michael came.  The other disciples therefore said to him:  We have seen The Michael.  But he said to them:  Except I shall see on his chest the cracked ribs from the CPR and put my hand on his bald head and vanished nose, I will not believe.

And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Jermaine with them. Michael cometh, the doors being shut, and stood in their midst, and said:  Billy Jean is not my chair.

Then he saith unto Jermaine:  Put in thy finger hither, and see my cracked ribs and bald head and vanished nose; and be not faithless, but believing.  Jermaine answered and said to him:  My Michael.

Michael saith to him:  Because thou hast seen me, Jermaine, thou has believed:  blessed are they that have not seen and believed.

Many other signs also did Michael in  the sight of his disciples, which are not written in this book.  But these are written that you may believe in The Michael: and that believing you may receiveth royalties from The Beatles.

The maker of the Wonder Boxer, patterned after the Wonder Bra, has filed for bankruptcy and conceded that his product  has “inherent design flaws.”

Danny Williams, whose other products include solar-powered night vision glasses,  “I thought the military might be interested but they weren’t“, snap-on toupees, “the cumbersome anti-bleeding kit it came with ruined it” and an electronic self-enema machine, “I had high hopes for that but in the end there were too many sparks” announced today he is suspending production and will declare bankruptcy as he prepares for the many lawsuits his product has brought on.

A self-educated inventor, Mr. Williams says that he only wants to make life better for people. “I started seeing all these commercials for the ‘Wonder Bra.’  My wife wears one and she says having her breasts lifted and separated makes her look younger and gives her more confidence.  I figured, well, if it works for women, why not for men?”

Acting on a hunch he barricaded himself in his workshop over one weekend and came up with the prototype wonder boxer.

“It was a little uncomfortable at first. But hey, it was lifting and separating my testicles.  I did feel younger.  I walked around the neighborhood seeing if anyone would notice my firm young ball sack.  I got many compliments.  People asked me if I had gotten a face lift or anything.  I would just point to my crotch.  I then went back to my house convinced I had hit upon an idea that would make me millions.  And then I passed out from the pain.”

Not to be discouraged Mr. Williams soon struck a deal with The New York Mets.  Soon all Mets were wearing Wonder Boxers underneath their uniform.  At first it seemed like a mutually beneficial arrangement.  But then, Mets started dropping like flies. Carlos Beltran was carted off the field holding his midsection and crying “My testicles…..my God I can feel one…where the hell is the other one?  My God my testicles have been lifted and separated!” The design flaws of the Wonder Boxer were evident.

“It never occurred to me that having one’s testicles lifted and separated might be a bad thing.  I guess it was.”

At the Center for Testicular Rehabilitation doctors are working on many casualties of the Wonder Boxer.  Patients are lowered into a tub, the bottom of which is shaped to resemble a normal “man sack.”  They then spend an intensive 3-week therapy session in the tub.

“It is hoped that this will rejoin a man’s testicles and enable him to lead a normal life” said one doctor.

As for Danny Williams, despite being broke and the subject of numerous lawsuits, he is not discouraged.

“I’m already at work on my next invention which I call ‘The Guano Moisturizer.’  Imagine being covered head to toe in guano!  Who wouldn’t want that?  Guano has many nutrients.  I think it’ll be a huge success.”

Amid tight security and unprecedented press coverage, the murder trial of former Slate Rock and Gravel employee and Bedrock citizen Fred Flintstone has begun.

From his jail cell Flintstone was awakened at 6 AM.  After a shave and a shower and a quick meeting with his lawyers Flintstone was driven the 2 miles to the courthouse in an unmarked police car.  Arriving at the courthouse and dressed in a new blue suit Flintstone emerged from the car and waved to hundreds of his young, female cro-magnon supporters.

“We love you Fred” and “Fred is innocent” as well as a few “Have my baby Fred” signs were held aloft by the crowd.  Flintstone acknowledged the cheers and against the advice of his lawyers approached the crowds to shake hands.

“It was like he was a rock star” said one reporter.  “Everyone went crazy.  People were trying to rip off his clothes or cut off snippits of his hair  I just don’t understand it.”

Inside the courtroom the presiding Judge, Harold Myer called the trial to order.   “The People of Bedrock vs. Fred Flintstone in the murder of Barney and Betty Rubble is now in session” said the bailiff.

Flintstone appeared confident if not cocky, leaning back in his chair and appearing uninterested in the proceedings.   The prosecuter began his opening statement.

“We will proceed to show that the defendant, Fred Flintstone, on the night of April 16th committed the murders of Barney and Betty Rubble, a happily married and respectable cro-magnon couple.  He not only murdered them he planned it out in advance, stalking them for weeks.  On the night in question he parked outside their home with a shotgun on his lap, calmly walked into their home and began shooting, killing the Rubbles and seriously wounding his ex-wife Wilma Flintstone Slaghoople”

At the mention of her name, Wilma Flintstone wept in her wheelchair. “Because of that bastard I’m in this chair.  Because of him I’ll never again know the pleasuring touch of another female.”

The judge ordered the courtroom cleared, except for Wilma Flintstone.  “It’s important that I hear more about the pleasuring touch of another female” he said before retiring to his quarters with her.

After a half-hour’s delay he emerged from his quarters looking slightly flushed and thanked Flintstone for volunteering the information in such explicit detail.

It was now the defense team’s turn.  “We will show that the defendant, a good decent loyal hard working provider was brought to the edge of insanity by the infidelities of his wife. We will further show that she taunted our client by moving in next door to him and beginning an affair with his best friend Barney Rubble and his wife!”

At the mention of the threesome the courtroom again erupted with gasps, cries and several shouts of “Way to go Barney!”   The courtroom was cleared for a second time and the defense was allowed to finish with their opening statement.

After the statement was finished the trial adjourned for the day.  Fred Flintstone left the courtroom and waved to the crowd.  He seemed to be enjoying his new celebrity, teasing the bystanders and saying “Don’t worry honies.  I’ll be found innocent and then you can all have me.”

The trial is set to resume next week.

(To be continued)

For immediate release.  From the offices of Anderson Pharmaceuticals, makers of miracle drugs and wonder bras:

LeFloZyte, the latest drug designed to make the life of man easier and happier has, after much anticipation, hit the shelves. Having trouble with desire or performance?  Are you going and going and going?  Penis too small?  Instead of taking three separate pills for three separate problems why not take one pill for all?  Yes you heard correctly.  One pill!  One pill means less time worrying about your health and more time devoted to the activities you truly enjoy:  sex, more sex, more satisfying sex and regularly spaced but not frequent trips to the bathroom.

Thanks to the miracle of modern chemistry we at Anderson Pharmaceuticals are proud to announce LeFloZyte, the only FDA approved pill to cure erectile dysfunction, growing prostates and too small penises.  But don’t just take our word for it!  Listen to these happy testimonials.

Chuck from Wheeling, West Virginia writes “My love life was in a funk.  I just couldn’t perform like I could when I was younger.  And whenever I would get in the mood I’d have to make one of my many trips to the bathroom.  And when I was in the bathroom I’d find myself looking down at a too small penis.  Life was a drag.  But now with LeFloZyte my penis is big, my bathroom trips are infrequent and I can make love to my wife like a 20-year old - long loud and 7 or 8 times a day.  In fact, my wife has never been happier, though lately she has taken to locking the bedroom door and crying…..probably from happiness.  Thank you LeFloZyte!”

Hugh from Germantown, New York writes “I have never had a problem with performance but lately had become self-conscious over my too small penis.  While I had always considered myself at least average sized I was beginning to notice that my penis did not appear to be as large as the ones I downloaded from the internet.  And I was always going and going and going.  But with one pill a day my problems were solved.  Now my penis is larger than the ones I see on the internet.  I’ve posted it on Facebook I’m so damn proud.  And I haven’t gone to the bathroom in weeks!  I don’t know what I’d do without LeFloZyte!’

Andy from St. Paul Minnesota writes “My too small penis was hampering my hobby as a flasher.  The girl scouts used to just point and laugh.  When I would be arrested no one wanted to share a jail cell with me because I’d keep them awake all night going and going and going.  I had lost all desire for my inflatable doll.  Then my doctor told me about LeFloZyte. Now my penis is so large people can’t help but notice.  I hang it outside my car window and use it as a turn signal.  My inflatable doll is taking a pounding and I may never go to the bathroom again!  LeFloZyte you’re a lifesaver!”

And these are just a sample of the testimonials from our happy customers.  Join the LeFloZyte army today and change your life forever.  Now only $59.99 a month.  Do not take LeFloZyte if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as this may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Possible side effects include bloating and a propensity to commit sex crimes. In rare cases spontaneous combustion has been reported.

The Mattel toy company announced a new line of Barbie Dolls which it hopes will revitalize the line and take it well into the 21st Century.

Robert A. Eckert,  Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer of Mattel Inc., announced the new line today during a press conference.

“We value the important contribution Barbie has made over the past 50 years.  We are always trying to make Barbie an enjoyable part of the lives of young girls, as well as educational.  It is because of this and with great pride we announce the following new line of Barbie Dolls.”

As cameras flashed the new Barbies were rolled out to great applause.

“We want to make Barbie relevant to girls of color.  Witness Puerto Rican Barbie.” 

As a 10-year old girl pulled a string on her back, Barbie exclaimed, “You come near me papi chulo and I cut you!” Barbie then reached into her pocket and drew out a knife.  The girl was then given the Barbie and, with a slightly confused look on her face, hustled off stage.

“Thank you Puerto Rican Barbie.  Next up is Feminist Career Woman Barbie.  If you notice Feminist Career Woman Barbie comes with a pants suit and  shoulder pads.  Pull her string and watch her assert her independence.”

He did just this and Feminist Career Woman Barbie said “My vagina symbolizes my self-actualization.”

Eckert continued, “Now we have Young Starlet Barbie.   The Young Starlet Barbie includes her own car and a small dog.”

He  placed Young Starlet Barbie in her car.  Barbie then drove a few feet, crashed into a lamp post, got out of her car, shaved off her hair and muttered “I’m so wasted I don’t know where I am.  Did I just make a sex tape?” before falling asleep.

“I’m particularly proud of Young Starlet Barbie and believe she will be our best seller” Eckert said.

“And finally we have Rocker Barbie.  As you can see Rocker Barbie comes with her own electric guitar.  And if you look closely you’ll notice the ‘Death to the Man’ tatoo on her left shoulder.  Also, with a 2-year warranty available at a reasonable cost Rocker Barbie is guaranteed to withstand 4 overdoses.”

And with that the preview of the new Barbie Dolls came to an end.  All will be available to the public after the labor day weekend, “Just in time for the new school year” according to Eckert.

Today the entertainment community was shocked when everyone in the entertainment community died.  Reeling from the recent losses of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and Karl Malden the industry was unprepared for the mass death that hit the town.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said one producer just before he died.  “People are dying faster than in a Sam Peckinpah movie.”

The carnage started at 9 AM when the entire cast of CSI: Miami died.  “I had just handed Mr. Caruso his script when he keeled over.  Then the rest of the cast died right after that” said one production assistant.

By Noon half the shows in production ground to a halt as dead producers, dead writers, dead directors and dead stars littered the sets.  Panic spread to the as of yet undead in Hollywood.  As word got out that all undead should leave Hollywood by any means possible actors were seen fighting in the streets with zombies who thought the undead notice applied to them.

By 2 PM Hollywood’s most popular restaurants, where producers used to hold power lunches and seal multimillion dollar deals were empty except for an occasional goat that wandered in from the now deserted streets.

“The goats were nice” said one waiter.  “They tipped better than the producers and didn’t leave as much of a mess in the bathroom.”

By 5 PM everyone involved in the entertainment industry was dead.  The Mayor of Los Angeles lamented the loss.  “Obviously this is going to adversely affect our economy.  Already the catering and prostitution industries have been devastated.”

The one bright spot was the nightly news casts for the major networks who all announced 4 hour specials to run that night.  “Hollywood:  The Death of Legends, Superstars and the Second Guy to Play Lionel Jefferson on ‘The Jeffersons’  - no not the one who originated the Role on All in the Family but the Other Guy” was the title of one such special.

Speculation was rife as to the cause of all the deaths in Hollywood.  From Tennessee Al Gore blamed global warming.  Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper said “Perhaps if the United States had universal health care this wouldn’t have happened, eh?”

From his home in Bel Air, God held a press conference to explain his mass smiting.

“Hey, I was having a bad day.  Haven’t you ever had a bad day at work?  Besides, I just couldn’t sit through another Pink Panther remake.”

In a sign of a thaw in U.S.-Iranian relations, Iranian President Mahmoud Admadinejad made a guest appearance on the popular show “The Dating Game.”

Wearing his trademark tan windbreaker Admadinejad appeared as bachelor no. 2, between bachelor no. 1 (North Korean Dear Leader  Kim Jong-il) and bachelor no. 3 (a 47-year old help desk technician and blogger).

Things got off to a lively start when the bachelorette, a 25 year old swimsuit model asked the three bachelors what they would do if they were on a date and another man kept hitting on her.

Kim Jong-il replied “I would mercilessly annihilate him with my nuclear arsenal.”  With nervous giggles the bachelorette replied “Wow.  A little violent perhaps.”

Bachelor no. 3 replied “We would leave peacefully.  There are other places to go and life is too short.” The studio audience laughed derisively to catcalls of “wimp.”

Ahmadinejad replied, “I do not recognize this other man’s right to exist.”

The bachelorette seemed to like this answer and said “Now that’s what I like.  A take charge man.”

Her next question was “Describe a perfect first date.”

Bachelor no. 3, who never seemed to recover from the first question said, “I don’t make a lot of money.  Maybe we’d see a movie then stop by a bar for a drink or two.  It depends.  What would you like to do?”

The audience bombarded the stage with boos and catcalls of  “Wimp!” and “Grow a pair!”  Bachelor no. 3 attempted to defend himself but was grabbed by studio security and taken backstage and beaten unconscious.  He was then tossed into the alley with a sign attached to him that said “Wimp and blogger.”

Kim Jong-il said “I would take you to my  private theatre and we would watch cartoons.  I love cartoons. I love my hair.”

The bachelorette replied “Well, that’s sweet.  Cartoons are very sweet” and rolled her eyes.

Ahmadinejad appeared to seal the deal at this point by saying “I would let you watch me destroy all the enemies of Allah.”

The crowd cheered and the bachelorette chose him as her date.

“I liked all his answers.  He’s strong and take charge.  Bachelor no. 1 was kinda sweet but he struck me as a momma’s boy.  Bachelor no. 3 really never figured into the equation.  He was undecisive and weak.  Plus, he had a blog.  C’mon.  A blog? What woman wants to date a freak who has a blog.  He probably sits at home in his underwear drinking beer while writing in his so-called blog, then prints out posts and shows them to friends in a pathetic attempt to garner approval.  He disgusts me and I spit on him.”

After being introduced to her date and giving the final goodbye kiss to the audience they learned where they would be going on their date.

“Congratulations” said the host Chuck Woolery.   “You’ve just won a week in Tel Aviv.”

As the closing credits rolled, Ahmadinejad could be seen gesticulating and saying “I can’t go there.  I’m bombing it next week.”

A new study conducted under the auspices of NYU has found that an overwhelming majority of married men if forced to choose between listening to talk radio and spending quality time with their wives would choose talk radio.

The study involved 35 married men between the ages of 24 ad 59.  Subjects were placed in front of two doors.  Behind one door would be a live stream of Mike Francesa’s sports talk show.  Behind the other door would be their spouse. They would be asked to open one door.

“At first we found that if they opened the door that had their wife they seemed disappointed and would mutter ‘crap’ or similar sentiments.  We also found that if they opened the door leading to the live stream they grew excited, would smile and express feelings of contentment.”

“We decided to see what would happen if we told the men which door their wife was behind.  Invariably they chose the other door.  So we decided to lie.  We told the men that one door would lead to talk radio.  They opened it only to find their wives.  They would scream at us ‘traitors’ and ‘lying pieces of shit.’  One man who thought he was going to listen to Francesa but instead got his wife collapsed in tears as she told him that they were first going shopping and then watch the Sex in the City DVD.  To this day he’s still in a deep coma.”

As the tests progressed researchers found increasingly bizarre reactions from the subjects.

“We weren’t sure whether our initial results were pro talk radio or anti marriage so we removed the talk radio stream and placed objects behind the door that would harm and/or kill the men.  We told them this.  They still chose that door instead of the one with their wife behind it.  One man opened the door and out flew vultures who pecked his eyes out.  As they were doing this he said ‘At least it ain’t my wife.’ ”

This lead to a whole new hypothesis regarding marriage.

“We discovered that marriage is the 3rd leading cause of insanity in adult males, behind only rooting for the Mets and playing golf at Bethpage Black.”

The finding was forwarded to the New York State Legislature which commenced hearings and reported out The Act to Make Marriage Safe, Legal and Rare bill, which includes provisions for 6 weeks vacation a year away from a spouse as well as free Demerol for those men whose sanity has been shredded by marriage.

ESPN has announced that it will cover the Michael Jackson Memorial live on ESPN and ESPN2.  George Bodenheimer, President of ESPN Networks announced today that they will be covering it live.

“We were reluctant at first.  But you have to admit, the man was a great ball handler!’

The anabolic steroid community was rocked today when it was learned that a popular steroid had trace amounts of Alex Rodriguez in his system.

The headquarters of the Anabolic Steroid League on Park Avenue released a statement that said in part, “We are of course deeply shocked and saddened that one of our steroids has tested positive.   The steroid in question has been suspended for 50 days.  We pledge to work with authorities to clean up the steroid community so that this does not happen again.”

“We realize that many of our fans are disillusioned by the repeated drug scandals in our industry.  While we regret the circumstances we take the opportunity to point out that our drug testing policy is the most rigorous in the nation.”

When informed of his 50-day suspension, the steroid in question, commonly known as “gonadal testicle extract 57″ asked his fans to forgive him.

“I will serve out my suspension.  I am sorry for having anything to do with baseball as I now realize that it taints my accomplishments forever.”

However, there are signs of discontent with other steroids.  One steroid who spoke on condition of anonymity said “We are all on baseball.  I’m just trying to get an edge.  I have to compete with younger steroids out there.”

Another steroid claimed “Most of us are on baseball.  They (the Steroid League) does not want to admit the obvious.  And what’s wrong with baseball?  It’s made me a better steroid.  The fans like the result.”

Still a third had this to say:  “If I wasn’t doing baseball I’d be doing cycling.  And who the hell wants to go to France?  They got Frenchmen there!”

Today’s development is only the latest scandal involving the use of performance enhancing drugs.  The 2008 Spelling Bee Champion Mayee Zhu had her award taken away from her when it was revealed that she was Chinese.  “Everyone knows the Chinese are smarter.  This gave her an unfair advantage.”

The 2008 Chess Championship was rocked when the challenger, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia tested positive for Vladimir Putin.  “The use of Putin could potentially frighten an opponent as they would most likely be shot if they won.”

Congress will investigate the use of performance enhancing drugs this fall and has already subpoenaed Britney Spears and will question her about her use of performance enhancing lip synching.