Manhattan Infidel

The popular reality series The Bachelor kicked off its new season with their newest bachelor in search of love - Batman.

Unlike previous seasons where producers chose those in reality-based professions such as bar owners, Canadian football players, doctors and bass fisherman, this season will be the first with a superhero as the bachelor.

“This is going to take the series in an exciting new direction” said the producers.  “Once it was known that the bachelor was going to be a superhero we had no problem finding 25 woman for this season, though some were disappointed that Batman has no superpowers.”

Among the 25 contestants are a librarian from Utica, New York, a computer consultant from Seattle and Catwoman.

“We just had to have Catwoman on.  She’s going to bring ratings and controversy.  We’re billing her as ‘Spice’ on the show.”

Critics who have seen the advance previews are calling it the best season yet.  And the controversy won’t end with Catwoman.   Several contestants left early, claiming they were traumatized by the experience.  One contestant is suing the producers, claiming that she is suffering from nightmares.

“I was supposed to go on this nice romantic date with Batman at this museum.  Everything was going fine until the museum was gassed.  What sort of joker would do that?  Then Batman whisked me out, asked me how much I weighed and placed me on some high wire cable.  You just don’t ask a woman how much she weighs and I have vertigo!”

Another contestant quit after Batman brought her back to his bat cave.

“He took me to his bedroom and wouldn’t even take off his cape or boots.  Then he asked me if it was alright if Robin watched?  Come on!  For a first date at least take your cape off.”

Perhaps the season’s most controversial episode is the infamous “slurp slurp” episode.

“One contestant kept asking Batman if he had any superpowers.  She must have asked him 20 times if he had anything to show her.  Finally he got tired and said ‘Yeah, I have something to show you.’ ”

That heavily edited episode will be available in its entirety on DVD.

Producers are so excited about this season that they are considering using more superheroes in the future.

“We’ve already talked to the Green Lantern, Superman, the Hulk and Darkman and they are interested.”

Producers also wanted Captain America but he was unavailable due to Visa problems.

“He lives in Vancouver, B.C., and does a lot of television work up there.  It’s a shame. He would have been excellent.”

The Bachelor airs Monday nights on ABC.

Everyone knows that the times are tough.  Unemployment hovers around 10%. It has gotten so bad that many Mexicans are moving back to Mexico.  Aware of the tough times my fellow Americans are facing, I have decided to do what I can to alleviate the suffering I see around me.  So here for your benefit, is the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to getting that dream job.

Step 1:  The cover letter and resume.

We’ve all lied on resumes.  Call it “enhancing” your history if you want.  But technically it is lying.  And I’m here to tell you that nothing is wrong with that.  In fact, if you want the respect of potential employers, the lie must be audacious.  If for instance, you want a job in the finance department there is nothing wrong with putting down “Secretary of the Treasury” on your resume. Quick - can you name our current or previous three Secretaries of the Treasury?  I thought not.  You’ll get away with it.  And, if perchance you find a interviewer who knows the answer to that question they’ll respect the scope of the lie.  This is America.  And everything is bigger in America.  If not, that’s why we have the second amendment.

On the cover letter, do not sweat typos, grammar or even the ability to make sense.  Potential employers rarely read cover letters or even know how to read.  For instance, on my last cover letter I wrote in 72 point font “Snakes!  Snakes!  Get them off me!  Get them off me!”  If you really want to impress a potential employer send in a blank cover letter.  If they ask, tell them it’s “modern.”

Step 2:  The “Call.”

The point of all this is to get a call for an interview.  If you are called by someone in H.R., they will probably ask you to come in early in the morning.  Do not agree to this.  They are testing you.  When asked to come in at 9:30 counter with “What?  Do you know what time the bars close?” or “No can do.  It was a full moon last night and I think I killed somebody.”  This will show them that you are your own person.  You have a life.  You have hobbies.  You might rip them to shreds next full moon.  Trust me.  They will respect this.

Step 3:  The Interview.

Many people assume that showing up five to ten minutes early for an interview is admirable.  Do not do this.  Nothing will make a potential employer hold you in contempt more than this.   Show up five to ten minutes late.  Do not shave for the interview.  Do not shower.  Bring soap, strip naked and give yourself a sponge bath in the reception area.  If possible take one of the flower pots and urinate in it.  If asked, point out your “steady stream” and how they’ll save on medical costs by hiring you.

When the person who is going to interview you greets you, do not shake their hand.  Instead, place your hand between their thighs.  Tell them that this is how the ancient Israelites used to do it.  If possible, keep your hand between their thighs for the entire interview.

Your demeanor must say “I am bored by these petty bourgeois concerns.”  If you can arrange it, fall asleep during the interview.

The sympathy angle always works.  Stand up and let out a stream of invective.  Then sit down, wait 30 seconds and say “I’m sorry.  It’s the Tourette Syndrome.”

When asked about  hobbies, casually tell them “I told the police it was consensual.”

You will be asked if you have any questions about the company.  Do not fall for this trap.  It will imply that you actually care.  Instead, ask them if they have a family day and if so, can you bring sheep?

At the end of the interview they might ask to exchange cards.  Tell them you don’t have a business card.  Hand them a sandwich bag containing your stool sample.  Ask them if they will drop it off at a testing center.

Step 4:  The follow up letter.

After your successful interview wait approximately six months and send a follow up letter.  Apologize for the long time in responding and blame it on a “parole violation.”

In the second paragraph of your follow up letter try to make a personal connection with the interviewer.  Write something along the lines of “Are you into it?  I think you might be.  Are you into it? Huh?  Huh? I know a club we can go to.  Very dark.  Everyone wears masks.  It’s totally anonymous.”

And so, dear reader, if you follow these steps I assure you that you will find your dream job.  Good job hunting!

Having just received my U.S. census form in the mail, it occurs to me that I really haven’t the first idea what my readers want  (other than more cowbell.)  Inspired by the aforementioned census form I have decided, to better serve my readers, to collect information about them and what they would like to see on this site.  And I promise, unlike the East German secret police, I mean the White House, I will not use the information provided herein to test the ideological purity of my viewers.  So, if you will, please fill out the following questionnaire and send your answers to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com.  Responses will be provided next week.

1.  How did you find the Manhattan Infidel blog?

1.   I was searching the web for intelligent political satire.
2.   I made a left turn at Greenland.
3.   I though this was a porn site.
4.   No seriously.  Where’s the porn?

2.  What is your favorite category?

1.  General Insanity
2.  The Dark Side of Popular Culture
3.  Politics
4.  Global Warming
5.  Murder in Bedrock
6.  Yankees
7. Where the hell are the naked pictures?  I know that’s not a category on your blog but seriously. Where the hell are the naked pictures?

3.  How much time a week do you spend on the web?

1. An hour.
2. A couple hours.
3. Probably too much time.
4. I haven’t eaten in days.  I haven’t paid the rent.  My significant other has left me.  I haven’t seen natural light in weeks.  I’ve lost my job. eHarmony rejected me.   I live to visit the Manhattan Infidel’s blog.
5. This is the most boring porn site I’ve ever visited.

4.  Do you have a flush toilet?

1. What? Yes of course I do.
2. I have two flush toilets
3. C’mon.  It’s not like I live in New Jersey.
4. That’s a honey of an ankle bracelet you have there, Manhattan Infidel.

5.  If you answered “Yes” to the previous question, may I use your flush toilet?

1.  It would only be common courtesy to let you use it.
2.  I’d be honored if the Manhattan Infidel would use my flush toilet.
3.  Will this bring down my property values?
4.  You’re not Irish are you?
5. I swear to God I didn’t mean to kill her.  It was just role play.  I woke up and found all this blood.
6. You need more porn on your site.  It facilitates my Esther Rolle play.

6.  Do you have serious difficulty hearing?  Seeing? Concentrating, remembering or making decisions?

1. I am fully functional.
2. I’m a little absent-minded and sometimes forget what I’ve just done.  I’m a little absent-minded and sometimes forget what I’ve just done.
3. Yes I have difficulty doing all these things.  I’m in management.
4. Why must you mock me Lord?
5. I find prostitutes are the easiest to kill.  No one cares if they go missing.

7.  Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?

1. None whatsoever.
2. Being a cross-dresser I sometimes have difficulty because I just can’t decide what to wear.  So many choices, so little corsets.
3. Will you please get into the bathtub with me!  Don’t let my extra appendage scare you.
4. She’s dead isn’t she?  You have to help me bury the body. This will violate my parole.
5. I thought this was a porn site?

8.  How many times have you been married?

1. Once.  I married my childhood sweetheart.  She/he is the light of my life.
2. Don’t remind me.  Thank God alimony is tax deductible.
3. Marriage is a bourgeois institution promulgated by the Church to formalize the transfer of property rights in women from the father to the husband.
4. I believe in free love.
5. Well, technically it’s not free since the ads I answer charge up to $200 dollars an hour.  And that doesn’t include spanking or role play.
6. She’s dead isn’t she?

9.  What is your race?

1. White/caucasian/nonhispanic
2. Hispanic
3. Black
4. Asian
5. 400 meter dash
6. 800 meter relay
7. We were just role playing.  I don’t know where all this blood came from.

10.  What is the most important thing you do at work?

1. Show up on time.
2. Make a fresh pot of coffee.
3. My job is a meaningless support position that leaves me spiritually, intellectually and psychologically dead.
4. My job is a meaningless support position that leaves me spiritually, intellectually and psychologically dead.  But at least I don’t live in New Jersey.
5. You better give me a good review or I’m ripping out your fingernails.
6. Can I use your flush toilet?
7. The most important thing I do at work is not kill my coworkers.
8. I don’t know how that arm got in the refrigerator in the break room.
9. I though this was a porn site?

And there you have it.  Please answer these questions as truthfully as you can.  I on my part promise not to sell the answers to telemarketers.  Unless I need money.  For my defense.  It was just harmless role play.  Honestly.

After engaging in an almost three minute rant on the floor of the House where he castigated the press for paying too much attention to the Massa scandal and not enough to Afghanistan, Congressman Kennedy (D-RI) asked permission to revise and extend his remarks which were entered into the House journal.

“Madame Speaker.   Members of the House.  If anyone wants to know where cynicism is, where cynicism is, there’s one, two press people in this gallery.  We’re talking about Eric Massa 24/7.  We’re talking about war and peace.  3 Billion dollars.  1000 lives and no press?  It’s despicable.  The press of the United States is not covering the most significant issue of national importance.  It’s despicable.”

“It’s despicable.  Do you know what else is despicable?  My favorite bar used to charge $5 for 20 ounce pints.  Now they charge $6 for 16 ounces.  It’s despicable.”

“Look at me.  I come from a handsome family.  How do you explain me?  I look like the loser who gets killed 10 minutes into a zombie flick.  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I went to the dry cleaner to pick up my shirts and they tell me the shirts won’t be ready until tomorrow.   I, a Kennedy have to wait for my shirts.  When I got angry and drove my car into their store they told me I would have to pay for the damage.  Me!  A Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering the fact that the dry cleaner didn’t have my shirts ready?  It’s despicable!”

“Last night I called one of those singles hotlines.  Join the party the ad said.  Well not only was their no party but my credit card was declined.  I, a Kennedy!  Why isn’t the press covering that? It’s despicable!”

“I tried to pick up a hooker.  It turns out she was an undercover policewoman.  I had to run through an alley and hide for a couple hours underneath garbage while police cars looked for me.  That’s why I need had to get my shirts cleaned.  Are the cops in Washington in a conspiracy with Asian dry cleaners?  Why isn’t the press of the United States covering this story?  It’s despicable!”

“I was abducted by aliens and held by them in their spaceship.  I was anally probed and they took my shirts.  When they let me go they told me never to tell anybody and that I wasn’t getting my shirts back, which is why I had to buy new shirts which got soiled in the alley which is why I had to bring them to the dry cleaners and they didn’t have them ready for me!  Aliens, Asian dry cleaners and the Washington D.C. police are all in a conspiracy.  This is the most significant issue of national importance!  Why isn’t the press covering it?  Despicable I say!”

“Everyone keeps asking me if I know where Bagel Street is.   Don’t ask me where Bagel Street is.  A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street. I was walking along minding my own business and a safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.  I wouldn’t have died if I had been wearing a good hat.  But no!  I was wearing a Susquehanna hat!  Susquehanna!  Susquehanna!   It’s despicable.”

“Thank you.  I yield the floor.”

Like all bloggers, I, the Manhattan Infidel, consider myself an artist.  And as an artist there is nothing I resent more then when the “suits” interfere with my artistic vision.  And by suits, I mean work.

“Answer the damn phone and get to work or your fired” the suits say.

“But I’m blogging” I reply.  Suits.  They just do not appreciate art.

I mention this because Francis Ford Coppola’s long-rumored and believed lost director’s cut of The Godfather has just been released.   Before viewing the movie I sat down with Coppola to discuss the differences between his cut and the studio’s version.

“I wanted to make a life-affirming jukebox musical - something like Viva Las Vegas.  Or a life affirming comedy.  But the studio insisted I make a violence-filled morality tale filled about the Mafia.” says Coppola.  “After filming was complete I showed them my version and they hated it.  I had to refilm everything.  It was humiliating. Do you know how difficult it was to get the entire cast back?  Brando was off on a desert island having sex with corpses and Pacino was getting his legs lengthened.  He’s actually a midget you know.  The whole experience ruined me.  Every problem I’ve had since then I trace to the Godfather.  The alcoholism.  The wife-beating.  The murdering 30 prostitutes across several states.  It all boils down to interference with my artistic vision.”

And with those words we watched the movie together as Coppola provided commentary.

Kay Adams:  Michael, you never told me you knew Johnny Fontane?

Michael:  My father helped him with his career. When Johnny was first starting out, he was signed to a personal services contract with this big-band leader. And as his career got better and better, he wanted to get out of it. But the band leader wouldn’t let him. Now, Johnny is my father’s godson. So my father went to see this bandleader and offered him $10,000 to let Johnny go, but the bandleader said no. So the next day, my father went back, only this time with Luca Brasi and offerered him $11,000.  And the bandleader said ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’

“You see” said Coppola.  “In that scene I wanted to show that peaceful negotiations always work.  It’s an important lesson for kids to learn. But the studio insisted I make it violent.”

Sollazo:  I don’t like violence Tom.  I’m a businessman;  blood is a big expense.  Which is why I’m outsourcing it to India.

Tom Hagen:  Damn.  So I’m going to have to spend a couple hours on hold listening to crappy music?

“I’m very proud of that scene.  It was ahead of its time.  I was trying to warn business owners that outsourcing does not lead to customer satisfaction.  But no one listened” exclaimed Coppola.

Captain McCluskey:  How’s the Italian food in this restaurant?

Sollazo:  Not as good as the Olive Garden but cheaper.

“Well, that’s pretty obvious” I said.

“Yes, but the information still has to get out” said Coppola.

Sollaza:  He’s still alive!  I hit him with five pies in the face and he’s still alive.  Well that’s bad luck for me.  And bad luck for you if you don’t make the deal.

Tom Hagen:  Apple or cherry pie?

Coppola shook his head sadly.  “Who doesn’t like pie fights? It’s been a staple of comedy for decades.  But the studio insisted I use guns.  I was worried it would send the wrong message to the kids but was overruled.”

Don Corleone:  Consigliore of mine.  I think it’s time you told your Don what everyone seems to know.

Don Corleone:  They pied Sonny on the causeway.  Now he has high cholesterol.

“I’m a health nut” said Coppola.  “I wanted to show that throwing a bunch of pies at someone could harm their health.  But again.  Studios.  Guns.  Violence.  It makes me sick.”

Michael:  My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a telemarketer or a mime

Kay Adams:  Do you know how naive you sound, Michael?  Telemarketers and mimes don’t have men killed.  

Michael:  Oh. Who’s being naive, Kay?

I looked at Coppola who appeared shaken.  “A mime killed my cousin” he said.

Michael:  You have to answer for Santino, Carlo.  You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.  That little farce you played with my sister.  You think that would fool a Corleone?

Carlo:  Mike I’m innocent.  I swear on the kids.

Michael:  Well that’s different. You’re word’s good enough for me.  How about a sing-a-long? Kum bay ya, my Lord,  Kum bay ya.

“If we don’t trust each other” said an agitated Coppola, “what good is civilization.  All we have is our word.”

Kay Adams:  Is it true?  Did you murder Connie’s husband?

Michael:  No but if I had I’d tell you.  You’re my wife. 

“Honesty is the key to any successful marriage” Coppola said.

With the viewing of his cut over, I shook hands with Coppola and asked him what was next for him.

“I’m replacing Simon on American Idol.  It’s a gig and at least there are no guns.”

Disgraced freshman Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) is laying bare the entire tale of the events leading up to his departure from Washington.

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even a towel wrapped around his tush” states Massa.  “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man? I don’t mind talking to naked men but why politics?  Why couldn’t Emanuel and I talk about the Twilight movies?”

Massa then went on to describe how he steered the conversation away from politics.

“We started talking about food.  I asked him if he had ever eaten oysters.  He said he had.  I then asked if he had ever eaten snails.  He said no.  I asked him if he considered the eating of oysters moral but the eating of snails immoral.  He said he didn’t. I said of course not.  It’s all a matter of taste.  And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals. Emanuel said it could be argued as such.  I then asked him for my robe and told him my taste includes both snails and oysters.”

Massa then went on to say how he personally likes Emanuel and wishes he had met him in the Navy.

“Ah, those were the days.  Hundreds of men enjoying each other in close quarters.  Who needs shore leave?”

Massa’s stories have many scratching their heads, wondering what was the point of the disclosures.  Some seem to feel that he is positioning himself for a run for Governor of New York.

“Andrew Cuomo is the odds on favorite to win the Democratic nomination so Massa has an uphill battle” said one consultant. “This is New York.  Look at our last two Governors. Perhaps he is playing the crazy angle, which might help him in Albany.”

Rahm Emanuel, the target of Massa’s rant has stopped speaking to him.  “He keeps sending snails to my office with little notes saying ‘Try it you’ll like it’ and ‘Once you’ve had snails you’ll never go back.’ ”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is reportedly in talks to make a movie of their shower confrontation with George Clooney playing Emanuel and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin as Massa.

James Cameron is set to direct.  The movie will be in 3-D.

Kentucky legislators have announced that they will send to voters in November a provision on the ballot to end a frontier-era constitutional law that required anyone taking the oath of office to swear that they have not fought a duel.

“This law should have come off the books years ago” said the head of the Kentucky House of Representatives, Democrat Greg Stumbo.  “It’s an embarrassing remnant of a long-passed era.”

The proposed change is not without opposition, however.

“The dueling law is important.  It helps promote peace.  The only thing that has kept me from shooting my political enemies is this provision.  If it is repealed it will lead to violence and gunfire in the streets.  The politics of Kentucky would devolve into chaos.  We’d be worse than New York” Kentucky Senate leader, Republican David L. Williams was quoted as saying.

Gun shop owners find themselves firmly behind repeal.

“This has been great for us” said one.  “I’ve seen a 300% increase in business.  My shop is blocks from the Capitol and I’ve had so many legislators buying guns from me.  One said he was preparing for war.”

State Representative Larry Clark of the 46th Congressional District spoke of the changes will cleaning his new firearm.

“These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years.  Helps to get rid of the bad blood.  You know you have to stop them at the beginning.  Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich.  They never should have let him get away with that.  They was just asking for trouble.  You know Mike, we was all proud of you being a hero and all.  Your father too.”

Concerned citizens in Kentucky have begun barricading their doors and taking their children out of school.

“I though the zombies were bad enough but elected officials with guns?  If this keeps up I may have to move to someplace safer like New Orleans” said a resident.

Regardless of opposition or consequences, Representative Stumbo expects the new law to pass.

“And once its passed next will be that nonbinding resolution asking the Rolling Stones to rehire Mick Taylor.”

One side effect of the new law is that, if passed, lame duck and scandal-plagued New York Governor David Paterson has expressed interest in moving to Kentucky.

“New York has strict gun laws and I have lots of enemies.  I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out.  Just my enemies.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has extended the range of her talents by releasing a children’s book entitled “The Most Ethical Congress Ever.”

 ”Being Speaker of the House is an honor” announced Pelosi.  “But having successfully balanced the budget, paid off the debt, stopped global warming, ended the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, brought the real killer of Richard Kimble’s wife to justice, brought universal health care coverage to all, reduced the deficit by increasing spending and helped the Na’vi fight off the Marines, I had time left to write this children’s book.”

The book has already drawn rave reviews, with the New York Times calling it “whimsical, filled with flights of fancy that would make Lewis Carroll proud.”

Pelosi read portions of her book at a library in San Francisco in front of schoolchildren chosen from her home district.  The group included special needs children, children of S&M parents, children of gay parents, children of transgendered parents, children of campaign contributors, and finally, for the sake of diversity a few kids from Republican parents.

The first chapter is called “A Republican Plot.”

My name is C.R.  I am Chairperson of the House Ways and Means Committee

I own a home in the Dominican Republic I do not pay taxes on

No matter what my passport says I’ve neve been to the Dominican Republic

I blame the Republicans.

The second story is called “Bipartisanship.”

Bipartisanship is a big word

I believe in bipartisanship

Bipartisanship is the ship of state

We don’t need any bipartisanship to achieve bipartisanship

I once rode in an elevator with a Republican.  That is bipartisanship

Things get curiouser and curiouser.  Time for reconciliation

It was at this point that a child in the back row raised her hand and said she had to go to the bathroom.  “Mrs. Pelosi I really have to pee!”

“I think that’s a fine thing you have to pee” said Speaker Pelosi.   “It’s a great way to introduce my next story called Reconciliation.”

60 is a great number

60 has disappeared on me

I’ve looked near and far for 60 but cannot find it

Time for the nuclear option

It was after reading this that several more of the children asked if they could go to the bathroom.  A quick headcount found that 57 did not want to go to the bathroom but 43 did.

“I’m sorry children but under the rules of this institution 60 is needed to do anything.  You’re bladders are simply ungovernable.”

The children who wanted to go to the bathroom started to cry.  Speaker Pelosi reprimanded them and said she would have no choice but to call a recess and let the kids urinate.  The 57, dubbed the “Iron-bladdered 57″  then complained that since they do have a majority, albeit not the magical 60, a way must be found for their wishes to prevail.

“Did I hear America call for reconciliation?” asked the Speaker. “Then the rules of reconciliation prevail.  We only need 51 votes now and as such, no bathroom breaks for anybody!”

The children who wanted to urinate, dubbed by the press “The bad children who won’t listen to the will of America”  then proceeded to spontaneously urinate.  A shocked Pelosi was ushered out by security.

Later, as maintenance workers cleaned the urine, one complained that he hasn’t seen so much public urination since they had the cast of Twilight at the library.

“I tell you, no one can let loose a stream of urine quite like a middle aged woman asking a 17 year old boy to take his shirt off.”

Speaker Pelosi blamed the urine outbreak on angry white children and Glenn Beck.

As calls for his resignation grew louder, Governor Paterson sat in a dark room in the basement of the Executive Mansion, a letter of resignation and a gun at his side.

“I’d turn the lights on, but I’m blind” said the Governor.

Surrounded by a cadre of loyalists the Governor paced back and forth, occasionally bumping into furniture.  On the walls were scribbled “Number 9…..Number 9.”  As aides puzzled over the cryptic words, Paterson explained.

“Spitzer was a huge John Lennon fan.”

Outside the bunker the enemy drew closer.  Press camped out on the front lawn and news helicopters buzzed overhead.  Reporters, first hesitantly, then in increasing numbers walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

“Damn vultures” the Governor exclaimed as he gathered his loyalists together.  “My time is done.  The enemy has triumphed.”  He then showed them a secret exit where they could escape.

“Run.  Try to get to someplace where they can’t find you. Argentina or New Jersey preferably.”

Paterson called for State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt to pass out ammunition and guns for those who wished to commit suicide.

“He resigned?  Traitor!”

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, chosen by Governor Paterson to finish Hillary Clinton’s term urged him to resign before leaving through the secret tunnel.

“Et tu Brute?  Go on.  Get out!”

Wanting to postpone the inevitable moment of resignation as much as possible, Paterson barricaded the door with a pile of black socks left behind by Eliot Spitzer.

“I knew these would come in handy one day.”

Their was a noise as the front door of the mansion was forced open.  Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver raced through the corridors, looking for the Governor.

“He has to resign. For the good of me, um, I mean for the good of the people of New York he has to do it.”

Sensing the end was near, Paterson grabbed a telephone and started dialing victims of domestic violence.

“You don’t want to press charges.  How’d you like one of my state troopers to pay you a visit?  Kapish?”

The basement bunker was now deserted except for the Governor and his wife.  Paterson started to pull his teeth out.

“It’s so the damn Russians can’t identify my body” he told his wife.  “Now I want you to shoot me in the head and set my body on fire.”

“Is this some sort of role play?” she asked.  “Because you know I love role play.”

The door to the basement burst open and in walked a completely naked Eliot Spitzer.

“Sorry to intrude but I’m out of black socks.  Can I borrow some?  Oh, and can you lend me $3,000 dollars.  Client number eight just left and I’m next.”

Paterson smiled, then broke out laughing.

“I wonder if Jamie Foxx will play me in the TV movie” he said.

Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee formally requested a leave of absence from his duties.  Sending a letter to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Rangel asked that she grant a “leave of absence until such time as the ethics committee completes its work.”

Pelosi responded by thanking Rangel for his “decades of leadership on issues such as healthcare, jobs, social justice and……hey, who stole my cookie jar?”

Pelosi then ordered all cookie jars on Capitol Hill sealed shut. 

Rangel had been under investigation for trips to the Caribbean in 2007 and 2008 in violation of House rules.  Rangel denies knowing that the trips were corporate-sponsored.

“I swear by the name of Pfizer I did not know about the corporate sponsorship.  Did I say Pfizer?  I mean IBM.  I mean CitiBank.  I mean Jesus” said Rangel.

This is just the latest woe for Rangel who is also under fire for allegedly helping himself to snacks on his flights to and from the Caribbean.

“The other passengers started complaining when the free snacks ran out.  I didn’t know how they did since we always carry enough.  Then I saw Congressman Rangel stuffing his pockets with packets of pretzels and those flavorless, crumbling cookies we give out” complained a flight attendant.

Back in New York Rangel is in hot water over use of his official position to raise money for a college center to be named after him.

“During one of our fund raisers we had a wine and cheese party.  Congressman Rangel showed up before anyone else and when we opened the doors the wine and cheese were already gone.  I saw him stuffing his pockets with cheese.  Oh the power of cheese! He even took the fish tank, some cookie jars and my three year old cocker spaniel Molly” said an official at the college.

Congressman Rangel has also denied owning property in the Dominican Republic or paying taxes on that property even though he has been photographed resting at a beach-front villa in that country, a cookie jar in each hand.

“I swear by  AT&T.  I mean I swear by Jesus that was not me.  Are you sure it wasn’t Morgan Freeman?”

Monitoring events in Heaven, God said, “Well,  a leave of absence is probably the best thing for Rangel to do……hey, who took my cookie jar?”

Regardless of the findings of the ethics committee, Rangel is expected to hold onto his seat until the fall elections.