Manhattan Infidel

On Saturday afternoon on the West Coast Whitney Houston was found dead in her bathtub at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  I have held off reporting on her death until now because I didn’t want to rush to judgment until I had all the facts I was drunk Saturday and Sunday and in jail Monday and Tuesday.

There are many theories and the toxicology results won’t be available for weeks but after a thorough investigation, and in keeping with my status as a member of the mainstream media of presenting stories that are “fake, yet accurate” I can now give my readers the real cause of Whitney Houston’s death:  She was killed by Sarah Palin.

Here are the facts:

• Whitney Houston  was a successful black women and a threat to the white power structure.
• Sarah Palin is the ex-governor of Alaska, a state whose population is only 3% black.  Hence, Sarah Palin hates black people.

Now onto the events of that fateful evening in California.

At approximately 3:30 local time Houston’s entourage finds her submerged in her bathtub and makes a valiant but unsuccessful effort to revive her.  Why were they unable to revive her despite their CPR efforts?  There could be many reasons but the facts show that Sarah Palin imported racist, black-hating water from Alaska in her desire to kill Houston. This racist, black-hating water pulled Houston under and held her there until she was dead.  Think this isn’t possible?  Watch Supernatural.  They had an episode like that.

At 3:35 p.m. local time Sarah Palin checks out of the Beverly Hills hotel but not before telling those at the front desk that “I just killed a black woman.  Why?  Because I’m Sarah Palin that’s why!”

Note:  There is no physical evidence that Sarah Palin was in Los Angeles last Saturday much less that she was at the Beverly Hilton.  Yet I believe the facts, while not “factual” in the “fact” sense of “factness” display a higher truth, a certain “truthiness.“  And that higher truth is that Republicans hate black folk.  Sarah Palin is a Republican. Hence, Sarah Palin hates black folk.

In 2008 during her debate with Joe Biden, Sarah Palin said that if she was elected she would “kill a powerful black woman, perhaps Whitney Houston or Tyler Perry.”

Note:  I cannot find the exact quote in the debate transcripts but I’m sure she said it.  It has an air of higher truth to it.

On Sunday morning on her Facebook page Sarah Palin posted this status:  “I just killed a black woman!  And I feel great!”

Note:  I don’t have a screen shot of this and I haven’t seen it myself but someone told me that someone else heard someone in a bar say that they saw it.  This is good enough for me.  It has the ring of truthiness to it.

And there you have it readers.  Factual evidence that Whitney Houston was killed by Sarah Palin.  Will there be more victims?  Only if we can stop Sarah before she strikes again.  Do it for the higher truth.

In a display of naked racism not seen since the heyday of the Ku Klux Klan, NASA’s Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite plunged to Earth, leaving a trail of disenfranchised in its wake.

The satellite, no doubt acting under orders from Tea Party leaders blazed through the night sky.  Though no one was hurt by falling debris the world was united in outrage.

Hollywood was quick to show its support for any peoples of color who might have been traumatized.

From New York, where he was appearing in a specially written segment of the Vagina Monologues entitled, “My Step Granddaughter’s Vagina. Oh how I love it”  Morgan Freeman speculated that if a white man was President, the UARS satellite would have remained in orbit.

Since Barack Obama became President racism has increased in this country.  We as a country have ask ourselves, if Barack Obama were white would the satellite have killed thousands of black people as it fell to Earth?  This satellite is racist.  There can be no other explanation.   Have I mentioned that my step granddaughter is 27 and I’ve been hitting that since she was 17?

On her nightly news show on MSNBC, Rachel Maddow speculated that perhaps the satellite was angered by same sex marriage.

It’s no coincidence that this satellite fell to Earth immediately after New York legalized same sex marriage.  It’s no coincidence that satellites are shaped like penises.  I’ve never seen a penis myself but I’ve heard about them.  They cause wars.  Well, this satellite is a penis!  A 42 ton silver penis!   And I’m outraged.  How low can Republicans sink?

Al Sharpton promised a day of outrage.  “Resist we much satellites” he said.  He also promised that if the satellite killed any minorities his followers will march through Harlem disrupting traffic and burning down Jewish-owed businesses but mostly burning down Jewish-owned businesses.

Hollywood has announced that it has greenlighted a movie called “Terror in the Night Sky” about a satellite that falls to the Earth after its orbit degrades and because Sarah Palin told it to kill black people but mostly because its orbit degrades.  The movie will star Jenny McCarthy as a sensitive and dedicated headmistress of an orphanage for autistic peoples of color that is in the direct path of the satellite’s fury.

“The script was the most compelling thing I’ve ever read”  said McCarthy.  “I play the hero.  I get to save all the children by distracting the satellite with my nonautistic breasts.”

The satellite will be played by Gerard Depardieu.

“He wasn’t the first choice” according to a studio executive.  “But he showed up in my office one day and kept pissing on my carpet. He said he wouldn’t stop until he got the job.”

On Tuesday August 23rd 2011, a date that which that which …..oh screw it. Which is correct?  That or which?  I’ve heard both people.  I’ve heard both!  It’s a date to live in infamy.  The City of New York was hit by a 5.9 earthquake on the Richter scale.

Besides the untold millions in psychological damage inflicted a wounded city united to ask itself one question:    Whom is to blame? Why me? Is the “massage” parlor still open?  Okay, technically that was three questions.  But they are one in spirit.

But whom is to blame? Yes, I know certain backward, uneducated troglodytes out there think that the earthquake was the result of “natural” forces such as so-called plate tectonics.

Hah!  I disdain your belief in plate tectonics.  I disdain your SUVs (those weapons of terror).  And most of all, I disdain your cheese!  Yes.  Your individually wrapped slices of Velveeta cheese I disdain!

Um.  What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  The earthquake.  I apologize for my anti-cheese rant but I get worked up over the subject.

The earthquake.  Whose fault is it? Some blame global warming (perhaps the tears of a polar bear tipped the fragile ecological balance?)

Perhaps Michelle Bachman caused the earthquake by her sexually permissive lifestyle? Maybe.  But I will withhold judgment on this until I fabricate see the video.

Perhaps the earthquake was caused by space aliens who wanted to send a message to Earth to stop fighting President Obama’s wise economic redistribution polices?  Maybe.  I personally think a valid case can be made for this.  But again, I will withhold judgment until the orderly gives me my medication there is proof.

But the real cause culprit behind the earthquake is we you the American people! Yes, we you are to blame!

For weeks now there has been a badge on my site asking people to contribute.  And in those weeks has any of the thousands eight people who read my blog contributed?  No!

I know what you are saying:  But Manhattan Infidel, the money they give me making license plates here in prison is not much and the money I made on my crime spree has gone to the victims.

This excuse is only partially valid.  I am not bending over for the soap.

Even though you are currently incarcerated you have a large degree of power over the five families.  Have someone on the outside give me money.

After all, we are all socialists now.

Thank you.

P.S. If any space aliens are reading my blog welcome to Earth!

Dateline April 19, 1775.  Ye Olde New York Times.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times have just received dispatches telling of an actual physical outbreak of violence between King George’s troops and angry militia members at Lexington and Concord in the colony of Massachusetts Bay.

We have long feared this moment and place the blame squarely where it belongs:  With the militia of the several colonies.

The angry, anti-government, unchristian rhetoric promulgated by those in the so-called opposition could only lead to further violence.  We here at Ye Old New York Times denounce the Adams’ of Massachusetts Bay and Patrick Henry of Virginia.

We ponder their words and actions and denounce them as traitors to His Most Liberal and Enlightened King George III.  We further ask our readers what sort of people are these in the so-called opposition?  We find that they are small, bitter men, clinging to their guns.

Yes, they cling to their so-called right to bear arms.

For what was the primary reason that the King’s troops marched out of Boston towards Concord?  They had orders to find and destroy guns stored by the Concord Militia.

We ask our readers why an enlightened and free people, protected by the most Liberal and humane government in Europe need to own guns?   There can be only one reason:  Violence!

We at Ye Olde New York Times ask His Majesty King George to respond to this crisis in an energetic fashion.  We ask him to curtail, if not outright prohibit, the private ownership of guns.  We also ask his Majesty to outlaw the militia of the several colonies.

For rights are not absolute. If the so-called right of free assembly and the so-called right to bear arms lead to violence they must be eliminated.  Our government cannot be allowed to become destabilized.  We further add that anything that curtails the power of the State is immoral.

Patrick Henry has famously stated, “Give me liberty or give me death!”

Now that literal and not just figurative death has visited these shores we pray that the Angel of Death visit Mr. Henry and give him what he so desperately deserves!  We also pray that peace be restored to the King’s Dominions.

The Editorial Board of Ye Olde New York Times

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Dateline 5th July 1776.  From Ye Olde New York Times:

The entire political world of the 13 colonies of British North America has been thrown into turmoil due to the publication of a “Declaration of Independence” by the so-called Continental Congress, which as we remind our readers is an illegal usurpation of legitimate, liberal, enlightened authority.

Perhaps fearing repercussions from their cowardly act of hatred, the so-called Continental Congress at first refused to name the author of the hate-filled document.  But after intensive investigation we have learned that the author of the charged screed is none other than Thomas Jefferson, a 33 year-old member of the illegal congress representing the colony of Virginia.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times decry Mr. Jefferson’s angry charged rhetoric and ask him to tone down his language.  How long before one of his misguided followers uses this document as justification for arresting or, worse, killing one of the King’s legally sanctioned representatives in the colonies?

Mr. Jefferson states in this document that the King has “erected a multitude of new offices and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people.”

Is this not a direct incitement to violence?  Already the Royal Governor of New Jersey, Sir William Franklin, ironically son of Benjamin Franklin, a prominent member of the angry opposition, has been arrested by the Provincial Congress of New Jersey.  Why?  Because the Royal Governor quite rightly refused to recognize this illegal assembly.

Mr. Jefferson also writes that the King has “plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives our our people.”

We here at Ye Olde New York Times deny that the King has done any of this.  If individual acts of violence have been done by the King’s troops they were done in defense of legally constituted authority.

Not content with inciting his followers with his rhetoric Mr. Jefferson has resorted to Ad hominem attacks, at one point calling the King a “tyrant, unfit to be the ruler of a free people.”

The times we live in are fraught with danger.  Individual acts of violence against the King have been committed by an extreme band of angry followers of Mr. Jefferson and his ilk.

In the name of peace we ask one final time for Mr. Jefferson to cease his writing and accept the authority of the  most enlightened and liberal of rulers, his Majesty King George III.

Ye Olde New York Times

5th July 1776

Today a bear relieved himself in the woods. Across America panicked citizens called into talk radio and asked what it meant.

On Mike Malloy’s progressive talk radio shot Malloy talked about the day’s events.

I think the fact that this bear has seen fit to relieve himself in the woods can be laid at the feet of John Boehner.  Obviously the climate of hatred that Boehner and the Republicans spew out every day made this bear feel that he could do this with no repercussions.  I just thank god that no one, except for the innocent vegetation shat upon was hurt.  And I hope Boehner rots in hell.

Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters that the bear’s relieving itself was not a “spontaneous act” but that it was “obviously preplanned.  Perhaps it’s symptomatic of the inherent racism of American wildlife.  Would this bear have shit in the woods if a black man weren’t in the White House?”

Reid then introduced legislation to set up special “low-flow” environmentally friendly toilets throughout the wild for the bears.

At the White House an energized and masculine President Obama, muscles bulging and with manly socialist testosterone coursing through his system ordered a Navy seal team to kill the bear, wisely avoiding the advice of extremists who wanted the bear water boarded.

Several helicopters carrying the Navy seal team located the bear and, during a 40-minute firefight shot and killed the bear.  To avoid having fellow bears use his grave as a shrine the bear’s body was anointed in compliance with bear customs and dumped in an area of the Pacific now known as “The Ocean of Bear Martyrs.”

Curiously no photos of the dead bear were released, presumably so as to not further inflame the bear community.

“It’s all about outreach” said the President.  “I want bears to know that we are not at war with them.  Well, except for the polar bears who can all go the hell.”

Because of the decisive way in which President Obama handled the public-shitting bear menace many in the media now feel that he is virtually unbeatable in 2012.

“I’d like to see a Republican try to beat this black magic man” said Joe Scarborough on his morning talk show.  “While the Republicans dither about deficits our President is protecting us from our enemies.”

A spokesbear for the bear community has vowed to continue shitting in the woods.  He also denied being in touch with Sarah Palin.

al-Qaeda is leaderless no more.  In a plebiscite conducted by al-Qaeda members Osama Bin Laden’s close associate and number two Ayman al-Zawahiri was named the leader of the worldwide terrorist organization.

al-Zawahari garnered 52% of the vote, beating out Saif al-Adel who had 40% and dark horse candidate Carrot Top who received 8%.

Said an al-Qaeda spokesman:

Saif was a strong contender but we feel he lacked the strategic vision of al-Zawahiri.  As for Carrot Top, while we respect his ability to strike fear and loathing into the western heart he lacked experience with bombs.  Except for his act.  But I make with the jokes.

Upon receiving the news of his election, al-Zawahari immediately gathered up his belongings and changed his location but not before stressing that he did not ask to be elected.

Come on guys, two more years and I get my al-Qaeda pension.  Now that I’m the leader what are my chances of living two years?  Thanks a lot!  The Twilight sequel is coming out soon and I don’t want to miss that.

al-Zawahiri’s comment points out a problem for al-Qaeda in 2011:  Its leadership has the life expectancy of a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead.

In the month since the kinetic action which deprived Bin Laden of his life al-Qaeda has been desperately searching for a new leader but has been unable to precisely because of the longevity factor.  Five members asked to lead the organization turned it down.  Three claimed family obligations, one reported concerns about his health and one took a job at NBC instead.

In desperation al-Qaeda turned to Katie Couric, asking her to lead the organization.

“She knows the west, needs a job and besides, most of us think she’s so perky and cute” said an al-Qaeda spokeman.

Couric turned down the job, not wanting to relocate from New York City.

It was then that al-Qaeda turned to the plebiscite that elected al-Zawahiri.  Calls to al-Zawahiri asking for a comment have not been returned though it is worth mentioning that he has changed his email to:

Hi.  You’ve reached Ayman al-Zawahiri.  I can’t come to the phone now……..DRONES!!  Praise Allah that was close.  Yes, I can’t answer your call but please leave a message and …….what….did you hear that? DRONES!!!  DRONES!!! Everyone duck!

The CIA denies knowing his whereabouts.

Autopsies have been completed on those who died in the January shooting in Tuscon that injured Representative Gabrielle Giffords.   The results show a stunning climate of hate.

Writes the deputy medical examiner for Pina County:

A gunshot entrance wound is at the left lower back, 24 inches from the top of the head and three inches left of midline.  Clearly this was an angry bullet.  Sarah Palin has blood on her hands.

Another victim had gunshot wounds to the “head and left buttocks.”

It wasn’t enough for the right-wing media and their climate of hate to shoot this woman in the head, depriving America of female (and by extension non-male) thinking, but the bullets tore through her buttocks, violating the woman’s personal space. This bullet did not respect women. This bullet was a rapist.

The youngest victim was nine-year old Christina-Taylor Green who died from a single “hate-filled, angry white bullet” that tore through her aorta, stomach, small intestine and right kidney.

“Ironic” writes the medical examiner.  “I would have thought this bullet would have entered her left kidney, the socialist kidney.”

All the deaths have one thing in common.

“The manner of death” the medical examiner said again and again “is certified as homicide caused by hate-filled bullet rhetoric.”

Congress has acted strongly to this fresh evidence of a climate of hate infecting America.

Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has introduced the “peace-loving bullet” bill as it  has become known.  Under provisions of the bill, all bullets before entering a human body will first ascertain the victim’s party affiliation.  If the victim is a Democrat the bullet, equipped with special guidance software will divert from the intended human target and harmlessly hit the nearest wall, street or tea party activist.

If the victim is a Republican the bullet will be directed towards the head to disable the source of hate.

Representative Weiner called his bill “necessary and proper to bring peace back to our ravaged, torn country.”

Manufacturers of bullets oppose the bill, saying it is an unnecessary expense that will drive up costs, putting many of them out of business.

“I would expect them to say that” said Weiner.  “They probably all watch Fox news anyway.”

In a spectacular and daring move, British troops marched on Washington D.C. today and proceeded to burn the Executive Mansion, the Capitol and other buildings.

While a state of war does currently exist between the United States and Great Britain no motive was given for the burning.  Many are blaming the charged political rhetoric in the nation’s Capitol.

President Madison who is currently in hiding has taken much heat for the unpopular war from many in his own party.  Said Madison’s press secretary:

I blame ye olde talk print newspapers.  They are irresponsible and the things they say about the President probably caused some unbalanced people in the British army to want to burn the Executive Mansion down.

Still others in the administration had another explanation.  Said Madison’s Secretary of War James Monroe:

I think the fault lies with Sarah Palin.  I know that explanation sounds pretty far fetched, seeing as she hasn’t been born yet but I think I know what I’m talking about.  I’m not stupid.  Not like people say!

The President’s wife, Dolly Madison, who barely avoided capture by the British said:

I think we need a new era of civility in Washington.  I ask the Federalists to tone down their rhetoric.  My husband is not a midget!  He’s almost five feet three inches tall.  I hate Washington.  I just want to retire to our plantation in Virginia and make cupcakes.

Congressional leaders have vowed that if they ever return to Washington, their first priority will be to introduce a bill that would make it a crime to call the President a “midget, small person, differentially-sized or Thomas Jefferson’s bitch.”

General Robert Ross, officer in charge of the British troops that attacked Washington told reporters that

I thought I was doing the Americans a favor by burning the Capitol and the Executive Mansion.  Who builds their capitol in the middle of a swamp anyway?  Well, I’m off to attack Baltimore.  Classy city.  Classy ladies of the evening.

Federalist leaders could not be reached for comment but many deny responsibility for the attack.

Young Billy is a 17-year old boy who enjoys math riddles, glee club and has plans to run for student body President.  All that changed in an instant.

Last week Billy asked popular cheerleader Shannon to the prom.  He was rejected. In a cold-blooded utterance that can only be described as “terroristic in intent” Shannon told Billy that he “wasn’t her type.”

Now a devastated Billy stays in his room playing online video games, occasionally taking time out to mow the lawn or read the Bible.

The backlash against Shannon and her hate-filled rejection of Billy is intense.  Many local residents blame talk radio.

“It’s Rush Limbaugh’s fault” said one.

“Fox news and talk radio” said another.  “I don’t like what they have to say.   They promote a climate of hate.  Why else would she reject him?”

The local Democratic party pickets outside Shannon’s house.

“Hey.  Ho.  Hate speech has got to go!’ read the placards. One person picketing outside her house told reporters:

Words have consequences.  We ask Shannon to tone down her rhetoric. Because of her actions peace in our community has been destroyed and one boy now is reduced to reading the Bible.  Clearly his life is ruined forever!

Shannon herself is now confined to her house, afraid to venture out.

“What the hell is wrong with these people” said Shannon in a typical irresponsible hate-filled utterance.

Billy’s plight has touched the nation and sympathy for him continues to pour in. From Harlem, local activist Al Sharpton said:

I blame the climate of hate espoused by the right wing.  Conservatives and talk radio are responsible.  And the Jews.  We mustn’t forget the Jews.  They’re behind this somehow.  That’s why I occasionally torch Jew-owned stores in Harlem.

Congress has taken action.  The “Defense of Pimply 17-Year Old Boys Act” (H.R. 2534) has been introduced and is expected to pass  The bill makes it a crime for any popular high school girl to “knowingly turn down a nerd.”

Said ex-President Bill Clinton:

It’s time for the madness to stop!  I feel young Billy’s pain.  Well, actually I don’t, having never been turned down by a woman.  Hooo-yeah!!  Then again when I was growing up we didn’t have talk radio and their right-wing climate of hate.

Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment, presumably because he was busy inciting violence against the Government with his hate-filled conservative rhetoric.

As for young Billy, he hopes to one day be “pimple-free.“  But things appear to be looking up for him. He has already joined eHarmony.

So far my only match has been a 58-year old Serbian grandmother who suckles live wolves and listens to Lady Gaga.  But she’s a woman at least.