Manhattan Infidel

As part of my continuing series where I allow guest posts I now turn the pages of Manhattan Infidel over to the distinguished former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore.

Thank you Manhattan Infidel.  I appreciate the chance to reach your readers and I thank you for being a supporter of mine, a believer in climate change and an avid buyer of carbon credits.

Note:  I am none of these.  I just told him that so he would stop eating cheeseburgers on my couch.

I want to take this opportunity to address a few words to our President, Barack Obama.  We voted for you for hope and change.  Instead you have failed in your responsibility to inform Americans of the magnitude of the global warming climate crisis.

We are destroying the climate balance that is essential to the survival of our civilization.  The U.S. is the only  nation (well,  maybe Canada) that can rally a global effort to save our future.  And the President is the only person who can rally the U.S. (well, except for Canada.)

Reality is on my side.  The scientific facts, the scientific consensus on human-caused global warming is greater than it has ever been.  The right-wing media pay too much attention to so-called climate skeptics, who are actually nothing more than science skeptics. 

From my mansion in Tennessee I hear the cries of our wounded Earth as it struggles against global warming.  Well, technically I do not hear the cries of our wounded Earth since I have central air conditioning at my  place.  It drowns out all other noises. I like to keep it a comfy 65 degrees.  But that’s just me.

As I said before reality is on my side.  Also on my side are these 12 cheeseburgers beside me.  Using these delicious cheeseburgers I am going to demonstrate first hand the danger of climate change.  I am going to eat all these until I release trapped methane gases within me.  Mmm.  These are delicious.  Keep it coming.  Mmm. Those first four burgers went down smooth.  Notice my technique.  I dunk them in water and then wolf the burgers down in one bite.  It’s a competitive eating trick.  Mmm.  Ten burgers down two to go.  I can feel trapped methane gases within me about to be released.  Yes.  Yes.  Wait for it.  Ah.  Wait for it.  Oh god….ahhhhhhh.  That felt good. 

Now didn’t you feel the climate change?  Is it warmer in here?  Well  that’s what global warming is all about.  So I ask you Mr. President, as one Nobel prize winner to another, use your bully pulpit to destroy, I mean, save our way of life.

Thank you.

Once again I’d like to thank Mr. Gore for dropping by and guest posting on my humble blog.  Now get the hell off my couch.  I’m going to have to fumigate that!

Touting it as an example of the Obama administration’s “compassionate liberalism” in the face of a Republican congress that continues to deny the science of global warming the Department of the Interior announced today an ambitious three billion dollar program to give all polar bears basic and advanced swimming lessons.

“Never again will a polar bear have to drown from ignorance of the breaststroke” said Interior Secretary Ken Salazar. “Under this exciting and compassionate plan we will send swimming instructors to polar bears who will teach the bears many swim strokes including but not limited to the breaststroke, the butterfly stroke, the dog paddle and the backstroke.”

When told that most polar bears in fact reside in Canadian territory and that this might cause problems with our neighbors to the north Salazar responded, “Canada.  Right.  Like that’s a real country.”

The new program will be modeled after a pilot program that was tested on polar bears in zoos across the United States, even though the pilot program produced disappointing results.

• 65% of the polar bears in the pilot program proved unresponsive to the instructors and yawed or licked themselves.
• 30% of the polar bears ate the swimming instructors.
• 4% of the bears in the program unzipped their polar bear costumes and revealed that they were actually humans with a common animal sexual fetish.  (They later attached themselves to a Guns and Roses reunion tour.)
• 1% of the bears actually showed any interest in learning how to swim. (However, they also ate the instructors after the lessons were finished.)

When asked by a reporter why the feds were instituting this program when the pilot was such a failure Salazar said:

We are the Federal Government.  Just because something failed in the past doesn’t mean it won’t fail even more spectacularly in the future if we throw more money at it and raise your taxes.  Trust me.  It makes perfect sense.

Responding to the threat to their national sovereignty the Canadian Parliament passed a resolution stating that

Any American who crosses into Canada with the intent to teach polar bears the breaststroke will be immediately arrested and deported.  This makes us angry.  Very angry.  Oh who are we kidding.  We’ll probably just register a mild protest.  We Canadians are a peace loving and mild mannered race.  Just don’t say anything bad about Celine Dion, eh!

The new program will be financed by 45% tax on people named Virgil.

Despite howling winds, snow drifts of 10 to 15 feet and bitter cold, former Vice President Al Gore sold the Brooklyn Bridge today to a group of tourists from Slovakia.

At noon, Gore approached a group of tourists taking photos and asked them if they would like to “buy the bridge.“  Naturally the tourists were delighted.

“This is a generous country.  We came here to see famous bridge and we go home owning it” said the spokesman for the group.

Gore explained that part of the proceeds from the sale will be go towards his new global warming foundation.

Look at the conditions in New York City today.  People are freezing, trying to dig out from under record snowfall.  Howling winds make it dangerous for small children to venture outside for fear they will be swept away into the vortex. All these cold temperatures are the result of catastrophic and unsustainable global warming.  The Earth’s core temperature has heated up so much it’s causing temperatures to decrease.

Despite concerns over the legality of the sale (Gore was not able to provide a deed proving his ownership of the landmark) Gore defiantly pocketed the $250 deposit the Slovakians gave him.

Why would anyone doubt I own this bridge? Let’s focus on the big issues here: 1. Rapid global warming is causing bitter cold throughout the U.S.  2.  I have a bridge to sell you.

Immediately after this pronouncement Gore noticed several NYPD officers approaching him and said, “Crap, the cops.  How did they know I was here” and ran off with his $250.

The officers then informed the surprised tourists that they were victims of a scam.

“Gore does this all the time” said one cop.  “Every year we get closer to catching him.”

The NYPD has issued an all points bulletin for the capture of Al Gore.  No word on whether the tourists would be able to get their money back.

“America sucks” said one.  “Bad man take my money!”

New Yorkers are advised that if they spot Gore to remain calm and contact their local precinct.

With the holiday season upon us, let us set our sites on Hollywood, where environmental activists are celebrating the season without sacrificing their principles.

Representative of Hollywood’s courage is the “One Ply Two Butt Cheeks: The Sheryl Crow Holiday Special.”   Surrounded by fans selected for their environmental awareness Miss Crow sang some of her greatest hits, with lyrics changed especially for the occasion.

“Good is good/toilet paper is bad” she sang as the audience hummed along.  After finishing the song Miss Crow explained to the TV audience that everyone in attendance was given one ply of toilet paper for bodily needs.

“Many people don’t know that when you use toilet paper the Earth screams” said Crow.  “Unlike plastic, paper is not biodegradable and it litters the planet.  Sea gulls choke to death on discarded toilet paper.”

She then bravely gave away her one strip of toilet paper and vowed to use the Evergreen holiday tree for her needs.

“Weaning people off toilet paper is doable.  Look at me!  I’ve been using trees for a decade.  From waste comes life!  Life disposes of waste!”

After the sing-a-long, Sheryl was joined on the stage by fellow environmental activists Cameron Diaz and James Cameron. Miss Diaz told of her contribution to help the environment:

Indoor plumbing is evil.  So don’t flush after every bowel movement.  I only flush the toilets in my mansion once a week.  Let your waste build up.  Your Mexican staff can cart it off.   Yes, I have Mexicans who work for me.  Unlike Arizona I love these peace-loving peoples so much I’ve hired them to be my chauffeurs, my cooks, they cut my grass.  I have a Mexican upstairs and downstairs maid.  By the way, can anyone help with this tsetse fly bite on my ass?”

Then it was James Cameron’s turn to talk about the environment. First he asked the audience how many of them were currently unemployed.  As hands were raised, he continued:

This is good.  Unemployment is good!  To save our screaming, wounded, dying planet we must stop industrial production.  You sir. You’re out of work.  Have you lost your home?  You have?  Good.  Why do you need a home?  You should be living in a mud hut eating grass, or don’t you want our planet to heal? Jesus never lived in a house made of steel or had indoor plumbing or his own personal jet, and he was the son of Zeus!

The special ended with everyone on stage singing a new song called “The 12 Days of the Holidays” that started out, “On the first day of the Holidays my true love gave to me one ply of toilet paper/On the second day of the Holidays my true love gave to me an evergreen tree to wipe my butt…..”

Crow, Diaz and Cameron are so excited by the response to their special that they plan to take it on the road.  A private jet dubbed “Air Force One Ply One” will take them around the globe spreading the message of environmental awareness and anti-industrialization activism.

Look for them in a town near you.  But don’t drive a car to the show.  Please walk or use a donkey for transit.

MTV networks has announced that a new reality show featuring Osama Bin Laden and Al Gore, in which the two battle each  other while trying to save the environment, has been added to their lineup of new shows.

In a statement released today Judy McGrath, chairman and CEO of MTV Networks said:

MTV cares about the environment.  We want to do our part to help stop climate change and the resultant destruction of Mother Earth.  Accordingly we are pleased to have one of the greatest figures of the past decade on board.  With his intellect, charisma and humor he will challenge our viewers to become better stewards of Mother Earth.  And we also have Al Gore, who will provide much needed comedy relief.

The new show, tentatively entitled “Saving the Earth (One Infidel at a Time)” will feature Bin Laden and Gore in a variety of situations around the globe as they try to combine their conflicting agendas (one wants to protect the environment, the other lost the 2000 presidential election) without driving each other crazy.

We see it as a modern-day Odd Couple type of show with a moral agenda.  Just think of the humor as earthy, rugged Bin Laden invites stuffy Al Gore to live with him in his cave.  Or the slapstick involved when Gore invites Bin Laden to dinner in New York and Bin Laden has to adjust to high society and flush toilets.  Bin Laden might lecture Al on the evil of indoor plumbing and how it is leading to rising sea levels and flooding of Muslim countries.

A preview of a scene from the series shown to reporters showed Gore wandering through Bin Laden’s cave in Pakistan with a duster as he attempted to clean the cave and bring it up to his standards of cleanliness.  Gore then asks where the bathroom is as he has to “answer nature’s call.”  He is given a bucket by Bin Laden and told to relieve himself outdoors and spread his manure onto the fields to act as fertilizer.

“I am Al Gore.  I do not defecate in buckets!”

The scene was highly praised by critics.  Said McGrath:

You see!  You see!  This show is going to be a comedy goldmine!  We already have sponsors lined up.

In a joint interview, Bin Laden and Gore stressed that while they may have differences of opinion they both want to stop climate change.

Bin Laden:  Climate change is very dangerous.  Pakistan is flooding because of it.  We must save the environment and kill the infidel.

Gore:  I agree with my friend Osama that we must prevent climate change.  Of course we disagree on certain things like killing infidels and the need for indoor plumbing.  If I can get him to agree to put a flush toilet in his cave that would be a good start.

Bin Laden:  Flush toilets lead to rising sea levels.  The science is settled on this.

Gore: Just one flush toilet won’t hurt will it?  I’m not comfortable using a bucket for my bodily functions.

Bin Laden:  Elitist!

Gore:  Yeah, well you stink.  When was the last time you washed your robes?

Bin Laden:  I do not use detergent.  They damage the environment.

Gore:  What about soap?

Bin Laden:  You are fat.

Gore:  You see what I have to  put up with?  I love the man but he’s driving me crazy.

The show will premiere immediately after the Super Bowl.

From Cancun, Mexico where the U.N. is holding its latest climate change summit, Rajenda Pachauri, head of the IPCC, wiped the sweat from his brow.

“It’s hot here in Mexico” he told assembled reporters. “Hot hot hot!  If the fact that Cancun is sweltering through a heat wave doesn’t prove the validity of man-made global warming what does?”

As Mr. Pachauri spoke to reporters, several scientists from the IPCC applied sunscreen to their noses in hopes of warding off blisters.

Reeling from criticism that the IPPC’s last report on climate change was filled with fraud and inaccuracy, most notably the claim that glaciers retreated from North America 20,000 years ago because of “the white man“, the conference was designed to show that the organization is still relevant.

The science of man-made global warming has been proven.  It is incontrovertible.  The debate is over.  Those who disagree with us are ideologically-driven fools. Fools I tell you! From the moment man first set foot on Earth aboard space ships from Mars they have had a negative effect on the climate of our dear Mother Earth.  The extinction of the dinosaur?  Caused by the martian-man. Ice ages?  Everyone knows that glaciers advance and retreat depending on how high or low the ancient man set his thermostat.  Despite all this evidence people still doubt our findings?  They still insist on driving cars?  I was talking about this with some other scientists as we flew down here.  Sometimes I doubt the inherent intelligence of the martian-man.

As IPCC assistants fanned him, Mr. Pachauri ended his statement on a note of defiance.

“If it weren’t for the fact that I have a painful sunburn I’d personally beat up all those who doubt our findings.”

He then announced that the next IPCC meeting will be held in Quito, Ecuador, near the equator.

“I just hope the conference center has air conditioning. It’s hard to talk about the dangers of greenhouse gas emission when you are sweating like a pig.”

A newly released study on global warming has found that during Summer months temperatures experience an alarming increase.

“This is proof of anthropogenic global warming.”

The study recommends that during critical Summer months, “when man’s activities seriously threaten Sacred Mother Earth” a panel of experts, “perhaps under the guidance of the United Nations or Al Gore or other reputable Washington politicians” be convened to monitor the carbon footprint of all citizens of the United States.

Among the study’s other recommendations:

1. Summer, if possible should be banned.  If this is deemed inexpedient Summer will be renamed “Global Warming Proof Season”;
   
2. Since it has been proven that large people use more energy, all people over 6 feet tall will be banned;
3. Air conditioners will be banned except in Federal offices and the homes of Congressmen and Senators;
4. During peak temperatures, citizens will be advised not to evacuate their bowels but “hold it until October”;
5. The rock group U2 will be given a private jet to fly around the world so Bono can lecture citizens on the need to reduce their carbon footprint;
6. The Southern Hemisphere, which experiences Winter and cooler temperatures during July and August will be advised to “warm up and verify our findings or Bono will chastise you”;
7. During Summer, all citizens must spend an hour a day naked and face down on the ground to “symbolize humility and regret over the role humanity plays in climate change”;
8. It is theorized that the sunglasses David Caruso wears on CSI: Miami act as a convergence point for heat.  Hence, his glasses will be banned.  Also, he will have to shave his head since “red is a hot color”
9. All trees will be chopped down.  “C’mon.  Didn’t you see ‘The Happening’?  Trees are out to kill us:”;
10. Lutherans will be banned.  “We think there is a connection between global warming and Lutheran activity. We don’t know how it’s done scientifically, but our findings are never wrong.”

Upon being presented with the study’s findings, President Obama ordered a “1000 year moratorium” on offshore oil drilling.  He also banned car travel and announced that henceforth the only acceptable mode of transportation will be foot travel.  To demonstrate his sincerity he walked from the West Wing to the second floor of the White House to personally raise the thermostat to 65 degrees.

“We must work together to heal our planet.  We are the people we have been waiting for.  Now is the time the Earth heals and sea levels stop rising. Now is the time - oh crap it’s my wife.  If she asks no one’s seen me.”

President Obama then departed to a secret underground bunker.

Al and Tipper Gore have announced that their 40-year marriage will be ending. “After a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate” they wrote in a statement released to the press.

Friends and relatives were shocked by the announcement as they saw no trouble in the relationship. However, Mr. Gore has reportedly told political allies that he had to leave his wife to “save the planet.”

“The heat generated from our super sexually charged relationship was causing climate change.  Sea levels were rising.  Ice caps were melting.  Polar bears were drowning.  I have dedicated my life to fighting climate change. I could not stand by and let another polar bear drown just so I could see Tipper in her french maid outfit one more time” said Mr. Gore.

Gore’s explanation for his separation from his wife brings to mind the famous “kiss” from the 2000 Democratic Convention.

“During that kiss I witnessed an untamed sexual passion that I haven’t seen since that video Mick Jagger and David Bowie did together for Dancing in the Street” said a Democratic Party representative who was present at the convention.

In a follow up statement Mr. Gore said “There were only two things I could do to save the planet.  Leave my wife or reduce energy consumption at my Tennessee estate.  What would you do?”

Throughout the United States men contemplating leaving their wives have been given hope by Gore’s announcement.  Divorce lawyers are reporting that “a desire to stop climate change and to save the planet” has replaced “a desire to shack up with my 25-year old secretary” as the number one reason men are now leaving their wives.

Following in Gore’s wake, several states have introduced bills in their legislatures adding “climate change” to their lists of valid reasons for a divorce.

Former President Bill Clinton when asked about the breakup said, “This is a man who is leaving his wife.  I love this man.”

From his home in North Carolina, disgraced former Presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters, “Damn, Gore’s good.  I wish I had thought of that.”

Polar bears could not be reached for comment though it is expected they will support Mr. Gore’s decision.

Stung by revelations of chicanery in the presentation of anthropogenic global warming data, former Vice President Al Gore is sticking to his guns.  AGW is a scientific fact, says Gore.  The debate is over.

“However, I may have been mistaken on the cause of global warming” says the ever humble Gore.  “After further review of the scientific data I am now convinced that AGW is caused by rogue chariots flying too close to the Sun.”

Gore presented his finding during an appearance on a Larry King show that also featured Balloon Boy’s father and John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter.

“If you look at my PowerPoint presentation it shows that the Earth’s temperature spiked at the same time that Phaethon drove his father’s chariot across the sky.  Let this be a warning to all fathers.  Never let your son drive your chariot or car.  They might end up scorching the Earth and destroying all life or they might get arrested for speeding and drug possession.”

Gore then spent the next half hour explaining the facts behind his chariot hypothesis.

“Phaethon ignored his father Apollo’s words and did not steer a middle course through the sky with his chariot.  The ice caps melted, Eskimos sweated in the heat and the polar bears, my god the poor polar bears drowned.  Mountains, plateaus and plains burst into fire. Fields turned into ashes.  Forests and mountains fed each others flame.  The Sahara, once a beautiful rain forest became an inhospitable desert.  Just look at the graphics on page 12 of my presentation.  What do you see?  The Earth on fire.  It will happen again unless the nations of the Earth pass strict chariot control laws.  This is the only way to stop climate change.  I am confident that President Obama will lead the way.”

King then asked Gore if Balloon Boy’s flight might lead to drastic global warming.

“If he had gotten close enough to the Sun the answer is yes.  He’d have to be shot down before the ice caps melted.”

This brought a sharp response from Balloon Boy’s father.

“For the love of God it is not my son’s fault.  This is just a hoax.  Global warming I mean.  Not my son being unfortunately trapped in a runaway balloon that had the world glued to their TVs while I shopped a new reality show I’m working on.”

Rielle Hunter asked Gore if John Edwards could be contributing to global warming.

“I mean Johnny’s sooooo hot!”

Gore denied it, stating that Edwards’ hotness was most likely a result of global warming and not a contributing factor.

King thanked his three guests and reminded viewers to watch tomorrow night’s show “which will feature North Korean President Kim Jong-il and a reunion of the cast of CPO Sharkey.”

Scientists drilling into a mile-deep remote glacier in the State of Tennessee have discovered what is apparently the body of Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States from 1993-2001.

“Because of the cold the body was well-preserved.  We didn’t know who it was at first”  said a scientist.  “Finally we checked his wallet and the I.D. said it was Al Gore.  Then we had to Google who Al Gore was.”

Al Gore, today mostly forgotten, was at one time a well-known pubic figure, the 45th Vice President of the United States and a proponent of the controversial and discredited theory of anthropogenic global warming.  At the height of his popularity Mr. Gore even won an Oscar for his film ‘An Inconvenient Truth.’  That Oscar was rescinded by the Academy after the record winter of 2011 when 56 inches of snow were dumped on Los Angeles.

Gore’s body was found huddled in the basement with several others.  Two have been identified:  Former teen heartthrob Leonardo Dicaprio and NASA Chief Climate Scientist James Hansen.  Next to the bodies was a sizeable pile of coal.

“We think they were trying to use the coal as a last ditch effort to warm themselves.”

Also recovered was Mr. Gore’s laptop.  Analysis of the computer reveals that in the days before his death Gore had visited many carbon credit websites.  Scientists are still debating exactly what a carbon credit is but many theorize it was either a religious talisman or a Japanese porn star.

In Gore’s hand scientists found a piece of paper with the following written on it:

I believe in global warming

I believe in carbon credits - the only way to prevent global warming

Those who do not buy carbon credits will be judged by the living and the dead

I believe in rising sea levels and the drowning of polar bears

Amen.  Please donate to one of my carbon credit foundations.

“We believe it was a prayer of some sort and have dubbed it the ‘global warming creed.’   Ironically if they had only used a diesel-powered snow blower they would have all survived.”

In related news Tennessee has announced that its economy has grown for a record 60th quarter in a row, due largely to the influx of skiers during the winter months.

“Global cooling has been a boon to our economy” said Tennessee’s Governor.