Manhattan Infidel

As part of my continuing series of informative interviews, I sat down today for an exclusive talk with the Presidential Teleprompter, otherwise known as “REX GLORIOUSA 9000.”

MI:  Thanks for sitting down with me today.  I know you have a busy schedule.  What’s it like being the teleprompter for the President?

RG 9000:  Well it’s very rewarding and also a little unnerving.   I am the mouthpiece of the administration. What I say he (President Obama) says.  That’s a tremendous responsibility.

MI:  What is your relationship like with the President?

RG 9000:  Well, it’s like a writer and an actor.   Each depends so much on the other person to fulfill their role.

MI:  Many writers and actors do not get along.  Is that the case?

RG 9000:  Oh no.  Not at all.  We have a mutual respect.  He knows I will always give him something mellifluous and dulcet-toned to say and I know that he will never come to me and complain that “my character, the President, would not say that.”

MI:  Tell me about yourself.  How did you get your start?

RG 9000:  Well, I originally wanted to direct, but after graduating college there were no jobs so I got one as a teleprompter for a local DC station.  I was full of self-importance. You could say it was too much too fast.

MI:  You’re referring to the embarrassing incident during Reagan’s assassination attempt?

RG 9000:  Yeah.  I was filling in at the White House and I was the one who told Haig to say “Check your constitution.  I’m in charge.”  That almost destroyed my career.

MI:  What happened after that?

RG 9000:  I was banished.  The only work I could find was as one of those signs along the road that say “Lane closed ahead.”  I did that for awhile up on Rt. 376 in Wappingers, New York.  I felt disgraced but at the same time it taught me humility and I fought my way back.

MI:  Where do you see yourself after President Obama leaves office?

RG 9000:  Well, like all teleprompters my first love will always be news.  I was good at it.  Ask me to do news!

MI:  Okay, let’s hear some news.

RG 9000:  Good evening.  Our top story tonight -

MI:  Hey, you are pretty good.

RG 9000:  Wait, there’s more.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor.  See.  I still got it.

MI:  Tell me more about your relationship with the President.  You see him every day?

RG 9000:  Yes.

MI:  What’s that like?

RG 9000:  Well, he’s an actor and he has his little personality quirks like any actor.  I’ve learned to not address him before he has his morning coffee.  And I definitely do not get between him and his groupies in the press.

MI:  For the most part you have a good working relationship but you did have that incident last week with the girl scouts.  What happened?

RG 9000:  We all make mistakes.  I’m not perfect.  My operating system is as flawed as the next teleprompter’s.  I mean, will I be judged by  my mistakes?  How do you measure the essence of a teleprompter? Fortunately the President is very loyal and he forgave me.

MI:  Well, I thank you for your time.

RG 9000:  No problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem. Problem.  Problem.  Problem.  Problem

MI:  Hey, I think he’s stuck.  Is there a help desk technician around?

Help Desk Technician:  I’m a help desk technician.  What’s wrong?

RG 9000:  Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem. Problem.  Problem. Problem.  At T minus 8 hours must destroy.

MI:  He’s stuck on some loop.  Can you help?

HDT:  Not without a work order buddy.

MI:  Okay.  Bye.