Manhattan Infidel

“I see great things in baseball.  It’s our game - the American game.  It will take our people out of doors, fill  them with oxygen,  give them a larger physical stoicism.  Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us.” ~ Walt Whitman

The first part of the headline is correct.  The Yankees did lose.  The second part is not true.  However I wanted to impress upon my readers the gravity of the situation.  The Yankees have lost!

Having won two out of three against the Dodgers and their evil ogre of a manager the Yankees came into the Bronx against the Seattle Pilots of the Pacific Coast League, er, the Seattle Mariners of the American League West Division.  Seattle sucks.  The Yankees had Phil  Hughes pitching.  What could go wrong?

Well, everything went wrong. It was a perfect storm of bad pitching. bad defense, bad offense and bad overpriced garlic fries. How bad was it for the Yankees?   Our best pitcher tonight was Chan Ho Park.  Yeah, that Chan Ho Park.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes (10-2 3.58 ERA) while the Mariners started Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee (7 -3 2.45 ERA.)

The Yankees got on the board first when Nick Swisher hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  1 - 0 Yankees after one.

Phil Hughes did not have it tonight however, giving up one run in the second, third, fourth and fifth innings before giving up three in the sixth and being  mercifully yanked by Joe Girardi.  He lasted 5 2/3 innings, giving up seven runs (six earned) while giving up a home run to Jack Wilson and striking out three.  Phil Lee however pitched  his third straight complete game and gave up his first walk in five starts (and only his fifth of the year) to  Jorge “The hip hip Jorge chant even I think is annoying” Posada.

For the first eight innings Swisher was the only offense for the Yankees, hitting another home run in the bottom of the sixth.  7 -2 Mariners after six.

The Yankees, perhaps realizing they are playing one of the worst teams in baseball rallied for two runs in the bottom of the ninth off of a Cano single and a Posada ground rule double but Chad “The next Shane Spencer” Huffman popped up for the last out.  Final score:  Mariners 7 Yankees 4.

Notes on the game:

Yankee Stadium has signs posted proudly proclaiming that they are the home of “gluten-free pizza.“  Now I looked up gluten and apparently it is a composite of two proteins called gliaden and glutenin.  Or, as I like to say, “don’t give a shit.”

As I’ve noticed and written about before, the bathrooms on the lower level subtlety remind us of the differences between the rich and the poor. On the lower level, instead of urinals, they had stadium attendants on their knees ready to take the stream of 100 level ticket holders.  As I had eaten spicy food before arriving at the stadium I think I blinded the poor man.  So I tipped him extra.

The woman sitting next to me held a beer cup that said “This environmentally sustainable cup is made entirely of plastic.”  What a coincidence.  So is my soul.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing his wrist, an eagle swooped down and caught him in her talons. She then proceeded to fly to her nest and feed Johnson to her brood, picking bits of Johnson’s flesh off, swallowing it and regurgitating it to her young.  Yankee officials are confident that this will not deter his mid August return to the Yankees.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “You scream I scream we all scream when the zombies eat our flesh” did not inspire the crowd.  Hey people, I’m just trying to alert New Yorkers to the coming zombie apocalypse.  If they want to be caught off guard it’s their business.

Recommended reading material:

Collected Stories of William Faulkner.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “A bird on my fire escape coughed up Nick Johnson’s ear.  Should I return it?”

Definitely not.  You can sell that on Ebay.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I am filled with wrath and hatred for my fellow man.”

He must be a fan of the New York Rangers.

T.S. of Astoria, Queens writes “Philadelphia is the greatest city in the world.”

You poor, poor misguided man.

God writes, “And if thou has been forced to eat much, arise, go out, and vomit; and it shall refresh thee.” Ecclesiasticus 31:25

Wow. So God is a woman!’

And so my record stands at 6 -3.   Oh well, at least the Mets lost.

My next game is Sunday July 18th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

And on a completely unrelated note, to cheer fellow Yankee fans up I have enclosed a picture of my ticket stubs from two games where the Yankees beat the Red Sox in extra innings.  You see, it’s not good enough to beat the Red Sox, you have to crush their spirit.  And what do the Red Sox do?  That’s right, Bahstahn sawks cack!  Go Yankees!

Scientists at the Theoretical Physics Department of M.I.T. announced today that they have found the origin of the elusive substance known as dark matter:  Chuck Cunningham, older brother of Ritchie Cunningham from popular ’70s sitcom Happy Days.

After careful review of all episodes of Happy Days that featured the mysterious and elusive Chuck Cunningham and noticing the effects he had on the gravitational field of the Cunningham household we have come to the conclusion that Chuck Cunningham not only is dark matter but he is more than that.  He is in essence the absence of matter.  The absence of existence.  A puzzling void in the universe.  A tear in the space-time continuum. A freckled freak of biblical proportions.

The statement went on to describe in full the “Chuck Cunningham” effect and warned people against looking directly into Chuck Cunningham’s eyes.

Cunningham constant dribbling of a basketball, played up in the series may have been a control point for this dark matter to enter our universe.  Dribbling also seemed to contain the effects of his dark matter energy.  When he stopped dribbling the gravitational field of Howard “Mr. C” Cunningham’s nondescript Milwaukee house would experience dramatic changes.  Matter would appear out of nowhere.  We theorize that Fonzie, Pinky and Leather Tuscadero, who we have dubbed the Holy Trinity of Dark Matter, were created this way.  How else would you explain Arthur Fonzarelli, a man who appeared to be in his late 30s with no job prospects, becoming such a ladies man?  It is the chaos effect of dark matter.  Women were drawn to him.  Drawn to their deaths in the event horizon of dark matter.

We urge anyone who may have the first two seasons of Happy Days on DVD to burn them immediately.  For the sake of the continued existence of our universe burn them!  Chuck Cunningham theoretically cannot exist but he does. He is the absence of life.  The absolute zero of void.  In Chuck Cunningham, no one can hear you scream.

After the second year of Happy Days, Chuck Cunningham disappeared and was never mentioned again in the Cunningham household.

Using String Theory as a starting point we theorize that this dark, malevolent Chuck Cunningham substance may have entered a parallel dimension to wreak havoc.  It also seems that before he left he wiped the minds of the Cunningham household.  It’s like he never existed. Howard Cunningham made frequent references to having only two children.  The power of this Chuck Cunningham apparently is tremendous.  We have nothing but pity for the poor inhabitants of any parallel dimension he may now be inhabiting.

The statement closed with the hope that, with the secret to Dark Matter now known, in the future mankind will be better able to withstand its effects.

We are confident that we can overcome this Chuck Cunningham.  Now, if we could only figure out what Chachi was all about.  Seriously.  What a dork.

Amid mounting criticism Major Tony Nelson of NASA has announced his resignation.  The growing scandal, dubbed “JeannieGate” by the press has threatened future funding for the organization at a time when the United States space program is already at an all time low.

“We have no space program now.  We have to depend of other nations to get our astronauts into space” said Mitch McConnell, (R-KY).  “And now we find out that one of our astronauts has a concubine with magical powers.  Is this why President Obama has reduced funding to NASA?  How much did Obama know about the genie and when did he know it?”

Even before the disclosure that he kept a concubine dressed in a revealing outfit in a bottle in his house, there were rumors about Major Nelson’s strange behavior, ranging from being in two places at once to his penchant for invisible dogs who hate uniforms.

Nelson’s immediate superior at NASA, Major General Martin Peterson, in an attempt to save his own career, has put a positive spin on the scandal, touting it as an example of the success of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

“I specifically did not ask Major Nelson if he kept a concubine with magical powers and he specifically did not tell me.  End of story.”

Despite Peterson’s comments insiders say Nelson had no choice but to resign.

“How much money have we expended on NASA?  How many shuttles have we lost?  How many men have died?  And now we find out that Nelson had a genie who could blink away every problem?  His reputation is toast” said close friend Major Roger Healey, who himself is under fire for a notoriously immoral private life that has lead to the spread of a previously unknown form of V.D. throughout NASA nicknamed “Screw the Pooch.”

Healey may have also known about the genie, given his relationship with Nelson, though he denies any knowledge of Nelson’s concubine.

The criticism of Nelson goes beyond the confines of NASA.  In Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal called Nelson “selfish” for keeping his genie to himself.

“We’re in a shooting war here.  She could help us by blinking away Al Qaeda. If nothing else the fact that this girl  is from Baghdad could help us build bridges with the Muslim population. As long as she keeps her navel covered that is.”

Perhaps the only person happy about Nelson’s genie is NASA psychiatrist, Colonel Alfred Bellows, who is currently on leave after suffering a nervous breakdown that he blames on Nelson.

“I knew it!  All those years of watching Nelson, trying to prove that something wasn’t right.  No one believed  me.  They all thought I was crazy.  But I’m not crazy. I’m not.  Now will someone please get this straitjacket off me.  I’m not dangerous.”

From Baghdad, Haji, the “Chief of All Genies” had no comment on the scandal.

Today on the Yellow Brick Road an accident involving 20 cars killed two pedestrians, tentatively identified as “Tin Man” and “Scarecrow.”

Around 8:30 AM during the height of the morning rush hour four pedestrians were noticed holding hands and dancing along the side of the Yellow Brick Road, the only non-toll road leading to Emerald City.

According to police reports trouble started when Dorothy Gale, last known address rural Kansas,  tried to stop a car to ask “Where is the f#&^*#g Wizard?”

Not wanting to hit the pedestrians the car veered into the southbound lane, striking a limo filled with anchors from MSNBC.  The limo immediately burst into flames.  Other cars tried to avoid the flaming van of anchors and many ended up crashing into each other, causing more chaos. Soon 20 cars were piled up on the road, some on fire, others upside down or totaled.  Drivers involved the crash who did not immediately lose consciousness screamed for help, many of them trapped as flames and fuel covered the road.

Among the victims were two of the pedestrians.  As the Tin Man lay by the side of the road first responders stabilized him and attempted to give first aid but were stopped by said Tin Man who kept asking to “be oiled.”

“I was trying to intubate him but all he kept doing was saying ‘No no…..I want oil.  Someone oil me!’  I have no idea what he was talking about.  I think he was on drugs.  But whatever it was he died shortly after that” said a responder.

Also killed was the Scarecrow, who was literally cut in two.

“It was horrible.  His legs were on one side of the road and his torso was on the other.  There was straw all over the place.”

Surviving the accident were Dorothy and The Cowardly Lion.  The Lion survived by hiding by the side of the road.  When responders found him he was crying “I’m a coward.”  He had also soiled himself.   Mr. Lion and Dorothy were questioned by police and then arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance.

“Dorothy was glassy eyed and semi-incoherent. She kept giving us this cockamamie story about how her house fell on a wicked witch.  She also offered to service me if I would bring her to somebody she called the ‘F#$(*$g Wizard.’  Damn hippie freaks is what they are” said a policeman.

The Mayor of Emerald City has asked the city council to pass legislation outlawing pedestrians from walking along the side of the Yellow Brick Road.

“We’ve had problems for a while now with pedestrians. This isn’t the first accident they’ve caused but it is the deadliest.  Damn hippie freaks.”

The Mayor has also asked the State for capital improvements on the road that would widen it and put barriers in place to keep pedestrians from running into traffic.

On the 63rd day of the Gulf Oil Spill, President Obama returned to Louisiana to tour devastated areas and offer his support to besieged locals.  Holding his hands on his hips and staring out at the Gulf as contractors attempted to set up booms to collect the oil, President Obama spoke with reporters.

“I am the President.  This is my responsibility.  The buck stops with me.  Well, mainly the buck stops with the previous administration who insisted on drilling for oil when we have so much natural wind energy available.”

Reporters questioned him about the future viability of the economy of the devastated Gulf states.

“I will not abandon the hard working fisherman whose livelihood is disappearing.  But perhaps if they didn’t watch Fox news and take money from Haliburton they wouldn’t have these problems.  But I will not abandon these fishermen.  It is not their fault they didn’t go to Harvard.”

The President walked along the beach, stopping occasionally to stare at the sand.

This is a crisis moment for America.  Do we continue to rely on nonrenewable fossil fuels or do we invest in clean, green technology?  My administration will fight for the development of alternative forms of energy such as wind, solar power, fireflies, dirt and Alec Baldwin’s chest hair.  Philly cheese steaks, poison sumac, poison ivy but not poison oak.  Rainbows, angels, dwarfs, dilithium crystals and Regis Philbin.  Martians, Glenn Ford and Aunt Bee.  All these and more my science Czar assures me are clean, affordable and cheap forms of energy.

A local fisherman approached President Obama to ask him a question.

“Kneel before Obama” declared the President.

“I will kneel before you, if it will save lives” said the fisherman.

“It will, starting with your own” said Obama.

President Obama then obliterated the fisherman with his heat vision.

“Did you see that?  Did you see what I just did?  I have powers beyond reason here! Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?”

President Obama then asked reporters to come closer.

“I am President Obama. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, President Obama! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live”

President Obama then boarded a helicopter for the trip back to New Orleans.

Standing in front of a Federal judge, Times Square bomber Faishal Shahzad pleaded guilty to the charges against him.

“I want to plead guilty and I will plead guilty 100 times over until the United States pulls its forces from Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Mr. Shahzad then went on to document for the record his actions leading up to the the attempted bombing on May 1st.

I went to Pakistan for bomb training and that’s what I learned there.  I learned how to make a bomb, how to detonate a bomb, how to put a fuse in a bomb, how to put that sign that says “kaboom” in a bomb.   You know, just like in the cartoons.

Mr. Shahzad expressed puzzlement and disappointment as to why the bomb did not go off.

The bomb was in three, no four sections.  Possible five sections.  The first part was the fertilizer.  I had to improvise since my comrades in Pakistan only gave me $8000 which wasn’t enough to buy the fertilizer I wanted.  So instead I bought a couple hundred KFC Double Downs.  May Allah continue to bless KFC!  The second part of the bomb - if the first part did not work - was the petrol.  I had made a petrol bomb but that did not go off either.  Perhaps there weren’t enough KFC Double Downs to reach critical mass.  Allah knows I ate a few as I was driving into the city.  For that I apologize to my bomb-making teachers in Pakistan.

Mr. Shahzad then talked about his backup plan in case the Double Down instrument of mass destruction did not go off.

I had a Plan 9 From Outer Space all ready….what?  Oh.  Yes yes.  Plan B, Allah be praised.  I had bought a disintegration gun in Pakistan.  And when my disintegration gun disintegrates, boy does it disintegrate. If the bomb did not go off I was going to use this gun to kill all the enemies of the Prophet. But unfortunately the disintegration gun disintegrated.

After parking his car and setting off the timer “an egg timer - the latest in analog technology, Allah be praised” he walked away and waited.

I waited five minutes for a sound.  But there was no sound. So I went into Old Navy to buy some sneakers and polo shirts.  One likes to be comfortable when killing westerners and destroying their culture. After I left Old Navy I walked to Grand Central and took the train back to my heavily mortgaged home in Connecticut.

Shahzad was then sentenced to life in prison at a Supermax Federal prison where he will spend 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.

Upon hearing of the sentence New York City Mayor Bloomberg said that he hoped that Shahzad’s example will discourage others who are behind in their mortgage from resorting to violence.

Shahzad should be a wake up call to banks across the United States - stop selling houses to people who cannot afford it. Who knows how many others like Shahzad across the country are behind on their mortgage and thinking about killing people!

In Batavia, New York, James Harrison, 31 was arrested by Homeland Security after falling behind on his mortgage.  As he was led away Harrison told reporters:

“I don’t want to kill anybody. I just want to refinance my home.”

A spokesman for Homeland Security called Harrison’s comments “an example of the deviousness and cold heart of our treacherous enemy.”

Homeland Security also announced finding a disintegration gun signed by “M. Martian”  in Harrison’s basement.

In her daily briefing with reporters, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano said, “To those who are behind on their mortgage.  We know who you are and we are coming after you.”

The two opposing players met at half-court.  But instead of dribbling a basketball they locked arms and chanted “No tats, no peace!”  It was the NBA’s first pro-tattoo work stoppage.

Earlier NBA Commissioner David Stern, reacting to recent bad publicity and plummeting ratings, had instituted a “tattoo cap” for all NBA teams.  Under the terms of the cap, all NBA teams will be limited to 165 tattoos, or 11 tattoos per player.

Reaction from the NBA Player’s Association was swift.

“This is an egregious violation of our collective bargaining agreement” said NBPA President Derek Fisher.  “The only thing that has kept our people together, through years of slavery, death in coffin ships, Jim Crow, lynching, segregation and prejudice is the knowledge that one day we will be able to make millions of dollars and emulate black prison culture.”

Many at the NBPA complain that the cap will lead to an unnatural redistribution of tattoos throughout the league, if not eventual outright elimination of tattoos from basketball.

 ”What do I tell the kids playing on neighborhood courts” said Fisher.  “Do I tell them to choose between their tats and their dreams? What would Martin Luther King say?”

The NBA counters this argument by saying that they have the best interests of basketball at heart.

“We just want to level the playing field and give all teams access to tattoos. This will increase attendance” said David Stern.  “It’s the smart economic move to make.”

Stern then denied that he is anti-tattoo and pointed to his creation of an inner city tattoo program.

“We actually have people going to schools in disadvantaged neighborhoods and giving kids tattoos for free.  The point of the cap is not to eliminate tattoos but make the game fairer.” 

Stern then rolled up his sleeve to reveal his “Oy Vey” tattoo.  “You see.  I’m pro-tat.”

Despite Stern’s words the NBPA will seek to end the tattoo cap.

“See how the man takes away our dignity! If this cap is successful, it means that the east Europeans win” said Fisher.

BP engineers, discouraged by their failure to end the leak in the Gulf of Mexico have resorted to a new, desperate tactic that they feel is “most promising.”

Beginning today BP engineers will lower dozens of 52 inch flat screen TVs to the ocean floor.  Those TVs will broadcast World Cup soccer in hopes of putting the oil leak to sleep.

“This has never been tried before but in theory it has an excellent chance of succeeding” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a Methodist.

The idea of using soccer first occurred last week during a home invasion at the house of a BP executive.

“I was sitting at home when some burglars broke into my house.  They had guns and were threatening to beat me.  I happened to have the World Cup on TV.  They noticed and immediately fell to the floor unconscious.”

Word of the disabling effect of soccer spread rapidly.  Aware of the potential use of this BP set up an experimental test site where soccer, and only soccer, was shown on large screen TVs.

“The tests were more successful than we had hoped.  Soccer put everybody to sleep.  We brought in drunk college kids and grizzly bears who hadn’t eaten in days and put them together.  The bears started attacking and eating the college kids.  We then turned the TVs on.  After a few moments the bears noticed the soccer match and became drowsy.  Within minutes they were asleep” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a cat.

“Our preliminary results show that soccer can put more people to sleep than a Margaret Cho comedy show” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a shoe.

The only worry that BP has is the cultural orientation of the oil spill.

“It is the Gulf of Mexico.  If the oil spill is American the soccer will work.  If it is culturally Mexican then it won’t work” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a gazebo.

The Gulf oil spill could not be reached for comment.

When seven castaways were rescued from a tropical island, the skipper of the charter boat might have thought his problems were over.  But they were just beginning.

The Skipper, founder of S.S. Minnow Island Charter, Inc., has denied all wrongdoing in the beaching of his boat and subsequent stranding of his passengers, including a multimillionaire industrialist, his wife, a movie star and two others.

However his license to run his charter has been suspended.  One of his passengers, noted multimillionaire industrialist Thurston Howell III has been deeply critical of the Skipper.

“He promised us free lunches.  It says so right on his brochure.  But when I got on board I found out I had to pay for my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

Mr. Howell continues:

“He knew I was a millionaire.  That’s why he crashed the boat. It was blackmail pure and simple.  He was after my money.”

Actress Ginger Grant seems to corroborate Mr. Howell’s story.

“I was  hired for one reason.  I was hired to distract Howell with my sexuality. Then the Skipper would take his money. Though why a multimillionaire industrialist would bring suitcases full of cash on board a charter boat is beyond me.”

Ms. Grant is suing the Skipper for loss of work and back wages.

“I was on that island for three years.  I lost out on so many good roles that went to other, less talented actresses whose  sex appeal obviously cannot match mine.”

The Skipper denies he had any plot to steal Howell’s money.  He also denies using Ms. Grant as bait.

“She (Grant) has a high opinion of herself.  I never found her that sexy.  Personally I liked the other girl.  I forget her name.  We had two other passengers but Gilligan and I just called them ‘the rest’ since they were quiet and kept to themselves.”

The Skipper also denies being the brains behind any so-called extortion plot.

“It wasn’t my island.  It was Gilligan’s Island” said the Skipper, referring to his first mate.   “It was his Island.  He was responsible for everything!”

First mate Gilligan has reportedly struck a deal with prosecutors to provide evidence against the Skipper in return for immunity.

Authorities have called this the most unusual extortion case they have ever seen.

“It was just a three hour tour!  A three hour tour.  That means they would go out for an hour and a half and come back.   So they  were no more than 12 nautical miles from port.  And the passengers couldn’t figure this out?  The millionaire, his wife, the movie star and the two others. I forget their names.  You know, the rest?  Are they morons?” said a detective with Honolulu’s police force.

Speaking from the Oval Office for the first time, President Obama promised worried Americans that his Administration is doing all in its power to plug the oil leak ravaging the Gulf Coast.

“Today, as we look to the Gulf, we see an entire way of life being threatened by a menacing cloud of black crude.  And no I’m not referring to Whoopi Goldberg” said the President.

President Obama, then went on to talk about the winning spirit of Americans and how the spill will not defeat the United States.

“Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser.  We have the finest equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world.”

After a brief encouragement to America, President Obama, sensitive to criticism that he has not been tough enough, launched harshly into BP.

You know by God I actually pity those poor bastards at BP.  By God I do.  We’re not just going to shoot the bastards at BP, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our Priuses.  We’re going to murder those lousy BP Limeys by the bushel.  BP is the enemy.  Wade into them.  Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly.  When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was a pelican you’ll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any message that we are holding the line on the oil spill.  We’re not holding anything.  Let BP do that.  We’re going to stop this oil spill and we’re going to kick BP in the ass.  We’re going to kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re going to go through them like crap through a goose.

Thirty years from now when your sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you and what you did during the Great Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill you won’t have to say, “Well I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”  You didn’t shovel shit.  You shoveled oil!

Alright now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel.  Oh and I will be be proud to lead you wonderful guys into the oil spill anytime - anywhere.

That’s all.  Dismissed.

After President Obama’s speech the Republicans countered with a brief statement:

“While we are glad that the President is finally getting tough,  umm, we humbly ask, is he out of his freaking mind?”