Manhattan Infidel

A day after bringing out their “C” team, the Yankees once again brought out their “A” team.  Jeter, Teixeira, AROD, Swisher and Damon started.  Once again, behind in the bottom of the 9th, seemingly helpless, the Yankees pulled another miracle victory out of the hat.  If they had only used a shoelace and a paper clip instead of a freak hit MacGyver could have done no better.

But onto the game.  There really is no suspense left in the Yankee season.  That, and the miserably cold night in the Bronx meant a lower than expected crowd.  The stadium felt cold, dark and empty.  Much like my inbox.  (Why doesn’t anyone email me?  God I’m so lonely.)  But I digress.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett and, in a long-overdue move, had Jose “Unangry Spanish man” catch him instead of Jorge “Angry Spanish man” Posada.  The results of when A.J. pitches to Molina instead of Posada speak for themselves.  Which is good since I don’t feel like pulling up the stats.  The Royals countered with the unknown Anthony Lerew who has pitched a total of 12 games in the majors and had just been called up from Double-A last week.  Just the type of pitcher to give the Yankees fits.

At first it seemed like Lerew would do just that, not allowing a hit until the 6th inning.  With the Yankees losing 1-0 Mark “The anti-Jason Giambi” hit a home run to tie the score.

Manager Joe Girardi brought in Phil “We got coke in the bullpen” Coke with one out in the 7th.  Coke, usually reliable, almost cost the Yankees the game.  A costly throwing error on what should have been a double play allowed Josh Anderson to score.  2-1 Royals.  Coke then got Mitch Maier to ground out to him but instead of throwing home threw to first allowing Alex Gordon to score.  3-1 Royals after 6 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the 7th when Nick Swisher homered to deep right field.  The ball bounced off the wall and made its way to  front of the bleachers.  A man in my row a few to my left almost got the ball before it bounced back into the box seats.  On the bright side I did get to see myself on the center field scoreboard watching the ball land (almost) next to me.  3-2 Royals after 7.

And so the score stayed until the bottom of the 9th.  MacGyver time.  The Royals brought in ex-Yankee reliever Karl Farnsworth to abundant booing.  It was at this point that I knew the Yankees were going to win. I turned to the man next to me and said “If Farnsworth does for the Royals what he did for the Yankees, this game is ours.”

Pinch hitter Robinson Cano hit a sacrifice fly to deep center allowing Francisco Cervelli to score.  Tie game.  Next up was Juan Miranda who entered the game when Teixeira was pinch run for.  Miranda then hit an infield single that bounced off Farnsworth’s leg and into foul territory between home plate and first base allowing Eric Hinske to score the winning run.  4-3 Yankees.  From his home MacGyver told reporters that having the infield single bounce off Farnworth’s foot was a “stroke of genius” on the part of Joe Girardi and he feels that Girardi has a future as a secret agent.

So my (regular) season ends.  Now the Yankees go on to the ALDS (which I already have tickets for).  As I write this the Red Sox have backed into the Wild Card and will face the Los Angeles of California of Anaheim of California Angels while the Yankees’ opponent has still to be determined.  The Tigers seem intent on blowing their lead and allowing the Twins to capture the division.  Either way it’s good news for the Yankees who have gone 25-8 against the Central Division this year.   I feel confident about the Yankees going into the playoffs.  Then again I felt confident about them going into the 2004 playoffs and that ended with the four darkest days in the history of recorded civilization.  This year will turn out different.

Best heckle of the game:  For some reason the fans started the wave (perhaps because it was so cold they needed to start some circulation in their bodies.)  For those who don’t know we in the bleachers are too cool to do the wave.  Around the statdium the wave went until it got to section 203 where true bleacher creatures did not stand up.  Several started the heckle “The wave is gay save it for Shea” which, admittedly sounded wittier last year before Shea Stadium was torn down and the Mets moved to Shitty, er, City Field.

Reader mail:

S.B. of uptight upstate New York writes “Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Santino. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Barzini all along.”

Um.  Okay.

D.B. of Mt. Holly New Jersey writes “I have no corporeal form.  I have evolved beyond it.”

You’re still going to have to pay your taxes so what is the point?

Clement of Rome writes “The height into which love leads is ineffable.”

Goddamn hippie.

Thomas Aquinas writes (and I thought I banned him yesterday…but I guess not):

“The fitness of human life requires man to stand by woman after the sexual act is done.”

Unless it’s Saturday night of course.

Anyway the Yankees have gone 13-2 at games I have attended this year (including one in Chicago at U.S. Cellular Field).

See you at the Playoffs.  Go Yankees!

On Sunday the Yankees clinched the American League East with a victory over the hated Red Sox.  (And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.)

The Yankees have clinched the A.L. East and home field advantage throughout the playoffs essentially making the last 6 games of the year about as meaningful as my eHarmony subscription (really, what is the point anymore.)

Would the Yankees field their “A” team or their “B” team.  When the lineup was announced it became clear.  They were fielding their “C” team.  No Teixeira.  No Jeter.  No AROD.  No Matsui.  No Swisher.  No Damon.  The infield consisted of Juan “No future with Yankees” Miranda at 1st base, Ramiro Pena at Shortstop, Eric “Will be with another team next year” Hinske at 3rd base.  Only Robinson Cano of the regulars started.  The outfield consisted of Melky Cabrera in Left Field, Brett Gardner in Center Field and Shelly “Career minor leaguer” Duncan in Right Field.  Of course, being that they were playing the Kansas City Royals they could have thrown out deaf dumb and blind pinball players and still won.

But first, given that this is the Summer that New York and Seattle traded climates a two-hour rain delay was called for.  This wasn’t my only rain delay of the year.  I sat through a 2 1/2 rain delay against Boston in May.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1.  Take out your penis and invite attractive young female fans to “stroke it for good luck.“  (Note:  I’ve been informed that this is illegal and might lead to an arrest……..just another example of our precious freedoms being destroyed by a nanny-state government.)

2.  Ask people if they want to buy your DVD copy of “A Hard Day’s Night” autographed by Mickey Dolenz and Mike Nesmith.

3.  Run up and down the concourse screaming “Has anyone seen Maureen?  Has anyone seen Maureen?  For the love of Christ has anyone seen Maureen?” Do this until Yankee Stadium Security crushes your testicles.

4.  Tell a 5-year old child attending his first baseball game that it is raining because “God hates you.”

Onto the game.

The Yankees started Chad Gaudin who has pitched impressively for the Yankees.   He held the Royals to 2 runs and 4 hits while striking out 5 over 6 2/3 innings.  It was a scoreless tie until the bottom of the 4th when Eric Hinske singled home Robinson Cano. 1-0 Yankees after 4.  The Royals tied it in the top of the 5th off a home run by Mark Teahen.  1-1 after 4 1/2 innings.  The Yankees regained the lead in the bottom of the 5th when Ramiro Pena connected for his first Major League Home Run.  Ironically before he hit the home run the statistic “Ramiro Pena was voted best defensive player in the minors” flashed on the screen.  Usually this statistic means “No future in the Majors.”  I think Pena saw it was got angry.  Hence the home run.  2 -1 Yankees after 5.

Gaudin got into a bit of trouble in the 6th.  After a Mitch Maier strikeout Yuniesky Betancourt doubled.  Billy Butler followed with another double and Mark Jacobs hit a sacrifice fly sending Betancourt home.   2 -2 after 5 1/2.

The Yankees regained the lead for good in the bottom of the 6th as Jorge “Angry Spanish man” Posada doubled, went to 3rd on a fielder’s choice and scored on Shelly Duncan’s single.    3-2 Yankees after 6.  In the bottom of the 7th the Yankees blew it open scoring 5 runs (4 of them on a grand slam by Robinson Cano.) Alfredo Aceves pitched two innings of no-hit ball in relief for the Yanks.  Final score Yankees 8 Royals 2.

Notes on the game:

The bathrooms in the 100 level of seats have privacy dividers between the urinals and motion-activated soap dispensers and sinks. This is luxury!  No word on whether they also have attendants hold your penis while you take out your snuff box and snort away while you say things like “Lovey let’s take a cruise this weekend on our yacht.”  I’ve heard rich people sometimes do that.

Crack at 12 o’clock - The woman sitting in front of me insisted on burying her head in her boyfriend’s lap the entire game.  This resulted in her shirt riding up exposing her pink panties as well as her butt crack.  Seeing as how I was eating peanuts at the time I was tempted to see if I could throw the shell into her butt crack.  But I refrained.  Why?  Because I’m a good person.  That’s what everybody says.  And not just out of fear because they sense the spree killer inside of me waiting to break free.

Recommended reading material:   Tin Horns and Calico, a Decisive Episode in the Emergence of Democracy by Henry Christman.

Reader mail:

Rick the stick writes “I feel something growing on my shoulder.  Friends tell me it’s an eye.  I’ve heard of this happening but only in that bad movie with Rosie Greer and Ray Milland.  I don’t want an eye growing on my shoulder.  Should I be worried?”

And I thought you were a Yankee fan.  True Yankee fans accept any hardship and pay any price (well, except for the $2500 dollar seats.)

Jimmy the Hat writes “I told my fried Rick the Stick that he has an eye growing on his shoulder when it’s really just a pimple.  What can I say.  I’m evil and love playing with the guy.”

Next time tell him it’s a Borg Cube.  If he recognizes the reference then he’s a nerd.  And who wants to be friends with a nerd.

Thomas Aquinas writes “The emission of semen then ought to be so directed as that both the proper generation may ensue and the education of offspring be secured.”

Tom,  your banned from these pages.

John Paul II writes “It was on the basis of a naturalistic understanding of the sexual act that - “

Stop right there.  People!  Please!  Confine your comments to baseball.

Kanye West writes “Yo Manhattan Infidel I’m happy for you and Imma let you finish but Beyonce has the best blog ever.”

Sigh.  Baseball.  Please.

Maureen of California writes “I see me!  I see me!  And what is that growing on Rick the Stick’s shoulder?”

Okay, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.

So my record this year at Yankee games stands at 12-2.  My next and final (regular) season game is Tuesday September 29th against the Kansas City “Thank god for the Washington Nationals.  Now maybe people won’t notice how much we suck” Royals.

Go Yankees.

It was learned today that the entire Mexican National Swim Team has drowned in the Rio Grande River.  Mexican President Felipe Calderon, in announcing the tragedy said “This is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the last Mexican Swim Team drowned in the Rio Grande, which in turn is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the Mexican Soccer Team drowned in the Rio Grande, which in turn is the worst calamity to befall Mexico since the previous Mexican Soccer team drowned in the Rio Grande.” President Calderon also announced that offices in the occupied territory of Northern California will remain closed in mourning.

The deaths have lead to protests throughout Mexico.  Chanting “No Justice.  No Peace.  One pie with pepperoni.  $17.95 please” thousands of Mexicans took to the streets demanding change.

“It is not fair that our finest citizens should drown every year” declared Mexican Opposition Leader Alejandro Encinas Rodriguez.  “We demand that the United States give us Michael Phelps and that he give us free swimming lessons.  If they do not do this we will burn every copy of every DVD with Salma Hayek in it.  This will bring the United States to its knees.”

In the United Nations, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called an emergency session and told reporters “This is typical of the aggressive actions of the United States.  By putting a water barrier between it and Mexico they are inviting the deaths of Mexicans.”

He also told the assembled reporters “I am not a Secretary General.  I am an Administrative Assistant General” before riding off on his tricycle.

From Washington President Obama pledged to do all in his power to rectify the situation.  Calling the Rio Grande “an evil and polluted river” he said he will pour concrete into the entire length of the river and then top the concrete with astroturf.  “I envision a 1800 mile long pedestrian mall.  What better way to promote peace between our two warring countries?  No Mexican will ever again have to drown in that accursed river.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had no comment on President Obama’s plan though he did note that $17.95 for a pepperoni pizza did seem a “little pricey - $12.95 is more reasonable” and announced that he would hold hearings on the subject.

“$12.95 or fight!  This will be our rallying cry in 2010.”

New York University today announced its complete Spring curriculum, including several new controversial courses.  John Sexton, President of NYU when announcing the schedule said “We wish to emphasize the diversity, forward thinking milieu and commitment to progress that has always been our specialty.”

First among the new offerings is “Gender Bias in the New Testament”, a no-holds barred deconstruction of the four Gospels.

“We were shocked upon reading these so-called histories to discover that Jesus was repeatedly portrayed as a male” said Sexton.  The course will show that Jesus was actually a differentially abled black lesbian with a bipolar disorder and restless leg syndrome and that historic portrayals of Jesus as a male are due to “Greek hatred of the vagina.”

A new course entitled “Neanderthal Extinction:  Natural Selection or Genocide” stresses the theory that Neanderthals were eliminated not from natural causes but instead from a coordinated policy of blonde haired blue eyed Cro-magnons from Northern Europe seeking to eliminate a darker race.  Students taking this course are also advised to take “The White Man:  Is He Really Necessary?”

Climate change will also be studied.  A course entitled “The Ice Age:  Republican Plot?” will discuss new evidence that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney traveled back in time to change the Earth’s climate in an attempt to keep Mexicans from entering the United States.

In addition a new Department of Porn has been created eliminating the old Law and History Departments.  “We found the Law and History courses to be biased and Eurocentric” said Sexton.  The Department of Porn will feature courses on “sexual diversity”, “sexual diversity in groups” and “sexual diversity with toys.”

The Athletic Department has also been eliminated.  “Frankly we fear the effect of men exercising their bodies and making themselves stronger.  We found that they used this as an opportunity to engage in competitive sports.  Isn’t there enough male-centic value judgment in the world already?”

New courses focusing on politics are also offered.  “Founding Fathers in White Face” will focus on the racial identity of Washington, Madison, Jefferson et al.  “All evidence indicates that they were black men” says Sexton.

Sexton also announced that starting in 2011 a new “Department of Socialism” will be created focusing on ways to eliminate the scourge of Capitalism and the struggle for profit.

He then asked all alumni to be generous in their donations.

The recent U.N. General Assembly meeting attracted many world leaders to the tiny island of Manhattan including Muammar al-Gaddafi,  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and President Barack Obama.  Topics of concern to the U.N. included a debate on who was the better Darrin on “Bewitched”, why the Mets suck, how come hand dryers never get your hands dry and Global Warming.

The session opened with preliminary infighting as several Eastern African nations walked out when they insisted that Dick Sargent was the better Darrin.  After a demonstration of “green” hand dryers (powered by ethanol) the debate got to the crisis of Global Warming.  All nations agreed that Global Warming was a bad thing.

“We must stop this global warming.  I say eliminate all cars” said Jorge Valerio Briceno, Venezuelan Ambassador to the U.N.  He then left the Assembly and was driven away in his SUV, but not before he was surrounded by confused New York Yankee fans who heard that a Spanish man named Jorge was in the neighborhood.

The U.N. then passed a nonbinding resolution asking for all cars in the world to be eliminated by 2013.  They then blamed the existence of cars on “Zionists and Taylor Swift.”

Unfortunately for Manhattan, the hundreds of idling SUVs registered to U.N. diplomats outside the General Assembly led to a massive increase in greenhouse gases. A foul-smelling blackish fog blanketed the east side.  Said one resident, “I haven’t smelled anything so bad since the last time I drove through New Jersey.”

Corrosive acid rain fell down upon the city burning holes through metal and causing a power outage.  The temperature rose to an incredible 155 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest recorded temperature in Manhattan since the last Beyonce concert.  People ran screaming for shelter.  Many were melted on the spot by the killer acid rain and high temperatures.  Local newscaster Ernie Anastos declared “It’s too damn hot to even f$#& a chicken!”

The combination of high temperatures and corrosive acid rain made the east side of Manhattan from 14th to 86th street dissolve into the East River.  Frightened east side residents having to choose between moving to the west side and certain death chose certain death.

The death toll from today’s U.N. meeting could climb into the hundreds of thousands.  Mayor-for-life Michael Bloomberg, hoping to make the best of a bad situation happily announced that “Central Park, the greatest park in the greatest city now has beachfront views.”

Strangely the U.N. building was not affected by today’s catastrophe.  U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the U.N.’s survival was attributable to its “superior moral authority.”

The fallout from local New York City anchor Ernie Anastos’ on air comment to “Keep f*&%^&g that chicken” continues.   What started as a seemingly harmless on air expletive (see below) has morphed into an incident that has left New York City in chaos.

Keep F*^&#*% That Chicken:

Thousands of enraged chickens marched up 6th Avenue to the Headquarters of the local Fox affiliate.  Carrying banners that proclaimed “Keep your human hands off my body”, “No Justice No Peace”,  “Would America tolerate this kind of behavior towards turkeys?” and “I am chicken hear me roar” they stopped traffic, pecked at anyone they could find and stormed into Fox’ Headquarters overpowering security.

The NYPD blocked off 6th avenue and attempted to round up the enraged chickens.  “It was no use” said one officer. “We tried to handcuff them but where?  The handcuffs kept falling off the chickens’ feet.”

One civilian who was attempting to hail a cab was attacked by the chickens who pecked at him until he collapsed.  They then dragged him into the subway as he screamed “Help!  They’re pecking me to death.  I thought the only one who could henpeck me was my wife!”  His body was discovered later with multiple peck wounds.

The chickens spread throughout the building attacking targets of opportunity.  911 operators were overwhelmed with calls such as this heartbreaking one from an executive trapped by chickens on the 20th floor:  “Please…please send help.  I have the door barricaded.  The chickens have already pecked my coworkers to death.  I just want to go home to my family….oh God they’ve pecked through the door!’

NYPD SWAT teams were able to restore order by distracting the chickens with chicken feed brought in from the suburbs.  “Once we had the chickens fed they became docile and content. We rounded them up and gave them to Animal Welfare.”

While all this was going on a small contingent of chickens were protesting the protestors.  Calling themselves the “North American Man Chicken Love Association” they spoke to reporters.  Said one chicken, “I’ve been with many humans, and not just actors.  I’ve found them to be very generous lovers.  But some people just cannot accept the reality of interspecies love.”

There was no comment from Ernie Anastos.  President Obama who was in town to appear on the David Letterman Show promised a full investigation of chicken grievances and then on behalf of all Americans apologized to the chickens.

Editors note:  My friends often ask me (well, okay I have no friends)……so I get emails (okay, I get no emails…well, I do get emails but they are usually of the ‘last notice before foreclosure’ or ’stay away from my daughter’ variety)….anyway, sometimes when I do not take my medication the voices in my head talk to me.  And they ask me, “Manhattan Infidel you often satirize Democrats.  Why not Republicans?”  Well, that is a valid point.  Wishing to be an equal opportunity satirist I  now present the Republican party’s new slogan.

Announcing the new slogan Committee Chairman Michael Steele said “We didn’t feel we needed a slogan since our principles are well known but then the Democrats announced a new slogan.  We felt left out.  Alone.  We were at the dance but no one wanted to dance with us.  We were wallflowers.  But recently we found that ‘compassionate conservatism’ made us more  popular.  People started to like us.  And it hit me.  That would be a perfect slogan.  And so I am proud to announce that the slogan ‘You like me.  You really like me’ will be the face of the Republican party in the future.”

The competition was intense and many slogans were rejected.  As a public service I, Manhattan Infidel, am proud to present the runner up slogans:

10.  Republicans:  Angry white men with short haircuts.  Give us guitars and we’d be a punk band.

9.  We like debt too!

8.  If I vote for your entitlement program will you ask me out?

7.  What you talking about Willis?

6.  The Democrats are being mean to me.

5.  We do sex scandal too!

4.  A&E canceling ‘The Beast’ was not our fault!

3.  Small government works best except when we are in power.

2.  We like black people.  It’s Macedonians we hate.

1.  We disagree with Marvin the Martian’s plans to blow up the Earth and find it environmentally unfriendly.

In keeping with the new fad of announcing party slogans it is rumored that the Libertarian Party will announce a new slogan, “Vote for us.  Someone has to”  sometime in October.

Once again The Manhattan Infidel has expanded the scope of his site to better serve his readers.  I now present your Daily Horoscope:

Aries (March 21st - April 19th)

You will be discovered pleasuring yourself to downloaded pictures of Rue McClanahan.  Mortified, embarrassed and filled with self-loathing and shame you will enter rehab.  In rehab you will be stabbed by a fellow addict.

Taurus (April 20th - May 20th)

While hiking in the wilderness you will be taken captive by a family of banjo-playing mountain people.  They will admire your “purdy” mouth and do shameful things to you.  Strangely, you will enjoy it.

Gemini  (May 21st - June 20th)

Your love for strippers will finally overcome your internal censor as you blow your life savings on lap dances.  When you run out of your money you will raid the petty cash fund at work to pay for your addiction.  When your employer finds out they will promote you since stealing company cash for lap dancers is accepted behavior.

Cancer  (June 21st -July 22nd)

You will finally live up to your friends expectations as you go on a nation-wide killing spree that will shock even hardened homicide investigators.  Your lucky numbers are 3 and 7.

Leo (July 23rd - August 22)

Overcome with the knowledge of your own failings you will pull your car over and begin weeping.  As you are weeping you will be abducted by aliens and probed.  You will be discovered a week later wandering in a cornfield.  Ashamed of your treatment at the hands of the aliens you will make up a story about being holed up in a seedy motel room having “guilt-free nasty sex” with Rue McClanahan.  An Aries will punch you.

Virgo (August 23rd - September 22nd)

The least relevant of signs you will be ignored by everybody.  In a desperate attempt to gain attention you will discover your fondness for high-powered rifles and observation towers.  Former Olympian Bruce Jenner will play you in the TV movie.

Libra (September 23rd - October 22nd)

You will post nude photos of yourself on your Facebook page.  No one will notice. Chagrined by this you will take to drinking heavily and have no explanation for police when they ask you about the skulls in the back of your refrigerator.

Scorpio (October 23rd - November 21)

You will inadvertently trigger the apocalypse resulting in the deaths of 3 billion people and a nuclear winter that will last for decades.  Always the optimist you notice that your season tickets to the Yankees are now a lot cheaper.

Sagittarius (November 22nd - December 21st)

Your significant other will leave you for a younger lover.  You will lose your job.  Your 401K will tank.  You will be diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Yet you will not cry until you find out that pints have gone up to $7 at your local pub.  You will shoot the bartender.  Former Olympian Bruce Jenner will play you in the TV movie.

Capricorn (December 22nd - January 19th)

The most level-headed and noble of astrological signs your life will be turned upside down when you are stalked by Rue McClanahan.  Hiding out in a seedy motel room she will find you and force herself upon you.  Neighbors hearing your cries will call the police who will rescue you.  An Aries will punch you.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18th)

You will grow gills enabling you to breathe underwater. Human society will shun you.  Enraged at their blatant prejudice you vow to spend the rest of your life under the sea with your friends the peace loving fish.  Soon after diving into the sea a shark will eat you.

Pisces (February 19th - March 20th)

Your date will become increasingly alarmed by your personality quirks such as your room full of Betty Boop collectibles and Clara Bow posters.  You will attempt to mollify her by declaring “Hey, it’s not like I’m pleasuring myself to pictures of Rue McClanahan.”  You will punch an Aries.

It has stood for two millenium.  Now in ruins, a fragment of its former glory, Hadrian’s Wall on the northern border of England  is going to be rebuilt.

“We realized we were sitting on a tourism goldmine.  Everyone wants to see the wall, such as it exists now.  So why not bring it back to the way it looked 2000 years ago and bring in even more people to see it” said Christopher Rodrigues, Chairman of VisitBritain.  “I don’t need to tell you that with today’s economy anything we can do to bring in money is most welcome.  And if we rebuild the wall obviously there will be the extra benefit of keeping out the Scottish.”

Upon hearing the news that England will be rebuilding the wall, the Scottish Parliament held an emergency session. The Presiding Officer of the Parliament, Alex Fergusson, MSP told the assembled members that “anything England can do Scotland can do better” and announced plans to build an even bigger wall around the entire border of Scotland.

“The English think they’re so clever.  Going to build a wall are they?  Well, we’ll see about that.  We are going to build the biggest wall the world has ever seen.  It’ll surround our entire country.  When we are finished I dare any Scottish person to try to get in.”

The desire to build a wall to keep out the Scottish has become something of an international fad with Argentina, Albania, Italy, The Maldive Islands, Finland, Estonia, Canada, India, Australia, Greenland, Venezuela,  France, Germany, Ireland and Russia all announcing plans to build their own wall.  China declined to join the fad stating “We already have a wall and its been quite effective at keeping out the Scottish.”

From Dublin, Bono announced that a benefit single entitled “We Are the World Keeping Out the Scottish”  has been recorded with all proceeds going to the International Build a Wall to Keep Out the Scottish Fund.

The video to the single was released showing Bono, Bruce Springsteen, Lionel Ritchie, Billy Joel, Cindy Lauper and Kanye West singing the lyrics:

“We are the world/We are the children/We are the ones making a brighter day by keeping out the Scottish/It’s a choice we’re making/We’re saving our own lives/It’s true we’ll make a better day just you and me and no Scottish”

A Public Service Announcement has been filmed with Kanye West promoting the single:

“George Bush doesn’t care about the Scottish.  And neither do I.  Buy the single.  Let’s build a wall.”

England plans to have Hadrian’s Wall rebuilt in time for the 2010 Summer tourist season.

Today I was lucky enough to sit down with former President Jimmy Carter and discuss a number of topics, including racism in America.

I began by asking President Carter if he believed that Joe Wilson’s outburst was racially motivated.

“Definitely” he replied.  “I think it’s based on racism.  There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be President.”

I then asked him if because President Obama had a white mother, white people who oppose him on racial grounds hate themselves.

“What kind of nonsense is that?  Don’t try to confuse me with your big city ways.  Are you a Jew?  You’re a racist Jew who believes in the apartheid of the Palestinian peoples.  Aren’t you?”

I assured him I wasn’t and, slightly taken aback by his comments, shifted the conversation back to racism in America.  I asked him if he had any other examples of racism he would like to discuss.  He indicated that he did and pointed to the television.

“Look at that (Tom and Jerry) cartoon.  It’s racist.  Racist!  That mouse Jerry is trying to hurt Tom because he can’t accept the fact that a strong, independent cat of color wants to live in his neighborhood. Blue is beautiful baby!  That mouse is a Jew.  I know it!   And why are black holes in space called black holes?  Racism by white scientists.  America wants me to shut up.  They don’t want to hear what I have to say because I’m a black man.”

I was dumbfounded by his assertion and sat there silently unable to think of a follow up question.  The awkward silence was broken by President Carter’s nurse.

“Let’s go Mr. President.  Time to take your pills.”   She turned to me and apologized.  “He has his good days and his bad days.  If I don’t give him his pills he tends to forget things.”

His nurse once again gently tried to get President Carter to take his pills.  “Come on Mr. President.”

President Carter took his glass of water and gulped his pills.  “Mr. President?  I’m President?  It’s about time.  Have you ever seen a President naked young lady?”

“Every morning when I catheterize you” she replied.

I watched as they turned the corner as she wheeled him back to his room.  My last vision of President Carter was of him shouting “That mouse Jerry was a cracker.  A cracker Jew!”

I closed my notebook and made a mental note:  “And I thought Kanye West was crazy.”