New NASA Mission Poses Challenges
Thursday, July 8th, 2010
NASA, the government organization that landed Americans on the moon has a new mission. NASA administrator Charles Bolden announced that the agency will now seek to “improve the self-esteem of Muslims, to reach out to the Muslim world and make them feel good about themselves.”
The new program, dubbed “Ottoman Empire” is set to have its first launch in September with a flight from Cape Canaveral to Tehran.
“Landing in Tehran will be an historic occasion” said Bolden. “It will highlight the many contributions Muslims have made to space flight.”
Due to the sensitive nature of the flight NASA is taking no chances and round the clock training for the mission is now in progress.
“We don’t want any mistakes during the flight. We’ve already had a few accidents in training and we hope to iron out the kinks by September.”
Bolden is referring to a series of incidents including the deaths of three astronauts in a fire.
CMP: Smoke……I smell smoke.
LMP: Fire. We have a fire in the cockpit!
CAPCOM: Roger we acknowledge your fire in the cockpit. But how does this help improve the self-esteem of Muslims?
CMP: We need a fire extinguisher!
CAPCOM: Negative on the extinguisher. Allah disapproves. You’re going to have to beat the flames with your hands.
In another accident there was an explosion in the command module. The astronauts barely escaped with their lives.
Commander: Houston we have a problem. We are venting something into space. It has to be the oxygen. We’re losing our oxygen and have 11 minutes of power left.
CAPCOM: Roger your venting. Pray to Allah and all will be well.
Commander: What the - we’re dying up here!
CAPCOM: Roger your dying. I have a message from Tehran. Your hair is too long.
The most serious accident involved reentry.
CMP: We are about to renter Earth’s atmosphere. What do the sensors show on our heat shield?
CAPCOM: We removed your heat shield before takeoff. Heat shields are an infidel abomination.
CMP: Roger that. I’d like to take this opportunity to express my admiration for Muslim culture and all the contributions they have made to science and - [transmission lost]
CAPCOM: We appreciate your outreach to the Muslim world. Hello? Ottoman Empire do you copy? I think they burned up.
Bolden acknowledges the challenges NASA faces in changing its mission.
“We did get some resistance from old timers who thought we should be going to Mars. What a bunch of crusaders!”