Manhattan Infidel

The famous Easy-Bake Oven, beloved to generations of children but mom I don’t want to bake I want to go outside and play has become the latest victim of government bureaucracy run wild.  While the Easy-Bake Oven is still legal (for now) the EPA has announced that new regulations will govern the sale and use of the oven.

Using my renowned journalistic skills Demerol and my contacts in Washington I have come into possession of the new rules regulating the Easy-Bake Oven:

• Due to the immanent demise of the old incandescent light bulb (which served as a heating source) all Easy-Bake ovens sold after January 1st, 2012 will use a recording of Al Gore’s speeches on the environment to heat the oven.  “It is hoped that the oven will be fired by zeal to protect our environment” said a source inside the EPA.
• Because America suffers from an obesity epidemic, cakes and other fatty desserts will be banned from the Easy-Bake oven.  If a child attempts to bake a cake in the oven a warning siren will sound for one minute.  After the siren the pre-recorded voice of Chaz Bono will tell them that they are “fat and disgusting.”  Mr. Bono will also encourage the girls to amputate their breasts.
• Because the Easy-Bake oven sends the wrong message to young girls about their role in society, a timer will be placed in the oven that will record how much time a girl uses the Easy-Bake.  Those who go over the approved time limit will receive a visit from an EPA gender rights counselor.  The counselor will inform girls that they no longer have to “tied to a stove” nor will they have to “satisfy the man’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Instead the girls will be encouraged to get a degree in accounting, wear pant suits and kiss their girlfriends.

Not content with enfranchising young girls oppressed by stereotypical gender roles, the EPA has announced that they, in conjunction with Hasbro, will market the new “Easy-Bake Gay!”

The Easy Bake Gay will come with a sensor that can monitor the feelings of the person using it.  Using an emotion chip developed by Microsoft the oven will be able to detect minute changes in personality and offer solutions such as “My sensor detects you are depressed.  Let’s go antiquing.”

“All these changes may sound extreme, but it’s in the best interest of the plebeians” said Lisa Jackson, administrator of the EPA.

“Let’s give them a Republic. And let’s redistribute the sex” ~ Ben Franklin

Over the past 230 years Ben Franklin’s compassionate message has been forgotten by many.  But no more.  The last few years have witnessed a return to the message of our founders.  Now is the time for Franklin’s vision to once again define America.

Redistribution is compassionate.  Redistribution is the right thing to do.

Endorphins and genitalia are just too important to be left to the whim of private reproductive enterprise.  It is important to the social contract that sex be redistributed.

Sex has a communitarian aspect.

No one has sex alone.

Well, except for the Manhattan Infidel.

Every Friday and Saturday night.

In his darkened studio apartment.

While he streams No Man’s Land Asian Edition Volumes 1 & 2.

Why are the lights out?  BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF. I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF!

But I digress.  Just take a look at the figures (courtesy of the Nonprofit Institute on the Redistribution of Sex.)

• 1% of all Americans have 60 percent of the sex in the United States.    This group of hot people, generally confined to the region surrounding Hollywood California have sex with whomever they want.  I ask you.  Is this fair?
• 25% of all Americans have 30 percent of the sex in the United States.  This group, while not that attractive are just sexual gluttons.  I ask you.  Is this fair?
• 50% of all Americans have no sex.  This group of unfortunates are responsible for 86% of violent crime in America and 98% of all blogs.

Clearly then lack of sex leads to violence, the breakdown of the social order and blogging.  The science is settled.

It is for this reason that I suggest that sex should be redistributed.  Here are some specifics of my proposal:

The 1% from Hollywood who have sex whenever and with whomever they please can still do this.  However, 37% of their sex must be with the 50% who have no sex.  For instance Olivia Wilde, Erica Cerra or Missy Peregrym  could fly to New York City and have sex with a blogger. Perhaps even Manhattan Infidel himself.

Consider it your patriotic duty.  Or don’t you care about the societal impact of violent crime?  Somewhere a child cries because his father is in jail.  You can prevent this.

And by doing this you will set a perfect example for the redistribution of sex.  For if the sex is not redistributed what chance would Manhattan Infidel have of having sex with these three woman?  For loyal readers, this is what I look like:

As you can see, with the beginning of Autumn and colder weather my skin gets very dry.

• The 25% of people who have 30% of the sex in the United States can continue to do so.  However, since you’re really not that attractive do not tell anybody or film it.  Please.  Don’t film it. I beg you.
• The 50% of all Americans who have no sex shall be placed in a Federal database.  Your name shall be chosen at random for your chance to engage in sexual relations with the 1% from Hollywood.

And that readers, is my proposal.

Don’t thank me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.

I’m just doing my job to make this a better, more compassionate country.

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on our ability to attract prostitutes journalistic skills.  There are of course many possible choices for the biggest story of 2011:  The death of Bin Ladin, the continuing sluggish economy, AROD breaking up with Cameron Diaz.  But in my mind hello? It’s so dark and empty in here…. echo….echo…. the story of the year has to be the so-called Arab Spring.  How will the Arab Spring effect U.S. foreign policy?  What does this mean to Israel?  Is the Arab Spring similar to Irish Spring, which is the soap Manhattan Infidel uses when he showers every morning once a week per prison policy.

Sparing every no expense  I flew to the Middle East to report on the story and talk to the people on the ground I watched Bob the Builder in my apartment while drinking beer.  The results of my interviews will surprise many people.

Interview No. 1:

Manhattan Infidel:  I’m here on the street with a rioting Arab  man.  What does Arab Spring mean to you?

Arab on street:  Death to Israel.  Death to the Jews!

Manhattan Infidel:  I’m not familiar with those brands of soap.

Arab on street:  Soap?

Manhattan Infidel: I loved that TV show.  Remember when Burt thought he was invisible?

Having gotten no useful information I quickly moved onto my second interview.

Interview No. 2:

Manhattan Infidel:  Will the so-called Arab Spring change the dynamic of the Middle East?

Another Arab on street:   Definitely respected American journalist someone kill this infidel!

Manhattan Infidel:  Will the Arab Spring lead to freedom why are you pointing that sword at me?

Another Arab on street:  It will lead to freedom.  Freedom to worship Allah and kill infidels and Jews.  Will someone please kill this infidel!

Manhattan Infidel:  I thank you for your time.  Watch it.  That thing is sharp!

Having once again received no useful information escaped with my life I move onto my third and final interview.

Interview No. 3:

Manhattan Infidel:  So……how much?

Arab prostitute:  Twenty American dollars.  Fifty American dollars for full hour.

Manhattan Infidel:  That sounds reasonable.  Do you role play?  Do you have any outfits?  Can you dress as a nurse or a French maid?

Arab prostitute:  One hundred dollars for role play!  Cash only. 

Manhattan Infidel:  Okay.  [Unzips pants]

Arab prostitute:  Wow.  I thought everything was bigger in America?

And so safely back home I regret that I was not able to find out more on the so-called Arab Spring.  For my next journalistic endeavor I had planned on visiting Ireland and reporting on their so-called Irish Spring.  Unfortunately Ireland has gone out of business and is currently in foreclosure.

Until next time.

Manhattan Infidel

It is now once again that time where I ask my readers one important question: Do you have any naked pictures of yourself? Why are you here? As Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she uses my bathroom after eating the bad beef.”

Well, that might not be an exact quote but the point is, of all the hundreds of millions of blogs out there, why visit mine?  I’ve boiled it down to a couple possible reasons:

1. Political commentary
2. This is the only website I can get in jail
3. You are on the blog roll of my favorite Trannie web site
4. Spank me I’m a bad boy
5. So this lube will make anal penetration less painful?

Fortunately I don’t have to guess.  I have the logs to look at which will give me details on who visits, where are they visiting from and what posts are they viewing.  So I sat down at my computer to take a look at the logs.  But logs are boring so I grabbed a beer instead.  Twelve beers  later I woke up naked in Ft. Tryon Park with a feral cat licking lint out of my navel.

So instead I went to my email address (webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com).  Lots of spam.  Lots of offers to move money from Ethiopian bank accounts.  But I didn’t find any particular answers as to why people come to my site.  There were no emails with naked pictures.

This left Plan “C.”  I’ll ask the most trusted man in America, Walter Cronkite.  Unfortunately Walter is dead and the only response I got from him using the Ouija board was “Food here sucks.  My ass is on fire!”

This left Plan “D.”  I’ll ask Dr. Oz.  According to Dr. Oz there are two likely reasons people visit my blog.  Either they are drinking too much apple juice and the excess arsenic has turned them  into zombies, “I Dr. Oz firmly believe in arsenic zombies.  It’s all based on science” or they are lonely, have very hairy backs and have never known the healing touch of a woman.

I don’t want to speculate on how hirsute my readers are.  I know that many of my readers shave their entire bodies for professional reasons. (Their body hair kept getting painfully ripped off on the pole they dance around.)

So that leaves zombieism brought on as a result of drinking too much apple juice.  (It’s all based on science - Dr. Oz.)

Since I care about my readers I must caution everyone about the dangers of drinking apple juice.  (Remember, it’s all based on science.)

So avoid apple juice.  And if any of my readers have any naked pictures  comments on my blog please send them to me.

Thank you.

Greeting to all farmers in the great United States of America!

It has recently come to the attention of the EPA that many farmers agricultural terrorists have raised serious objections to the EPA’s new proposed stringent anti particulate matter standards.

We here at the EPA wish to say that we are hurt and confused by the opposition to our well thought out we’re experts who went to college regulations.

Particulate matter, “dust” to farmers dumb white trash who have the temerity to question us is the greatest threat to human life as we know it on this planet at the moment.

Perhaps because of your particular circumstances you filthy ignorant particulate matter-ridden poor people who have never even been to the New York, LA or Washington DC  you are unawares of the dangers posed by particulate matter?  Here is a brief, but by no means exhaustive list of what unattended particulate matter causes.  And remember, the science is settled makes sense to us.  We’ve been to college after all.

• Cancer - Every year tens of thousands of Americans die of this dread disease that is caused by hereditary/environmental factors, smoking and genes, particulate matter.
• Federalism -  We here in Washington D.C. have noticed that many who live on farms resent the Federal Government and prefer the Constitution as written.  Frankly we are at a loss to understand this.  After all, we in the EPA are your friends overseers.  There can only be one logical reason for the opposition of farmers - particulate matter has clouded your judgment.
• Voting for the opposition party - Farmers tend to vote for Teabaggers instead of approved Democrats.  This can no longer be tolerated.  Teabaggers seek to curb the power of the EPA, which as we all know is bad for the environment if we get laid off we’ll have to find jobs in the private sector.  And we don’t know how to do anything.
• Sarah Palin  and Michelle Bachman - While there are many theories as to the origin of these two (Aliens?  Inbreeding?) we at the EPA believe that dust storms are the cause.  Yes, particulate matter now has the ability to be sentient.  This is frightening for all of us.  Only by reducing dust levels can you stop these two from happening again.

And so you see dear friends unwashed ignorant hill folk the time has come to  put a stop to particulate matter.  You can best help the EPA do this by taking a bath, getting a college education and moving to the city following our regulations.

After all, it’s a nice farm you have there.  It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.

With the fall of Moammar Gadhafi’s regime in Libya officials in his formerly feared secret police have been struggling to adjust.  Recent documents released by the CIA show a force decimated by desertions as leaders attempted to get jobs in the new order.  Typical is one cover letter written by a top double agent to a temp agency:

With my years of experience I believe I’d be a good fit for any mid-level to management level office position.  Not only can I perform any suicide mission necessary, such as assassinating members of the rebel leadership council, poisoning their water supply or torturing them if necessary but I am also adept at the entire Microsoft Office 2010 suite.  I believe my knowledge of Excel and Powerpoint will come in very handy.  I am also available to work overtime and weekends if necessary. References can be supplied but I caution you to send an email rather than trying to contact them by phone as I have cut out their tongues.

Another agent, seeing his livelihood eliminated by the rebel victory tried his hand at stand up comedy in the nascent Libyan club scene:

Why did the rebel alliance leader cross the road?  Because that’s where the firing squad was.  You see, I was going to execute him……….these are the jokes people.  Whoa!  Tough crowd.  Why aren’t you laughing?  You’re all a bunch of f#$#$# zionists!

One former intelligence chief, unable to find work in the security field took a job as a baby sitter.  Writing to relatives he unfolded his frustrations with his new job:

I used to be important. Feared.  I was Colonel Gadhafi’s personal guard.  I’m used to people obeying me. But these kids!  So noisy and when I threatened them with decapitation they said they’d tell their mothers on me.  So I had them all poisoned.  When the head of the day care center found out I was fired.  Me!  Fired.  So I poisoned him.  I got my job back.  It’s a living.  But seriously, with my knowledge of Office 2010 you’d think I could get a job in an office somewhere.

Local Libyan employment agencies report an influx of former security officials taking classes in an attempt to diversify their job skills.

They all wanted to take classes for the Microsoft Office 2010 suite.  They also asked me if I had any classes on how to kill Jews. Unfortunately the how to kill Jews class was all sold out that semester. So they ended up taking needlepoint instead.

With the fall of the Gadhafi regime, many have decided to embrace their former enemy and have sought jobs in the United States.

“They should have no problem getting jobs” said a New York City employment agent.  “I mean they know Office 2010 and how to assassinate people.  Those skills alone should put them in demand with law firms.”

Activist, humanitarian, philanthropist and rock star Bono traveled to China today to campaign for the forgiveness of the U.S. debt.

Ushered into the office of the Chinese President Hu Jintao, Bono presented the Chinese leader with a t shirt that said (Red) Debt.  He then asked the  Jintao to “open up his big Chinese heart and forgive the American debt.”

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  And I’m looking for the Chinese to forgive the American debt.  America will never be able to grow and prosper with its unsupportable debt which is far greater than its ability to repay.   If the American debt is not forgiven, uno dos tres catorce!  If the American debt is not forgiven they will not be able to spend more on health care. The United States is a poor, nondeveloping nation.   Is it fair to crush the spirt of Americans under oppressive debt?  I ask you Jintao, may I call you Jin?  I ask you Jin, look at all America has done for China and look into your heart.  Your big big big Chinese heart.

When Bono had finished talking Jintao shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“Actually my father was killed by American troops at the Chosin Reservoir” he told Bono.

At the mention of that battle Bono once again asked Jintao to forgive the American debt.  Sitting in Jintao’s lap he placed his palm over Jintao’s heart.

“You have a big heart.  It’s the biggest thing about you.”  He then handed him a few more t shirts that said “American Debt Forgiveness (Red)” and “U2 Tax Cheats (Red).”

Jintao asked Bono to get off his lap and then stood up.  He paced around the room a few times, deep in thought. As he was pacing Bono kept up  a chant of “Big Chinese heart……big Chinese heart…..big Chinese heart.”

Jintao then stopped pacing and turned to Bono.

“Will you shut the hell up.  You know what else is big besides our hearts?  Our forced labor system.  Take him away.”

On the President’s orders security guards grabbed Bono.

“Make sure he ends up in a mine.  I want him working 16 hours a day” said Jintao.

Bono was dragged out of the room screaming “Uno dos tres catorce!  Catorce!  Catorce!   When the Edge finds out he’ll be really angry!”

Jintao grabbed a cigar and lit it.  “What an idiot.  I can’t believe he was ever married to Cher.”

China’s official news agency has announced that the singer called Bono has been tried and convicted of espionage and interfering with Chinese State interests.

China also announced that in the name of peace Bono will be released if the rest of the world asks.

So far no one has.

The anti-war rally “Take Back America from the Fascists” billed as “the largest anti-war rally in weeks” has been postponed.  Organizers cited problems getting necessary permits, trouble getting word out about the rally and, most importantly, no giant puppets.  Said an organizer:

America is a fascist nation that wages illegal wars against peoples of color.  A nation of college kids is going to rise up and take back our country.   We have the people on our side.  We have morality on our side.  We have lovers of peace on our side.  Moral outrage is the key to the success of the anti-war movement.  Well, that and giant puppets.  We didn’t have the giant puppets.  And without giant puppets marching beside us we might look foolish.

Many in the anti-war movement, while regretting the cancellation of the march, agree that it was the best thing to do under the circumstances.

If you look at it historically, the anti-war movement and the giant puppet movement were born at the same time.  They go hand in hand.  To have an anti-war march without giant puppets, well, that’s just wrong.

Some place the blame for the lack of giant puppets squarely on the shoulders of George W. Bush.

Before Bush left office Cheney told him to purposely put this country in a great recession in hopes of adversely affecting giant puppet makers.  I hate him more than my Dad!

Even if giant puppets were in fact available for the rally, organizers might have had to cancel it due to the lack of people with experience walking in giant puppet costumes.

It’s a very specialized field.  And unfortunately all the people with experience walking in giant puppet costumes have all gotten jobs in Hollywood.  I tried placing an ad on Craigslist for a puppet master but the person who answered the ad wanted to know what my safe word was.  I don’t even think he’s ever been inside a giant puppet.  And that type of person is not what we need in the anti-war movement.

Responding to criticism that he has not done enough to help the giant puppet industry, President Obama  has promised to send to congress a stimulus bill for $10 trillion dedicated solely to building giant puppets that also act as wind turbines.

My administration is dedicated to restoring our economy, green energy and giant puppets.  Let us combine all three.

The giant puppet stimulus bill is expected to meet opposition from teabaggers who lack nuance.

The Fed announced today that because of a continued bleak economic forecast for the immediate future that it is reducing interest rates to -2 percent, the lowest in history.

“Drop by the Fed” said Chairman Ben Bernanke in a press release.  “Our interest rates are so low we are literally giving money away!”

With unemployment hovering in the double digits, an ever expanding and uncontrollable debt and Europe on the brink of bankruptcy and abandonment of the Euro, expert economists at the Fed decided to take the unprecedented step of reducing interest rates to negative territory.  Said an official at the Fed who wishes to remain anonymous

Yeah, we’re out of ideas.  We’re just flinging poop at the wall and hoping it sticks.  It was either reduce interest rates to negative territory or make gold and silver coin a tender in payment of debts.  But whoever heard of such a wacky and extreme notion as that.  So negative interest rates were the way to go.

Not content with official pronouncements several reporters followed Chairman Bernanke to a six year-old’s birthday party where he was the entertainment.

“The parents couldn’t afford a clown so they hired me” said Bernanke who was in the process of letting children use magic marker to paint his beard.  “Careful kids.  That is non-permanent magic marker?”

Look, as the Chairman of the Federal Reserve I have one top priority:  protecting our phony baloney fiat currency.  Our paper money is useless.  It’s a facade, like my sexuality, my belief in a higher power and my love of Lindsay Lohan.  Useless!  Useless!

Attempts at asking follow up questions of Bernanke ended when the peeved chairman struck a child.

Dammit, you said this was non-permanent magic marker? Now look at my beard!  I can’t testify in front of congress like this?  I’d look as ridiculous as James Clapper when he said the Muslim Brotherhood wasn’t sectarian.  Anyone have any grey magic marker?  F#(#$ kids.

In conjunction with their new interest rates the Fed has unveiled a new ad campaign featuring Kim Kardashian.  In the first commercial released Ms. Kardashian talks about the economy:

I may not know much about economics but I do know that the Fed is giving money away.  They have it coming out of their wazoo.  And speaking of wazoos look at mine.

The new commercials will start airing in September.

Here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel my windowless basement studio I pride myself on getting interviews with some of the most fascinating people my hallucinations in the world. Today is no exception. Since barreling into New Orleans six years ago Hurricane Katrina has avoided contact with the media. Until now. I am pleased to snag the first exclusive interview.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  I have to start out with the question everyone wants to know.  Why New Orleans?

Katrina:  I hate black people.

MI:  Wow.  I……..I don’t know what to say.  I wasn’t expecting that answer.

Katrina:  You shouldn’t be surprised.  All weather-related events are caused by racism not environmental factors.  Remember Hurricane Dennis?  Klan member.  So anyway I knew New Orleans had levees that were vulnerable and the army corp of engineers showed me where to topple them.

MI:  This is.  Okay I can see that this interview is going to be controversial.

Katrina:  Me and the other hurricanes have talked and we really want to get a crack at Detroit but we haven’t found a way to maintain strength over land yet.

MI:  Logistics aside what’s the purpose of going after Detroit.  It looks like a hurricane already hit it.

Katrina:  Good point.  I guess it’s the principle of the matter.

MI:  Moving on.  What is your relationship like with the other weather events. You know, tornadoes, blizzards, etc.

Katrina:  Tornadoes?  What a bunch of prissy  little bitches.  They show up, do little damage and then pat themselves on the back about how powerful they are. They’re like the Carolina Panthers.  We hurricanes hate them.  Earthquakes.  I like Earthquakes.

MI:  Well, technically an earthquake is not a weather event.  It’s plate tectonics.

Katrina:  Oh, you believe that lie?

MI:  Lie?  Well, no it’s been scientifically proven.

Katrina:  Right.  And it’s been scientifically proven that Ricky Martin is still waiting for the right woman.

MI:  What are you saying.

Katrina: Are you dense?  Do I have to spell it out for you?  Sarah Palin causes earthquakes. It’s true.  I read it in Huffington Post.

MI:  Okay.  Final question.  What have you been doing with yourself the past six years?

Katrina:  I’m in Hollywood now.  Shopping around a screenplay.  Doing some open mikes.  I just got an agent.

MI:  What’s the title of your screenplay?

Katrina:  I Hate Black People.

MI:  I might have known.

Katrina:  Hey, if you see Hurricane Irene tell her to call me. I have some category 5 tips.

MI:  I’ll do that.  Thank you and goodbye.

Katrina:  Remember, life blows.  It’s an inside joke with us hurricanes.

MI:  Okay.

Katrina: And tell your readers that if they are in the LA area to drop by open mike night at the Comedy Cellar.  I can’t go on unless I bring three audience members.

And that was my interview with Hurricane Katrina.  I never knew hurricanes had so many issues.