Manhattan Infidel

Every day throughout the United States, Democrats gather to celebrate the mystery of Obama.  Senators, Congressman,  state officials, lay faithful face the celebrant as he intones the words, “This is Obama’s body, which is being socialized for you.  Do this in memory of him.” Despite the apparent harmony a sizable minority of Democrats say that during the daily sacrifice the celebrant should not be facing the congregation.

“In effect this creates a situation where the Democrats are closed in upon themselves. By facing the faithful the celebrant is actually turning his back upon the statue of Obama.  He should be facing the holy city of Chicago just like us.  We should all be facing the land where Obama came from and started his holy ministry” said one dissenting Democrat.

This controversy has ignited lively debate in Democratic circles.  According to the Democratic Constitution, “On Celebrating the Holy Mystery of Obama’s Body and Blood” all that is stated is that the celebrant “should not be a Republican or a racist tea bagger.” However, it has now become traditional for the celebrant to face the congregation.

“I like it” says Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.  “It creates a greater sense of intimacy. It is not important for us to face Chicago as we pray to Obama, our Dear Leader.  Spiritually we are all part of his body when we register as Democrats.  Spiritually we face the holy city of Chicago every day.”

Their seems to be no end in sight to the debate.  A group of breakaway Democrats has formed an organization dedicated to “bringing the Democratic Party back to its core principals.”

DNC Chairperson Tim Kaine has announced that breakaway groups have “lost all communion with the body of Obama and can no longer be called Democrats.”

The man at the center of the controversy, President Obama, is hoping to quell dissent within his body and is scheduled to speak to the nation tonight at 9:00 PM.  His speeech, entitled, “I”  will be fed into the teleprompter at 8:45.  The backup teleprompter is on standby.

“This is an important speech.  We don’t want any foul ups” said a spokesperson at the White House.

People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring  ~ Rogers  Hornsby

Six long months after the New York Yankees, representing truth, justice and the American way, won their 27th World Championship, I attended my first game of the year against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California.  The Yankees unfortunately lost.

The Yankees started Javier “I still suck” Vasquez who lasted 5  1/3 innings, giving up 6 hits and 4 runs while walking two and striking out four.  Not in itself reason to tar and feather him and  run him out of town on a rail while forcing him to listen to William Shatner’s version of Mr. Tambourine Man on his iPod.  Yet.  However, he has been informed that if he doesn’t win his next start David Duchovny will shower with him while talking about sex addiction.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California countered with Joel Pineiro. Not only was Pineiro’s sinker a mystery to the Yankees but 54,000 in attendance had to figure out why the Yankee announcer insisted on pronouncing his first name “Joe-ell.” And I’m the Manhattan Infid-ellllllleo.

Down 5 to 1 the Yankees mounted a rally in the 8th.  Nick Johnson singled in a run and Mark “April is the cruelest month” Teixeira picked up an RBI with a groundout.  But that was all they would get.  Final score:  Angels 5 Yankees 3.

Notes on the game:

Nick Johnson injury watch:

10 days into the season Nick Johnson has defied all expectations and not landed on the disabled list.  He hasn’t broken a leg.  He hasn’t had a concussion.  He hasn’t torn any ligaments in his knee while being anally probed by aliens (which, as you no doubt remember, is what ruined Nomar Garciaparra’s career.)

Robinson Cano suicide watch:

Distraught that his BFF Melky Cabrera has been traded to Atlanta, Cano seems to be holding up for the moment.  But he did build a makeshift shrine to Cabrera at 2nd base.  All who reached 2nd had to genuflect in front of the shrine.

I sat for the first time in the 200 level section (60 dollar seats).  Usually I’m in the 400 level (25 dollars) or the bleachers (12 dollars).  I noticed many things about the 200 level. For instance - cup holders on the seats.  Unfortunately I was not wearing a cup so I placed my scrotum in the cup holder.  Needless to say this was a painful and awkward position to hold for nine innings.  But, I guess that’s what one does in the 200 level.  Also everything seemed more civilized.  Even the drunks, hecklers and hookers were genteel.  Or was that gentile? I naturally wanted to fit in so I adjusted my normal heckling.  But my heckle of “I say old chap, your mother enjoys relations with a multitude of men” did not attract the attention of the Angels left fielder.

Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who wore number 27 last year has changed his uniform number to 28 to symbolize the Yankees pursuit of their 28th championship.  That was not the only uniform change.  Derek Jeter changed his number from 2 to 6,245 which I believe symbolizes the number of women he’s slept with since 1996.  Alex Rodriguez changed his number from 13 to “At least once an hour” which represents the number of times he obsesses about Derek Jeter.  Nick Johnson changed his number to “May 5th” which is the date he will suffer his season ending injury.

This is a new year.  Will the Yankees repeat as champions?  Like last year their Achilles’ heel will be their outfield.  And they will miss Johnny Damon.  But they have a good chance if the pitching holds up and Javier Vasquez can avoid showering with David Duchovny.  It’s a new year.  As Derek Jeter said after the game, “Last year is over with.  A lot of guys have left.  We have lots of new guys.  Lots of new groupies.  Wait.  Did I say that?  Can you make sure Minka doesn’t find out about the groupies?  Tiger gave me some tips about getting their numbers off my phone but I’d just as soon not have to shower with David Duchovny.”

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “I want to chew my own cud.” 

What? What?  Are you a lawyer?

M.A. of New York State writes “Is this real life? Is this just fantasy. Caught in a landslide no escape from reality.”

Demerol my son.  Demerol.  The perfect escape from reality.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes, “Get off the damn sidewalk.  I’m driving here!  I’m driving on the sidewalk damn it!  And I like it.”

M.W., you’re not in California anymore.  You can’t drive on the sidewalk just because you feel like it.  We have laws in this state.

Jimmy the Hat writes “Can I shower with David Duchovny and Derek Jeter?”

I spoke to the Yankees P.R. Department and they assure me that for $5000 you can shower with them.  For $10,000 you can shower with the entire team and for $15,000 Derek will wear a mask, spank you and sing “I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande.”

L.K. from the floodplains of New Jersey writes, “I recently shaved my mohawk.  Does this mean I’ve sold out?”

Yes.  There is no hope for you.  Or the bodies buried in your back yard.

Scotty, Chief Engineer for the Starship Enterprise writes, “I can’t change the laws of physics, Captain!”

Try a spitball.

So after my first game my record stands at 0-1.  Last year the Yankees went 13-2 at games I went to.  Will they do as good this year?  My next game is this Saturday against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!

The First Ecumenical Council of the White House, a gathering of Democratic Senators and Congressmen, responding to the “needs of the times”, has declared Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States, infallible when pronouncing dogma Ex Cathedra Oval Office.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid told assembled reporters that the doctrine of the infallibility of Obama is actually quite limited.

“I know the Republicans are trying to say we worship him but the truth is that this doctrine only relates to official Democratic dogma that is promulgated by the White House.  It does not mean that President Obama himself is infallible or sinless, though I have never known that amazing man to sin or be wrong in anything.”

The doctrine of the Infallibility of Obama has been discussed in Democratic circles since 2008 but was rejected due to opposition from conservative Democrats.  However, with widespread opposition to the recent health care overhaul it was decided that the time was ripe for the official unveiling of the dogma.

“It is hoped that with this pronouncement Americans will end their opposition to President Obama’s policies.  The man is truly remarkable.  Every time I talk to him I walk away enlightened.  He has the best interests of the working person at heart” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

The Doctrine of Obama’s Infallibility has to meet the following conditions:

1. He must speak Ex Cathedra Oval Office (that is, when in discharge of his office as supreme teacher of the citizens of the World.)
2. The Democratic doctrine must concern faith, morals or sin.
3. The doctrine must be held by the entire Democratic Party.

With the possibility of the loss of many seats in the November elections, Democrats are hoping that this new doctrine will help protect President Obama from any possible repercussions. If however the Democrats lose a majority in the House come November the possibility of seeking asylum in Vermont has been discussed.

Representatives of the press who covered the announcement shouted “never” when the possibility of exile was discussed and pledged their “lives and sacred honor” to defend the President.  The only holdouts were those from Fox News.

“What do you expect” said Rahm Emanuel.  “Fox isn’t a real news organization.”

The union of the followers of Obama has been rent by a recent controversy regarding his body and blood.  Previously the approved formula for the body and blood of Obama had been called “Transubstantiation” whereby ordinary bread and wine is converted into the body and blood of Obama.  However, recently a breakaway group have promulgated the doctrine of “Consubstantiation” where the body and blood of Obama exists alongside ordinary bread and wine.

“It has destroyed the communion of the Blue States” according to one follower of Obama. “Fields have been burned.  People have been forced out of their homes.  The Trannies have killed the Connies. The Connies have killed the Trannies.  Chaos reigns supreme.”

It is estimated that 5000 have been killed in recent Blue State religious warfare.

The inspiration for all this fighting is a passage from the Gospel of Obama according to Robert Gibbs:

And whilst they were eating, Obama took bread; and blessing, broke, and gave to them, and said: Take ye.  This is my body.  And having taken the wine, respectable wine not redneck whiskey, giving thanks, he gave it to them.  And they all drank of it.  And he said to them:  This is my blood of the new testament, which shall go into unsustainable debt for many.

“It seems incongruous that the simple words of Obama could be misconstrued” according to one Transubstantiationist.  Those believing in Consubstantiation counter that their doctrine is more “modern” and in keeping with recent scientific findings.

Despite the fact that feelings between the competing groups run high and bitterness remains, a recently concluded conference in Boston holds hopes for peace.

The so-called “Peace of Boston” states that all citizens living in Blue States will have to follow the communion favored by their Governor.  Hence, if the Governor of Vermont favors Consubstantiation all Transubstationationists in that state will be forced to leave to a State favoring their communion or, Obama forbid, a Red State.

“I don’t want to move to a Red State” said one frightened resident of Oregon.  “I hear they don’t even have Starbucks.  Those people are savages!”

With the results of the Presidential election of 2008 giving the followers of Obama the room to practice their religion without fear, many theologians are now turning to defining their faith in the Obama.

“There are many questions still unresolved as to the nature of Obama.  We now have a historic opportunity to define our faith” said one theologian.

Perhaps the biggest mystery is the nature of the hypostatic union of Obama.   The two natures of Obama, the human and the divine, are they one essence or are they separate entities?  Does the human nature of Obama exist independently of the divine or was it absorbed by the divinity? Mainstream opinion holds that Obama exists in two natures and is in fact true God and true Man.

“This is the Orthodox position.” said a Bishop of MSNBC at the First Ecumenical Council of Obama.  “What we worship is the union of two natures.  Our Obama is truly man and truly God.  He feels with a human will.  He grieves with a human will.  His flesh is true human flesh.  Yet our Obama is also God.  He can lower sea levels.  He commands the elements.  He is the second person in the Divine Trinity of the Father, Obama and the Holy Ghost.”

This Orthodox position is in direct opposition to the Monophysites, who maintain that there is only one nature in Obama - the Divine.  According to the Monophysites, Obama’s humanity was absorbed by the Deity.  Currently the Monophysites are confined to the extreme East of the Obama Empire.

“They are very strong in France and Germany” according to a theologian.

If the Orthodox positions holds then Obama’s mother can be rightly referred to as the Theotokos, the “Mother of God.”  Already the Feast of the Assumption of Obama’s Mother, where her body and soul were assumed into Heaven, while not officially promulgated as Dogma, is celebrated by many of the followers of Obama.  This Feast is of course not celebrated by the Monophysites.

Regardless of theological differences the followers of Obama are urging unity.

“We must have charity in all theological matters.  Our true enemies are the pagans of Red State America who do not worship the Obama.  They are a danger to us and must be eliminated” said Rahm Emanuel, the “Pope” of the Obama religion.

The CIA has in its possession the minutes of a top secret Al Qaeda leadership meeting held at the Holiday Inn in Dubai last January.  Through the Freedom of Information Act the minutes were obtained so that you, my readers, may be informed as to the ruthless nature of our enemy.

Proceedings:

• Meeting called to order at 12 PM in room 404 by Osama Bin Ladin
• Last month’s meeting minutes were amended and approved
• Saif al-Din al-Ansari al-Adel apologized for arriving late and explained that he thought the meeting was in room 402.  al-Adel realized his mistake because room 402 is holding the Silverman Bar Mitzvah
• By a 4 - 3 vote it was decided not to send a suicide bomber to room 402 as “that might disrupt our meeting and we’ve already ordered pizza.”
• By a 7 - 0 vote it was decided to play television at “very loud level” to disrupt Zionists in room 402
• Suleiman Abu Ghaith complained of accommodations, stating that last year they had a “larger room at a Day’s Inn.”
• Abu Ghaith admonished to stop acting like “prissy bitch” and was reminded by Bin Ladin that the ruthless American infidels have severely disrupted the organization’s cash flow and that “at least we’re not meeting in a cave.”

• Chief Executive’s Report

1. Recommends if we are not able to replenish supply of suicide bombers that Eva Longoria be kidnapped as that will bring America to its knees. CEO also apologized to Tampa Bay Rays Third Baseman Evan Longoria for ordering his kidnapping.  “No harm no foul?” he asks Longoria before releasing him.  Longoria tells CEO to take a “flying f#$%” and leaves to attend Silverman Bar Mitzvah.
2. Discusses lack of hipness factor in Al Qaeda brand name and laments that Arab youth no longer want to blow themselves up. Recommends hiring rap star Usher to sing at Al Qaeda events.

• Finance Committee Report

1. CFO informs meeting that Al Qaeda is heavily in debt and that they “cannot continue to keep borrowing” as that will lead to financial catastrophe.  CFO accused of using scare tactics and reminded of Bin Ladin’s view that increased spending in present will reduce costs in future.  CFOs recommendations voted down and another loan from a “reputable Zionist Wall Street bank” authorized.

• Guest comments

1. Representing the Hollywood community, actor Matthew Modine laments divisions amongst mankind and asks Bin Ladin “Why do you hate us?”  Modine further states that dialogue is essential to long-lasting peace.
2. By a vote of 7 - 0 it is authorized to remove Modine’s head from body.
3. Modine’s head placed in plastic bag, set on fire and left outside Room 402 to “Scare the Zionists.”

• Meeting adjourned at 2:30 with arrival of pizza.  al-Zawahari complains that “once again” they have put pineapple on the pizza.  al-Zawahari states that he hates pineapple on his pizza and specifically asked for pepperoni.  al-Zawahari laments “Who likes pineapple on pizza?  Zionists, that’s who!”

Always on the front lines and proud of its cutting edge reputation, New York is the first state in the union to declare war on the dreaded enemy of mankind, the silent killer - sodium.  Assemblyman Felix Ortiz (D-Brooklyn) has introduced a bill that would ban all salt in the preparation and cooking of restaurant food.

“I think salt should be banned in restaurants.  If we let people eat salt, then the terrorists win” declared Ortiz.

The bill would lay a penalty of $1000 dollars upon restaurants for each individual addition of salt before, during or after preparation of food.

“I just want New Yorkers to live long, healthy lives.  The longer they live the more often they can vote for me and keep me in office.  I am proud of my antisodium credentials.  The Democratic Party is proud to be the party of no-choice when it comes to the dreaded enemy sodium.  My opponents, the Republicans, may be soft on salt but not me.”

Reaction to the proposed ban has been swift.  With a debt of 48 billion, on the verge of bankruptcy and with a lame duck, weak Governor, many are questioning if declaring war on salt is the right thing to do.

Brian Kolb (R-Canandaigua), Minority Leader of the Assembly told reporters that the War on Sodium is a waste of resources.

“Every right thinking New York knows that salt is not the enemy.   The enemy is pepper.  I plan to introduce a bill banning pepper within the limits of New York State.”

The partisan bickering over the salt and pepper divide has proven rancorous.  Republicans appearing on Sunday morning talk shows accused Democrats of wanting to turn New York into “A free-love zone.  A hippie Pepperland.”

Democrats for their part accused Republicans of having a “culture of sodium.”

Having a majority in the Assembly it appears that Ortiz’ antisodium bill will pass.   Already Ortiz and fellow Democrats have asked the Salt Monster, from first season Star Trek episode “The Man Trap” to come to New York.

“It’s not enough to eliminate salt from restaurants.  We want to eliminate it from the human body entirely.  This is where the Salt Monster comes in.  It will roam New York State sucking the sodium out of citizens.  This is for their own good” said Ortiz.

The fever to ban items that may be deleterious to health seems to be spreading beyond New York’s borders.  Georgia is mulling a coffee ban while Oregon is reportedly considering banning Idaho.  Not potatoes from Idaho but the state itself.

“This is for the good of all Oregonians” declared a member or Oregon’s House of Representatives.

Chaz Bono, child of Sonny Bono and Cher and formerly known as Chastity Bono when he was a woman expressed disappointment in the results of his sex change.

“I was always an ugly woman but I figured once I had sex reassignment surgery my former ugliness would translate into a masculine roughneck quality.  But, damn.  I’m still ugly.  What a letdown.”

Experts familiar with sex reassignment surgery are not surprised.  Known as the “WTF Effect” many who undergo the surgery find themselves bitterly disappointed in the outcome.

“Many who have this surgery feel unattractive and unwanted.  They think by changing their sex this will change.  Men think that by becoming women they will become pole dancers whereas they end up looking like John Cleese in drag.  Women think they will look like Leonardo DiCaprio.  But alas, that is not the case.  Most end up becoming truckers after surgery” said a doctor who has performed many of the sex reassignment surgeries.

Typical is a letter from a woman who used to be a man before surgery who writes, “I’m still ugly! I mortgaged my house and raided my retirement fund to have my testicles cut off.   Hell, I could have saved my money and just gotten married.”

With malpractice costs on the rise many doctors are now requiring candidates for surgery to fill out a questionnaire before going under the knife.  Questions include:

1. Are you ugly?
2. Seriously, are you ugly?
3. How ugly?  Run of the mill bow wow or Nikki Sixx ugly?
4. Sex reassignment will change this how?

Many doctors have reported being harassed by angry post op patients and are now refusing to perform the surgery.  “If I wanted an ugly man/woman to beat me up I could go to Boy George’s apartment” said one.

As for Chaz Bono he is making the most of his new life.

“It’s not what I expected to be sure but what can I do?  I’m working as a bouncer now.  I think the tats on my arm make me look tough.”

Pasiphae, daughter of Helios and fan of free bull love, appeared on a special episode of the Jerry Springer show dedicated to unusual sexual fetishes and their devotees.

Appearing with Pasiphae on the show were a man addicted to ’70s porn and Damon Evans, the second actor to play Lionel Jefferson on the popular TV sitcom The Jeffersons.

“I’m a Goddess, an immortal.  My father is the Sun.  That can be very intimidating to most men” said Pasiphae.  “I tried to have normal sexual relations with mortals but I just didn’t find it exciting enough.  I”ve always liked bulls though so I had a friend of mine, Daedalus, construct a portable wooden cow with cowhide covering that I was able to use to satisfy my desire.  Once  inside I was able to copulate freely with bulls.”

This drove the audience wild as many stood up and called her names.

“Hey, a Goddess needs love too” she said in reply to the catcalls.

Springer next moved on to a man who is a self-proclaimed “addict” of 1970s-era porn.

“I spend as much as 20 hours a day watching it” he said.  “I’ve lost my job and my friends.”

Springer asked him about his current girlfriend, a bearded lady he met online after placing an ad for  a “hirsute woman” on Craigslist.

“Well, in 70s porn everyone is very hairy.  As I watched more and more of it I found myself only able to perform with people who had hair all over their bodies.  I tried substitutes, like making love to my dates while watching movies that had Dan Hedaya in it but it wasn’t the same.  I need hair.”

The audience whooped and cheered as he got into a screaming match with Pasiphae, who called him “sick.”

“You’re a sick motherf#$*#$ you motherf#(@#$! degenerate freak.  At least bulls are smooth.”

Security from the Springer show had to separate the two.

Springer next asked Damon Evans what his fetish was.  Damon appeared uneasy and asked if he could leave.

“There must be some mistake.  I’m here to promote the one man show I’m starring in” Damon nervously responded.

Springer prodded him.  “Come on Damon.  No sexual fetishes?”

Springer didn’t believe him and asked him again if he was hiding a fetish while the 70s porn addict accused him of “being too smooth.”  Pasiphae volunteered that Evans looked like a bull lover.

After more prodding from Springer, Evans finally broke down in tears and admitted his fetish.

“My bedroom is plastered with posters of Donna Pescow.  I’ve tried to stop but I just can’t”

The audience went silent.  Pasiphae and 70s porn devotee got up and walked out.

“He needs help.  He’s sick” said Pasiphae.

Jerry Springer’s next show will be about Donna Pescow and the men who like her.

Damon Evans has entered rehab.

Since the bombshell admission by Ricky Martin of his homosexuality, Al Qaeda has seen a 67% decrease in female suicide bomber enrollment. What was a week ago filled with long lines, female suicide bomber recruitment centers are now reporting that some have not seen one recruit.

“Our numbers have dried up quicker than CNN’s ratings” according to an anonymous source.

“We should have seen this coming” said Tariq al-Sharif, Vice President of Al Qaeda’s Department of Human Resources.  “Background vetting on female suicide bombers showed that only 15% did it for Allah.  18% cited our health benefits while the rest all said they wanted to kill the infidel in the hopes of getting Ricky Martin’s attention.  Who can blame these women?  He’s swarthy, masculine and is kind to goats.  He’s every Muslim’s woman’s dream.”

“His announcement blindsided us.” declared another high-ranking Al Qaeda member.  “Our business model for the year is shot to hell.”

The startling reduction in female suicide bombers has forced Al Qaeda to pull back on its plans for a Spring suicide bombing offensive.  In an emergency meeting attended by Osama Bin Ladin, Ayman al-Zawahiri and other top-ranking Al-Qaeda leadership alternative plans were discussed.  In leiu of the drop of available suicide bombers it was decided to scale back.  Instead top leadership will be appearing on Hardball with Chris Matthews.

“We really had no other option and we wanted to get out word out to a sympathetic audience.  But no one is looking forward to it.  The man (Matthews) is such a goofball” said Al-Sharif.

Other options discussed include touring college campuses and setting up recruitment booths at job fairs.

“Several of our members are quite good at PowerPoint and Photoshop.  We’re hoping a couple good slide show presentations will help the recruitment drive.  Not as much as Ricky Martin’s masculine presence of course.  But it’s a start.”

With the drop in suicide bombers and the resulting change in its business model, Al Qaeda is facing a certain cash shortage this year.

“If this keeps up we may have to merge with Toyota” said al-Zawahiri.

The last word belongs to Osama Bin Ladin himself.

“With our intelligence gathering capabilities we should have realized that Ricky Martin was a Zionist tool.  I’m so bummed.”