Manhattan Infidel

Long-time employee of the Department of Agriculture Smokey the Bear was arrested today by the FBI and charged with setting a string of forest fires throughout the United States.

“We got him.  We finally got him” declared FBI Director Robert Mueller.

Today’s arrest marks the final downfall for the once popular anti-forest fire spokesman.  Hired by the Department of Agriculture after graduating college Smokey quickly became popular for his vigilance in detecting and preventing forest fires.  He starred in a series of commercials and his “Remember only you can prevent forest fires”  became a well-known slogan to generations of school children.  Smokey would make appearances at schools throughout the United States and give lectures to children on the importance of safety.  “Smokey had two loves.  Preventing forest fires and children” said a fellow employee at the Department of Agriculture.

But Smokey had a dark side.  A lifelong bachelor Smokey was notorious for never wearing a shirt.

“We thought this was a little strange, especially when he would ask schoolkids if anyone wanted to ‘touch Smokey’ but we just chalked it up to a character quirk.”

As he became older parents would not let their children around him.   “This hurt Smokey a lot.  He felt he had gone out of his way to adapt to the culture of young people, even going as far as piercing his right ear,  wearing bell bottoms and singing ‘YMCA’ at personal appearances.”

Eventually because of parent’s complaints Smokey was relieved of his duties and given a desk job.   This may have been the the final straw that broke Smokey’s back.  Shortly after his demotion he would disappear for days at a time.  During these absences forest fires would break out at locations in the U.S.

“We didn’t want to think it might be Smokey.  The guy only had a few years to go to get his pension.”

Eventually the suspicions became too much to ignore and the FBI was brought in to investigate and arrested him in the act of starting a forest fire in Southern California.

“He broke down when we arrested him and begged us to shoot him” said the agent in charge of the investigation.  “He wet his pants and kept screaming that his life was a sham.”  After his arrest agents searched his home and found literature on his website (www.noshirtsmokey.com) on the best accelerants to use when starting fires.

Smokey is currently being held on $500,000 bail.  His lawyer claims his client was not responsible for his actions and acted under a “mental cloud.”

In perhaps the nadir of an already disappointing season, the New York Mets were defeated by the Vatican today.

The Vatican was able to hold the Mets to 1 run and 3 hits thanks to a stellar performance by Vatican starting pitcher Anthony Cardinal Bevilaqua and a solid relief outing  by Edward Cardinal Egan.

Coming into the game there was much bad blood between the teams.  Those tensions were exacerbated when Bevilaqua beaned  David Wright, a beaning that resulted in a concussion and a trip to the hospital.  As Wright lay on the ground Bevilaqua made a choking symbol and called Wright a “pretty boy pussy.”  Both benches cleared and a nasty brawl ensued.  During the brawl Luis Castillo brought a bat out onto the field and swung at Bevilaqua screaming “You killed my brother you cossack bastard!” Order was restored and both Castillo and Bevilaqua were thrown out of the game.

Edward Egan came into the game in relief for the Vatican and held them hitless for 3 innings.

After the game Mets manager Jerry Manuel expressed disappointment over the trash talking from the Vatican.  “I mean, I expected this from the Phillies but not the Vatican.”

Vatican manager Pope Benedict XVI told reporters that the beaning of Wright was accidental and said that Bevilaqua was not making a choking symbol but was blessing David Wright.  “Bevy was simply concerned for Wright’s well being.”   He was then asked about Castillo storming the mound with a baseball bat.  “Well, Bevy did order the death of Castillo’s brother…..but he was a heretic anyway and deserved to be burned at the stake.”   When asked by reporters a follow up question about the beaning Benedict lost his temper and told reporters to “go f*&# themselves” before storming out of the interview room.

For his part Jerry Manuel expressed relief that they would not have to face the Vatican again this season.

“I thought the Washington Nationals were tough, but at least the Nationals didn’t tell my hitters that they were sinners who were all going to Hell.  There is no room for that sort of trash talk in the Majors.”

Adding insult to injury as David Wright lay in a hospital room he was excommunicated by Pope Benedict.

“Well that sucks” said Wright.  “And I though the Nationals were tough!”

When  Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted out “you lie” during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress many were shocked at the breach of protocol.  What many do not know is that heckling of the President is a long and time-honored American tradition dating back to George Washington.

In fact heckling predates the Presidency.  Ben Franklin, after telling a citizen in Philadelphia that they have given them a “Republic if you can keep it” was heckled with “You suck…..how’s the V.D.?”   A visibly upset Franklin told an associate “What do you expect.  It’s Philadelphia.  I bet they’d even boo Santa Claus.”

The first recorded Presidential heckle occurred during Washington’s first inaugural  address.  When Washington started his address with “Among the vicissitudes incident to life no event could have filled me with greater anxieties than that of which the notification was transmitted by your order, and received on the 14th day of the present month…”  he was greeted with the shout of “I slept with Martha” from an anonymous citizen.

When Thomas Jefferson was delivering his inaugural address and stated that “We are all Republicans; We are all Federalists”  a man in the crowd, presumably a Federalist, shouted “Yeah, well at least Federalists don’t sleep with our slaves!”

Abraham Lincoln, giving his famous Gettysburg Address was stopped cold by a soldier watching his speech who shouted out “Honest Abe?  I don’t think so.  How can a politician from Illinois be honest?” Lincoln was reportedly so incensed by this that he challenged the heckler to a fight and beat him unconscious with his stovepipe top hat.

Teddy Roosevelt while campaigning for President in 1912  was repeatedly heckled by a man who made a pun on Roosevelt’s association with the Rough Riders.

“What are you?  A condom?” the heckler taunted him before shooting him.

When Franklin Roosevelt said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” the first recorded “mass heckle” was born as hundreds in the crowd shouted “You’ve never met my mother-in-law.”

Perhaps the most famous Presidential heckle occurred during the Monica Lewinsky scandal when President Clinton declared that he “did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Did she at least inhale?” responded a heckler.

And so it seems that heckling the President appears to be an American institution.  An institution that will continue for a long time.

Speaking from downtown Manhattan, President Obama declared that September 11th will now be known as “National Apology Day.”

“What happened to the World on September 11, 2001 was unfortunate.  The Muslim world was thrown into war.  A war they did not start.  But now we have it in our power to end it.”

The ceremony started with schoolchildren from California who sang a song praising President Obama.  After the children were finished the former Muslim Chaplain of the FDNY said a prayer where he asked for Allah to bring down fire upon the enemies of Islam in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Then, finally, President Obama took the podium.

“Before the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled explosions orchestrated by my predecessor many officeworkers in these buildings were forced to jump to their deaths.  On their way down they might have asked themselves ‘Why me?.’  Well, their deaths you might say served a greater purpose.  It opened the eyes of America. 

“Too often the United States has been insular, arrogant and unconcerned with the rest of the World.  We have not appreciated how our arrogance and our actions have angered people.  September 11th was a wake up call for America.  The past 8 years have been difficult ones for us as the previous administration used the incidents of that day to wage wars of aggression upon the peace-loving Muslim World.  But all that is ended now.  I hereby announce that the new tower that will rise here will be known as the ‘Crescent Tower.’

“By naming this building the Crescent Tower I hope to remind America of the many contributions of Islam to American society.  Indeed, our Declaration of Independence, our Constitution and our Bill of Rights are based on Islamic models of jurisprudence.  The role of women in American society has greatly benefited by Muslim example.

“In addition to giving this tower a name, I am also declaring that henceforth September 11th will be known as ‘National Apology Day.’  On National Apology Day I urge all Americans to spend a few moments on their knees facing Mecca while with deep humility we ask the Muslim world to forgive us our sins.”

President Obama then invited the assembled schoolchildren to join him on his knees as he lead them in humble prayer.  The Great One’s lips moved in silent prayer, a moving example for America to emulate.

When the prayer was finished President Obama went back to the podium and said “Before I leave I’d just like to say one more thing.  I want everyone here to ask their congressmen to support my efforts to reform health care.  The Muslim world enjoys public mandatory health insurance and we can learn from their example.”

He then blessed the children before departing on the Presidential helicopter.

The first annual Depression Olympics has been postponed after hitting repeated snags.  The opening ceremonies were supposed to start at 9 A.M. with depressed athletes from around the globe marching into the Coliseum in Los Angeles.  However, the ceremonies started an hour late with only half the scheduled athletes marching.

“We tried to round up as many as we could.  We made calls, knocked on doors.   Many of the depressed athletes told us they just couldn’t muster the energy to go to the opening ceremonies” says the Director of the Depressed Olympics. Those who did march seemed halfhearted about it with many not even dressed in the uniform of their country. Banners were not waived but trailed on the ground.  The athletes ignored instructions.   “What’s the damn point” said one athlete.

The first event, the 100 meter dash was won by Joe Murphy of the United States with a record slow time of 38 seconds.  He was the only one who finished the event as three others on the starting line didn’t even bother to run and the fourth walked halfway before stopping.  Commenting on his slow time Murphy said, “Yeah, I suppose I could have run faster.  I don’t really care.  You got anything to eat?”

The 400 meter dash had to be canceled when no one showed up.   A quick trip to the locker room found the athletes who were supposed to compete lying on couches and staring at the ceiling.  “Was that our event?” one said.  “I don’t feel like getting up.  I’m so tired.  This used to be a lot more fun when I was younger.”

After the 400 meter dash the rest of the events for the day were canceled as organizers tried to round up missing athletes. A quick check of nearby bars found many of the athletes.  Despite repeated pleas they were not convinced to return.

“I shouldn’t be drinking.  I’ve wasted my entire life.  I just can’t concentrate on the stuff I should be doing.  Maybe it’s because I can’t get a good night’s sleep.  I don’t know.  I’m just lazy that’s what I am.  I don’t even make love to my wife anymore” said one athlete.

The organizers of the Depressed Olympics say that they have learned from their mistakes and that next year they plan to totally revamp the olympics.

“We’ve decided to get rid of track and field events and have competitions that are organic to depression such as a ‘lying on the couch staring at the ceiling’ contest, a ‘crying jag’ contest and an ‘ignoring loved ones while spending hours downloading porn’ contest.  We are excited about these changes and predict big things for next year.”

Cymbalta has signed on as the sponsor for next year’s Olympics.

President Obama today gave his much heralded talk to schoolchildren across the United States.  Obama started by thanking the children of America for giving him the opportunity to talk to them and reminisced about his days as a child.

“I know for many of you this is your first day of school.  There are many adjustments to make. I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you.  I want to tell all you children to work hard.  Stay in school.  Get good grades.  I also want to stress how important it is to eat your vegetables.  I know many of you do not like vegetables but you  need to eat them so you will grow up healthy and strong.

“But foremost I want to take this opportunity to talk to you about the greatest threat facing America today - Zombie inundation.  For years zombies have been infiltrating American society.  Look around you.  Your parents are probably zombies.  Many of your teachers are zombies.

“Now  how can one tell if you are dealing with a zombie?  Pay close attention to the subtle signals:  Do they move in a slow awkward manner?  Are their eyes clouded over?  Does their language consist only of gutteral sounds?  Do they smell slightly of rotting flesh?  Check their hands for half-eaten body parts or brain matter.  Is blood dripping from their mouth?  If they have any or all of these symptoms then you are looking at a zombie.  Now don’t be alarmed schoolchildren of America.  You are not a zombie.  The zombie virus has a long gestation period.  Children seem to be immune.  So chances are if you are under the age of 18 you are not a zombie.

“Now, how do you kill a zombie?  Many of you probably would use a gun.  While guns are effective they have to be reloaded.  And when you reload you are vulnerable and give a zombie a chance to attack.  I prefer a machete.  Use short, chopping motions to sever the zombie’s head.  Once the zombie loses his head he is dead and the threat is over.  Let me show you.  It has come to my attention that my Vice President Joe Biden is a zombie.”

At this point in the speech President Obama brought in Vice President Biden and hacked his head off.

“One more thing.  When you are hacking off a zombie’s head try not to get any zombie blood on you, as that is a possible mode of infection  To recap.  Stay in school.  Work hard.  Get good grades.  Eat your vegetables.  Kill zombies.  Thank you and good day.”

As expected, President Obama’s speech proved controversial.  Many parents and educators were particularly upset about the extended talk about zombies.

“It’s hard enough trying to teach without my students coming at me with machetes” complained one educator.  Parents talked about how difficult it was to get their children to go to bed.  “Now my son has barred his door.  He says he’s going to chop my head off first chance he gets.  I knew once he signed up on Facebook it meant trouble.”

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed criticism of the speech on the the “Pro-Zombie” element of the Republican Party.  He then tried to eat the flesh of several reporters.

Today, September 7th Derek Jeter stood 4 hits away from passing the Iron Horse Lou Gehrig for the most hits in Yankee history.  A record that has stood for  70 years.   I brought my camera to the game to take part in history.

Jeter went 0 -3.

He did this to spite me.

However, AROD went 3-3.  In fact it looked like he would be the only Yankee offense for awhile.

Final score:  Yankees 4 Tampa Bay 1.

Today was labor day.  And what better way to spend a holiday than at a Yankee game?  Would Jeter pass Gehrig for most  hits?  Would I choose to be a servant of our President as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher demand?  Ummm…..No.  I think 1776 settled that question.

But I digress. On to the game.

The Yankees started their ace CC Sabathia while Tampa Bay started the tough Matt Garza.   Garza has one 1 win in his last 11 starts.  A fast fading Tampa  Bay could not help him,  losing their 5th in a row.  Adding insult to injury Tampa Bay slugger Carlos Pena was lost for the rest of the season when he broke two fingers in his left hand swinging on a pitch in the first.  Because he swung, he didn’t even get first base.

The Yankees went ahead 1-0 in the bottom of the first when Mark Teixeira made first on an error by  Tampa shortstop Jason Bartlett.  AROD then hit a double driving Teixeira  home.  1-0 Yankees After 1.

Tampa Bay tied it in the top of the 2nd when Evan Longoria hit a home run.  1 -1 after 2.

And so the pitcher’s duel stayed until the bottom of the 8th.  With Lance Cormier in relief for Tampa Bay Nick Swisher led off with a walk.  Mark Teixeira doubled.  An intentional walk to AROD left the bases loaded with no out.  Robinson Cano hit a sacrifice fly to center field scoring  Nick Swisher.  2 -1 Yankees.  Jorge Posada then singled in Mark Teixeira.  3. - 1 Yankees. Eric Hinske then hit a sacrifice fly to right field scoring  AROD.  4 -1 Yankees.

And that turned out to be the final score as Phil Hughes and Mariano Rivera pitched scoreless 8th and 9th innings.

Notes on the game:

Worst,  most annoying chant in the history of Major League Baseball:  “Hip Hip Jorge”  whenever Jorge Posada comes to the plate.  Not only does Jorge hate it, not only do all fans in Yankee Stadium hate it, but rumor has it that Satan will send anyone chanting this to the lowest rung of Hell.  Can’t say I blame him.

Despite being a matinee game on a holiday the Stadium felt flat today, as flat as Whitney Houston’s voice on her recent comeback concert.  Even the Tampa Bay right fielder, Gabe “Welcome Back” Kapler was spared the wit of the bleacher creatures.

Best heckle:  As I said the crowd was flat.  So  I had to manufacture a heckle.  I tried, but my provocative heckle of “Capital should own labor” just drew puzzled expressions.

Recommended reading material:  The Congressional Globe, 36th Congress 2nd Session.  Pay particular attention to the speech of Virginia Democratic representative Daniel Coleman DeJarnette on February 16th.

Yes, I am a nerd.

Reader mail:

M.W. of California writes, “I killed a man today in cold blood.  Is this wrong?”

Murder is a subjective bourgeois term.  Was he wearing Red Sox colors?  If so the murder was justified.  If not, well, I won’t tell.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie New York writes “I too killed someone in cold blood today.”‘

Your point being?  Just make sure you get the money he owes you first.

D.B. of Mt. Holly writes, “Once again I wake up and am missing body parts.  I now have no arms, legs or torso.”

I blame the Mets.

S.B. of Webster NY writes “I killed a  man ……..oh, topic covered.  Sorry.”

Apology unnecessary.

L.K. of New Jersey writes “The Delaware Water Gap is a great place to dump bodies.  Just in case your readers need the info.”

I’m sure they already know.

Ro of beatiful southern California writes “Smoke!  Smoke!  Cough!  Smoke!”

Spoken like a person who murders men in cold blood.

I found out today that respected sports reporter Kim Jones is married.

I now officially have no reason to go on.  Life is a meaningless chaotic void.

So my record at Yankee games this year stands at 11 -2.  As I write this the Yankees have defeated Tampa Bay 11 - 1 in the 2nd game of the day/night doubleheader.  Boston lost today so the Yankees  now lead the Red Sox by  8 1/2 games.  The magic number to clinch the division stands at 17.  While hardly insurmountable (witness the 2007 Muts, er, Mets), I do feel confident.

My next (regular) season game is Monday, September 28th against the Kansas City Royals.

Go Yankees!

Fresh off the resignation of controversial “Green Jobs” Czar Van Jones President Obama has named the Jolly Green Giant as the new Green Jobs Czar.  It is clearly hoped by many in the Administration that the embarrassment caused by the Van Jones controversy will be put to rest and that the Jolly Green Giant will prove a popular new Czar.

Due to the size of the Jolly Green Giant the announcement was held in the White House Rose Garden.  President Obama hailed his long history of “being green” and his healthy vegetable diet.  “Mr. Giant will prove an asset to our Administration in many ways and I look forward to his input on how to make the United States more green.”  The Jolly Green Giant then thanked President Obama for his confidence and pledged to do all in his power to help him.

The announcement was marred when after the press conference the 50 foot giant accidentally stepped on and crushed a reporter from MSNBC.

It was politics as usual however as President Obama’s opponents pounced on the announcement and questioned the Jolly Green Giant’s credibility, citing a series of controversial statements he has made over the years.  A well-known giant activist, in 2004 the Jolly Green Giant called humans “a race of inferior little bugs I can crush with my bare hands.”  This was not the first time he had criticized the Human Race.  In 2003 while speaking at a community organizer rally in Minnesota he said that “all humans should be stepped on.”   Also, in 2001 he called the 9/11 attacks an inside job and blamed “Bush and the a–hole Republicans.”  He has also been quoted as saying that the green movement is an excuse for “white people to move the peoples of color back onto the plantation.”

There are also reports of irregularities in the Jolly Green Giant’s personal life.  He has been fined for public lewdness on many occasions.  A farmer in Iowa reports that once he saw the Jolly Green Giant “pleasuring himself” in the middle of  his field.   “C’mon.  I know he’s 50 feet tall and it must be tough finding a woman but I have kids.  They didn’t need to see that.  When I complained he said ‘You need some fertilizer farmer boy’ and crapped all over my fields.”  On another occasion he was found peering into a couple’s bedroom window watching them in their intimate moments.  “I like to watch” he told police later.  It is also rumored that he received the sobriquet “Jolly” because of his love of cannabis.

President Obama blamed opposition to his Green Jobs Czar on “right-wingers who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.”

In keeping with my new policy I am pleased to have the Honorable John Edwards, former Vice Presidential Candidate and Senator from North Carolina deliver a guest commentary.

“Thank you.  I am pleased that the Manhattan Infidel has given me this opportunity to speak to the American People.

“My fellow Americans.  We live in troubled times.  Everywhere I go I see evidence of two Americas:  The America of the fat cat and the America of the underprivileged who cannot afford to hire me as their attorney.  

“And this makes me angry.  As I look out the window of my mansion now I can see across the street poor unfortunate Americans in their poor unfortunate run down houses and I ask myself ‘How can this be tolerated in America?’  I have to close my curtains so I will not have to see them.  My fellow Americans we are not living up to our potential.  This is the land of opportunity.  A land where the immigrant can pull himself up and by dint of hard work know that his children’s lives will be better.  He may not be able to hire me to sue somebody but his children definitely will.

“Currently our country is embroiled in a lively debate over the merits of universal health care.  I am a firm supporter of our President and his desire to enact universal health care.  Over the years I have sued many many doctors.  Doctors who only cared about money and not the well-being of their patients.

“I have witnessed many Americans without health care struggle to pay their bills.  If they did have health care they would have more money and would be able to hire me.  It pains me when I see people I cannot sue.   Not being able to sue people fills me with great anxiety.  I would not have this anxiety if we had  universal health care.  This anxiety has forced me to go outside my family for comfort.  

“So call up your congressman or congresswoman and tell them to support the President’s plan.  Health insurance will make this a better country, reduce costs and work towards the mental health of all people.  Who knows.  If we only had health coverage for everybody I might not have been filled with free floating anxiety.  Health care might have prevented me from cheating on my dying wife.   Fortunately my mistress has great private health insurance.

“In closing let me just say that universal health care will vastly reduce costs.  It will vastly increase the savings of average Americans and it will vastly increase their ability to hire me to sue someone.

“I’d like to again thank the Manhattan Infidel for giving me this forum to address the American people.   And now that he has finally allowed me to use his blog to state my case I can drop my lawsuit against him.”

Yours Sincerely

John Edwards

The Manhattan Infidel would like to thank Mr. Edwards for dropping his lawsuit against me.

Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund who at 21 years of age was credited as the oldest dog in the world has passed away.  She died quietly at her human companion’s home in Long Island surrounded by loved ones and one very happy cat.

Recently Chanel had become depressed as old age cruelly stripped her of her dignity.

“Chanel would look up at me with those soulful eyes and I knew she was suffering.  Drugs would have helped her in her final days but my insurance doesn’t cover pets” declared her grief-stricken human companion.

“But there is a special bond between an animal and a human companion.  When she would put her paw in my hand I knew what she was saying.  She was saying ‘Please help the Democrats pass health care reform.  Don’t let the Republicans let me die.’ ”

The story of Chanel has touched heartstrings across the nation.  Hallmark has picked up the story and plans to run a TV movie about her in the Spring.

“This is just the warmhearted story that appeals to our viewers” said Hallmark President and Chief Executive Officer William J. Abbott.

The movie will follow her from a puppy to her later years and show the unconditional love she gave to her human companions.  In a casting coup, Sarah Jessica Parker has signed on to play Chanel.

“We chose Sarah because she is one of the world’s most famous actresses.  Also, since our budget is low we will be saving on makeup costs  with Sarah playing Chanel” said Abbott.  “We auditioned other actresses but none said ‘dog’ quite like Parker.”

“We are looking forward to the movie” said Abbott.  “It’ll be a historically accurate documentation of Chanel’s 21 years.”

The movie is scheduled to begin filming sometime after the New Year.

In more bold casting moves, Danny Devito will play Chanel as a puppy who escapes from an abusive Republican master. Josh Brolin has been signed on to play George W. Bush, who orders Chanel’s death in order to satisfy his own insatiable blood lust.