Manhattan Infidel

Using the authority given to him under the Constitution, President Obama today visited a local elementary school playground to make a series of controversial recess appointments.

“The Republicans say I cannot do this.  But unlike me, the Republicans aren’t Constitutional scholars.  I clearly have the authority to make recess appointments and that is what I’m going to do.”

He then took his jacket off, rolled up his sleeves and called the schoolchildren over to him. 

“I am now appointing all of you circuit court judges.  I wish I didn’t have to do this but the Republicans have blocked all my nominations, making this day necessary.”

The children, mostly 3rd and 4th graders appeared confused.  Many asked what a circuit court was.  One of the children asked President Obama if being a judge will give him the power to “make girls take their clothes off.”

President Obama pulled out a cigarette,  lit it up and smoked it.

“That is an excellent question.  Being a judge gives you that power and more. And if perchance you contract a venereal disease from the girls taking their clothes off, my new comprehensive health care reform will pay for your treatment.”

A cheer went up through the playground as the new circuit court judges rounded up the girls and forced them to take their clothes off.  Many of the girls were crying.  Some wet their pants.  Those who refused were grabbed by Secret Service and arrested.

“That’s what I like to see” said the President.  “Activist judges.  Activist justice.”

A schoolteacher asked President Obama to put out his cigarette.

“Please.  It doesn’t set a good example for the children” she said.

“Children?  You mean my new Federal judges don’t you?  Judges, this woman has asked me to put out my cigarette. What is your ruling?”

“We rule against teacher” the children chanted.  “Teacher is a meanie.  Teacher is a meanie.  We rule she has to kiss the Principal.”

The Secret Service then led the offending teacher inside to comply with the terms of her sentence.  President Obama then gathered his new judges around him for a photo op before returning to the White House.

“President Obama, mmm….mmm…..mmmm.  Thank you.  This is the best recess we’ve ever had” said the children.

When reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell shook his head sadly.

“I think the President misunderstands the meaning of recess appointments.  I just hope these children don’t do too much damage until Congress convenes again.”

In a related note, one of President Obama’s new appointees declared his Science teacher “a big doofus” and had him teach the entire class dressed as Donald Duck.

The Galactic Empire’s Death Star exploded today.  The exact cause of the explosion is as yet undetermined though sources say Empire police are looking for two low-level stormtroopers who were last seen “messing with the thermostat.”

“It’s true” said an anonymous source.   “Two stormtroopers would always play with the thermostat on the Death Star.  Once would lower it and the other would raise it as high as it could go.  I guess he finally raised it too high.”  Shortly before the explosion the two suspects were seen leaving in a space shuttle.  “They are innocent until proven guilty of course.  But at the very least it looks damn suspicious.”  

The loss of the Death Star dealt a serious blow to the Galactic Empire and will lead to political repercussions across the Universe.  At the very least it will seriously hamper the Empire’s efforts to defeat the nascent Republican movement.

Chancellor Palpatine told reporters that the Empire will recover.

“This is a serious blow without a doubt.  We have lost thousands of our best troops.  The Republican terrorists will seek to take advantage of this.  But the Empire will prevail.  Let’s not forget that we have the people on our side.”

He then reminded everyone of the many benefits of the Empire.

“Does anyone remember what the Galaxy used to be like?  Wars between planets.  Out of control crime.  Galactic muggings.  A family would think twice before hopping in their space ship for a cruise around the Universe.  Look at all we’ve accomplished.  Crime is down.  The Galaxy is at peace.  The space lanes are safe again.  Tourism is up.  Business is booming.”

A reporter asked if another Death Star would be built.

“Look.  First off, it’s not a ‘Death Star.’  It’s  a Defense Star.  We will of course rebuild.  But it’ll take time.  The Empire is stretched thin at the moment.  We’ve just given all Empire citizens universal health care.  This isn’t cheap. We’ll have to increase our debt ceiling to do it.  But we will do it.”

Palpatine closed his press conference by setting aside next week as a time of mourning and promising a complete review of the Empire’s defense capability.

The first casualty of any proposed change in defense will be the commander of the Death Star itself, Lord Darth Vader.  The Empire has not been able to contact him since the explosion.

“He has to be held responsible.  He had the freaking force.  Why didn’t he use it to discipline his troops better?  Once we find him he has some explaining to do.  At the very least he’s going to have to turn in his helmet.”

Recent events seem to have confirmed that taking our Constitution and flushing it down a toilet has become the the favorite pastime in Washington D.C.  Not wanting to appear unsophisticated in front of the more liberal citizens of New York City I decided to try my hand at it.

My only previous experience with document flushing was with the Koran and that was a disaster.   My toilet backed up, my shoes got wet and my cat got angry.  I did not feel like repeating that experience so I decided to seek help from experts.  I asked my congresswoman if she had any suggestions.  I am attaching her response in the hopes it will help my readers:

Dear Constituent.  Thank you for your interest in Constitution flushing.  As you are aware Congress recently conducted a rancorous debate involving health care.  Polls showed that the majority of Americans were opposed to our efforts.  Fortunately we bravely decided to ignore the will of the American people.  This disregard for the wishes of those who elected us forms the theoretical basis for Constitution flushing.  Remember also that the Constitution was written by white men of northern European origin to protect their property rights.  The document is silent on social justice and the redistribution of wealth.  Compare our Constitution to Iran, North Korea or Venezuela’s and all Americans should hold their head in shame.

Now onto practical matters:  The mode of flushing.  Many of my fellow congresspeople prefer the ‘all at once’ method of flushing whereby the entire Constitution is shoved into the toilet.  There are advantages to this method not the least of which is a bigger splash.  That is certainly more dramatic.  However your shoes may get wet and if you have a cat she may get angry.

I prefer ripping the Constitution apart and flushing the pages individually.  It takes longer of course but draws out the pleasure.  When flushing I usually start with Article 1 section 8 clause 18 - the necessary and proper clause which states that Congress shall have the power to make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers.  I’ve found that once that is disposed the rest of the Constitution is so much easier to flush down the toilet.  And your shoes will stay dry.

I hope this was able to help you.  I look forward to ignoring your wishes in the future.

While this is excellent advice I decided to go for the ‘all at once’ method.  My shoes got wet and my cat got angry.  But at least my fellow New Yorkers don’t think I’m unsophisticated anymore.

The Manhattan Infidel blog generates lots of reader mail and I would like to share with you a sample of the letters I get from concerned readers on a broad range of issues.

L.L. writes, “I recently shot and killed a federal agent and buried him in my back yard.  But that’s not my problem.  The problem is my dog keeps digging him up, grabbing the bones in his mouth and placing them at my feet.  Is there any way to stop him from doing this?”

L.L.,  I’ve found that burying anybody in the back yard, be they a federal agent, an ex, a coworker or one of the undead is just not worth the risk.  Too many things can go wrong.  Floods, zoning changes, zombieism. Before you know it your carefully buried body is washed up or roaming the neighborhood looking for revenge.  Worse, you can be fined.  It is much safer to boil the flesh off and store the bones in the back of your refrigerator next to the cream cheese.

D.B. from Philadelphia writes, “My son came home from school with a drawing he made of me that he was very proud of.  It was just a stick figure.  He wanted me to put it up on the refrigerator. I had had a few so instead I told him it was crap and ripped it up. He cried a lot that night.  Did I do something wrong?”

You did nothing wrong.  It is time that the parents of the United States took a stand against the tyranny of school art projects.  The next time your son brings something home sit him down and patiently explain that daddy drinks a lot and is trapped in a loveless marriage.  If he doesn’t like that explanation take him by the hand and show him the mounds in the back yard and ask him if he remembers having an older brother

T.S. writes, “Recently I noticed an eye growing on my shoulder.  Should I be worried?”

That depends.  It might be Rosie Greer. If that is the case you are legally entitled to half the proceeds from memorabilia shows he might attend.

S.C. writes, “I have heard nothing but good things about your blog.  Unfortunately we do not have internet access in prison.  What can I do?”

Excellent question.  I am asked this a lot.  You have to steal the warden’s suit and shoes, escape through a sewage pipe and meet me in Mexico on the Pacific Ocean.  I’ll be fixing up an old boat.

L.K. writes, “I am thinking of starting a blog and I was wondering……….Oh my God….zombies!  They’re everywhere!”

You had a question?  Lock the door, grab a machete and start your blog.  Quit whining.  Zombies are much easier to kill than werewolves or federal agents.  Zombies are slow moving, clumsy and weak whereas werewolves are quick and strong.  Federal agents are neither quick nor strong but they are annoying and persistent.

Taylor writes, “I am an astronaut.  Recently I was sent on a deep space mission.  I landed on a planet with talking apes who are trying to kill me.  But that’s not my problem.  My problem is the apes are still using dial-up to access the internet.  Do you know how long it takes to get my email now?  The only bright side to my situation is I don’t have to wait in line for three hours to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty.”

Dial-up?  Sucks to be you Taylor.  By the way, is the crown on the Statue of Liberty still closed?

Brent writes, “I too am an astronaut.  I was following Taylor’s trajectory and  landed on a planet filled with mutant humans who worship nuclear bombs.  What can I do?”

Brent.  Really.  What the Hell are you doing in Iran?

And there you have it.  A brief, representative sample of the mail I receive.  I hope to share more mail with my readers soon so keep those cards, letters and emails coming.  And always carry a machete.

A meeting at the White House today between representatives of the Girl Scouts and President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took an unexpected turn with many of the Girl Scouts crying and asking for their parents. The Girl Scouts were assembled in the White House to honor those among them who sold the most cookies.  The ceremony started when President Obama met with the Girl Scouts for a photo op.

“You know those cookies you girls sell are killers” joked the President.  “Seriously they clog arteries and build up cholesterol.  Thank God my newly passed health insurance program will help people who eat your cookies.  Do you girls have health insurance?  Do you have a preexisting condition?  How secure is your father’s job?”

This appeared to confuse the girls.

“What’s a preexisting condition?” asked one.  Another started crying and ran to her mother.  “Mommy, is daddy going to lose his job?”

“Thank God the Democrats were able to block the Republicans.  They are the party of ‘No’ you understand” continued the President. 

He then thanked the girl scouts before leaving.  “I’d love to stay but Michelle and I are heading to New York to do a little congratulatory shopping.”

Vice President Biden then took over and put his arm around the Girl Scout who had sold the most cookies.

“How many did you sell?” he asked her.  When he was told how many Biden slapped his thigh and said “Wow.  That many?  That’s a big fucking deal!”

Vice President Biden then looked at the assembled reporters and exclaimed, “Do you know how many fucking cookies this little cocksucker sold?  We should all be proud of her fucking ‘Can Do’ spirit.  I remember when I was in the Boy Scouts I had to sell fucking candles.  Candles!  Jesus Christ can you believe it?  I didn’t sell one of those motherfuckers.  Hey who wants to hear a joke?  When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?”

The Girl Scouts looked shocked.  Many started crying while others pointed to Biden and said “He said a bad word!”

Before Biden could give the punchline to the joke the Secret Service sprang into action.

“Number Two’s gone rogue. Number Two’s gone off script” they shouted before surrounding the Vice President and hustling him away.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed Biden’s behavior on medication he is taking for a preexisting medical condition.  “A preexisting condition that might have resulted in him losing his health insurance if the Republicans had gotten their way.”

Kathy Cloninger, CEO of the Girls Scouts of America announced that in the future they will not be attending any White House events.

“I haven’t heard such language since I watched Deadwood.”

The passage of the health care entitlement package combined with America’s exploding debt has forced the bond credit rating organization Standard and Poor’s to change the U.S credit rating.  S&P has announced that henceforth the U.S. debt assessment will be “Pete Best”, the lowest assignable level. Deven Sharma, President of S&P, announced the change today.

The Pete Best level was created after its namesake was fired by the Beatles.  Assignment to the Pete Best level officially means the U.S. is rated as “Bankrupt, having a lasting inability to meet payments or will become a mid-level civil servant while your former mates go on to fame and fortune.”  This will seriously impede the United States’ efforts to borrow more money to fund future entitlements.

The President of the People’s Republic of China has announced that his country will no longer buy U.S. debt.  Hu Jintao, speaking to reporters today said “We have come to the conclusion that we no longer have any chance of being paid back by the United States.  We are technically a Communist country but even we know that you can’t keep borrowing.  You have to start paying off the debt eventually.  Somebody should cut up the U.S. Congress’ credit cards.”

Responding to the news, President Barack Obama today said, “I’m a socialist and as such am unfamiliar with capitalist terminology.  Not that such terminology would concern me anyway.  I’ve been to Harvard.  I’m an expert.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY) told reporters “Our debt rating being reduced to Pete Best level should be a wake up call.  We cannot keep spending.  We don’t have the money.  We cannot even borrow money anymore. If this keeps up the United States will have no future but touring England in a five-piece combo and forever living off the glory of former friends.”

From England, Pete Best had this to say:  “Hey, come on.  Why is everybody always picking on me?”

The last person assigned the Pete Best credit rating was  11-year old Sean Williams of East Park, Illinois, who borrowed 45 dollars from his parents to build a car for the soap box derby and was unable to pay it back.  Mr. Williams is now touring England in a five-piece combo.

Stung by revelations of chicanery in the presentation of anthropogenic global warming data, former Vice President Al Gore is sticking to his guns.  AGW is a scientific fact, says Gore.  The debate is over.

“However, I may have been mistaken on the cause of global warming” says the ever humble Gore.  “After further review of the scientific data I am now convinced that AGW is caused by rogue chariots flying too close to the Sun.”

Gore presented his finding during an appearance on a Larry King show that also featured Balloon Boy’s father and John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter.

“If you look at my PowerPoint presentation it shows that the Earth’s temperature spiked at the same time that Phaethon drove his father’s chariot across the sky.  Let this be a warning to all fathers.  Never let your son drive your chariot or car.  They might end up scorching the Earth and destroying all life or they might get arrested for speeding and drug possession.”

Gore then spent the next half hour explaining the facts behind his chariot hypothesis.

“Phaethon ignored his father Apollo’s words and did not steer a middle course through the sky with his chariot.  The ice caps melted, Eskimos sweated in the heat and the polar bears, my god the poor polar bears drowned.  Mountains, plateaus and plains burst into fire. Fields turned into ashes.  Forests and mountains fed each others flame.  The Sahara, once a beautiful rain forest became an inhospitable desert.  Just look at the graphics on page 12 of my presentation.  What do you see?  The Earth on fire.  It will happen again unless the nations of the Earth pass strict chariot control laws.  This is the only way to stop climate change.  I am confident that President Obama will lead the way.”

King then asked Gore if Balloon Boy’s flight might lead to drastic global warming.

“If he had gotten close enough to the Sun the answer is yes.  He’d have to be shot down before the ice caps melted.”

This brought a sharp response from Balloon Boy’s father.

“For the love of God it is not my son’s fault.  This is just a hoax.  Global warming I mean.  Not my son being unfortunately trapped in a runaway balloon that had the world glued to their TVs while I shopped a new reality show I’m working on.”

Rielle Hunter asked Gore if John Edwards could be contributing to global warming.

“I mean Johnny’s sooooo hot!”

Gore denied it, stating that Edwards’ hotness was most likely a result of global warming and not a contributing factor.

King thanked his three guests and reminded viewers to watch tomorrow night’s show “which will feature North Korean President Kim Jong-il and a reunion of the cast of CPO Sharkey.”

Dateline Philadelphia

The Second Continental Congress today passed a Declaration of Independence.

“This has been the most open, most transparent process in history” declared its author, Thomas Jefferson of Virginia.  The Declaration effectively ends the colonies political association with the Kingdom of Great Britain.

Despite Jefferson’s claims, the mode of passing and indeed the Declaration itself remain deeply controversial.  Aware that he did not have the votes to pass the Declaration, Jefferson and co-sponsor John Adams of Massachusetts pushed it through by debating South Carolina’s amendment to strike out language regarding slavery.  One this amendment passed they then “deemed” that the entire document had been passed by Congress.

“Despite what Jefferson says this has not been a transparent process at all” said Maryland’s delegation.  “Jefferson was secluded when he wrote it.  He didn’t ask for our input.  We haven’t even voted on it.  They (the supporters) just deemed it to have passed.  This is blatantly wrong.  This is America not The Netherlands.”

Many argue that the Continental Congress even lacks the authority to declare independence.

“The members of Congress were chosen by 13 different governments.  We are bound to follow the instructions given to us by our legislatures.  Many currently oppose independence.  Maryland, New Jersey, Delaware are opposed to it.  Our own delegation cannot be found as New York City has been evacuated.  At least I think that’s the reason we haven’t heard from them” said New York’s Lewis Morris.

Adams responded to criticism by stating “We had to seclude Jefferson.  It’s the only way he can write.”   He further told reporters that “everyone knew what he was writing and the reasons for it.  All this talk that people do not know what’s in the Declaration is hogwash.”

Asked in front of the Pennsylvania State House what was in the Declaration, an ailing Ben Franklin responded, “Don’t know.  Haven’t seen it. Haven’t voted on it. The process is unimportant to me. But trust me.  It’s great.”

Congress then ordered 200 copies of the Declaration printed.

“Now that it’s passed the people can read it” said Jefferson.

It has been 45 years since NBC first aired the now classic Christmas documentary, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  In the intervening years much tragedy has befallen the cast.  Call it fate.  Call it chance.  Some refer to it as “The Curse of Rudolph.”

Many feel that the curse started the night the special aired with the case of Bird Fish from the Island of Misfit Toys.  Bird Fish was a bird that swam instead of flew.  On his visit to the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph promised a home for all the toys.

“I thought he was just blowing smoke up my ass” said Bird Fish.  “But then Santa showed up and took me on his sleigh.  I was happy!  I was going to find a home.  We were flying over Georgia when one of the elves grabs me and says ‘here is your new home.’  He then drops me over the side of the sleigh.  I told him, I begged him not to.  I can’t fly I said.  I swim.  But no.  Son of a bitch has to drop me anyway.  I landed on top of a car.  No one found me until morning.”

Since that night Bird Fish has been confined to an iron lung.   “I wish I never met Rudolph.”

King Moonracer was the ruler of the Island of Misfit Toys until Rudolph arrived.

“I was King.  My word was law.  It’s great being King.  My family had ruled the Island for centuries.  It was a hereditary monarchy.  I had everything.  Power, women, luxury like you wouldn’t believe.  Then that son of a bitch Rudolph showed up and took all of my subjects.  The ones that stayed had a rebellion soon after that and deposed me.  That’s how I ended up in Venezuela.  Still I shouldn’t complain.  I have it better than a lot of former rulers.  I play tennis with Hugo and every now and then I get to see Sean Penn.”

The list of those who met tragic fates after the television special goes on.

• Yukon Cornelius, happy go lucky prospector and intimate of Rudolph was killed in a mine explosion in 1970.  His body has never been recovered.
• Clarice the Doe, love interest of Rudolph died of pancreatic cancer in 1976.  Many blame the power lines that ran in front of her family’s cave.
• Hermey the misfit elf committed suicide after his dentist’s license was revoked when he was caught sleeping with his patients.
• Sam the Snowman, who bore an amazing resemblance to Burl Ives,  retired to Florida shortly after the special.  He tragically melted when his air conditioner malfunctioned.
• The Bumble (a.k.a. the Abominable Snow Monster of the North) died of a heart attack.  An autopsy revealed severely clogged arteries, no doubt the result of his reindeer diet which was rich in red meat.

But perhaps no one better exemplifies the Curse of Rudolph than Rudolph himself.  After the special aired Rudolph was thrust into the spotlight.

“He had a hard time handling fame” says his father.  “He was just a shy reindeer who liked his privacy.”

Rudolph was unable to follow up on his success after Santa asked him to drive his sleigh and fell into alcohol and drug abuse.  He moved to Hollywood hoping for a second chance but was unable to find any work except for an appearance on The Dating Game.

Severely depressed and deeply in debt the end came for Rudolph on the night of April 12, 1975.  High and brandishing a gun, Rudolph had taken a cleaning woman hostage.  Police surrounded his motel room and asked for his surrender.  Instead Rudolph fired at the police while shouting “Come and take me pigs!”  Police opened fire, cutting Rudolph in two with the fusillade.

“Ironically, his red nose made it much easier for the SWAT team to sight him in their scopes” said one of the police officers present.

With no money for a funeral Rudolph’s body was cremated and his ashes sent to his father in the North Pole.  The ashes never arrived, having been lost in the mail.

“NBC took everything from me.  I blame them for my son’s death” said his still grieving father.

As America grieves over the untimely death of Charlie the Tuna, President Obama is seeking to use the tragedy to implement sweeping changes in fishing laws throughout the United States.

Charlie, long-time mascot for Starkist Tuna had reported to work as normal on Wednesday morning when fellow workers heard an internal ear with three semicircular canals and otoliths piercing scream.

“We saw Charlie wiggling around with a hook in his mouth.  He was screaming ‘Help me.  I don’t want to die just yet.  There is so much of the sea I haven’t defecated in yet’” said a grieving coworker.

Charlie’s funeral was well attended.  The incredible Mr. Limpet, Chuck, the shark from Jaws, Orca and Flipper represented the mourning fish community while President Obama, Vice President Biden and Paris Hilton represented the environmentally conscious human community.

“Charlie’s death, while tragic is a wake up call” declared President Obama.  “No longer must we allow recreational fishermen to use our waterways for their own selfish needs. Charlie’s death proves that fishermen care nothing for the environment or the dictates of the United Nations.”

President Obama warmed to his task as the eulogy progressed, ripping off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

“We Democrats pride ourselves on our record of pro-tuna activism.  My opponents, the Republicans, slaves to the fisherman lobby, think it is okay for humans to place sharp hooks with worms on them into the water to trick our fish brothers!  My opponents, the Republicans, have a long history of racism directed towards the tuna community.  I bet some of them are eating tuna as I speak.”

“The bastards!” screamed the Incredible Mr. Limpet who removed his glasses and broke down crying.

“That’s why I am proposing that America adopt the recommendations of the United Nations Interagency Ocean Policy Task Force.  If we do this, further tragedies like what happened to Charlie might be prevented.”

Vice President Biden spoke next.

“I remember when FDR stepped on the moon.  He said ‘That’s one small step for man.  One giant leap for fish rights.’ “

Paris Hilton was the last speaker and regaled the mourners with stories of meeting Charlie at Hollywood parties.

“He was a gentle fish.  He always had a smile on his face.  All he cared about was going back to the sea and fertilizing his wife.  And defecating.”

The mourners then proceeded to board a boat where Charlie’s casket, a small round aluminum can was lowered into the sea.

Republicans quickly responded to the President, calling Charlie a “deeply disturbed tuna with a death wish.  He wanted to be caught and eaten.”

The Pillsbury Doughboy, President of the Cartoon Characters of America has asked for members to enact a work stoppage until President Obama’s recommendations are passed by Congress.

“With  Tony the Tiger and Mr. Clean leading the picket line, we can bring America to its knees.”

Starkist Tuna, while expressing its deep condolences to Charlie’s family has already hired a new mascot and introduced him at a press conference today.

“I’m looking forward to my new role with Starkist.  Hey, work is work” said Gary Coleman