In Wake of Shooting, Ford’s Theater to Review Security Procedures
Reacting to uproar over the assassination of President Lincoln, Ford’s Theater has announced a “complete overhaul” of their security procedures.
“We should have seen this coming” said the Director of Ford’s Theater. “What with our slogan and all.”
He is referring to Ford’s Theater’s official slogan of “Come for the play. Stay for the assassination. Free deviled eggs!”
The new slogan will be: “Come for the play. No assassination tonight. Deviled eggs five for a dollar.”
In addition to the change in slogan, ushers will have to ask all patrons if they plan to assassinate the President. Those who respond in the affirmative will have their deviled eggs confiscated. They will also be asked to have sexual relations with Mrs. Lincoln.
“Fear can be a very powerful motivator.”
The Presidential Box will become an “assassination free zone.” A security guard will be placed outside the box with orders to shoot on sight anyone “suspicious looking and/or with deviled eggs on their breath.”
The practice of pinning a note on the President’s back that says “Shoot me” will be discontinued.
“We feel these new procedures will help rehabilitate our image and we hope that President Johnson will visit us. We’ve even stocked the President’s box with plenty of booze.”
In related news the alleged assassin John Wilkes Booth was cornered and shot to death in a barn in Virginia.
“It was easy to find him” said the general in charge of the hunt. “We just followed the trail of deviled eggs.”
August 6th, 2010 at 10: 34: 52 AM
Deviled eggs? I’m there– assassination or no assassination!
August 6th, 2010 at 12: 27: 20 PM
If we had UN Blue Helmets watching the Theater, this kind of stuff wouldn’t be happening.
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Off topic but I can’t help it…
You know I’m more of an NLer but I think I have to start rooting for the Yankees after hearing the D-Rays snivel about losing ‘cuz a pop-up hit their roof.
Hello! You’re in FLOR-I-DUH! You don’t get snowed out! You don’t need no steenkin’ dome to play your ball in!
August 6th, 2010 at 12: 36: 07 PM
Look, even at five for a dollar, that’s pretty good for devilled eggs.
August 6th, 2010 at 3: 00: 18 PM
KH: If they exhume Lee Harvey Oswald’s body I bet you they’d find deviled eggs.
Inn: Why does Florida even have a ML franchise? Much less two? I think Tropicana Field should change the ground rules: If a ball hits the catwalk Beer is free for the next two innings.
KS: I thought I saw you on the grassy knoll!!
August 6th, 2010 at 3: 01: 45 PM
Inn: P.S. if the UN Blue Helmets were at the theater all they would do would be to rape Mrs. Lincoln and then blame the Jews.
August 7th, 2010 at 9: 19: 23 AM
What, no body scanners? Metal detectors? What is a night at the theater coming to?
August 7th, 2010 at 10: 10: 42 AM
Those options are more expensive than confiscation of deviled eggs.
August 7th, 2010 at 5: 39: 46 PM
This is an ironclad means to stop assassinations. I mean, first they ask people. That’s pretty bulletproof. Then, with the deviled eggs? It’s foolproof!
August 8th, 2010 at 8: 07: 07 AM
And we all know that if you ask someone a direct question they will tell the truth! Foolproof! And it’s a well-known fact assassins prefer deviled eggs.
August 8th, 2010 at 5: 16: 37 PM
I can’t seem to find the coat I’m looking for. This is the Burlington Coat Factory site, right?
August 9th, 2010 at 12: 04: 36 AM
For the last time, I am NOT associated with Burlington Coat Factory. Though I do have a nice selection of ties.
August 11th, 2010 at 2: 52: 26 PM
Other than that, how was the play?