Manhattan Infidel

Several world leaders, including President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Danish Prime Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have vowed to take drastic steps to stop anthropogenic global warming, including taxing, fining or destroying the Sun.

“Every day and in every way our dear, sacred mother Earth is under attack” said President Obama.  “Greenhouse gas emissions are warming our planet to the point where soon island nations may be under water forever. Our coastal cities will be flooded.  Seas will become angry my friends.  And since the Republicans in Congress, in direct opposition to the rest of the civilized world, refuse to stop greenhouse gas emissions I have no choice but to go after the Sun.”

President Obama, with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at his side, announced a series of sanctions against the Sun.

The Sun will have until June 1st to end its “terroristic global warming ways.”  If, after June 1st, the Sun refuses to play ball President Obama has ordered NASA to “shoot the Sun out of the sky.”

“I consider the Sun a friend” said Nancy Pelosi.  “Many of my friends like the Sun.  But the Republicans leave us no choice.  They seem to like fossil fuels.  They do not care about rising seas.  They do not care about the lives of thousands of peoples of color on island nations. ”

After Speaker Pelosi made her remarks President Obama closed the press conference by stating that “Americans are an insular bunch of people.  Many cling to  religion and guns and fossil fuels.  If only our population was as intelligent as Europe!”

He then announced that on June 2nd, “unless Republicans relent and pass cap and trade legislation” NASA will fire rockets at the Sun with the intent of ending its reign of terror.

From Tehran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called the Sun “a Zionist symbol and an enemy of Islam.”  Not wanting infidels to take credit for destroying the Sun Ahmadinejad has dispatched several of Iran’s top underwear bombers.

“May Allah blow their pants up.  May Allah blow the Sun up.”

The Sun could not be reached for comment though a spokesperson for the Sun said, “You think Earth is the only planet that can be warmed by us?  Well good luck to you but right now Mars is looking pretty damn good to us.”

From the recently completed climate summit in Copenhagen came word that a consensus has been reached:  In order to save Mother Earth, dogs must go.

“The carbon footprint of the average dog is morally unsustainable” says a leading environmentalist.  With the footprint of a dog estimated to be 2.07 acres, the planet is in dire jeopardy of soon becoming unsustainable to all life if pets continue to roam free.

With this doomsday scenario in mind, conference delegates signed a nonbinding agreement to eliminate all dogs and cats by the year 2014.

First to put his words into action was ecowarrior Gordon Brown of Great Britain, who returned to 10 Downing Street and shot his dog, Mr. Bojangles, in the back of the head.

Prime Minister Brown released a statement that said, “Mr. Bojangles and I shared a deep love of  Mother Earth.  He knew his death would help save our planet and he happily offered himself up as a sacrifice.”  He further announced that Mr. Bojangles’ remains, as well as the remains of all dogs who are killed, would be recycled at special “Soylent Green” plants throughout the United Kingdom and sold to developing countries as “green-friendly food for the poor.”

There are holdouts however.  Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen vowed not to shoot his dog, Big Fella, until “the damn British give us our six counties back, or until Bono shuts the hell up.  Whichever happens first.”

In Washington D.C., President Obama’s dog Bo told reporters, “Oh come on.  You’re joking right?  First I lose my testicles then they want to shoot me in the back of the head?  That does it, I’m humping a leg.”

Americans will soon receive in the mail a pamphlet, “50 Ways to Shoot your Dog” with a foreword by Paul Simon.

Those who do not wish to shoot their canine friends will still have the so-called Nuclear Option:  Detroit will be sealed off with barbed wire and declared a “Canine Sanctuary Zone.”

“We understand that it will be difficult for Americans, particularly Red State Americans who do not care for Mother Earth, to part with their dogs.  That is why we are offering the Detroit option” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “All they have to do is drop their dogs off in Detroit.”

When word of the nuclear option was first leaked, many dogs took to borrowing their master’s guns and shooting themselves.  One distraught former dog owner recounts coming home from work and finding his dog lying next to his gun.  The dog had left a suicide note that read, “Detroit?  Seriously?  Ruff Ruff.  Sniff.  Ruff. Ruff.  Tell my bitch I love her.”

“Change is always painful” said President Obama.  “But I’m confident that all Americans will do their part to save our planet.”

To fight the scourge of man-made global warming, several countries have announced that New Year’s celebrations will have low carbon footprint, environmentally friendly themes.

Nowhere is this more evident that in perhaps the most famous of New Year’s Eve locations, Times Square in New York City.  Normally a sea of artificial light this year all power in Times Square will be turned off at 11:50 PM and the intersection will be plunged into total darkness.

“We feel that doing this will symbolize New York’s commitment to saving the planet.  Also, the total darkness thing might make it easier for me to cop a feel” said an organizer.

The famous ball dropped from Times Square will also be dark.  Normally the ball is dropped slowly in a controlled descent but since there is no electricity this year the ball will drop at a much faster rate of speed.

“We tested this out a few times and ended up crushing a few workers to death.  Yes, a tragedy but it’s all for the greater good.  Also, the ball might have a tendency to roll up Broadway so we ask the millions packed into the street to just get out of the way.”

In Sidney, Australia, to demontrate the danger of rising sea levels, city fathers have hired Hollywood Director James Cameron to use his special effects wizardry to stage a tsunami at midnight.

“It’s going to be spectacular.  Millions at the water’s edge will get a fantastic view of a blue curtain of water crashing down on them” said a city spokesperson.

Those attending the event are advised to bring a snorkel and fins.  But not to worry.  People who cannot swim will be directed to one of the many ushers in attendance holding “How may I assist you?” signs.

“Those who are drowning are asked to raise their hands and an usher will help you.  Those who are already drowned will be directed to an afterlife counselor.”

And it’s not just big cities getting into the act.  Poughkeepsie, New York will feature an adaptation of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman called “Death of a Polar Bear.”

“We may be a small city but we are quite crazy too”  said Poughkeepsie’s Mayor,  John C. Tkazyik.

All in all, this year’s celebrations promise to be the most environmentally friendly ones since the discovery of electricity.

Tragedy struck the world today as Al Gore was attacked by polar bears and consumed in front of a shocked audience.

Mr. Gore was on stage at a symposium in Copenhagen and giving a speech entitled “The Seas are Rising:  Give me Money” when three polar bears burst into the room and ran straight for the stage.  They pinned Gore down and while two proceeded to tear at his flesh a third stood on his hind legs at the podium, placed glasses on his nose and read the following statement:

“We, the polar bears of the world are tired of being used for propaganda purposes.  Imagine if you will you are resting on an iceberg and getting a little Sun.  Your picture is taken and suddenly you are in newspapers across the globe.  ‘Poor Polar Bear Watches Habitat Melt’ says the headline.  Your privacy is gone.  Phototographers are now always following you around and trying to snap more photos of you in your most vulnerable moments.  How would you like your photo taken when you’re mounting the Mrs?  You take away a polar bear’s dignity you are asking for trouble.  Thank you.  Now if you excuse me I have to eat a politician.

And with that the third bear stepped down from the podium and joined his colleagues in the Gorefest.  Reaction in the hall ran from confusion,  “Is it the Edgar Winter group?” to surprise,  “When the polar bear put on his glasses and started reading his statement I was shocked.  You don’t often see polar bears standing on their hind legs.”

The bears started with Mr. Gore’s torso, tearing it open with their powerful paws and using their long snouts to poke inside.  Then the legs were ripped free and consumed.

A few brave photographers tried to snap photos of the atrocity but were warned by the bears.  “Hey, what did we just tell you?  Give us our dignity back. No photos!” said one bear.

When the bears had finished eating all that was left was Gore’s head, which one bear balanced on top of him and paraded around the room saying “The center of the Earth is 6 million degrees Fahrenheit……no wait, 8 million degrees Fahrenheit.”

And as soon as it began it was over.  The bears left peacefully, one even telling reporters “You’ve been a great audience.   Hey, what does a polar bear do for fun in Copenhagen?  Where do the female bears hang out?”

President Obama, when informed of the tragedy, expressed shock and sadness.

“Michelle and I are deeply saddened by today’s events.  Have you seen my new medal?“

 A reading from the Gospel of Al Gore:

And it came to pass when Al Gore had finished that he said to his disciples “You know that after two days I will be delivered up to those who deny the scientific truth of global warming.”Now on the first day of the global warming conference in Copenhagen the disciples came to Al Gore and said, “Where dost thou want us to prepare for thee to eat a cheeseburger or two?”  But Al Gore saith “Go into the city, to a McDonald’s and say “Al Gore says My time is near at hand;  at this McDonald’s I am celebrating thy global warming conference.”

Then a reporter from Fox went to the those who deny global warming and saith to them, “What are you willing to give me for delivering him to you?” But they assigned him the carcass of a polar bear who drowneth in rising seas.  And from then on he sought an opportunity to betray him. 

Now when evening had arrived he reclined at the counter with his disciples including Leonardo DiCaprio.  And while they were eating he saith, “Amen I say to you, one of you will betray me.”  And being much saddened they began each to say, “Is it I, Mr. Gore?”  But he answered and saith “He who dips his hand into the ranch sauce for the Chicken McNuggets with me, he will betray me.”

And while they were at McDonald’s Al Gore took a McNugget and blessed and broke, and gave it to his disciples and said “Take and eat; this is my body.” And taking the Diet Coke he gave thanks and gave it to them, saying “All of you drink of this; for this is my blood of the new global warming covenant, which is being shed for many unto the forgiveness of their carbon footprint.  But I say unto you, I will not drink of this Diet Coke henceforth until that day when I shall drink it with you in the presence of President Obama.”

And after reciting a Bruce Springsteen song, I don’t remember which one but I think it was ‘Thunder Road’, they left the McDonalds.  Then Al Gore saith unto them, ‘You will all be scandalized this night because of me; for it is written, ‘I will leak emails exposing unethical scientists who invent data to support their grants, and the global warming flock will be scattered.’ But after I have finished another couple burgers at another restaurant along the way I will go before you unto the City.”

Here endeth the Gospel reading from Al Gore.

 65 Billion B.C. (or is that B.C.E.)

A conference of  dinosaurs today concluded that the Earth is “dangerously close to brink of being unsustainable to all life” and recommended drastic dietary and lifestyle changes.

The global warming conference was heavily attended by dinosaurs from throughout the world.  The conference opened with an address by the leading proponent of dinosaur-made global warming, a Brontosaurus from the North American Continent.

“If we do not make changes to our lifestyle dinosaurs run the risk of going the way of the pelycosaurs, archosaurs and therapsids.  We have grown accustomed to our advanced way of life but we must make these changes.  The science is irrefutable.  The debate is over.”

Those changes include diapers to be worn by all meat-eating dinosaurs.  This brought cries of outrage from the meat-eating dinosaurs in attendance who wondered why they were being singled out.

“I’m a vegan” explained the Brontosaurus. “My vegan diet leads to vegan waste which nourishes the Earth.  Your meat-eating diet lead to waste matter that fouls the Earth.”

It was then explained that meat-eating dinosaurs that did not wish to change their diet would be given an opportunity to buy “diaper credits.”  Under the system of diaper credits their diet would not be held against them as their purchased credits will enable the planting of gardens throughout the globe, leading to a reduction in global warming and incentives for meat-eaters to become vegans.

It was then time for a Tyrannosaurus to address the conference.  He began his speech by questioning the science of the brontosaurus.  His speech was drowned out however by brontosaurus protesters who held up signs saying “Tyrannosaurus = Tyranny” and “T-racist.”

The conference ended when a meteor was seen in the sky.

“Well there goes the neighborhood” said a T. Rex.  “Screw diaper credits I’m going out in style.”

He then plunged his foot-long teeth into the neck of a brontosaurus.

780 A.D. (or is that C.E.?)

From their Norse homeland came word that the Vikings, worried about the Earth’s declining resources and the scourge of climate change have decided that in the future pillaging will be strictly limited.

“I had just burned an entire village to the ground” says the Viking Ivar the Boneless. “And don’t get me wrong.  I enjoy my work.  But I kept hearing the words of the prophet Al Gorethorson ringing in my ears.  He tells us that the Earth’s climate is changing. Our way of life is in danger.  And who am I to question a prophet.”

Ivar the Boneless is not alone.  Many Vikings are abandoning or at least modifying their traditional ways. Ragnor Lodbruk had just finished destroying a village when the prophet Al Gorethorson paid him a visit in a dream.

“He showed me some scrolls with drawings on them.  He called it a multimedia presentation.  He said that the drawings proved that my pillaging was causing sea levels to rise and if I did not stop my hometown would be under water.”

Lodbruk immediately awoke, ordered his men to repair the town and went to the nearest church to buy what he calls a “carbon credit.”

“The prophet explained it to me in the dream.  Buying this credit would grant me an indulgence and free me from my environmental sins and any temporal punishment.”

Among other changes in Viking lifestyle is a change in diet.  Many Vikings are abandoning meat and adopting a strict vegetarian diet.

“It’s not the same really, sitting down to a meal of vegetables and green things but it was explained to me that this new diet would lower my cholesterol level and my chance of developing certain cancers.  And I’d be less warlike as a result which I’ve been told is a good thing” says Ingvar the Far-Traveled. “It seems to be working.  I don’t feel like pillaging anymore.  All I want to do is talk about my feelings and have a good cry.  I cry a lot now.  I cry about our culture’s wastefulness. I cry about rising sea levels. I cry about my treatment of native Norsepeople.  I cry about the lack of opportunity for women to advance in our male-dominated war-like Viking culture.”

Ingvar has set up a shrine to the prophet Al Gorethorson in his home.

Still, some Vikings remain unconvinced about the truth of climate change and have paid for their apostasy.  Many of them have been shunned by elite Viking society. Their numbers however, are dwindling in the face of Al Gorethorson’s scientific data.

“I’ve taken his words to heart and am trying to reduce my carbon footprint.  I have ordered all my warriors to do the same.  It may destroy our economy and way of life but what does that mean in the face of environmental catastrophe” says Ivar the Boneless.

The Government today announced that it will be taking proactive steps to end global warming.

“It’s no secret that methane released from cows has dramatically increased the World’s core temperature” said Todd Stern, President Obama’s Climate Czar.  “If we continue to let these cows release their methane into the atmosphere we run the risk of having the entire United States under water.  And not just the bad parts like North Dakota and Argentina.”

When informed that Argentina was in fact not part of the United States Stern said “You must work for Fox” before having the reporter placed on a rack and stretched.

A number of tactics were used in the past to stop the menace of methane-releasing cows.  Predator Drones were used briefly but that program was shut down due to collateral damage.  “We got the cows but we also got the free-range chickens.  And this Administration is pro free-range chicken” said Stern.  Special Ops units were sent into the heartland to take out cows.  That program too ran into difficulty when PETA started arming the cows.  “We were frankly very surprised at how well cows could handle rifles.”

A new program, “Operation Anti-Methane” will concentrate on changing the diet of cows.

“We will be teaching cows about the many benefits of a lactose-free diet.”

Special classes have been set up where cows will view multimedia presentations on freedom from lactose.  Literature will be handed out to the cows espousing a healthy diet.  “We weren’t sure what language cows use so we printed them up in Chinese.”

While there have been a few glitches in the program such as getting cows to fit in generic school desks, “The cows had difficulty sitting in the desks - they kept tipping over” and the ever-present danger of accidental methane emission, “We lost a few good men -  the methane levels are still too high to remove the bodies” the Administration remains confident that they have finally hit upon a way to significantly affect climate change.

“Let me stress again that the President Obama is not anti-cow.  President Obama loves cows and considers them an important constituency that was slighted by the Bush Administration.  We only want to stop the horrors that come with methane emission.”

Operation Anti-Methane is estimated to cost about $1.6 trillion dollars.

Today Al Gore gave a speech where he once again warned of the deleterious effects of global warming.  After speaking for 2 hours about greenhouse gas and rising seas Mr. Gore took his speech to a new level by bringing a small child to the stage.

“I realize that many criticize my findings and ask for proof.  I will now provide such proof.”

The child, 3-year old Amy Stewart  appeared confused at first and did not want to leave her mother’s side, clinging to her for support.  Her mother encouraged her to go to Mr. Gore, saying “Don’t worry honey.  It’s for the greater common good.  And the nice man has candy for you.”

Amy approached Gore’s outstretched hand and reached for the milky way bar he was holding.  After giving her the candy he asked her if she liked taking baths.  Amy shook her head no as the audience laughed.

Mr. Gore then addressed the audience.

“It is a fact that as temperatures rise, sea levels will increase, flooding coastal areas and leading to the deaths of thousands.  I will now demonstrate this.” 

He then brought out actor and fellow global-warming enthusiast Leonardo DiCaprio who grabbed Amy, stripped her naked and placed her in the bathtub.  Amy started crying and asking for her mother.

To demonstrate the rising of sea levels Mr. Gore had water pumped into the bathtub until it reached Amy’s shoulders.  As Amy sobbed he said, “The level of water in the tub now represents normal levels around the world that can sustain life.  But what if the waters should rise?”

More water was then pumped into the tub reaching Amy’s chin.  She appeared to panic and made attempts to get out of the tub but was held down by Mr. DiCaprio.

“Imagine this bathtub was New York City and Amy were one of its citizens.  Look at her trying to escape.  But there is no escape from the science of global warming” said the former Vice President.

More water was then pumped into the tub as Amy made a valiant effort to escape from Mr. DiCaprio’s strong grip. Finally she disappeared under the rising water.  Audience members gasped in horror as they watched her arms flailing.  Then, finally, her arms slid beneath the water.

As people filed out of the theatre many commented that they have never seen a more effective demonstration of the dangers facing humanity from global warming.

“I’m definitely going to buy some carbon credits now” declared one audience member.

The New York Times, which covered the event called the speech “brilliant” and the demonstration “a devastating blow to the skeptics of global warming.”

Mrs. Stewart, while saddened by the death of her daughter declared “This is no time to be selfish.  We must all do our part.”

Putting an end to decades of controversy, a leading scientist today announced that she has definitively found the reason glaciers retreated during the last ice age in North America.

“I have uncovered shocking new evidence that the retreat of the glaciers was not an orderly thing.  It appears to be hurried and downright panicky.  There is only one thing that can cause this.  The glaciers were afraid of intimacy”  declared Sandra Manhard of The Institute of Feminist Studies, Gender Displacement and Urkel.

“I took extensive trips throughout New York State and took photos from the air.  My first discovery was that several of the drumlins left behind by the retreating glaciers actually spelled out messages.  One said ‘You’re kidding. You want me to meet your mother?’  Another one said ‘Hey, we’re cool right?  We’re just having fun?’ ”

When asked the significance of this Dr. Manhard appeared exasperated.  “Do I have to spell it out for you?  The glaciers, like all men, are bullies.  They just plowed their way through New York State, carving up everything in its path.”

According to this latest theory, when the manly, bullying glaciers finally reached their terminus in what is now Long Island they were confronted for the first time with land that would stand up to them.

“Long Island women are proud and have a long history of standing up to man bullying.  Obviously the glaciers did not know how to react.  They could not form real relationships and like all bullies, retreated as fast as they could.”

Dr. Manhard showed a photo of a drumlin that she claimed spelled out “I’m so embarrassed.  This has never happened to me before.”

“You see!  You see!” she yelled.  “All the glaciers cared about was having fun.  Not settling down!   And when they were confronted with settling down they could not perform.”

When asked if global warming could have contributed to the retreat of the glaciers Dr. Manhard screamed at the reporter, calling him a “typical male troglodyte and disgrace.”

This is not the first time Dr. Manhard has presented controversial theories.  Last year she stunned the scientific community by announcing that the Big Bang Theory was false and the result of “Man Think.”

“That’s so typical of men.  They equate the beginning of the Universe with a giant male-dominated orgasm.  I have an alternative theory that the Universe was born amid a long, mutually consensual meeting of elements.”

Dr. Manhard then ended the conference by handing out copies of a new paper she will be presenting entitled “The Hockey Stick and The Penis:  Symbols of Male Dominance.”