Manhattan Infidel

 A reading from the Gospel of Al Gore:

And it came to pass when Al Gore had finished that he said to his disciples “You know that after two days I will be delivered up to those who deny the scientific truth of global warming.”Now on the first day of the global warming conference in Copenhagen the disciples came to Al Gore and said, “Where dost thou want us to prepare for thee to eat a cheeseburger or two?”  But Al Gore saith “Go into the city, to a McDonald’s and say “Al Gore says My time is near at hand;  at this McDonald’s I am celebrating thy global warming conference.”

Then a reporter from Fox went to the those who deny global warming and saith to them, “What are you willing to give me for delivering him to you?” But they assigned him the carcass of a polar bear who drowneth in rising seas.  And from then on he sought an opportunity to betray him. 

Now when evening had arrived he reclined at the counter with his disciples including Leonardo DiCaprio.  And while they were eating he saith, “Amen I say to you, one of you will betray me.”  And being much saddened they began each to say, “Is it I, Mr. Gore?”  But he answered and saith “He who dips his hand into the ranch sauce for the Chicken McNuggets with me, he will betray me.”

And while they were at McDonald’s Al Gore took a McNugget and blessed and broke, and gave it to his disciples and said “Take and eat; this is my body.” And taking the Diet Coke he gave thanks and gave it to them, saying “All of you drink of this; for this is my blood of the new global warming covenant, which is being shed for many unto the forgiveness of their carbon footprint.  But I say unto you, I will not drink of this Diet Coke henceforth until that day when I shall drink it with you in the presence of President Obama.”

And after reciting a Bruce Springsteen song, I don’t remember which one but I think it was ‘Thunder Road’, they left the McDonalds.  Then Al Gore saith unto them, ‘You will all be scandalized this night because of me; for it is written, ‘I will leak emails exposing unethical scientists who invent data to support their grants, and the global warming flock will be scattered.’ But after I have finished another couple burgers at another restaurant along the way I will go before you unto the City.”

Here endeth the Gospel reading from Al Gore.

Today it was learned that a 20-year old part-time college student from Sheboygan Wisconsin has admitted to not sleeping with embattled golfer Tiger Woods.

The 20-year old, who wishes that her real name not be used, admits that she feels “left out” and has written Tiger asking for an assignation.

“At first it didn’t bother me, not sleeping with Tiger.  He is a married man after all and I do have standards.  But then I found out that every other woman in Wisconsin has slept with him.  This hurt me.  Why am I not good enough for Tiger?  I can’t concentrate on my studies anymore.  I just want to finish my classes and become a dental hygenist but now…..I don’t know.”

Her lawyer has written Tiger asking him to show cause as to why he has not slept with his client.

“This can damage a person in so many ways.  To realize that you are the only person who  hasn’t slept with Tiger Woods can have a profound impact on a person’s life.  I ask for justice.  I ask that Tiger sleep with my client.”

Meanwhile in upstate New York near Utica it has been learned that a 44-year old mother of three also has not slept with Tiger Woods.

“This has ruined my life. The press camp out on my lawn and shout questions to me when I drive the kids to school.  My husband is ashamed of me for not sleeping with Tiger - he’s a huge golf fan.  He keeps telling me to close my eyes and pretend it’s Phil Mickelson if I have to.  My kids get teased at school and come home crying.  Kids are so cruel.  They say things like ‘Your mother doesn’t cheat’ and ‘Your mother doesn’t like golf balls.’  I just want this to stop.  I want my life back.”

A new support group, “Women Who Have Not Slept With Tiger Woods” has been created and meets every second and fourth Tuesday of the month in the basement of the Sheboygan Rotary Club.

“So far I’m the only member but I hope more people will join.  There must be other women out there who hide this dark, shameful secret of not sleeping with Tiger.  There must be.  Invalids, the comatose, women with autism.  There has to be somebody else!”

Tiger Woods released a statement apologizing for not sleeping with the two women and blames his busy schedule.  The statement also said that he “hopes to sleep with them sometime in 2010.”

From the White House front lawn Katie Couric looks into the camera:

Katie Couric: Greetings from the House of Noncolor.  All three major networks (and we don’t consider Fox a major television network) are proud to simulcast President Obama’s Non-denominational End of Year Holiday Spectacular.  I’d like to introduce my cohost, MSNBC political reporter Chris Matthews.

Chris Mathews:  This is absolutely fantastic Katie.  I feel a thrill going up and down my leg.  Yes, my leg…….it tingles…oh God it feels so good…..I can’t stop it.  (Matthew’s leg begins moving.)  My leg…….it feels so good.  Oh my God.  Yes….yes…..YES!!! (Matthews passes out) [Queue laugh track]

Katie Couric:  And so without further ado we take you to the Oval Office where His Eminence Barack Obama will address his subjects.

Live from the Oval Office.

Barack Obama:  Thank you Katie.  And Chris, I haven’t seen so much flailing about and uncoordinated movements since the last time my Vice President Joe Biden tried to get out of the locked office in the basement we keep him in  [laugh track.]  But seriously my fellow citizens of the world it is my pleasure to address you tonight from the House of Noncolor in Washington D.C.  A  city that until 150 years ago used to sell slaves not far from here.  Fortunately a Democratic Administration put an end to that practice. 

I am pleased to see so many people here today.  We have Pakistanis, Afghans, Venezuelans, Cubans, Palestinians, Chinese, Jordanians and others.  This truly shows how nonthreatening and unexceptional the U.S. is to the rest of the world.  And I am proud to have a part in bringing it about.  Not like my predecessor.  So now I’d like to introduce my master of ceremonies Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes:  Thank you muthaf*&#$.  Boy the muthaf($%^*#% security is a muthaf#(*$!  I had to pass through lots of pasty-faced white boys just to be here.  I just hope they don’t let that fat ass muthaf#($# Rush Limbaugh into the building.  I hope his muthaf#(*$#* kidneys fail.

Barack Obama:  Isn’t she a pip?  [laugh track]  But seriously Wanda, who do we have on the show today?

Wanda Sykes:  Don’t you know muthaf#(&*#?  It’s your muthaf#($#&* show? [laugh track]

Barack Obama: Oh Wanda behave yourself.  [laugh track.] Well tonight I am pleased to have the Dixie Chicks who will be singing their new holiday song “America Sucks and We Are Ashamed of our Country.”  And let me tell you people, this single is a good one. We will also have, via satellite link from the tribal region of Pakistan Osama Bin Laden who will have a special greeting to the infidel invaders of Afghanistan.  But first - wait, what’s this?  (President Obama and Wanda Sykes turn to the chimney where a jolly fat man has just appeared.) 

Could it be that European fur-wearing man who refuses to bring toys to nonchristian peoples of color around the world??  Is it Santa?

 Wanda Sykes:  It’s that muthaf#*$$*% fat ass white boy Rush Limbaugh.  How’d you get in here muthaf#($#*?  Haven’t your muthaf#($#* kidney’s failed yet? (Limbaugh is tackled by Secret Service and dragged out of the room.)

You’re the muthaf#$*# President and your security sucks! [laugh track.]

Barack Obama:  Oh Wanda.  I have a harder time getting you to behave than my mother-in-law! [laugh track]

But as I promised here via satellite link is Osama Bin Laden who has a special message for the world.

Osama Bin Laden:  Thank you.  To all infidel invaders of Muslim holy lands.  You will die.  We will cut your heads off -

Wanda Sykes:  Boy this muthaf*#$% is hard core.  I need him in L.A. for protection against the Crips and the Bloods! [laugh track]

Barack Obama:  But they can’t die after 2011 when I pull our troops out. [Applause]

Thank you Osama.  Wanda, who is our next guest?

Wanda Sykes:  Our next guest is Khalid Sheik Mohammed.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed:  Thank you it is an honor to be here and out of Gitmo. [Applause]

Wanda Sykes:  Hey, muthaf#*#@ what is that strapped around your belt? You got muthaf#*%*@^ cookies or something?

Khalid Sheik Mohammed:  ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!  ALLAH AKBAR!!!!! [Explosion]

END OF TRANSMISSION

Governor David Paterson (D-NY) hoping to offset a record budget deficit for New York State has announced plans to sell Long Island.  With a budget deficit approaching $55 billion and the state on the verge of bankruptcy Paterson announced today that he will be selling Long Island to the New York Yankees.  The Yankees plan to use Long Island as a breeding ground for future ballplayers.

“This is a good deal for both parties” said Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman at a joint press conference.  “New York gets to close its budget gap and the Yankees get to use Long Island as a hatchery for biologically viable ballplayers.”

Under terms of the deal all residents of Long Island will be converted to bioenergy to fuel new experimental pods that the Yankees are planning on installing along the North Shore.

“We found that dealing with real humans created a degree of uncertainty about winning.  So the organization decided to use bioengineered superhumans as our ballplayers” said Cashman.

Residents of Long Island are bitterly divided.  Many worry about the environmental impact while others are in favor of the sale.

“With all our residents converted to bioenergy the Long Island Expressway will finally live up to its name” said Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy who volunteered to be the first converted to the new form of existence.  Once he emerged from the pod, Levy threw a bullpen session off the mound and had his fastball clocked at an amazing 283 miles an hour.

“He’ll have to work on developing another pitch obviously” said Cashman.  “But we think we’ve found our new closer.”

While the constitutionality of the sale and conversion of Long Island’s residents to bioenergy still have to be settled many agree that this makes the Yankees the favorite to repeat as champions for the next 97 years or until Jose Reyes comes back from his hamstring injury, whichever happens first.

Governor Paterson defended the sale telling reporters “Look we had to close the deficit and this was the only viable solution.  Is was this our use or national guard to invade New Jersey, ruthlessly strip it of its natural resources and use their citizens as slave labor.  Well, okay, we are planning on doing that anyway.  But the sale helps out definitely.”

Bud Selig when told of the Yankees plans said “This is obviously in the best interest of baseball.  And as long as no steroids are involved….oh what the hell……where are my hookers?”

Hoping to modernize their image and avoid the embarrassment of racist imagery the Washington Redskins announced that they will be changing their name effective with the beginning of the 2010 season.

“Let’s face it” said a team spokesperson, “Our team sucks.  We need a distraction.  Also, there is a law against having logos that denigrate entire peoples. so the Redskin logo must go.  Sure the native Americans had skin.  Sure that skin was red.  But I’m sure it wasn’t originally so. Global warming brought on by European invasion must have warmed the atmosphere and led to the red skin.”

Since the Washington franchise has a long association with the color red the possible name changes originally involved that color.

“We considered changing our name to the Washington Steamed Lobsters but we didn’t want to upset the important vegan lobby.”

Another name considered was the Washington Trillion Dollar Deficits.

“The color would be red, and hey, this is Washington after all.”

That potential name was rejected after team owners were assured that increased government spending would eliminate the deficit, thereby making the name change irrelevant.

Having ruled out all “red-themed” name changes the Washington franchise decided to delve deeper into their name.  Since the original natives of the American continent came from a now sunken land bridge with Asia the Washington Asians was considered as a possible new name.

However, since the asians most probably migrated from the birthplace of humankind, Africa, the Washington Asians was rejected and the Washington Africans was set to be announced as the new name for the team.

The Washington Africans was rejected out of concern that it might bring up the specter of slavery.

“Given the inherent racism in American society we worried that calling the team the Africans would open fresh wounds.”

But since a connection with the African continent was considered key to the name change the several stages of evolution were considered.  But for practical reasons, the Washington Homo Sapiens, the Homo Neandertals, the Homo Erectus, the Homo Habilis and the Australopithecus Africanus were rejected when none of the names would fit on the jerseys.

“So we decided to go back even further - to the beginning.”

And so with the 2010 season the new name for the franchise will be the Washington Primordial Soups.

“Primordial Soup.  I like it.  It’s catchy and pretty much describes our offensive line.”

 65 Billion B.C. (or is that B.C.E.)

A conference of  dinosaurs today concluded that the Earth is “dangerously close to brink of being unsustainable to all life” and recommended drastic dietary and lifestyle changes.

The global warming conference was heavily attended by dinosaurs from throughout the world.  The conference opened with an address by the leading proponent of dinosaur-made global warming, a Brontosaurus from the North American Continent.

“If we do not make changes to our lifestyle dinosaurs run the risk of going the way of the pelycosaurs, archosaurs and therapsids.  We have grown accustomed to our advanced way of life but we must make these changes.  The science is irrefutable.  The debate is over.”

Those changes include diapers to be worn by all meat-eating dinosaurs.  This brought cries of outrage from the meat-eating dinosaurs in attendance who wondered why they were being singled out.

“I’m a vegan” explained the Brontosaurus. “My vegan diet leads to vegan waste which nourishes the Earth.  Your meat-eating diet lead to waste matter that fouls the Earth.”

It was then explained that meat-eating dinosaurs that did not wish to change their diet would be given an opportunity to buy “diaper credits.”  Under the system of diaper credits their diet would not be held against them as their purchased credits will enable the planting of gardens throughout the globe, leading to a reduction in global warming and incentives for meat-eaters to become vegans.

It was then time for a Tyrannosaurus to address the conference.  He began his speech by questioning the science of the brontosaurus.  His speech was drowned out however by brontosaurus protesters who held up signs saying “Tyrannosaurus = Tyranny” and “T-racist.”

The conference ended when a meteor was seen in the sky.

“Well there goes the neighborhood” said a T. Rex.  “Screw diaper credits I’m going out in style.”

He then plunged his foot-long teeth into the neck of a brontosaurus.

In keeping with my policy of allowing guest commentary it is my privilege to have God visit my humble blog:

Thank you.  I’d like to take this opportunity to thank The Manhattan Infidel for letting me say a few words even though I do disapprove of his name.

First off let me say that I’m kind of tired of hearing everybody whining all the time, saying ‘this isn’t fair’ or ‘that isn’t fair.’  Do you think life is supposed to be fair?  Look at me.  I’m six trillion years old and I don’t have a pension plan.

You know what else is not fair?  I get blamed for everything.  Any little thing that goes wrong with their life and they are renouncing me.  Why?  People don’t see the big picture.  As I like to tell everybody I’m a big picture kind of guy.  But everyone is caught up in their petty little problems and mistakes.  Hey, free will baby.  Free will!  No not Free Willy, though that was a great movie.  So don’t blame me if something goes wrong.  You had a choice.

You know what else isn’t fair?  Rent.  Yeah, I have to pay rent too.  Did you ever think about that?  It’s gotten so expensive in Heaven that I am looking at office space in Malverne, New York.  True, there are many excellent golf courses in the area but that’s just a secondary consideration.  So don’t whine to me when your landlord raises your rent.

And don’t get me started on this whole idea of perfection.  You think it’s fair being judged by seven billion people every time I make a mistake?  If I’m perfect how do you explain Florida?  It’s humid, swampy and full of alligators for me’s sake.

If I’m perfect how do you explain that I gave humans only two set of teeth instead of three?  It would be nice to have a replacement set rather than dealing with dentures.  If I’m perfect how about all those rivers that flow South to North?  How did that happen?  I’ll tell you how it happened.  I was probably distracted waiting for the damn cable guy to show up.

So quit your whining.  At least you get two weeks vacation a year.  Do you know the last time I took a vacation?  September 1939.  And what happens?  World War II breaks out.  And I get blamed!  I wasn’t even in the office that week!

So quit whining.  Life isn’t fair.  At least you get to retire.  I’ve tried changing jobs but I have no certifications and I’m not good at computers.  I’m not qualified to do anything else.  I put my resume out there but the only job I was offered was as the new lead singer for Journey.  Why? Gimmick value.  They just wanted to promote themselves with God singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin.’”

Alright?  So c’mon give me a break and quit whining.  I have problems of my own.

Thank you

God

Wow, um, I’d like to once again thank God for his guest commentary.

The Manhattan Infidel

Just back from a trip to the Far East that saw President Obama continue his trend of bowing,  White House physicians are worried that this trend might harm the President’s soft, malleable backbone.

“We first noticed this disturbing trend in Saudi Arabia” said a physician associated with the Administration.  “While we have no objections to the occasional bow, if the body becomes preconditioned to expect one it can have disastrous consequences.”

Historians point to the case of President James Buchanan who had devoted a lifetime to bowing to Southern Plantation interests and found himself unable to resist the tide of secession.  After South Carolina left the Union President Buchanan wrote a letter to a good friend expressing surprise and  bewilderment. 

“I’m a nice guy.  Deferential.  I’m certainly no ‘go it alone cowboy’ like that a–hole Polk.  I don’t know what to do next.  I’ve given the South everything they wanted. And still they seceded.  I don’t understand!”

The War of 1812 came about partially because of President Madison’s soft backbone.

“I kept telling the British not to be mean to us and if they continued to be mean to us we’d register a complaint.  Not only did they continue being mean but they burned down my house!  Dolly was barely able to save some dishes. People being mean to me makes me want to cry.”

More recently President Carter, who was born without a backbone, found himself bowing to the Iranian Revolution.

“Can’t we just give them the Shah?  Will that get the hostages back?” asked Carter.  “I’m a nice guy.  Very deferential.  Why does the Ayatollah keeps saying bad things about me?”‘

With record deficits and a militant Iran, Russia and Venezuela threatening Washington, doctors at the White House have asked the President to discontinue his bowing.  They have even given him prescriptions to stiffen his backbone.  It may take weeks for the medications to kick in however.

“I walked past the White House kitchen today and President Obama was bowing to the cook and apologizing for not finishing last night’s meatloaf” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous.  “If this keeps up I’m moving to Canada.”

It appears that whatever medications the White House medical staff have given the President haven’t taken effect yet.  During a ceremony in the Rose Garden today President Obama was interrupted by the family dog Bo.  President Obama bowed to the dog and apologized for America’s role in perpetuating the word “pet.”

“I know you are more than a pet, Bo. You are my animal companion.”

Air Canada has reported a record increase in flights from the U.S.

With the Thanksgiving Holiday past and the Christmas season upon us the annual tradition of celebrity famine singles is in full swing.

From his home in Dublin, U2 Frontman Bono said “I remember back in ‘86 when me, Bruce, Cyndi, Tina, Lionel and that other guy - no not the drunk from Long Island - the other guy with the fake nose who used to be black -  got together to stop hunger in Africa.  We were wondering what to do.  None of us actually wanted to go to Africa so we did what we as celebrities do best - we made it all about us.”  

The resulting single, “We Are the World” is credited with raising thousands to help stop hunger.  Hoping to harness the same magic Bono and Kanye West have partnered to release the anti-famine single “Stop Starving Already, Will Ya?”  Half the proceeds from the sale of the single will go to buying Toyota Prius’s for Africans affected by famine.

“What’s the saying?  Give a man a fish you feed him for a day. Give him a Prius and you significantly reduce his carbon footprint, enabling him to grow more food.  Well, that’s what Kanye and I are trying to do” said Bono.

Not to be outdone Duran Duran has reformed to release their own anti-famine single.  The new song “We are Duran Duran Please Buy this Song Since Many of us Haven’t had Jobs in Years and are Heavily in Debt” is out now.  Proceeds will go to the Duran Duran Anti-Starvation Fund which will benefit Duran Duran members.

“Hey, famine is famine right?” said Simon LeBon.  “Is that a cookie?  It looks like a cookie.  May I have it?  Seriously.  GIVE ME THE  F*&^(*G COOKIE!”

Combining concern for the environment with hunger, David Bowie has released a song targeting the plight of unemployed coal miners in West Virginia called “The Earth Rapers are Hungry!” with a B side of “Have Yourself a Merry Bisexual Christmas.”

“Naturally as a progressive celebrity I am personally offended by these Red State Americans who rape the environment.  But I’m going to help them to show how superior I am.  How come Simon Le Bon gets a cookie and I don’t?” said Bowie.

In Hollywood Megan Fox has released a spoken word single entitled “Famine is like, bad, you know.  I’m pretty.”

Not content to merely help the less fortunate at Christmas, Bono announced a benefit Valentines Day single for those without dates called “You’re Ugly You’re Obviously Not Going to Get Any Give Me the F*#&*@g Cookie.”

“Helping people.  It’s what I do best” said Bono.

Worldwide sensation Barack Obama brought his act to West Point and performed in front of a packed crowd at Eisenhower Hall.  Security was tight as Obama and his backup band The Obamas were led to the stage by a phalanx of state troopers.

Obama thanked the crowd  for coming and launched into his no 1. hit, the patriotic ballad “We Didn’t Ask for This.”

“We did not ask for this fight/They struck our military and economic nerve centers/They took the lives of innocent men, women and children without regard to their faith or race or station/If not for the courage of the fearless crew America would be lost/America would be lost”

With the crowd sufficiently worked up he launched into his nonsensical rap ditty “It’s My Predecessor’s Fault.”

“In early 2003 a decision was made to wage a second war in Iraq/ For the next six years the Iraq War drew the dominant share of our resources/that decision caused substantial rifts between America and the rest of the world”

The song ended with a 15 minute call-and-response jam of “Bush did it/Bush did it/Bush did it.”

He then closed the concert with his trademark song, “Read My Lips:  No New Deficits.”

“All told, by the time I took office the cost of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan approached a trillion dollars/I will work closely with Congress to address these costs as we work to bring down our deficit “

Obama then left the stage as his backup band threw Obama T-shirts into the crowd.  After a ten minute wait Obama reappeared for the encore and sang a new number called “Multilateralism.”

“No one nation can meet the challenges of an interconnected world acting alone/I have spent this past year renewing our alliances and forging new partnerships/And we have forged a new beginning between America and the Muslim World/One that recognizes our mutual interests in breaking the cycle of conflict”

With that the concert was over.  Despite his warm reception there were many in the crowd who thought his performance was lukewarm at best.

“I saw Louie Anderson and Frankie Avalon here last week and they were much better” said one spectator.

Another expressed disappointment because he was led to understand that Kenny Rogers would be performing.

“I don’t know.  Maybe I just got the dates mixed up.  Still, he could at least have sung ‘You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille’.”

Barry and the Obamas next performace is scheduled to take place in Copenhagen.