Manhattan Infidel

It only took 15 months, but Manhattan Infidel has moved into position as the 1,345,824th most popular blog in America, beating out stiff competition from the Pictures of Duct Tape blog.

The American Institute of Blog Rankings announced the findings today at their annual dinner.

When reached for comment, the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel said “How did you call me?  Seriously.  How did you call me? My phone was disconnected weeks ago” before asking reporters if they “happened to have any dry pants?  I’ve soiled all mine and I used the quarters I was saving for laundry at the peep show.”

Manhattan Infidel has a colorful history.  When launched in February 2009 the blog was listed at 7,633,581st on the list of popular blogs, behind “Up Close Photos of Herpes Sores”, “The Wisdom of Rosie O’Donnell” and “Up Close Photos of Rosie O’Donnell’s Herpes Sores.”

Soon however the blog started its climb to the top.  In June a milestone was reached as Manhattan Infidel passed “MSNBC Programming Highlights”  to reach no. 4,000,001 on the list, barely missing an opportunity to knock off the popular “My Cat Does Funny Things” from the 4,000,000 position.

And there things stood until recently.  Manhattan Infidel was unable to dislodge My Cat Does Funny Things.

“I blame the photos of cats chasing string. Who can resist that” said the Manhattan Infidel.

Fully aware the he needed a new strategy if he was to move up in the blogger universe, Manhattan Infidel consulted Charlie Robertson, an unemployed software technician from Troy, New York, who has been credited with created the first “web log” using his AOL account back in 1993.

“Charlie gave me valuable advice.”

Charlie’s advice?  Always give the public what they want.  And if that doesn’t work, give them Duct tape.

“So I started writing about Duct tape, its various uses and how you should always keep Duct tape in your back pocket like MacGyver” said the Manhattan Infidel.

It was then that Manhattan Infidel took off, rapidly leapfrogging such popular blogs as “Cures for Toenail Fungus”, “Internal Plumbing During the Third Reich” and “New York Mets Highlights From the 2009 Season.”

Now that Manhattan Infidel has passed Pictures of Duct Tape, he was asked if his plans for his blog will change.

“Obviously there is no point in writing about Duct tape anymore since I’ve vanquished them. So I intend to spend the next year writing about the history of Band-Aid.”

For those who are interested, the “Pictures of Band-Aids” blog is currently ranked at number 2,374 behind the surprising popular “My Sexual Encounter with Larry King” blog and “The Microsoft Vista Operating Manual as Interpreted by Mimes.”

Despite winning the game and taking a 3-2 lead in the World Series against arch-rival the Brooklyn Dodgers, Yankee manager Casey Stengel faces criticism for removing Don Larsen.  Larsen, who had been pitching a perfect game, was removed after  6 2/3 innings in favor of a relief pitcher.

Bombarded with reporters after the game, Stengel shrugged and said, “Look, Larsen’s pitch count was getting pretty high.  And we have 13 relief pitchers on the post season roster.  They’re here for a reason.  I intend to use them.”

When asked if he could have pitched into the 9th, Larsen told reporters, “Of course I could have.  C’mon.  I was feeling good. What was the purpose of taking me out of the game?”  Larsen then called Stengel an “old white guy who time has passed by.”

Home plate umpire Babe Pinelli also criticized Stengel’s move.

“Taking him out only slows the game down.  At that point the game was already  an hour and 40 minutes long and we were still in the 7th inning.  That’s way too long for a baseball game. If this (removing pitchers) keeps up, games might go over 2 hours.  And nobody wants that.”

Indeed the game clocked in at a disgraceful two hours and six minutes, causing many in the stands to grow restless and leave.

Despite the criticism, Stengel stands behind his decision.

“It was time to take Larsen out.  Pee Wee Reese was up for Brooklyn.  Stats show that he bats .295 against right-handed pitchers in the 7th inning when it’s 75 degrees outside.  He only bats .282 against left-handed pitchers in the 7th inning when it’s 75 degrees.  Stats don’t lie.”

Stengel’s reliance on stats, dubbed “Casey Ball” by reporters is destroying the game according to  Brooklyn manager Walter Alston.

“If this keeps up soon we’ll be playing games indoors or in Canada” he said to laughs of disbelief.

Stengel left the clubhouse early to meet with Commissioner Ford Frick to discuss his plan to install “artificial turf” on baseball fields.  “I call it ‘astro-turf’ “ said Stengel.

As for Larsen, he has been fined $300 dollars for his remarks regarding Stengel.

“Where am I going to get $300 dollars? I don’t have $300 dollars.  I’m a baseball player.  I don’t even make that much a week” said a distraught Larsen.

President Obama today announced a 800 billion dollar Federal program  to oversee the United States’ transition to more environmentally friendly and socially conscious sexual activity.

“All over the United States, people are engaging in male-centered expressions of bodily regeneration.  People are using positions that enforce a mindset of submissiveness to the male-centered social order. This must stop.  I have been given a mandate, er, I’m sorry, a persondate by the American people to change society.  I intend to do this” declared President Obama.

Under the newly-created Socially Conscious and Environmentally Friendly Reproductive Act sex positions that the Government deems to be counterproductive to progressive values will be banned.  Among those positions will be fellatio.

“I realize many men like this.  But it must stop. It is nonempowering for the female, who is forced to perform this while on her knees. Obviously this is not a position of equality.”

Under the terms of the Act, before sexual relations commence, a series of consensual verbal declarations will have to be said.  If these are not said, the sexual act will be deemed “invalid” by the Government and subject to fine.

The verbal declarations will take this form:

Male:  Hello woman who is my equal.  I am pleased to engage in egalitarian sex with you that does not include fellatio

Female:  Hello male who is my equal and no longer my master.  I too am pleased to engage in sex acts of equality that do not include fellatio.

Male: Then let us proceed forthwith.

Female:  Do you care about my orgasm?

Male:  Yes.  Let us proceed forthwith.

Note:  The male has the option of saying no at this point.  However if he says no the sex act cannot legally proceed.  It is not expected many men will utilize this choice.

After the sex act has been consummated partners will say the following:

Male:  Go in peace my partner in equality.  

Female:  The sex act has ended without fellatio.  Let us go forth and be conscious of our impact on the environment.

 The new form of sex has been used on an experimental basis in selected districts and the feedback has been “overwhelmingly positive.”  The only negative reactions have been from men.

Enforcing the new Act will entail placing surveillance devices in all households in the United States.  The Federal Government will begin installing the devices after the new fiscal year begins.

New York City’s carriage horses, popular with tourists, have called off their strike after winning significant concessions.

“This is a victory for working horses everywhere” said the leader of the horse strike, who goes by the name of Traveler.  “No longer will the man get rich upon the backs of tired, oppressed horses.  And I mean that literally.”

Under the Pact the International Horsehood of Teamsters will now be recognized by the City.

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters that given the City’s financial condition he would have preferred not to recognize the union but he didn’t have a choice.

“The horses are ruthless negotiators.  They kept crapping on my front lawn.  All day and night.  The stench got to me I guess.  Well, it could be worse.  At least they weren’t smoking.”

Also conceded are living conditions for the carriage horses.  All horses now will have larger stalls to go home to after work.  One horse said that it was about time.

“It’s all about horse dignity.  When I get home from work and remove my manure-catching device I want to be able to stretch out and watch some basic cable.  We did win basic cable right?”

When informed that basic cable was not part of the package the horse pulled out a switchblade and said “Whitey is going to pay for this.”

Horses will also now get five weeks vacation a year.

“I’ve already bought my plane ticket” said Traveler.  “I know a hot Cuban girl in Miami I’m going to hook up with.  What?  Can’t your petty bourgeois mind accept the reality of interspecies love?”

The new vacation package seems to be the most popular part of the new collective bargaining agreement, beating out the dental package and the mandatory clean manure-catching device provisions.  Most horses already have specific plans for their five weeks vacation.  One said that he’s “always wanted to crap in all 50 states.”  Another plans to visit a glue factory and pay silent respects to fallen loved ones.

Mayor Bloomberg said he hopes that the new agreement will usher in a “new era of peace in human/horse relationships.”

The pact will expire in 2015.

With the announcement that John Paul Stevens will be retiring from the Supreme Court, speculation was rife as to who President Obama would nominate as his successor.  The wait is over.  In a ceremony in the Rose Garden today President Obama introduced Spock as his choice to be the next justice on the Supreme Court.

“Spock has a distinguished career in the military, as a diplomat and as an intellect.  The Supreme Court would only be fitting as the next step for this brilliant mind” said Obama.

Despite these qualifications, the Republicans are expected to mount a serious effort to derail his nomination.  When asked about this, Spock replied that opposition to him would be “most illogical.”

Perhaps hoping to head off Republican opposition, President Obama touted Spock’s middle of the road judicial philosophy.

“I have not asked for Spock’s opinion on artificial birth control for Tribbles and I ask Congress not to use this as a so-called litmus test.”

Many observers of Washington feel that the nomination of Spock is a brilliant move on the part of the President.

“Given that he (Spock) has spent most of his career outside D.C., hell, outside Earth, he does not have much of a paper trail that can be used against him” said one commentator.

“I had dinner with him the other night and asked him his opinion on prayer in public schools.  All he said was ‘live long and prosper’ which you have to admit is pretty ambiguous.  It could mean he’s judicially conservative.  It could be interpreted as a liberal statement.  It could mean he had too much red wine.  It could have been the fact that Megan Fox was sitting in his lap” said another.

However Spock is not without baggage.  When asked if being a Vulcan will make him more “empathetic”  Spock replied that it would.

“I would hope that with the richness of my Vulcan experience I would come to a different conclusion than Earthers on certain subjects.”

Spock’s former colleagues are lining up in support of nomination.

James T. Kirk said “Of all the souls I have met his was the most human.  And he got almost as much I did.  That’s right. Suck it bitches.”

Leonard McCoy, former Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise stated “I’m a doctor not a politician.  I think he’s out of his Vulcan mind but he should be a good judge.”

Even with his controversial “richness of Vulcan experience” quote Spock’s nomination is expected to pass in the Senate.

“I guess I’ll vote for him” said Mitch McConnell (R-Ky).  “I’ve only met the guy once.  He gave me some sort of neck pinch which knocked me out.  He said it was a Vulcan way of saying hello.”

Throughout the World on the 40th Earth Day concerned citizens rode bikes, planted trees and found ways to reduce their carbon footprint.  But in the rest of the Universe it seems little attention is paid to Earth Day.  In fact it appears that the Earth is downright unpopular.

From his vacation villa, Marvin the Martian commented on Earth Day.

“Celebrate it?  Celebrate it?  Why?  Do Earthers celebrate Mars Day?  You people are so hypocritical.  You’re consumed with reducing your carbon footprint yet you send your garbage up to my planet?  Yeah, I’m talking about your damn Rover and the rest of your crap. They run around this planet bumping into things and taking samples from rocks.  I’m not celebrating your freaking day.  In fact I think I’ll destroy Earth.  It blocks my view of Venus.”

Throughout the Universe the story is the same:  No sympathy for Earth.

From Plutu, Gamamelian VIII,  High Ruler of the Plutonium Empire, Divine Head of the State Religion and Four Time Intergalactic Bowling Champion refused to send emissaries to Earth.

“I don’t want to have anything to do with that place.  They downgraded us!  We are no longer a planet to them.  They disrespected us!”

On Venus a petition was circulated calling for sanctions against Earth.  One citizen commented, “Earth thinks it’s so special.  ‘Oh look at us.  We’re pretty and blue.  We have carbon.  We have water.  We have Taylor Swift.’  We’re sick of your arrogance.”

From Jupiter came protestations of hurt.

“We used to love Earth.  It was like our little brother.  Bu then they started sending space probes right past us without even stopping to say hello.  You know us gas giants have feelings too!  Whoa…..excuse me.  I’m feeling stopped up.”

Mercury refuses even to speak to Earth.

“They talk about global warming and I’m sitting here frying my butt off closest to the Sun.  Bunch of whiners Earth is.  I hope they get hit by an asteroid.”

But it seems Earth is not entirely without friends.  Neptune has a long history with our planet.  Neptune’s ruler said “Hey, we blue planets have to stick together right? We entirely blue here. That’s why I sent an ambassador.  I just wish you people would stop asking him if he’s a Na’vi.  It was cute at first but the novelty has worn off.”

As for me, the Manhattan Infidel, as a loyal citizen of the World I did my part to celebrate Earth Day.  The first thing I did was go to Central Park and chop down as many trees as I could.  (I needed more space for my “Save the Planet” rally.) After that I flew on a private jet to Hollywood, rented an SUV and mowed down Leonardo DiCaprio on his bicycle. (Look, the kid has to learn to obey traffic laws!)

Happy Earth Day!  Just stay out of Pluto’s way.  I think he’s pissed.

The United Nations General Assembly held an all day debate considering the options the world has against the “repeated aggressions of Iceland’s Volcano.”

With air traffic at a standstill and President Barack Obama forced to play golf instead of attending the funeral of Poland’s President, the U.N. declared that Iceland’s Volcano is the “greatest threat to World Peace today.  Greater even than America.”

Many members of the U.N. called upon Israel to stop its “volcanic aggression” and give the Palestinian peoples back their “birthright in Iceland.”

Israeli Prime Minster Benjamin Netanyahu denied any responsibility for the volcano in Iceland.  In Washington, President Obama called an emergency session of his cabinet to respond to rumors that Israel plans to build settlements on the Volcano.

“We cannot allow Israel, in contravention of all its international obligations to do this.  I am angry at Israel.  Vice President Biden is angry.  My wife Michelle is angry.  My daughters are angry. Miley Cyrus is angry.”

From Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Iceland’s volcano “a Zionist trick” and vowed to do everything in Iran’s power to destroy it.  “As soon as we kill all of our dissidents destroying that Zionist Volcano will be our first priority.”

Ahmadinejad then denied for the hundredth time that he is former Beatles drummer Ringo Starr.

“I swear on my Octopus’ Garden I am not Ringo.”

Around the world there were divergent reactions to the volcano.  Scotland pardoned it.  France called it part of the “Anglo supremacy” and the legislature of Hawaii granted the volcano indigenous status.

President Obama called the U.N.’s sanctions against the Icelandic volcano “a step in the right direction” and said that if the situation in Iceland escalates he may have to interrupt American Idol with a televised address.

The volcano has denied any warlike or aggressive intentions.

“I’m just spewing man.  Cut me some slack.”

Ringo Starr could not be reached for comment.

Local resident Charlie Brown and several of his friends including Schroeder and Pig Pen were gunned down today execution-style at their high school.

“There was blood everywhere” said the sheriff.  “It was horrible.  Absolutely horrible. Like a Deepak Chopra book.”

The only witness to the shooting left alive was Mr. Brown’s teacher.  “I tried getting a statement from her but I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me but I couldn’t understand a word she said.”

According to reports the suspect, Linus Van Pelt, head of a local cult that worships the so-called “Great Pumpkin” walked into school loaded with semi-automatic weapons under his trench coat and “methodically” searched for specific victims.

“He seemed to have it in for Mr. Brown and several others.  Apparently Mr. Van Pelt had a history with the victims.  They had repeatedly mocked Mr. Van Pelt’s religious beliefs and had refused to join his cult” continued the sheriff.

After killing all his intended targets Van Pelt turned the gun on himself  but not before shouting “This is a sacrifice the Great Pumpkin demands!”

The so-called Cult of the Great Pumpkin had been gaining many converts in town.

“They live together on a commune in the middle of a pumpkin patch.  Some dog named Snoopy protects them.  Whenever I tried to investigate the damn dog would put on goggles, climb on top of his dog house and strafe the town.  I’d give him a ticket but oddly enough, we don’t have an ordinance against dogs strafing people.”

In the aftermath of the shooting police are expected to crack down on the Great Pumpkiners.

“They’re a dangerous cult.  Like the Mormons and people who prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar” stated the sheriff.

Already the FBI is reportedly setting up a field office in town to investigate the cult.

Town authorities have also looked into establishing a SWAT team for future incidents but nixed the idea because it would be too costly.  Instead they will hire a few pissed off Irishmen to beat up people who look suspicious.

As for the scene of the shooting, Charlie Brown’s high school will never be the same.

“We are getting rid of sex ed and devil dogs in the vending machines” said the principal.  “Children need boundaries.”

The Vatican has ended its 45-year feud with the Beatles.  The feud began when the late John Lennon said that the Beatles were “bigger than Jesus Christ.”

L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, declared that while they still have problems with the Beatles “dissolute and uninhibited lives”  their music is undeniably great.

“Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still gives us emotions, lives on like precious jewels” said the newspaper.

While forgiving the Beatles, the Vatican went on to say that The Monkees are still “bastards.”

In  his encyclical letter, “Monkees Bastardius”, an English translation which was provided to Manhattan Infidel, Pope Benedict XVI writes:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by the Monkees, starving, hysterical naked

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry Herman’s Hermits fix

The Vatican further condemned the Monkees, stating that Mike Nesmith, “when he dies”, will go straight to the fourth circle of Hell.

“Nesmith’s mother invented White Out.  He should have been rich.  Instead he had to play guitar while while Mickey Dolenz and Davey Jones sang.  I mean, come on.  Nesmith was better than both of them” said Tarcisio Bertone, Vatican Secretary of State.

Pope Benedict XVI, who admits to having the Beatles, Nine Inch Nails and the Royal Guardsman, “I love their Snoopy vs. The Red Baron album”  on his iPod will not put the Monkees on his playlist.

“Let whomever puts the Monkees on their iPod be anathema” said the Pope.

From London, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney responded positively to news from the Vatican.

“I’m sure if I wasn’t so stoned I’d appreciate this a lot more.  Was I in the Beatles?”

“A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz”  ~ Humphrey Bogart

The New York Yankees  (representing truth and decency and justice) played game two of their three game series against the Texas Rangers Saturday,  I was lucky  enough to freeze in the upper deck while watching.

Being Spring the weather was cold, bitter and unpleasant.  Much like Joy Behar.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett (he of the ever rising patch of hair).  Mr. Burnett pitched 7 inning of shutout ball giving up only  4 hits.

The  Yankees won.  In the bottom of the first Alex Rodriguez singled in America’s friend of the disabled list - Nick  Johnson. In the second inning Jorge “Angry Spanish Man” Posada and Curt “I can hit lefties, honest!” Granderson scored making it  3 - 0 for the forces of decency.

In the 3rd inning, Derek Jeter, no doubt wanting to distance himself from his stalker Alex Rodriguez homered.  Not to be outdone Alex Rodriguez homered in the 4th. As he crossed home plate the words “I love  you Derek” seemed to form on his lips. Being in the 400 level I could not see clearly but I think it was either “I love you Derek” or “My jockstrap is bunched up,  Help me!”

It was 7 - 0 after four innings.  A lead even our bullpen could not give up.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Rangers 3.

Fun things to do at the ballgame:

During a bathroom break, while standing at the urinal,  shout “Release the Kraken!”

During the 7th inning stretch, instead of singing “Take me out to the ballgame” turn to the person sitting next to you and sing “I don’t want anybody else.  When I think about you I touch myself.  Ooooh….Oooooh  I honestly do.” Shoot him if he objects.  (Doesn’t anyone like early ’90’s music anymore?)

Notes on the game:

It was calendar day at the ballpark and all fans got a 2010 Yankee calendar filled with reminders of precious Yankee moments.  Here are a few:

• May 15th, 1922:  Babe Ruth contracts venereal disease for the first time.
• June 20th, 1957:  An obviously hung over Mickey Mantle throws up on little league players.  Says Mickey afterwords:  “I’m sorry kids.  I guess the hooker I was with last night gave me something. I  mean my balls are on fire!”
• August 2nd, 1996:  Kevin Maas sets a Major League record by striking out six times despite being out of the game for two years.  Says Maas, “Prostitutes don’t go for investment bankers like they do ballplayers.”

After every inning the NYPD ran out onto the field. They were obviously scanning the crowd for terrorists.  Okay.  They  were scanning the crowd for donuts.  They found one kid eating a donut.  They wrestled him to the ground, hit him over the head and grabbed the donut from him mouth and ate it themselves while screaming “Donuts are not for civilians!”

Every time Texas Shortstop Elvis Andrus came to bat I would shout “Elvis is dead!”  This did not go over well with the 75 year old man in the white jumpsuit sitting next to me. He kept saying “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds” and “Viva Las Vegas!”

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was tragically blinded in the locker room before the game after accidentally seeing a nude Derek Jeter in his full effulgence.  Fortunately this will not effect his ability to reach first base as most MLB umpires are blind as well.  Those who aren’t have no idea where the strike zone is anyway so Johnson still stands a 50/50 chance of walking.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “My god, where did all this blood come from?”

W.J.J.B., what did I tell you about “safe words”?  It’s not just a recommendation.  If you use safe words each  partner knows when the other’s limits have been reached. Now you’re screwed. Those CSI people will show up at your place with their blue spectral thingies and search for biologicals.  The next thing you know you’ll be sharing a jail cell with Phil Spector or D.C. from the AHS class of ‘81.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “Phillies forever!  Yankees never!”

D.B.’s so bitter.  Probably works for an accounting firm.

M.O. of New Jersey writes, “While hobnobbing with celebrities I often ask myself what do the simple folk do to help them escape when they’re blue?”

I think they sit around and wonder what royal folk must do.  And that’s what simple folk do.

J.B. of Chicago writes, “I do not care about baseball.  The game does not matter to me.  Stop sending me emails about the Yankees.”

Obviously a Cubs fan in denial.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes “Recently I was shot by the NYPD after driving on the sidewalk.  Can I sue?”

As long as you didn’t have donuts on you I think you can.

Rick the Stick writes, “Can I shower nude with Derek Jeter?”

No.  That is Nick Johnson’s job.

Recommended reading material:

Fathers on the Frontier:  French Missionaries and the Roman Catholic Priesthood in the United States, 1789-1870 by Michael Pasquier.

And that’s that.  After two games I am 1 -1.  My next game is Saturday May 1st against the Chicago White Sox.

Go Yankees!