Manhattan Infidel

Good evening MSNBC viewers.  I’m Chris Matthews reporting tonight from the pivotal state of Florida.   The polls have ended and Florida Republicans have overwhelmingly voted for the intelligent candidate Mitt Romney.  I’m joined by chief political correspondent Chucky Chuck Chuck Chucky Chuck Todd.  Good evening soul brother.

Chuck Todd:  Thank you Chris.  

Chris Matthews:  What do you make of Romney’s overwhelming victory tonight?

Chuck Todd:  Republicans have woken up. They now know that voting for Gingrich is stupid.  Gingrich is stupid.  Those who vote for him are stupid.

Chris Matthew:  I agree.  Normally the mental inferiority of Republicans vis-a-vis we Democrats is manifest.  But by voting for Romney some of our intelligence has rubbed off on these stupid crackers. By the way, you’re from Florida aren’t you?

Chuck Todd:  Yes I was born and raised in that stupid abomination of a cracker state.  But being a Democrat I was smart enough to leave.

Chris Matthews: You don’t have a cracker accent.

Chuck Todd:  As a liberal Democrat I abhor southern accents.  A southern accent is ipso facto evidence of stupidity.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chucky Chuck.  I’m joined next by MSNBC carpet muncher Rachel Maddow.  Rachel, any comments on the election results.

Rachel Maddow:  Chuck, these results are a victory for intelligence - 

Chris Matthews:  Ever use a strap-on?

Rachel Maddow:  Intelligent people do.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Rachel.  If you have just joined us the end of the world has been postponed.  Stupid, fat Newt Gingrich with his stupid fat accent has lost.  A northern Republican, granted as a Republican he is still by definition stupid and racist just not as much as a southerner, has won the  primary.  I’m Chris Matthews and I’m hungry.  I’m joined by Pope Sharpton, spiritual leader of the black race.  Pope Sharpton I’m hungry.  Where is my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  I do not have your pizza!  I am a respected political correspondent!

Chris Matthews:  You slay me!  Seriously where’s my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  Resist we - 

Chris Matthews:  Good night Al.  Don’t dare come back without my pizza.  I’m Chris Matthews and if you’re just joining me smartness is good.  Stupidity is bad.  Smart Republicans have chosen the man without the cracker accent.  I’m Chris Matthews and I now return you to your regularly scheduled program:  “Lockup with Stupid Tattooed Crackers.”

Here at the worldwide headquarters you gonna eat that? of the unstoppable journalistic juggernaut seriously you gonna eat that?  known as Manhattan Infidel we pride ourselves on our infrequent parole violations ability to bring only the best information to our viewers around the world I don’t care if the bagel fell on the floor I’m hungry give it to me.

Many of my readers stop me in the street after I have stolen their wallet to ask me, “Hey, Manhattan Infidel you are a wise man.  What should I do if confronted by a liberal outbreak?”

Like zombie outbreaks, outbreaks of liberals are much to be feared.  Like zombies, liberals evoke a visceral reaction in survivors: Fear.  Panic.  An overwhelming urge to shoot the advancing horde followed by a desire to flee.   This is normal and you should not feel guilty for having these thoughts.

However one must resist the urge to shoot a liberal.  Remember, he’s probably a lawyer and will sue you. (But not before calling you stupid.)

And so, in keeping with Manhattan Infidel’s mission statement of visiting every strip club in the Northeast providing useful and practical information I know present what to do in case of a liberal outbreak.

• Step One:  Stop! 

If you find yourself confronted by a liberal outbreak your first instinct will be to look for an exit.  However, the exits might already be blocked by a socialist who will be handing out Che Guevara t shirts. Do not panic!  Immediately stand still.  Cease any movement.  Liberals, like dinosaurs, can only see moving objects.

• Step Two:  Drop! 

If you find yourself in the mist of a liberal outbreak drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands.  By doing this you confuse the liberal. Also the oxygen will be thicker closer to the ground decreasing your chance of suffocating from progressive rhetoric.

• Step Three:  Roll! 

The victim of a liberal outbreak must roll on the ground in an attempt to brush off the socialist rhetoric.  This will also have the added benefit of extinguishing the liberal by depriving him of oxygen.  If you are on a rug or one is nearby try rolling the rug around yourself to further extinguish the liberal flames.

Just follow these steps and you increase your chances of survival in the liberal apocalypse.  Also, these techniques may be enhanced by telling a liberal that “Jesus loves them.“  Jesus is liberal kryptonite.

And there you have it readers.  It has been my pleasure to impart this timely and practical advice.  Come on.  Are you going to eat that? The bread is still good.  I just have to wipe off that blue stuff.

In his annual State of the Union address, President Obama took the opportunity to once again tout the Buffett rule, named after singer Jimmy Buffett, which would require that secretaries have as much access to margaritas as their millionaire bosses.

Warming to his subject President Obama challenged congressional Republicans.

“Why should a millionaire like Jimmy Buffett have more margaritas than his secretary?” Obama asked rhetorically as Democrats applauded.  “Doesn’t his secretary deserve to have as many margaritas as her boss?  Is it fair that she can’t?  Is this the America we want to live in?”

President Obama then blamed congressional Republicans for the deadlock in Margaritaville.

I’ve been  strumming my six string on the front porch swing of the White House smelling the shrimp from the White House kitchen they’re beginning to boil.  But what’s missing here?  A lost shaker of salt!  Republicans are trying to deny Americans their shaker of salt.  They believe only the rich should have salt shakers. Is this the America we want to live in?

This line brought the most prolonged applause of the speech. Democrats rose to their feet holding salt shakers above their heads.

When the applause died down President Obama continued.

I don’t know the reason I stayed in Washington all season.  I blame the do-nothing congress.  I have nothing to show but this brand new tattoo.  It’s a real beauty.  A Mexican cutie.

The President then dropped his pants to reveal his brand new tattoo.  Sitting behind him, Vice President Biden clapped his hands and shouted “I have a tattoo too!  Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”

Like I said, why should hard working men and women of the middle class of America be forced to search for lost shakers of salt?  Some claim there’s a woman to blame for this.  Hell I don’t know.  But I’d just like to say that back in the White House there’s booze in the blender and soon it will render that frozen concoction that helps me hang on.  All Americans should have access to a blender that will render a frozen concoction that helps them hang on.  Especially in this tough economy.

President Obama then closed his speech by announcing his signature legislation, the so-called “Shaker of Salt” bill.

This bill will give all Americans access to margaritas.  This bill will give all Americans a shaker of salt.  This bill will restore fairness to our country! My fellow Americans god bless you. Good night.

From Iran, President Ahmadinejad blamed the margarita discrepancy on Israel.

“Have you ever looked at Israel on a map? It looks like a shaker of salt.  The Zionists are responsible!”

The political season is in full swing.  Primaries have come and gone.  Candidates have bowed out.  And soon it will be time to choose a candidate to run against President Obama in 2012.   And with this choice comes many questions.  Should the Republicans choose the most “electable” candidate (as electability is defined by the press and the Republican leadership)?  Should a candidate be chosen that represents tea party principles and one vowed to dramatically cut spending?  Should Manhattan Infidel stop hanging around playgrounds offering candy to high school girls?  But what if they are hot?  And so with these questions in mind over the weekend I conducted a totally scientific phone survey.

Note:  This phone survey has a margin of error of +/- 100 percent.

Being a hard-working productive type drunk stumbling home after the bars closed I started my survey at 5 AM Saturday morning.

• Should Republicans settle for Mitt Romney?  After all the  point is to get a candidate elected.

55% answered “Yes.  Let’s be realistic.“  35% said they preferred another candidate.  Seven percent answered “Who the hell is this? Do you know what time it is?”  Two percent answered “Yes I am naked why do you ask?” and one percent responded, “Help me please.  There’s a man in my house and he’s got a gun!”  

To that one percent I say “Hey lady I have my own problems.”

• Should the prospective Republican nominee pledge to uphold the ninth and tenth amendments and curb the power of the Federal government?

An astonishing 85% answered in the affirmative.  “We are in a crisis” “The Feds are out of control” and “The government has too much power” were some of the typical comments.

Ten percent answered no.  “Now is not the time” and “Lets just worry about getting Romney elected” they told me.

Four percent answered “Look, I already told you I’m naked what the hell do you want”  and one percent answered “Please. He has a gun. I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom but I don’t know how long I can hold him off.”

To the one percent I answer, “Invest in Gold!  And a home security system.”

• Should there be a constitutional amendment seeking to pay off the debt and/or the deficit?

On this question there was much unanimity.  93% answered yes.  Three percent said no.  Three percent said, “No you can’t come over and watch me sleep naked!” and one percent said “Oh god he’s breaking down the door. Help me!’

To the one percent I say, “It’s all about you isn’t it?”

• Are you into it?  I can provide my own nipple clamps if you’re worried about cost. 

On this question the response was varied.  53% “Hot diggity dog!”  (I’m paraphrasing of course.  The actual words might have been more like “pervert!“)  35% replied, “Nasty boy when can you come over?” (Though again the actual words may have been more like “Stop sending me photos of your junk.”)  Six percent replied “What the hell does this have to do with the election?”  Five percent told me that if I did not stop asking them if they slept naked they would get a lawyer and one percent responded, “Don’t shoot me!  For the love of god don’t shoot!”

To the one percent I politely ask what the hell does this have to do with my nipple clamps?

• Seriously.  Nipple clamps baby.  Nipple clamps! 

An astonishingly high 75% hung up on me.  20% replied “For the last time stop asking me if I sleep naked.  The hell with a lawyer I’m coming after you.”  Four percent replied ”Do you hang out at Fitzgerald’s Pub often?“  36% replied “I am not good at math” and one percent said, “I’m shot!”

To the one percent I say, “You are dead to me!”

And there you have it readers.  Once again I thank all those who participated in the survey, especially those who were sleeping naked.

Good evening.  I’m Chris Matthews.  Tonight we had  our first primary in the state of New Hampshire.  Why New Hampshire? Why does this state get the first primary?  Simply put Republicans hate Negroes.  Do I have proof of this?  I’m Chris Matthews and I work for MSNBC.  I am joined by MSNBC chief political correspondent Chuck Todd.  Good evening Chuck.

Chuck Todd:  Good evening Chris.

Chris Matthews:  Chuck do you have any thoughts on Mitt Romney’s win tonight?

Chuck Todd:  Well obviously while New Hampshire is predominantly white the state does have a higher class of white people than lowly Iowa. I was heartened by Rick Santorum’s low finish.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chuck.  You know I almost forgot you were a white man when I was talking to you. 

Chuck Todd:  I am taking medicine to make me black.

Chris Matthews:  Good for you.  When you make my leg tingle we’ll talk.   I’m also joined by His Holiness Pope Sharpton, leader of the people who make my leg tingle.  Pope Al Sharpton joins us from a Papa John’s pizza.  Good evening your holiness.

Pope Sharpton:   Resist -

Chris Matthews:   Do you have my pizza?

Pope Sharpton:  Resist we - 

Chris Matthews:  Cut his microphone.  Don’t come back until you have my pizza.   I’m Chris Matthews and I love black people.  I am now joined by Mike Lupica from his home in Connecticut.  Good evening Mike.  Any thoughts on Rick Santorum’s low showing?

Mike Lupica:  I’m heartened that - just a second Chris I have to talk to my maid.  [Speaking to maid] This Chateau le Blanc ‘68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled.  This is room temperature!  Do you want a green card? Do you?  Hablo Ingleso do you-oh? Then start doing your job better.  Now get back in the kitchen!  [To Matthews]  Sorry about that Chris.  It is so hard to find good help nowadays.

Chris Matthews:  I know.  Pope Sharpton still hasn’t brought my pizza yet.  I notice your maid was not white.

Mike Lupica:  I live in a lily white neighborhood.  I hired her because I am pro-diversity.  As long as the diversity isn’t in my neighborhood.

Chris Matthews:  She makes my leg tingle.  Well I’m Chris Matthews.  Mitt Romney has won  the New Hampshire primary.  But more importantly where the hell is my pizza?  Now the Republicans go on to South Carolina.  Will a slave owner win in that state?  I’m Chris Matthews saying good night and if anyone has seen Pope Sharpton make sure he has my pizza.

Good evening.  I’m Chris Matthews. Well tonight the race begins.  After months of watching white people and the Republican party’s token negro Herman Cain debate tonight white people in Iowa attend caucuses all across the state.  Why?  To take part in our great Republic.  But also perhaps because there are no negroes there.  I am joined by chief political correspondent Chuck Todd.  Good evening Chuck.

Chuck Todd:   Good evening.  I have a goatee.

Chris Matthews:  You are one funky white man.  I am also joined by the leader of the black race, his Holiness Pope Al Sharpton.  Good evening your holiness.

Al Sharpton:   Resist we -

Chris Matthews:  Thank you.  And finally I am joined by sportswriter and noted hater of white people, Mike Lupica.  Good evening Mike.  I’ll start with you.  What do you think of these caucuses?

Mike Lupica:  They disgust me. All I see are lily white people. Lily white. Lily lily white.  As I was saying to my Mexican maid: too many white people.  Why do you think they call it a caucus?  Caucasians!  That’s why!

Chris Matthews:  Do many negroes live in your neighborhood?

Mike Lupica:  No.  It’s a safe neighborhood.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you.  As a political reporter you are a great sports reporter.

Mike Lupica: What?  Whitey!

Chris Matthews:  Chuck Todd, any possibility Hitler will win the caucus tonight?

Chuck Todd:  I wouldn’t rule that out.  Iowa is a white stronghold  So obviously Hitler would be popular.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chuck. Once again I love your goatee.

Chuck Todd:  My mother says it makes me look sophisticated.

Chris Matthews:   Your Holiness Pope Sharpton, what do black people think of the Iowa caucus?

Al Sharpton:  Resist - 

Chris Matthews:  Thank you.  I am also joined on the phone by former MSNBC correspondent Keith Olbermann.  Talk to me Keith.  What do you see?

Keith Olbermann:  I don’t see much at the moment.  I’m in my bathtub right now.  Got my big toe stuck in the faucet.  It hurts.

Chris Matthews:  Well there you have it.  If you have just joined us MSNBC is declaring the Iowa caucus as too close to call.  But there is a distinct possibility that Hitler or someone from the Ku Klux Klan will win and forge ahead to the Republican nomination.  Pope Sharpton?

Al Sharpton:  Yes?

Chris Matthews:  Here’s 40 dollars.  Get us a few pizzas.  I’m Chris Matthews.  We now return you to the regularly scheduled program, “Lock up:  Tattoos and anal sex.”

Al Sharpton:  [Off camera]  Resist we much!

Chris Matthews:  I love that Pope. What a spitfire.  I’m Chris Matthews.  Goodnight.

The recent parliamentary election in Russia has shown a stunning drop in support for Vladimir Putin’s  United Russia Party.  In contrast to past elections where the United Russia Party gained almost 75% of the vote their support is now down to under 60%.

Experts cite as possible reasons for the loss of support Russian dissatisfaction with Putin’s rule, anger over alleged corruption and the surprisingly strong showing of write in candidate Peter the Great (pictured here).

“We were all suprised by Peter’s showing.  First, he’s been dead for almost 300 years.  Second we all thought he was touring with Daltry at the moment.”

With the loss of support for United Russia Putin’s plans to run for President may hit a snag.

As for Putin himself he has had no public reaction to the poor showing in the parliamentary election but has promised to do more to widen his base.

What more does Russia want from me?  I’m all man.  All man.  You want me to go deep sea diving?  I’ve done that.  You want me to go hunting bare-chested?  I’ve done that.  You want me to wrestle with bears? I’ve done that.  You want me to poison opposition leaders with an umbrella?  I’ve done that.  There is no one manlier in all of Russia than me.

To back up Putin’s claims of being the manliest person in all of Russia he released this photo today purporting to show him at a local school.

“He’s still got it” squealed a middle-aged woman.  Others were confused by the photo and asked when he had shaved his beard as this was the last photo released by the Putin camp.

Perhaps to shore up support in lieu of the bad election showing Putin has promised to personally strangle to death anyone who does not vote for him.

“I’m going to strangle them, eat them and shit them out.  Because I’m Putin dammit and my anus has passed thousands of Russians.”

To prove his point Putin challenged an elderly grandmother to an arm wrestling match. When she lost he ate her.

Putin (pictured in this undated photo) told reporters that he deserves the Presidency.

“It is my precious!”

When asked to comment Peter the Great (pictured here) replied, “Yeah that’s typical.  Meet the new Russian President.  Same as the old Russian President.”

Sony Pictures announced today that it has green lighted and is rushing into production a biopic of President Barack Obama that is scheduled to be released by the end of next Summer.

The movie, tentatively entitled “The Greatest Socialist Story Ever Told” will show Obama’s rise to the Presidency and the opposition he meets from sinners.  Said an executive at Sony:

Hollywood has a long history of exciting story telling.  And the story of his holiness President Obama is a great story.  Born in a manger.  A mysterious past.  I mean no one knows about his hidden life before his public ministry.  His message of hope and forgiveness for those who pay their fair share of taxes.  I could go on forever but my cocaine has arrived.

Of course the big question would be: “Who would play the man who restored hope to the world?”

Naturally every black actor in Hollywood wanted the part.

We auditioned hundreds of young black actors but unfortunately none had the requisite manliness to portray Obama.  So we had to settle for Will Smith.

Filming has already begun.  Two scenes have been leaked to the press which show that the biopic of the great leader is a straight-forward, fact-based movie of this remarkable man.

In the first scene, dubbed “The Sermon on Michigan Avenue“,  Obama gathers his disciples:

Barack Obama:  Blessed are the poor.  For the income of millionaires and billionaires will be redistributed to you.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad;  for your reward is great in Washington D.C., and behold, the Democratic Party will not abandon you, until the consummation of the Republican Party.

Bill Ayers: Can I make bombs to blow up policemen and military personnel?

Barack Obama: He who lives by the sword dies by the sword.

Bill Ayers:  But I’m not using a sword.  I’m using bombs.

Barack Obama:  Present.

In the second scene an  anguished President Obama deals with Republican opposition:

Mitch McConnell:  Mr. President.  We are not going to raise taxes.

Barack Obama:  O faithless and perverse generation!  How long shall I be with you?  How long shall I put up with you?

Harry Reid:  Truly this man was the son of God!

It is hoped that the release of the movie will stop Hollywood’s long slump at the box office.

“We want everyone to see this movie” said a Hollywood insider.  “Well, except for Republicans.  We don’t want stupid people seeing the movie.  That’s not the crowd we want.  And that’s why Hollywood is America!”

Republican Presidential candidate  Herman Cain, who had previously weathered allegations of sexual harassment, admitted today that he had engaged in an “improper relationship with himself” that lasted 13 years.

Calling an impromptu press conference, Cain admitted to the affair:

I took myself out to dinner.  I brought myself back to motel rooms.  I have often called myself.  This improper relationship went on for 13 years.  I have no one to blame but myself.  It was pretty simple.  It wasn’t complicated.  I was aware that I was married.  And I was also aware that I was involved in a very inappropriate relationship.

Cain said that he decided to go public with his affair with himself because he had been getting calls from reporters and wanted to get his side of the story out.

To prove that he had an affair with himself Cain released cellphone records that showed he called himself often, sometimes early in the morning or late at night.

“Why would I call myself at 4:26 a.m. unless I was lonely and wanted company” he told reporters.

Cain said that the affair with himself started after he heard himself speak in Louisville, Kentucky in the late ’90s.

I said to myself, “I’d like to see you again.  You are beautiful to me, and I would love for us to continue this friendship.”

Despite acknowledging the affair, Cain denies there was any sexual contact.

“Sexual penetration?  With myself?  I tried but I’m not that bendy.”

Cain’s attorney, Lin Wood, provided a written statement that said, in part:  “I quit.”

Cain’s announcement shook up the Republican field.  Putative front runner Mitt Romney said, “I oppose what he did.  I’m all for what he did.”

Rick Santorum announced that he too would have an affair with himself, “but only if it would help me get voters.”

Ron Paul told reporters that, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

On Hardball, host Chris Matthews contrasted Cain with President Obama.

When Barack Obama speaks I forget I’m talking to a black man.  When Herman Cain speaks all I see is a black man.  I can say this because I’m a liberal and I love my negro children.

There has been no word yet on whether Cain will suspend his candidacy.

Dateline lower Manhattan, September 2026.

The worldwide movement known as “Occupy Wall Street” celebrated its 15th anniversary today with hugs, smiles and a free concert by David Crosby and Graham Nash.

The festivities got underway just after 9 AM when the Executive Committee of Occupy Wall Street, which has expertly handled and invested the estimated $40,000,000 in donations arrived in their limos.

Editor’s note:  The Executive Committee of Occupy Wall Street moved out of Zuccotti Park in early 2012 because of safety concerns.

“We handle lots of money” said an Executive Committee member.  “And there’s lots of homeless in the area.  They don’t deserve our money.”

Committee members then moved amongst the enlisted ranks of Occupy Wall Street handing out money to the occupiers.  In return for the money the occupiers must sign a statement saying that they agree to abide by the terms of the Executive Committee and repay the loan at 8.5% interest.

After the money had been distributed the first person born during the occupation, dubbed “Occupy 11” stood up to applause.

Editor’s  note:  Occupy 1 through 10 were the result of rapes committed in Zuccotti park and hence were aborted.

The Supreme Leader of Occupy Wall Street then spoke:

Comrades, look around you.  When we arrived here 15 years ago this park and its surrounding area were bustling with activity.  The criminal activity of capitalists [boos from the occupiers].  Capitalists worked here [more boos from occupiers].  But look at this place now!  No activity whatsoever!  We have driven out the moneychangers and replaced it with art.    Our entire occupation is art.  Look at our sculptures -

Editor’s note:  The Supreme Leader is referring to the four-story tall calcified mounds of excrement that surround Zuccotti park.

- These sculptures stand for us.  They represent us!  They represent what we have symbolically and in many cases literally done to the capitalists.  We fling our poo in their direction! We are the resistance!  Occupy!  Occupy!  Occupy!

When the Supreme Leader had finished speaking it was time for the highlight of the festivities.  David Crosby and Graham Nash were wheeled into the park to regale the occupiers with protest songs.  Many in the crowd had tears in their eyes as Crosby and Nash, now in their mid 80s, battled the elements and their bladders to sing.

One morning/I woke up/and I couldn’t remember who the hell I was/Carry on/a bowel movement is coming/a bowel movement is coming to us all!

The crowd sang along, lifted up by the sentiment and paid little attention when Crosby and Nash stopped singing so they could receive their medication.

After the concert was over the Executive Committee got back into their limos but not before promising the occupiers that they will return for the 25th anniversary.

“Unless Bono invites us to his mansion of course.”