Manhattan Infidel

With the mourning for Senator Kennedy officially over the search has begun for his replacement in the Senate.  Given that any candidate to replace Ted Kennedy would have to continue his legacy sources say the search has focused primarily on someone who is tragically flawed in character with a history of binge drinking and/or sexual scandal.

The front runner at the moment appears to be Louisville Cardinals head coach Rick Pitino.

“We like Pitino because his Catholicism would appeal to Massachusetts’ voters” declared State Democratic Party Chairman John Walsh.  “Also there is also no denying that Pitino’s recent sex scandal involving adultery in a restaurant is just the kind of behavior that would make a Kennedy proud.”

However attractive Pitino would be to Massachusetts’ voters other candidates are also promising.  Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is a prime candidate.

“Governor Spitzer’s dalliances with prostitutes would naturally appeal to the upper middle class while his penchant for leaving his socks on during sex hopefully would appeal to ‘Joe Six Pack.’ ”

Reaching beyond the world of professional politicians, former reality TV star Ryan Jenkins was considered a promising candidate.

“We  liked the fact that he murdered his ex-wife then removed her teeth and fingers.  If he had also been an alcoholic he would have been a perfect choice to succeed Senator Kennedy.   We were about to ask him if he was interested when he made the poor choice to hang himself.  While being dead is not necessarily a bar to being a Senator as Robert Byrd has proven the Kennedy’s were all about surviving.  A successor who had committed suicide would be a betrayal of that legacy.”

At the moment though there appears to be no one who could command the confidence of the entire party.  Massachusetts’ Democratic operatives were rumored to be scouring bars at closing time looking for sad, desperate, lonely, pathetic figures clutching shot glasses and hitting on women much too young for them.

“We want Ted’s office filled as soon as possible.  I don’t want to say were desperate but if we don’t fill it soon we may have to go to Hollywood and draft Gary Busey or Nick Nolte.  If only O.J. were an alcoholic we’d even settle for him.”

The U.S. House of Representatives announced today that it will be leaving Washington D.C. after the 2010 legislative session.  Lorraine C. Miller, Clerk of the House of Representatives announced that due to declining revenue from ticket sales and lack of corporate sponsorship they will move to Las Vegas.

“We really had no choice.  D.C. had become financially untenable for the House franchise.  We tried everything.  We built special luxury boxes in the gallery with wifi access.  We upgraded the food menu in the gallery.  Instead of just hot dogs and beer we now offered sushi and wine.  We tried lowering our ticket prices and offering special ticket packages like the ‘Meet and Greet’ where ticket holders would be escorted to their seats by a congressman.  But nothing worked.  No one came to see us.”

Sources say that the final decision to relocate came when the House of Representatives was unable to secure corporate sponsorship past the 2010 legislative session.

“We tried to find a new corporate sponsor when Coors Brewing Company did not renew their contract.  Viagra looked promising but many of the Congressman who are currently using Viagra saw it as a conflict of interest.”

On top of all of this was the deteriorating physical condition of the House Chamber.  A engineering study found that it would cost several hundred million to refurbish the chamber.  The benches were old and hard and the ceiling was cracked in many places.  A chunk of the ceiling even fell down last February barely missing Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) who called the near miss “a plot by Republicans to kill off the black man.”

It was at that moment that the decision to leave Washington was made.  Many locations were looked at but it boiled down to Philadelphia and Las Vegas.  Philadelphia had strong historical value but was rejected because, in the words of Earl Pomeroy (D-ND), “W.C. Fields was right about Philadelphia.”

Las Vegas will build a new chamber for the House of Representatives complete with luxury boxes, climate-controlled seating and a diverse food menu for the galleries.  They have also signed popular Las Vegas act Sigfried and Roy to open for the House.  “Ya, our little tigers zey vant to meet zee congressmen” said Roy.

In keeping with the gambling image of Las Vegas the House of Representatives will also be renamed “The House of Wheelers and Dealers.”

There is currently no word on whether the Senate will also seek to relocate.

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) has died.  Edward Kennedy, the last surviving son of Joe Kennedy died at approximately 3:30 in the morning surrounded by his family.

Immediately after his death Senator Kennedy attempted to reach Heaven but was repeatedly rebuffed by strong currents and dark, cold, muddy waters.

Exhausted by his efforts to reach Heaven, Senator Kennedy returned to his family compound, contacted police and made a written statement.

“Shortly after my soul left my body I attempted to reach Heaven, in fact making several different attempts to reach it.  Each time I was prevented by strong currents.  I returned to my family compound exhausted by my efforts and laid on my bed with my wet clothes still on.  I was on the bed for awhile when I heard voices outside my room.  I put some dry clothes on and opened the door, asking them ‘what time is it?’  They seemed surprised to see me and said ‘Hasn’t your soul ascended into Heaven yet?’  I explained that I was unable to reach it, was totally exhausted and that my mind was a jumble of conflicting thoughts.  ‘I think there must have been some sort of accident’ I said.

“My friends offered to help me find Heaven and we immediately started the search again but the cold dark water and strong current surrounding Heaven frustrated our efforts.  My friends told me I would have to report that I was unable to reach Heaven to the proper authorities and I said I would.  They then left me and continued their attempt to find a clear path to Heaven for me.

“Next, instead of reporting the fact that my soul had left its body and could not find Heaven I spent the next couple hours walking around my family compound, at one point even talking nonchalantly with neighbors about sailing and accepting their invitation to breakfast. It was not until 11 hours after my soul left my body when my family told me I had to report the incident  that I did so.  I cannot explain why it took so long.  Perhaps I had a concussion.  I find my failure to do so ‘morally inexcusable’ and I ask the forgiveness of my friends and family.”

Senator Kennedy’s failure to report his soul’s inability to reach Heaven could have a long lasting impact on his future post-death career and possibly block his chances for advancement.

The Heaven Police Department (HPD) is investigating the incident and have not ruled out a formal inquest and possible charges against Senator Kennedy, including failure to report leaving his body.

For over 30 years the mystery of what was on the 18 1/2 minute gap in one of President Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes has fascinated researchers, biographers and anyone interested in the scandal that brought down a President.  Now finally we may know.  Using the latest technology scientists have been able to recover the 18 1/2 minute gap.  And what they have found will surprise everyone.

After routine conversation between President Nixon and his secretary Rose Mary Woods, one minute into the tape President Nixon gets a call on his private line:

Nixon: Hello?

Jimmy Page:  Dick it’s Jimmy

Nixon:  Hey  Jimmy.  How are things? How is that wild man Bonham?

Jimmy Page:  He’s passed out.  We put him on his side so he wouldn’t choke on his vomit

Nixon:  Smart move.  What’s up?

Jimmy Page:  I’m writing a song and I’m having trouble with the  lyrics.  Can you help me?

Nixon:  Anything for a fellow rebel.  What’s the song about?

Jimmy Page:  It’s called Stairway to Heaven.  I have most of the lyrics  but it needs another verse.  I’m stumped.

Nixon:  That happens.  I remember McCartney was having problems with Hey Jude so I gave him the ‘movement you need is on your shoulder’ line.  Son of a bitch never thanked me…..what’s the theme of this stairway song?

Jimmy Page:  I’m working on rural images….countryside. Celtic imagery. May queens……stuff like that.

Nixon:  This is a coincidence.  I was tooling around with some lyrics this morning I think you can use.  Try this:  ‘If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow/don’t be alarmed now/it’s just a spring clean for the May Queen…… ‘

Jimmy Page:  That’s it!  That’s it!  That’s what the song needs!  You’re a genius.  Plant…Jones….Dick has the perfect idea. (Sounds of excitement in background.  An unidentified voice, perhaps Robert Plant shouts ‘I can sing that!’)

Nixon:  Jimmy it’s my pleasure.  Remember, I don’t want to be credited on the lyrics.  This is our secret.  And you tell that wacky wild man Bonham the next time he’s in D.C. to look me up.

Jimmy Page:  Will do Mr. President.

End of call.  Fourteen minutes into the tape President Nixon receives another call.

Nixon:  Hello?

Unidentified caller:  Hello.  Is this President Nixon?

Nixon:  Yes it is son.  How old are you?

Unidentified caller:  I’m 12.  I’m from Dublin.

Nixon:  Nice to hear from you son.  What can I do for you?

Unidentified caller:   I want to be a rock star when I grow up but my parents keep discouraging me.  They say Rock and Roll is below the Irish.

Nixon:  Don’t listen to them.  You can do whatever you want.  You too can do it.  You too can!   What’s your name son?

Unidentified caller:  Paul…….Paul Hewson.

Nixon:  Well Paul I say follow your dream.  You too can do it.  You too can have your dreams come true.

Unidentified caller:  You too!  You too!  I like it.  That’s what I’m going to call my band.  U2 - like the spy plane.

Nixon:  I like it.  Turn the weapons of war into weapons of peace and rock and roll.  Keep rocking and rolling kid. By the way, you might want to think about a stage name.  Paul Hewson is just not memorable.  Who do you like?

Unidentified caller:  I really like Cher.

Nixon:  Well, there you have it.  Your name is now Bono.

Unidentified caller:  Thank you Mr. President.

End of call.

Many will be surprised at Richard Nixon’s unsung roll in the development of rock and roll.  According to the Head of the Nixon Library, the 37th President also advised the Beatles to fire Pete Best.  “That Starkey guy is a much better drummer.”  Nixon viewed himself as the “Friedrich Engels of Rock and Roll.  Just like Engels preached communism but during the day was a prosperous businessman, Nixon preached law and order but at night was a rocker.  He decided to keep it secret for political reasons, fearing fallout from the right-wing evangelical base of his party.”

The full Nixon Tapes will be available to the public sometime in the Spring of 2010.

President Obama today started his summer vacation in Martha’s Vineyard by holding a press conference where he pleaded with the press to respect his family’s privacy.

“I don’t want you people in the press to get any ideas.  I’m just a typical American having a typical vacation.  It’s summer time and like all Americans I am taking a few weeks off in Martha’s Vineyard.  That’s it.  Just a typical vacation doing what all Americans do.  Why this morning when my family and 200 servants got on board Air Force One I said to myself ‘I’m just having a summer vacation that’s all.  Like all Americans do.’ ”

“When we flew over Manhattan I asked the pilot to fly much lower and slower over the Island so that I,  a proud father, could point out to my daughters famous New York City landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and Ground Zero.  Isn’t this a great country when a citizen on vacation can request the pilot of the airplane he is on to fly lower and he does it?   The people on the ground seemed to be happy to see the plane as they were all screaming and running - probably to their respective congressman’s office to voice their support for my policies.”

As his staff handing out the President’s itinerary Obama continued to stress the nonpartisan nature of his vacation.

“As you can see by my schedule there is nothing the least bit pubic or political about it.  I’ll just be doing the normal things that typical normal Americans do when they go to Martha’s Vineyard like having lunch with Ted Kennedy where we will discuss the dire situation of health care in America.  I also plan to spend a few mornings working in a soup kitchen with my wife where I will talk about unemployment and homelessness and how we must punish the fat cats making over $200,000 a year.  I will also be having dinner with my good friend and supporter of universal health care James Taylor.  You see, all things that most Americans do on their vacation.”

“So you see I just plan to chill out and relax at my $35,000 a week vacation home like all Americans do.  So I ask the press, especially Rush Limbaugh, to respect my wishes and leave me alone.”

As the press conference ended President Obama, his wife and children and several Secret Service agents piled into an armor-plated SUV.  The President waved goodbye to the press and said “You see, just another typical American on a typical holiday.”

Building on the momentum from their recent pardon of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, Scotland announced that they are pardoning everyone in the world.  Scottish Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill made the announcement today.

“In the name of the Scottish people I hereby pardon everyone for every offense they may have committed.”

When asked why they are doing this, MacAskill responded,  “The Scottish are a notoriously charitable people.  We cannot tolerate seeing anybody but the English in jail.”

Immediately after the announcement jails throughout the world were emptied of their occupants.  In Texas Governor Rick Perry expressed surprise and wondered if Scotland had jurisdiction but eventually agreed to free the close to 300 people on Death Row.  “I probably shouldn’t do this, but Braveheart was a great movie, I’m drunk and maybe this will help me get Sheena Easton’s phone number.”

In New York City, Scotland’s proclamation stating that “some hurts can never heal, some scars can never fade.  But justice has been served, now mercy must be shown”  was received with great enthusiasm.  Daniel Smith, 38, who was about to pay a $150 fine for a minor traffic violation pumped his fists in the air and shouted “I am so out of here” before leaving the Courthouse,  entering his car and running over a pedestrian.

In Los Angeles the Decree of Pardon was rendered moot when it was discovered that all their prisoners had already escaped by scaling the prison walls.  “I blame the Mexicans” said Governor Schwarzenegger.

Ireland gladly freed all its inmates except for a bartender named Frank that no one liked anyway.

Only Russia of all the countries in the world had no inmates in jail, all of them having previously been poisoned by Putin.

The Presiding Officer of the Scottish Parliament, Alex Fergusson told reporters that “this is only the first step - next week we plan on pardoning all fictional characters from movies, TV, theater and books and the week after that inmates from other planets except for the Ferengi of course.”

The Ferengi immediately declared war on Wales.   “I would have declared war on Scotland but I still hope to get Sheena Easton’s phone number” said the Grand Negis Zek, leader of the Ferengi Alliance.

Many people criticize my hard-hitting investigative journalism, claiming that I “make the whole thing up.”  Others say “Poor Manhattan Infidel.  He’s off his meds again.”   Still others say “Manhattan Infidel, put your pants back on.”  Well, I now present evidence of my journalistic abilities.

First, a link from my site dated May 21st 2009:

Tickle me Elmo Tired of This Shit:

And now a link from the New York Daily News dated Saturday August 22nd 2009:

What the h-Elmo, Man?:

Let the reader make his own judgment.

Tuesday August 26th 2040

Legendary NFL quarterback Brett Favre announced today that he will be unretiring for the 32nd time.  After playing with every franchise in the league, the 70-year old Favre has signed with the Sea of Tranquility Titans of the new NFL Moon League.

Favre, who announced his retirement on May 13th from the Philadelphia Eagles, expressed excitement about playing on the moon.

“The gravity on the moon is 1/6th of the Earth’s and I know this will help my passing game” he said.  Favre told reporters that he expects to break all records this year.  “As soon as my prosthetic arm is delivered that is.”

Halfway through the 2039 season Favre’s right arm fell off.  Being the trooper that he is he played the rest of the schedule, using his teeth to pass the ball.

This wasn’t the first time Favre has lost a limb.  During the 2035 season while playing with the Seattle Seahawks Favre lost both legs when the entire defensive line of the opposing Arizona Cardinals ran over him.  Favre blamed the incident on an inexperienced offensive line and the fact that “everyone else on the field was 35 years younger than I was.”

The Philadelphia Eagles  wished Favre well and praised his performance the past year.

“It was a gritty performance by one of the NFL’s toughest players” declared the Eagles General Manager.  “While we would have preferred that Brett was more successful with us, his veteran leadership was an inspiration to the entire team.  We wish Brett well.  He has our respect.  But this year the Eagles are going in a new direction and instituting a youth program with a younger quarterback, perhaps someone still in his 50s.”

The NFL Moon League released a statement saying that “We are obviously very pleased to have a marquee player like Brett Favre play for us in this our first year of operation.  This will help tremendously with ticket sales.”

One potential problem is the stadium that the Sea of Tranquility Titans will play their home games in does not have a dome thereby exposing players to the cold dark soundless vacuum of space.

Favre brushed aside any concerns.

“A cold dark vacuum with no sound?  Why it’ll be like playing for the Jets again.”

In a surprise move, The Borg Collective  have assimilated TimeWarner.

The Borg Collective, a race of cybernetically enhanced humanoid drones of various species run by a collective “hive mind” orchestrated a hostile takeover of Time Warner, the third largest media and entertainment conglomerate in the world.  At 9 A.M. TimeWarner employees were herded into a large conference room and told of the change.  Representatives from the Department of Borg Resources were on hand to help explain the changes and assist with the transition.

The most common question was “What about my 401K?”   The Borg explained that the collective will take care of all your needs and no individual retirement accounts would be necessary.

Many worried about their health benefits.  A Borg representative explained that the Borg implants that all employees will soon receive will last forever therefore obviating the necessity for health benefits.

Several at the meeting raised concerns specific to their situation.

“We don’t actually work for TimeWarner.  Look at our badges.  They are red.  We are contractors.  Will contractors get the same deal as TimeWarner employees?”  

The contractors were informed that they would be outsourced to an Indian Company that the Borg have a majority interest in but that they would not be given implants, access to the collective nor health benefits.

An employee asked if the Borg were associated with Victor Borge, the famous “Unmelancholy Dane.”  The Department of Borg Resources assured him they were not.

One employee was worried that her Borg implants would interfere with her date tonight.  “How can I make love to my boyfriend with this mechanical hand?” The Borg’s explanation that they reproduced asexually almost became a deal-breaker as many employees objected.

“Asexual reproduction?  What are we?  Irish?”

The meeting was on the point of degenerating into a riot until the Borg Collective took control of the room, killing those who objected and jump-starting the process of assimilation.  Within hours all employees were given their implants and gained access to the collective.

Despite assurances that the merger would go smoothly problems were reported.  Those calling up BorgWarner’s Help Desk were greeted with a new message:  “Help Desk.  You will be assimilated.” One man who just wanted access to his personal folders in Outlook was told that “resistance is futile.”

Cheryl Casone of the Fox Business Network stated that “While the Borg are great at assimilating species, planets and civilizations they still have a lot to learn about running a multimedia company.”

Calls to BorgWarner have as yet been unanswered.

The image in indelibly ingrained into the American consciousness:  Sheriff Will Kane courageously defends himself against Frank Miller who was bent on revenge after Kane sent him to prison.

Now retired and living comfortably in Tampa, Florida Sheriff Will Kane has decided to break his silence and finally speak on the events, in the process puncturing many of the myths that have grown up around the “Incident in Hadleyville.”

“Sure I defeated the gang but that wasn’t the real reason I returned to the town. Hell, I didn’t even know Miller and his gang were there.”

Kane leans back in his chair and sips from his glass of wine,  a look of peace on his face like a man who is about to get a long buried secret off his chest.

“The real reason I returned to Hadleyville was that I forgot my Cialis.  Can you blame me.  I had just married a woman 30 years younger than me.  C’mon.  You didn’t actually believe that I went back into town to face down a gang that wanted to kill me did you?  Hell I wasn’t even sheriff anymore.

“I was glad to get out of that town.  I had just taken a job as a security consultant in California that would have made me lots of money.   I had married me a young honey.  She was insatiable I tell you. We had already  left town when I remembered I left my Cialis back at the jail.  So I turned around.

“When I get into town I find it in an uproar.  ‘Frank Miller is coming into town on the noon train’ they tell me. Well shit that’s all I needed to know.  Miller had threatened to kill me remember.  So I went to the jail and grabbed my Cialis from my desk and was all set to leave with time to spare.  I was in the bathroom taking a crap when I hear the noon train coming in.  What the f*#$ I say…..it’s only 11 AM. Then I realize that I forgot to set my watch ahead for the time change.  I was literally caught with my pants down.  Real heroic right?”

Kane lit up a cigar.

“Nothing like a cigar with a glass of wine is there?  Anyway I had no choice now but to fight my way out of town.  Luckily for me I had plenty of ammunition.  Miller and his gang weren’t that intelligent so I had a Mexican prostitute I used to frequent bring them to her brothel.  It was there that I shot them all in the back of the head.  So ba-da-bing ba-da-boom.  Long story short. They’re dead.  Town’s happy.  I’m back on the road to California.”

I asked Kane what happened after he left Hadleyville.

“Amy and I arrive in California.  Things were great for awhile.  I mean here I am in my early 50s married to this young woman.  The sex was fantastic……..then she left me for some surfer with blond hair.  I shouldn’t have married her.  All my friends told me she was bad news.  But you know…….the sex.”

He throws his head back and laughs like a man aware that the joke is on him.  I ask him what happened to Amy.

“She’s long dead.  From what I hear it was a murder-suicide.  He caught her cheating on him and shot her to death before turning the gun on himself.  Can’t say I’m surprised.  The girl was insatiable you know.”

I thanked him for his time.  As I got up to leave he looked at his watch and said “I don’t mean to hurry you along but I have a date with a young woman.  She’s in her 50s and insatiable!”