Manhattan Infidel

Note:  This post was written before Mayor Michael useless fuck Bloomberg grew a pair and decided to steam clean Zuccotti park and drive out the filthy hippies.

Many of my readers ask me, “Manhattan Infidel, why the eye shadow?”   They also ask me why I haven’t gone down to the park to take pictures and give a first hand report.  Two reasons:

1. I have a job;
2. These smelly unwashed hippies turn my stomach.

These two reasons, combined with the fact that I live in Inwood in upper Manhattan and the smelly unwashed hippies are protesting in lower Manhattan  prevented me from going down to the site.
Anyway, onto the originally planned post:

PEACE LOVE AND HIPPIES!

Following up on an earlier (well, technically 15 years later post) where I looked at Occupy Wall Street’s 15th anniversary I now take a look at more recent events at the encampment of hope smelly unwashed, envious hippies that has changed the world.

Starting out as a small smelly unwashed hippies protest  movement the occupation of Zuccotti park has turned into an encampment of love get out of my tent and get your hands off my breasts! not seen since a similar movement 42 years ago in upstate New York commonly referred to as “Woodstock.”

David Crosby and Graham Nash kicked off Woodstock Lite, bringing their acoustic guitars and singing protest songs.

“No  more war!’” shouted Crosby.  “No more war!  Impeach President Johnson!  All our troops must leave Vietnam!”

When informed that Lyndon Johnson died in 1973 and that the current President of the United States is a black man, an excited Crosby exclaimed, “No way! Cool.  They didn’t tell me this in jail.”   He then pumped his fists in the air.  “President Bill Cosby loves you!”

The crowed shouted back, “President Bill Cosby loves us!”

A 58-year old man in the crowd wept at the sight of Crosby.

“He’s my hero.  I  saw him in Woodstock when I was young and my penis still worked.”

A younger protester talked to reporters about what Crosby’s presence means to him.

He’s like, you know my hero.  I grew up listening to him.  Well, technically my father grew up listening to him.  But his message of peace, love, overeating and rampant drug abuse is what this movement is all about.  Umm, I mean, we are about  jobs!  And redistribution of wealth!  And fighting the capitalists on Wall Street. And sex, drugs and rock and roll!

Organizers at the encampment of hope free pussy! Just go into her tent and get it were buoyed by the kids reaction to Crosby and Nash’s appearance.

“This proves that the ’60s are not over” said one.  “We will build on this.  We’ve already sent out invitations to Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix.”

When informed that they were dead the organizer replied, “No doubt they died at the hands of the man!  But as long as they are on my iPod they will always be with us.”

As he spoke several protesters get a job you smelly hippies started to climb the trees surrounding Zuccotti Park to get a better view of  Crosby and Nash.

“Get off those trees!  We don’t need any extra weight on those trees!” he warned the protesters like jobs are hard.  They harsh my mellow.

The Executive Committee of Occupy Wall Street has confirmed that an invitation has been sent to the Beatles to perform at the park.

Mayor Michael useless fuck Bloomberg stated that the protesters are welcome to stay as long as they watch their sodium levels and don’t smoke.

As the movement that has changed the world hey you kids get off my property enters its second month with no signs of slowing down, Hollywood, long the bastion of the oppressed, has taken notice.  Many in Hollywood have made great sacrifices to show their support for the occupiers:

• Second and third homes have had thermostats lowered to 75 degrees.
• Cocaine use has dropped 8.32 percent.
• Limos contain only domestic sparkling wine.  (Savagery but necessary to show support for OWS.)
• 15-year old girls have gone unraped by directors.

In addition to these self-imposed hardships many in Hollywood have tweeted their support of the global, world-wide movement that signals the end of capitalism.  Pervert get out of my tent!  I’d call the police but we are handling rapes internally.

Matt Damon shows his sympathy and tweets:

Capitalism is bad.  To show my support for the suffering masses I’m only asking ten million for my next movie.  I’m Matt Damon dammit and I approved this message.

50 Cent tweets:

I got bitches in my limo!  I got bitches in my limo!  Come on bitches have sex with each other while I watch.  Oh,  and down with the man!  Go OWS!

Famed director Michael Moore, after appearing at an OWS Portland event tweeted:

The evil 1% must…..burp.  Um.  Where was I?  Oh yes.  Filthy capitalist pigs  must……burp.  God I’m sorry.  I’m so bloated.  The Wall Street thugs…..is that a cheeseburger?  A double cheeseburger?  I’ll eat it as soon as I pass this gas.  Someone roll me to the table……burp.

Always on the cutting edge Lady Gaga tells supporters:

Capitalism is mean.  It is a bully.  Capitalism makes people cry and should be abolished.  What?  What do you mean my last CD tanked?  How am I supposed to afford a private jet and a new meat suit if it doesn’t go double platinum?  I’m going to have to fire somebody for this.  And no severance!  Go OWS!  I support the little people.

Henry Fonda tweets:

Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I’ve lost my social conscience.  I support the goals of Occupy Wall Street.  God I can feel myself rotting.  Brain.  Must eat brains!

Russell Simmons says:

Greetings OWS. I am here on my gold-plated toilet.  I like to think that Occupy Wall Street is a lot like my gold-plated toilet:  Beautiful and necessary.  So the next time I defecate after having a few pizzas with mushrooms and pepperoni and sausage, I’m thinking of you.

Alec Baldwin tweets:

To not support the working man in this time of crisis is an abomination.  Where the hell is my champagne?  This isn’t champagne!  This is domestic sparking wine!  I spit on domestic sparkling wine.  What low life worker scum gave me this?  Find out and fire him.  I hate people like that.  So low class.

A group calling itself “Hollywood for Occupy Wall Street” has announced that all their domestic servants have had their days off and raises cancelled until further notice.

“In this time of crisis we must all share the pain” said a message on their web site.

November 3rd 2011.  For immediate release:

The executive subcommittee of the committee of the Sub Executive committee of Occupy Wall Street is proud to announce our first of we hope many more corporate sponsors:  Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps.

In our consuming struggle against capitalism we recognize the need to raise money.  While thankful for our parents for sending us underwear and pretzels this was not enough.  The forces of Wall Street are arrayed against us.  The evil 1% even have the forces of nature working for them as last weekend they sent racist snow showers into our encampment of hope.

And so the struggle enters a new level.  We here in the epicenter are warmed by the support we are getting from the majority of Americans.  But mostly from the few heaters we have left that we hid from the FDNY during last week’s illegal search.

Buoyed by the t-shirts and pumps provided by Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps we promise to be here the entire winter until our demands are met and money is abolished.  I think that’s one of our demands.  But anyway to the racist NYPD we say:  Watch out.  Try and enter our community and we will beat you back with outrage and pumps!

November 3rd, 2011.  For immediate release:

We here at Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps are proud to announce our new partnership with Occupy Wall Street.

Whether sitting under your tent all day doing nothing, playing the drums all day while doing nothing or simply defecating on a stranger’s doorstep between sitting under your tent all day doing nothing or drumming all day doing nothing you deserve the biggest penis you can have.  Bigger.  Thicker. Longer.  Have more confidence.  Be laughed at no more! Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps promise an increase in girth or your money back.  Offer available in continental United States only.

November 3rd 2011. For immediate release:

The sub executive committee of the committee of the Executive sub committee of Occupy Wall Street denounce the decision of the executive subcommittee of the committee of the sub executive committee to enter into a partnership with Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps.

This decision on their part was made arbitrarily and without consulting us at the sub executive committee of the committee of the Executive sub committee of Occupy Wall Street.

We have already entered into a corporate partnership with Ex-lax.

November 3rd 2011.  For immediate release:

Ex-lax is proud to announce it now sponsors Occupy Wall Street.

Whether sitting around all day doing nothing or playing the drums all day doing nothing you deserve to have the ability to regularly defecate on a strangers’ doorstep with confidence.  No more embarrassing squatting with nothing to show for it. Ex-lax for regularity!  Now available in pineapple flavor!  Offer valid in continental United States only.

Ex-lax is not affiliated with Dynamack Suction Device Penis Pumps.

Well it was bound to happen.  First Herman Cain gets targeted by the left.  Now yours truly, the humble blogger known as Manhattan Infidel has  had to defend himself against allegations of sexual harassment.

A story in Politico states that I, the Manhattan Infidel while President of a global company, Vice President of a publishing company based in New York City, manager of his department, on a job interview did sexually harass a woman.

I will now address these false and baseless allegations.

Keep in mind that this incident happened 15 years ago. It was the nineties and like most people during that heady decade I would often wake up in a park, naked, next to a deer whose neck I had broken and whose blood I had drank, so my memory may be faulty.  But here it goes:

As I remember I approached a woman and said,”You’re the same height as my wife.”

She responded, “But you’re not married.”

I replied, “This is true.  Would you like to see my penis?”

And that, readers, was the alleged incident.  I ask you, is this “sexual harassment?”

What has happened to American society where a simple question like that is considered “hostile”?   Is it my fault she found the work environment intimidating?

We have lost something as a society.  Toughness.  Self-reliance.  The right to show women your penis without having them accuse you of harassment.

My conscience is clear.  I am not aware of anything else I might have done to this woman.  Well, I did ask her if she was into midgets but I was just trying to find out what her interests were.

And I might have said, “Not for nothing but I got oils you know.“  But that could be interpreted any number of ways.

And I think I did mention autoerotic asphyxiation, Jim Nabors and John Wayne Gacy but that’s just because I have varied interests.

And I might have shown her some photos of me dressed as Dolly Madison but those photos were from when I was a member of a dinner theater outside Poughquag, New York.

But I don’t expect my loyal readers to take my word for it.  I am fortunate enough to have two fellow bloggers  who will act as character witnesses for me:

King Shamus writes, “I got oils too.  But now my skin is breaking out and I keep sliding all over the place.”

Innominatus writes, “I agreed to dress up as Wham! on Halloween with you. But why do I have to be Andrew Ridgeley?”

So you see. I am innocent.

The Manhattan Infidel

This post paid for by the “Let Manhattan Infidel Show People his Penis” defense fund.

Because I care about my loyal readers and want to see them happy I now present the official Manhattan Infidel Guide to First Date Etiquette. Just follow my advice.  Trust me.  You will never get a date, I mean, never have to go on a first date again.

1. Dress with finesse.  Think carefully about your wardrobe for a first date.  Whatever you do, do not wear a suit.  This says to the woman that you are a capitalist pig.  No woman wants to date a capitalist pig.  Do what I do.  I show up in sweat pants and a t-shirt that says, “Suck it.  Oh yeah, like that.”  Don’t be afraid to show off your whimsical side.  Make a point of drawing attention to your t-shirt during the meal.  Say something along the lines of “Listen to the t-shirt if you know what I mean honey.  Hey, I paid for your meal.  I expect it.”
2. Perfect the proper greeting.  When you greet your date at the abandoned street corner address you have given her have flowers in your hand.  Let her know that the flowers are not for her. “I have a date after this.  Just keeping my options open honey.”  Women will appreciate your honesty.  Make a point of mentioning her appearance.  Say something such as “Wow.  You look totally different than your photo.  I guess there is a reason you only photographed yourself from the neck up.  Is it a glandular issue?”
3. Charm her with your manners.  When you sit down at your table in the restaurant if your date attempts to order first, cut her off.  “Hey, what the hell are you doing?  I order first.  I’m the man. I’m more important!”  When leaving the restaurant there may be an awkward moment when you both stand in front of the doors.  She might be expecting you to open the door for her.  Do not. Instead say, “Don’t just stand there.  Open the f#*#%ing door!”  She will appreciate this as it shows that you are a take charge man and not some mamby-pamby mama’s boy.
4. Order with panache.  Ordering is more than the utility of requesting food. It is a way of opening up the conversation.  If the server returns while you are still looking at the menu say, “I’ve made up my mind but she’s still looking.  Yeah, I know.  Women!” Point out what you cannot eat.  “I”m lactose intolerant so no dairy products.  You don’t want me farting away when your down there, do you?”  She will appreciate your openness.
5. Bid her goodnight in grand style.  If the date was a flop a quick finish with a polite handshake, a brief hug or oral sex is expected.  Be simple:  “There are some bushes over there where we can do it.  You brought condoms, right?”  However never make false promises for the sake of propriety:  “I’ll call you again when I need it” is not good manners. Text her when you need it instead.  And remember, always drive her home.  Unless it’s out of your way. You’re a man and your time is valuable.  Leave her at a bus stop.  At night.  By an abandoned warehouse.

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you’ll have women beating down your door.  Usually they will be armed but that’s just because they like you.

In his heroic last moments of life, Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi remained true to his socialist principles, telling his captors that he was ready to die.

“My death is not a death but a redistribution of life. As a socialist it’s only fair that we redistribute everything.”

As he was being beaten to death Gaddafi told onlookers that he only hoped that Occupy Wall Street was watching.

“We both believe in redistribution.  And…..ouch.  You shot me a–hole!  That stings!”

After the death of the brave socialist his body was redistributed in parts along various garbage dumps near Tripoli.

Jubilant crowds celebrated by dancing in the street and discharging their weapons in the air.  Said one rebel:

First Saddam.  Then Bin Laden.  Now Gaddafi.  We have killed three of our most brutal dictators.  Next we kill Larry King. But if he’s dead we’ll kill Anderson Cooper!  But if Anderson is dead we’ll kill Dick Sargent.  What? The great Satan Dick is dead?  Well we have to kill somebody.  Keith Richards?  You can’t fool me.  He’s been dead for years. What?  The Great Satan Keith Richards is still alive?  Comrades we must kill Keith Richards!

News of Gaddafi’s death stunned the revolutionaries of Occupy Wall Street.

All officially sanctioned Occupy Wall Street activities (drumming, defecating, transmitting bodily fluids, whining) were suspended for ten minutes out of respect.

In Hell, where he was having tea with recent arrival Osama Bin Laden, Satan groused.

Great.  I’m running out of space. Where the hell am I going to put him?  I suppose I could put him with the sodomites or  perhaps with the two actors who played Lionel Jefferson.  I’ll figure it out once I finish my tea.  Oh, Rosie’s new talk show is on.  Great girl.  Can’t wait to meet her in person. 

At Occupy Oakland rapes were suspended out of respect.

The leader of Occupy Oakland, who goes by the traditional Native American name of “Kill the Rich Bastards”  told the press that while he didn’t agree with everything Gaddafi did, “at the very least he wasn’t a Jew banker.  So he was worthy of respect.”

From Hell where he was being torn apart by demons for all eternity, Gaddafi told a reporter for MSNBC that:

I don’t mind being in Hell.  Many great Muslims are here.  But why did they have to put me next to those two idiot actors who played Lionel Jefferson? A man of my importance should be with the sodomites.  Or Karl Marx.  No wait.  Sorry.  I meant Zeppo Marx.  No wait. Sorry.  I meant William Howard Taft the fat bastard. No wait. Sorry.  I meant the guy who thought it was a good idea to explain Bobby Ewing’s return to Dallas by having the previous season be a dream.  Weak baby. Weak.

Back at Occupy Wall Street, revolutionary organizers declared that out of respect for all Gaddafi had accomplished  Zuccotti park will be renamed “Death to the Jewish Dogs Park.”

A spokesman for Mayor Bloomberg said that as long as protesters refrained from smoking and watched their sugar intake, they could rename the park whatever they wanted.

As Occupy Wall Street, the movement that has transformed the world, moves into its second month there has been one constant.  Well, two if you count feces in the street.  Well, three if you count redistribution of MacBooks.  Well four if you count giant puppets.  But there has really been only one constant besides the feces, redistribution of MacBooks and giant puppets.  That is the drumming.

The Occupy Wall Street Drum Circle, as it is called, starts its drum beat at 7 in the morning and continues until 10 PM or later on most days.

“You can’t have a revolution without a drumbeat.  Hey, who redistributed my MacBook” said one protester.

The drum circle has been a source of harmony and good vibes for all protesters. That is, until he showed up.

One day we were all drumming as usual and this old English dude shows up.  He said he was here to support us and could he join our drumming circle?  I said yeah, why not.  What a mistake.  He couldn’t keep a steady beat.  He was always rushing the beat or slowing down. I mean the guy really sucked.  Finally we had to kick him out.  That’s when he said, “But I used to be in the Beatles!”  Yeah, right.  He doesn’t look anything like Paul or Ringo.  That’s when I redistributed his MacBook.

After being banned from the drum circle Mr. Best continued to hang around Zuccoti Park, annoying the revolutionaries and asking anyone if they had seen his laptop.

Eventually the police were called in.  Several officers surrounded Best and told him to leave the protesters alone.

It was at this point that eyewitness accounts diverge.  Some say that Best was friendly and extended his hand to the police while saying, “Hi.  I’m Pete Best and I used to be in the Beatles.”

Others say that Best pulled out a drumstick from his coat.  The officers, mistaking it for a weapon sprung into action.

“He’s armed” shouted the police as they pulled out their nightsticks and started beating him.

As Best was being beaten the occupants of the drum circle joined in.

“The cops got the beat” said one.

Finally the police stopped and a barely conscious Best was dragged to a waiting police van.

“Get in the paddy wagon, boyo.  Get in the paddy wagon!”

As the doors to the police van closed a reporter asked the arresting officer who that was.

“I don’t know.  He said he used to be in the Beatles, but he doesn’t look anything like Paul or Ringo.  You know what he does look like?  The bastard who redistributed my MacBook!”

Mr. Best is charged with disturbing the peace, trespassing and redistribution.  He is being held without bail.

Calling it a “historic opportunity” to reach out to the disenfranchised,  New York University President John Sexton announced that new classes will be offered specifically for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Brandishing a pamphlet containing descriptions of the new classes Sexton claimed that this “will put NYU on the forefront of higher education for a generation.  I’m proud to offer these classes.  I believe they speak to the protesters.”

Among the classes being offered:

• Revolutionary War Sexuality 

This class will show that Washington and his top generals regularly engaged in homosexual activity with each other.  “Washington in fact hoped that the revolution would usher in a gay republic. His hopes were dashed by right-wingers, bitterly clinging to their conventional sexuality.”

• Phallic Worship in Civil War Weaponry 

This course will show that many Civil War generals, on both sides, worshiped the cult of the phallus. “This explains all the cannons.  These generals, all men of course, worshiped war. They also worshiped their penises.  Perhaps if there were more women in the army the Civil War would not have broken out.”

• The Sexuality of Aerial Bombardment

This course will ask the question, “Why are bombs shaped like penises?”  The answer?  Men build these bombs.  Phallus-worshiping men who bomb peoples of color when they don’t get what they want.  This course will also explore the correlation between “carpet bombing’ and the use of the slang word “carpet” to refer to a woman’s vagina.   The course will teach that aerial bombardment is just another form of vagina hatred.

• Minority Women who Wear Eye Patches and Have One Leg Studies 

This ground-breaking course will view American history through the disenfranchised eyes of minority women who wear eye patches and have one leg.  See how they suffered at the hands of the Altar of the Phallus!

• Down with Evil Corporations! 

This provocative new course will show the historic role of evil corporations in destroying the Earth’s fragile infrastructure.  Examples will be shown of their anti-green agenda and how many CEOs enjoy watching polar bears drown.

Note:  The Down with Evil Corporations class is brought to you courtesy of a generous grant from the Microsoft Corporation.

• Introduction to Finance 

An introduction to the study of corporate finance.  Basic concepts are introduced with emphasis on working knowledge of organizational and financial structures, methods of financing, financial management and planning. Investments and strategies, risk and growth and money and banking are topics of study.

Note:  Due to low enrollment the Introduction to Finance course has been canceled.

University President Sexton wants the Occupy Wall Street protesters to know that they need not worry about money.

“We will be offering low-interest loans to all those who want to take these courses.”

Classes start October 31st.

The famous Easy-Bake Oven, beloved to generations of children but mom I don’t want to bake I want to go outside and play has become the latest victim of government bureaucracy run wild.  While the Easy-Bake Oven is still legal (for now) the EPA has announced that new regulations will govern the sale and use of the oven.

Using my renowned journalistic skills Demerol and my contacts in Washington I have come into possession of the new rules regulating the Easy-Bake Oven:

• Due to the immanent demise of the old incandescent light bulb (which served as a heating source) all Easy-Bake ovens sold after January 1st, 2012 will use a recording of Al Gore’s speeches on the environment to heat the oven.  “It is hoped that the oven will be fired by zeal to protect our environment” said a source inside the EPA.
• Because America suffers from an obesity epidemic, cakes and other fatty desserts will be banned from the Easy-Bake oven.  If a child attempts to bake a cake in the oven a warning siren will sound for one minute.  After the siren the pre-recorded voice of Chaz Bono will tell them that they are “fat and disgusting.”  Mr. Bono will also encourage the girls to amputate their breasts.
• Because the Easy-Bake oven sends the wrong message to young girls about their role in society, a timer will be placed in the oven that will record how much time a girl uses the Easy-Bake.  Those who go over the approved time limit will receive a visit from an EPA gender rights counselor.  The counselor will inform girls that they no longer have to “tied to a stove” nor will they have to “satisfy the man’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Instead the girls will be encouraged to get a degree in accounting, wear pant suits and kiss their girlfriends.

Not content with enfranchising young girls oppressed by stereotypical gender roles, the EPA has announced that they, in conjunction with Hasbro, will market the new “Easy-Bake Gay!”

The Easy Bake Gay will come with a sensor that can monitor the feelings of the person using it.  Using an emotion chip developed by Microsoft the oven will be able to detect minute changes in personality and offer solutions such as “My sensor detects you are depressed.  Let’s go antiquing.”

“All these changes may sound extreme, but it’s in the best interest of the plebeians” said Lisa Jackson, administrator of the EPA.

“Let’s give them a Republic. And let’s redistribute the sex” ~ Ben Franklin

Over the past 230 years Ben Franklin’s compassionate message has been forgotten by many.  But no more.  The last few years have witnessed a return to the message of our founders.  Now is the time for Franklin’s vision to once again define America.

Redistribution is compassionate.  Redistribution is the right thing to do.

Endorphins and genitalia are just too important to be left to the whim of private reproductive enterprise.  It is important to the social contract that sex be redistributed.

Sex has a communitarian aspect.

No one has sex alone.

Well, except for the Manhattan Infidel.

Every Friday and Saturday night.

In his darkened studio apartment.

While he streams No Man’s Land Asian Edition Volumes 1 & 2.

Why are the lights out?  BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF. I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF!

But I digress.  Just take a look at the figures (courtesy of the Nonprofit Institute on the Redistribution of Sex.)

• 1% of all Americans have 60 percent of the sex in the United States.    This group of hot people, generally confined to the region surrounding Hollywood California have sex with whomever they want.  I ask you.  Is this fair?
• 25% of all Americans have 30 percent of the sex in the United States.  This group, while not that attractive are just sexual gluttons.  I ask you.  Is this fair?
• 50% of all Americans have no sex.  This group of unfortunates are responsible for 86% of violent crime in America and 98% of all blogs.

Clearly then lack of sex leads to violence, the breakdown of the social order and blogging.  The science is settled.

It is for this reason that I suggest that sex should be redistributed.  Here are some specifics of my proposal:

The 1% from Hollywood who have sex whenever and with whomever they please can still do this.  However, 37% of their sex must be with the 50% who have no sex.  For instance Olivia Wilde, Erica Cerra or Missy Peregrym  could fly to New York City and have sex with a blogger. Perhaps even Manhattan Infidel himself.

Consider it your patriotic duty.  Or don’t you care about the societal impact of violent crime?  Somewhere a child cries because his father is in jail.  You can prevent this.

And by doing this you will set a perfect example for the redistribution of sex.  For if the sex is not redistributed what chance would Manhattan Infidel have of having sex with these three woman?  For loyal readers, this is what I look like:

As you can see, with the beginning of Autumn and colder weather my skin gets very dry.

• The 25% of people who have 30% of the sex in the United States can continue to do so.  However, since you’re really not that attractive do not tell anybody or film it.  Please.  Don’t film it. I beg you.
• The 50% of all Americans who have no sex shall be placed in a Federal database.  Your name shall be chosen at random for your chance to engage in sexual relations with the 1% from Hollywood.

And that readers, is my proposal.

Don’t thank me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.

I’m just doing my job to make this a better, more compassionate country.