Yankees Lose; Disappoint Holiday Crowd
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010“90 percent of this game is half mental” ~ Yogi Berra
It was a bad weekend of baseball. Sunday I went to see minor league baseball. The Staten Island Yankees lost to the Vermont Lake Monsters 7-4. And today, on a clear, beautiful late summer afternoon, a holiday no less, the Yankees lost to the Baltimore Orioles 4-3.
I blame God.
As I took my seat I was greeted by the horrible sight of A.J. Burnett warming up in the bullpen. Immediately I knew. I knew.
Like having a blind man pierce your testicles, today’s game would be very very painful.
Before the game the Yankees continuously announced the greatest “hip hop” concert ever, to be held at Yankee Stadium starring the “two greatest living hip hop artists, Jay-Z and Emimen.
***Breaking News***
Jay-Z and Emimen have both been shot dead.
***Breaking News***
Well, so much for the world’s greatest living Hip Hop artists. Nature of the business I suppose.
Before the game the Yankees also had a ceremony at home plate to promote their efforts to end Lupus. One in 500 women will have Lupus. Wow. Who knew Mission Impossible star Peter Lupus got around that much. Must be the hair. 
On a personal note a bumble bee continually plagued me and the rest of the people sitting in the bleachers. The bumble bee was, fortunately, cornered and beaten savagely by Yankee Stadium security. Serves the bee right for trying to get into seats he didn’t pay for. Punk!
But onto the game.
A.J. Burnett actually pitched decently despite losing the game, pitching seven innings and giving up four runs on seven hits while walking four and striking out five.
The Orioles started Brian Matusz (10-13. 5.15 ERA) and as with all crappy pitchers the Yankees could not solve him. Note to opposing managers: If you want to beat the Yankees, give us your worst pitchers.
Derek “Rapidly aging but who cares - I have Minka Kelly” led off the game with a double. That would be the Yankees last hit until AROD hit a game-tying home run into the left-field bleachers in the fourth. (The Orioles having scored a run in the third.)
The Yankees tied it up in the sixth when AROD, barely missing his second home run hit a sacrifice fly to right scoring Nick Swisher. Mark Teixeira then scored on a Robinson Cano single. 3-3 after six.
But alas Baltimore scored the game winning run in the top of the seventh.
As as consequence I have ordered the Air Force to carpet bomb Baltimore. No one will miss it.
Notes on the game:
Today AROD drove in his 100th run for the 13th season in a row. He celebrated by having Jeter inject him with HGH. Strictly platonic you know.
Nick Johnson Injury Watch:
Surprising no one, the Yankees have announced the end of the Nick Johnson era as Johnson had to undergo season-ending wrist surgery. During the operation a freak electrical spark ignited the operating room resulting in a massive explosion killing everyone. All that was left of Johnson, besides his guts on the wall, was his extended middle finger. The Yankees and Steiner Sports have announced that the middle finger will be sold as “authentic Yankee memorabilia.” So if you have 5000 dollars, bid up.
Recommended reading material:
James Madison, a Biography by Ralph Ketcham.
Reader mail:
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I just did some acid man and I’m scared.”
D.B. you have nothing to be scared of. Except the Phillies chances of reaching the postseason of course.
S.J. of Manhattan writes, “I am white, and I am proud.”
Umm. You should stop smoking that stuff.
A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I recently shot, stabbed and decapitated a client. But he didn’t pay me before I killed him. Can I charge his widow?”
I don’t see why not. Business is business.
Thomas Aquinas writes, “As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power.”
Wow. Talk about bitter. Somebody got screwed by their divorce lawyer.
Anyway, my record stands at a nothing to write home about 10-8. My next game is Monday September 20th against the Yankee killing Toronto Blue Jays.
Go Yankees!