Manhattan Infidel

Bowing to overwhelming public demand Mayor Bloomberg (pictured here) has declared February to be Manhattan Infidel history month.

February has traditionally been black history month.  Well now I am proud to announce that in addition to this February will now be known as Manhattan Infidel month.  Both deserve to have a month named in their honor. Blacks have made numerous important contributions to American culture.  Manhattan Infidel has pictures of me smoking, wearing a cheerleading outfit and singing Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes. So let’s just get the damn month over with alright? Yeah, I like to sing show tunes while dressed as a cheerleader.  It relaxes me.  Deal with it.  You know what?  I don’t need this shit I’m a billionaire.

The schedule of events for Manhattan Infidel month is as follows:

• On Monday February 13th Manhattan Infidel will give a five-hour speech from the steps of city hall while wearing only underwear.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who do not will have to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear.  Those who refuse to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear will be forced to wear his underwear on their head.  Those who refuse to wear his underwear on their head will be given New York Knicks tickets.  Those who refuse New York Knicks tickets will be given New York Mets tickets.  Those who refuse New York Mets tickets will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother.
• On Wednesday February 15th Manhattan Infidel will hold an exclusive invitation-only “bobbing for razor blades” social at the 25th street armory.  Those who are invited to attend but refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother and deliver New York Mets tickets.
• On Thursday February 16th Broadway will be renamed “Pussy Galore” Avenue. Why?  Because that’s what Manhattan Infidel wants.  And it’s not wise to go against the will of Manhattan Infidel.  Not while he’s off his meds anyway.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend the renaming ceremony.  Those who refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy pour lotion on their mother’s back while asking her “if she’s into it?“
• On Saturday February 18th Manhattan Infidel will be making a personal appearance at Fitzgerald’s Pub between the hours of opening and closing.  Manhattan Infidel will be signing autographs, posing for pictures and handing out his underwear.  All New Yorkers and all those who read his blog will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have Ron Jeremy “audition” their mother for a film role.
• And finally on Friday February 24th Manhattan Infidel month will close with a special ceremony where Manhattan Infidel will be captured and re-institutionalized.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have their mother bear Ron Jeremy’s love child.

And there you have it readers.  Manhattan Infidel month promises to be the start of a great tradition.  Void where prohibited by law.

New York City today mourns.  Staten Island Chuck, a symbol of the resiliency, vibrancy and life of our fair city, is dead, murdered by Mayor Bloomberg.

As part of the traditional Groundhog Day celebration at the Staten Island Zoo, Chuck, a peace-loving and gentle groundhog emerged from his burrow.  But before he had a chance to see his shadow Mayor Bloomberg, perhaps in revenge for a 2009 incident where Chuck bit him, strangled him in front of astonished and horrified onlookers.

“The mayor literally squeezed the life out of him” said one woman.

“I haven’t stopped crying” said another.

“My children keep asking me what death is” declared a third woman.

For his part Mayor Bloomberg defended his actions.

I have a responsibility as the ruler of all New Yorkers to make sure that the quality of life remains high.  When I picked up Staten Island Chuck I was amazed at how overweight he was.  There can be no doubt that soda is to blame.  He probably is chugging down a few liters of Pepsi every day.  By killing him I prevented him from getting diabetes from all the sugar.  I saved him from having to get a limb amputated.

Bloomberg also maintained that he had a moral responsibility to kill Chuck and that leaving him alive would have been sinful.

It is my job to warn all New Yorkers about the dangers to their soul caused by sense-excitation, which as we all know is the gateway to concupiscence.  Staten Island Chuck excited the senses putting the lives of my subjects in jeopardy.  You’ll thank me for this one day. 

However many are not buying the Mayor’s explanation.  Salil Shetty, Secretary General of Amnesty International expressed outrage.

This was a judicial murder carried out by the state.  I ask all enlightened people to contact Mayor Bloomberg and tell him that in today’s day and age the death penalty is not an acceptable option.

Staten Island Chuck leaves behind a wife, Clarice and six young groundhogs.  Speaking to reporters the grieving widow reminisced about the first time she him.

I was love at first sight.  He was so cute. He was floating on a log in the Arthur Kill playing with his genitals and making mating noises.  He looked just like Pee Wee Herman.  I knew he was the woodchuck for me.  Well, at least until the next mating cycle.

Per Staten Island Chuck’s last will and testament his body will be placed by fellow groundhogs on logs before being set on fire.

Following up on yesterday’s post where I discussed hate-filled racist code words that are destroying America I will now talk about the nature of racism itself.  What is racism? How can we stop it? And most importantly, why hasn’t Lauren Graham done a nude scene yet?   And so I now present the signs of racism.  May we bring this scourge to an end.

• Reducing people of other races to stereotypes

Believing that some races are better at certain jobs or functions is just wrong.  Granted not as wrong as Kathy Bates nude scene in About Schmidt but wrong nevertheless.   Unless of course we are referring to Croatians and their natural ability to play basketball.  Those bastards.

• Pride in one’s country

Being proud of your country is an obvious sign of racism.  For example many people (probably bitter clingers to guns and religion) believe that the United States is a “great” country.  If America is so great how come it’s not a socialist country?  Look at the many evils of America:  Income inequality. Capitalism.  The New York Mets.  How can an intelligent person believe this country is great?

• Association

Racists love to associate with each other in racist organizations such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Boy Scouts and Arizona.  If you belong to any of these organizations you are a racist. If you are  Ku Klux Klan member who lives in Arizona and are a scout master you are a triple racist, like Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

• Invisibility

 It is typical of racists to ignore social injustice.  If you believe that you are under no obligation to curb obvious social injustices such as income inequality or Justin Beiber you are a racist.

• Cheese

Cheese is a notoriously racist food.   Cheese is white or yellow.  Why is there no black cheese?  (Excepting the cheese in the back of my refrigerator of course.)  If you like to eat cheese, if you have ever eaten cheese, if you have ever seen cheese in a supermarket, if you have ever seen a picture of cheese you are a racist.  A racist who belongs to the Ku Klux Klan.  And lives in Arizona.  And you are probably a scout master.

• Spontaneous respiration

Do you inhale and exhale?  Do you do this without even thinking about it?  Then you are a racist. Spontaneous respiration kills polar bears.  Don’t ask how.  The science is settled.

• Penises

The penis is a racist organ.  There is a scientific correlation between penile erection, violence and fear.  The penis is evil.  The penis shoots seeds and makes new life to poison the Earth with the plague of men.

And there you have it readers.  Be on the lookout for cheese-eating Ku Klux Klan members from Arizona who have penises.  Most likely they are racist.

In the light of Newt Gingrich’s racist victory in the racist state of South Carolina, a victory brought about in large part through the use of racist code words, we here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel would like to provide our readers with a guide to said racist code words

• “Work” will now be considered a racist code word.  If you use the word “work” in conversation you are a racist who hates people of color.   For example:  If you say, “It’s been a long day at work” we know what you are really saying is “If only I had more time to lynch black folk.”  Face it.  You are racist.  How long have you been voting Republican?
• “Hello” is a racist code word.  Here is a typical example:  If you say, “Hello. Nice to meet you”  what you are really saying is “Hello.  Where is the Klan meeting?” Face it whitey.  You are a despicable example of institutional white racism.  You are probably a Republican.
• “Constitution” is now a racist code word.  By even bringing up the constitution of the United States in conversation you are proving what a racist you are.  If you believe that the constitution gave us a limited government you are racist.  You are using your so-called belief in this so-called “constitution” as cover for your deep-seated hatred of all peoples of color.
• “Cheese” is a racist code word. If you say “I have too much cheese in my diet.  No wonder I’m constipated” what you are really saying is, “I want to bring back slavery.“
• “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a racist code word.  Why?  Don’t argue with me I’m a liberal.  You’re probably just too stupid to understand the connection you racist Republican.
• The letter “N” is racist a racist code word.  Well, letter anyway.  So now instead of simply finding the “N” word offensive, any word with any letter “N” in it is evidence of deep seated racism. If you use any words with the letter “N” in it you are racist.  Until the World Conference against Racism (WCAR) can come up with a replacement for the letter “N” I suggest that instead of using that letter, one should put one’s hands on one’s hips and say, “I’m a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout.” By doing this everyone will know you are not racist.
• “Zeppo Marx” is a racist code phrase.  If anyone dares mention Zeppo Marx, in speech or in writing,  let him be anathema.

And there you have it.  Just avoid using these racist code words and all will be okay. There are more racist code words of course that I haven’t mentioned here because of time constraints.  I’m off to a “Just say no to Zeppo Marx” conference.

I enjoy saying no to Zeppo Marx.  It makes me feel good about myself.

Here at Manhattan Infidel I am continually humbled by the Hollywood superstars who want to drop by for an interview.  And today is no exception.  I am pleased to have with me Mark Wahlberg, star of the new movie……well I’ve forgotten the title.  No big deal.  I heard it sucks anyway.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Wahlberg.

MW:  Do I frighten you?  You look frightened.

MI:  No…no actually I’m not frightened.

MW:  You should be.  I’m Mark Wahlberg.  I’m a bad ass.  I crush aluminum cans with my butt cheeks.

MI:  I see.

MW:  I arm wrestle kindergartners.  And win.

MI:  Okay.

MW:  And then I crush them with my butt cheeks.   

MI: You mentioned you were a bad ass.  Let’s talk about that.  You’re an action movie star.  You recently mentioned in an interview that if you were aboard the flight hijacked by Mohammed Atta on 9/11 things would have been different.  That you would have battled the terrorists.  That, and I’m quoting, “There would have been lots of blood in the first class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.  Don’t worry.’ ”

MW:  Yes.  That’s true.  I would have crushed Mohammed Atta’s face with my butt cheeks.  They can crush anything.  Did you know that my butt cheeks have won first prize in the butt cheek crushing competition five years in a row?

MI:  I - I did not know that.

MW:  Let me demonstrate.  Give me your cat. 

Cat: Meow.

MW:  [Placing cat between his buttocks.]  AAAAAAAAAAA!  Butt clench! [spurt of blood]

MI:  Oh now that’s disgusting.

MW:  Don’t worry.  Your cat felt no pain.  Only the awesome pleasure of being inside my butt cheeks.

MI:  I have to clean that up.  I’m going to ask you to leave now.

MW:  Would you like to get inside my butt cheeks?

MI:  No.  Please leave.

MW: You have a plant over there!  Hey plant.  My name is Mark Wahlberg.  I’m just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes.  We’re just here to use the bathroom and we’re going to leave.  I hope that’s okay.

MI:  Please leave.  Please leave now.

MW:  I think your plant sees me as a threat.  Maybe I should crush it with my butt cheeks?

MI:  Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with Mark Wahlberg who can currently be seen in the new movie that I’ve forgotten the name of but I hear it sucks.

Upon waking up this morning wearing woman’s clothing and heavily bruised refreshed and ready to great the day I decided to pick up the morning papers spend 15 minutes vomiting and checking my backside for new tattoos to see what I would write about.

After spending an hour watching The View studiously reading the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and taking notes on all the articles I can’t read  I still had no subject for today’s post.

In short, I was facing a quandary.  Much like Robert E. Lee when he had to decide between taking command of the Union Army or resigning his commission and fighting for the Confederacy or Barney Frank when he has to decide which Twilight movie to watch I was at a crossroads.

My public I am delusional expects me to write about current events.  And as a card-carrying member of the Main Stream Media I have a responsibility to present the facts vote Democratic.

And so readers like a member of the Main Stream Media I now give you the facts make the whole damn thing up.

Presenting breaking news and subjects for today’s post:

NANCY PELOSI CRUSHES BALL SACKS!!

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has come under fire after it was discovered that she likes to crush ball sacks while singing Gilbert and Sullivan show tunes.

Said Pelosi, “It’s true.  I’ve been doing this for years.  It helps me relax.  I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues in congress and my constituents.   Hey you….yeah you.  Get your ball sack over here!”

MICHELLE OBAMA ADMITS SHE’S A ROMULAN!!

First Lady Michelle Obama admitted today, when questioned about her past, that she is actually a Romulan.

“I am from the Romulan Empire.  And the Romulan Empire is a compassionate empire where capitalism is outlawed and socialism is the chief economic system.  We Romulans care for everybody who happens to be in our Empire.  Except for the Klingons.  They can go to hell.”

JOE BIDEN ADMITS HE SOMETIMES GET CONFUSED!!

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking to a phone booth in Jackson Hole, Wyoming admitted that he sometimes gets very confused.

“I sometimes lose touch with reality” admitted the VP.   He then waited patiently inside the phone booth for Dr. Who to show up.  At press time he was still in the booth.

And that readers is the latest news that’s fit to print make up.

Faced with the reality of a changing economic situation, Satan has announced that all souls tortured for eternity will now have to purchase a Personal Seat License (PSL).

Speaking from his vacation home in Long Island, Satan said, “Yeah, I didn’t want to have to do this. But economic reality is economic reality.   And if the Jets and the Carolina Panthers can do it why not Hell?”

Shortly after the new year condemned souls were sent the following form letter:

Dear condemned souls:

Thank you for your loyalty to Hell.  For the third decade in a row Hell has beaten out Detroit as the destination of choice for the condemned.  I and my fellow demons thank you.

However we cannot continue to give you the top notch services Hell provides without making upgrades.  As many of you know, our boiler needs to be replaced.  Several times last year the boiler stopped working and the temperature in Hell plummeted from 1000 to a comfortable 72.5 degrees Fahrenheit.  Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered the souls in my charge were no longer roasting in flames!

Also, I am planning an upgrade of Hell.  As you know we are running out of space and our temporary expedient of housing the overflow condemned in Philadelphia cannot continue for much longer.  

So raising cash is a priority and PSLs are the best way of doing it. 

What’s in it for me you may ask?  Well, by buying a PSL you will be guaranteed the same seat in Hell.  In addition you can transfer your PSL to a soul you’d like to see condemned.  (Perhaps your accountant or the man your wife left you for?)

Please reply to this letter ASAP. Do not lose your seat in Hell!

Satan

Satan’s plan to offer PSLs has proved controversial.  From his location in the seventh circle of Hell, Adolph Hitler expressed his concerns:

I like it where I am. I don’t want to move.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m closer to the action and the demon who’s in charge of disemboweling me for all eternity is a real nice guy.  We have a good relationship.  I’d prefer not to buy a PSL but I guess it’s just the price I’m going to have to pay to maintain my position.

Another condemned soul who prefers to remain anonymous told reporters that “contrary to popular belief not everyone who goes to Hell is rich. I can’t afford a PSL and I don’t want to go to Detroit.  It’s always the little guy who gets screwed.”

Indeed many of the condemned have started talking about a class action lawsuit against Satan.  The good news?  Plenty of lawyers in Hell.

“Sucks about that” said Satan.  “I may have to raise my standards to exclude the lawyers.”

Condemned souls have until February 12th to buy a PSL or lose their seat.

Hoping to muscle in on rivals ABC and ESPN, NBC has launched its own sports network.

“Just like MSNBC has become a brand name for progressive politics, the NBC Sports Network will be the home of progressive coverage for sports” said NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus. “Lean forward!  Well, except in yachting which could lead to drowning.”

The first event shown on the NBC sports network was a hockey game between the New York Rangers and St. Louis Blues.  In that game Ranger goalie Henrik Lundqvist blocked a shot on goal by Right Wing Ryan Reaves, coincidentally one of the few African-Americans in the sport.  Afterwards, true to the progressive bent of the new network Lundqvist was interviewed by Bob Costas.

Bob Costas:  Henrik, first off great game tonight.

Henrik Lundqvist:  Thank you.  

Bob Costas:  Why did you block Reaves shot?

Henrik Lundqvist:  That’s my job.  I’m a goalie.

Bob Costas: But Reaves is an African American.  Do you think you had the right to block his shot?  What about his civil rights?  Are you a segregationist?

Henrik Lundqvist:  What?

Bob Costas:  Are you a tea bagger?  A racist?  Ever lynch a black man?

Henrik Lundqvist:  What the hell are you talking about?

Bob Costas:  Henrik thank you for your time.  I’ll let you get back to your Klan meeting.  Well there you have it America.  Definitive proof of racism in the NHL.

The Sports Network plans on carrying a heavy quota of NBA games.

“Nowhere does the spirit of progressiveness stand out more than the predominantly African-American NBA” said Lazarus.

Speaking at the introductory press conference, Dick Vitale announced how happy he was to be broadcasting the games.

“Black people baby.   Oh yeah!  Black people are in the house baby!”

NBC hopes to showcase progressive traditions by introducing new rules to games it televises.

Scores will not be kept.  We believe that these so-called final scores are arbitrary and do nothing to make people feel good about themselves.  Also, those who have more talent will be restricted in their playing time.  It just isn’t fair that they should have better stats.

And as the cornerstone of the new progressive network, NBC has announced that it is forming its own professional sports league whose games will be shown exclusively on the network.

Starting in Spring the games of the Jewish Lesbian Transgendered Women of Color Softball League will be aired on Prime Time.

“It’s got everything.  Softball.  Jews.  Transsexuals.  Jewish Transsexuals.  Jewish black transsexuals.  Jewish black lesbian transsexuals!” declared an ecstatic Lazarus.

Astronomers at NASA announced today that they have found a wormhole.  This would be the first known physical verification of the long-hypothesized phenomenon.

“We were excited at first to discover the wormhole” said one scientist.  “Because frankly we’ve been bored lately.  We haven’t been doing much at NASA except helping Muslims improve their self-esteem.  So when we found this it was great.”

Their joy soon turned to disgust when they found that the wormhole was filled with nothing but worms.

“We were expecting time travel, faster than light travel.  Instead all we got were millions, billions of slimy, creepy, crawling worms. It’s giving us all nightmares.”

Still astronomers at NASA are counting their blessings.

It wasn’t as bad as the time we discovered the skanky prostitute vagina hole.  That gave us pause.  I mean none of us could look at our wives after that.  And don’t get us started about time we discovered the Rosie O’Donnell unwashed armpit on a Summer day after she’s been doing manual labor hole. That made us vomit. Or the time we discovered the View hole.  That’s an entire hole in the space time continuum that shows nothing but repeats of the View.  Now we know what hell looks like.

Given their disappointments over their recent findings many astronomers are beginning to question the validity of astronomy and physics.

“I’m afraid of what we’re going to find next.  Many of us don’t even bother to bathe anymore.  What’s the point.”

Accordingly NASA has announced that it will no longer look into space.

“NASA will now become a reality show.  We’re hoping to the Hulk Hogan, the Gotti’s and the Kardashian’s aboard.”

In a related note, Virgin Atlantic has announced that tours to the Rosie O’Donnell unwashed armpit on a summer day after she’s been doing manual labor hole will be available in the Spring of 2012.

In the wake of last month’s storming of the English  British Embassy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has issued an emergency plea for more flags from western countries (specifically the United States and Great Britain.)

Speaking in front of a specially-called emergency session of the Iranian Parliament, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei (pictured here)  begged the world for more western flags.

We enjoy storming the embassies of the great western satans.  We enjoy rioting against the great western satans.   But we have used up our supply of western flags to burn.  We are all out of American and English, I mean British, flags. Our strategic reserve of western flags has been used up.  If we do  not find more western flags we will be unable to riot and storm.  And then our economy will be in shambles.  It is imperative that we reach out to the west and ask them to send us their flags.  And no, I am not Ed Asner.  Stop asking me for Mary Tyler Moore’s autograph.

Immediately after Ed Asner’s, I mean Ali Khamenei’s plea for western flags the world sprang into action.  President Obama (pictured here) asked Congress to send a supply to Iran.

The Iranian people are destitute.  With no flags a famine is inevitable.  I ask all Americans to send their flags to Iran. It’s the humane thing to do.  But will we?  I don’t know. We are lazy.  Shiftless.  Stupid.  Bitter and clinging.  No.  The Iranians will probably starve.  I’d like to apologize in advance for their soon-to-be famine.  But we have one last hope.  I call upon Mary Tyler Moore to use her resources to round up any American and English, I mean British, flag she can find and send them to her old friend and co-worker Ed Asner.

The European Central Bank and the Federal Reserve have both issued warnings that the Iranian economy will collapse without any western flags to burn.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke (pictured here) told reporters that he is personally prepared to fly to Iran “with any flags Mary Tyler Moore assembles” to forestall worldwide economic collapse.

In related news, a large fire has been reported on the lawn of veteran character actor Ed Asner (pictured here). Said Asner, “I’m just burning some flags.”

NOTE:   The Manhattan Infidel would like to issue an apology for any factual errors in this story.