Manhattan Infidel

Most know him by his movie roles, whether it is Michael Collins, Zeus in Clash of the Titans, Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia or Qui-Gon Jinn in the Star Wars franchise.  But Liam Neeson is much more than that.  He is a deeply spiritual man. I recently had the pleasure to sit down with him for an exclusive interview.

MI:  Thank you for the opportunity to interview you.

LL:  Not at all.  It’s my pleasure

MI:  Let’s start at the beginning.  You were born in Ballymena, County Antrim, Northern Ireland and raised as a Catholic.  You were actually named after the parish priest.

LL:  Yes, yes I was. Ah, bless my heart you have done your homework haven’t you, Infidel?

MI:   I pride myself on doing my homework, attention to detail and looking good in women’s clothing.

LL:  Ah, don’t we all.

MI:  Let’s discuss your spiritual views now.  Are you still a Catholic?

LL:  No.  I was reared a Catholic but I think every day we have to ask ourselves what are we doing on this planet?  What’s it all about?  I’m always reading books on God or the absence of God and atheism.

MI:  I see.  That’s commendable of you.  So where has your spiritual journey taken you?  Where are you now?

LL:  I’ve converted to Islam.

MI:  Wow.  This will come as a shock to many of my readers.  What made you decide to convert?

LL:  Islamic prayer got into my spirit when I was filming in Istanbul.  The call to prayer happens five times a day.  It gets into your spirit.  It’s the most beautiful thing.

MI:  Okay.  I guess no one can fault you for honestly exploring your spirituality. What else attracted to you to Islam?

LL:  I like the idea of living in backwardness and filth. Modern hygiene is so Christian, don’t you think, Infidel?

MI:  Um.  I’ll have to take your word on that.  Anything else?

LL:  I have a few female dogs.  

MI:  Yes?

LL:  I just had them clitoraly circumcised.

MI:  My god why?

LL:  I don’t want them to become wild, promiscuous western dogs.

MI:  This is getting uncomfortable.  Let’s change the subject.  You look stockier.  Have you been putting on weight?  Perhaps for a film role?

LL:  Laddie, you noticed my suicide vest.

MI: Your what?

LL:  My suicide vest.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to blow you up now.

MI:  Why?

LL:  You’re an enemy of the prophet.  Now just relax.  This won’t hurt a bit.

MI:  Bullshit.

LL:  Ah, you have me on that.  It’ll hurt a lot.

MI:  Wait….NO!!

LL:  Allah Akbar!!

At this point the tape recording of the interview ended with the sound of a loud bang, screams and moaning.  In keeping with his last will and testament Manhattan Infidel’s ashes will be scattered over Olivia Wilde.

For years Captain Crunch (full name Horatio Magellan Crunch) was the most popular children’s cereal.  Captain Crunch was acclaimed, respected and enjoyed.  But then the fickle hand of fate, dietary trends and pressure from the White House ended Captain Crunch’s once seemingly invulnerable perch atop the cereal chain.  In March of last year, Pepsico, Inc., the parent company of Quaker announced that they will no longer market him.  Since then the Captain has been an officer without a portfolio with nothing to do but wait for retirement.  Recently I sat down with the Captain for this exclusive interview.

MI:  Good morning Captain.

CC:  Good morning.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to get my side of the story out.

MI:  Okay let’s start with that.  How did all this come about?

CC:  Well one day I got a call from the White House.  Michelle Obama wanted to speak to me.  She was concerned about the obesity epidemic in America and didn’t like that fact that I contained 12 grams of sugar in a single serving.

MI:  And what was your response to her concerns?

CC:  I’m afraid I didn’t handle it too well.  I lost my temper and asked her what part of the f#($ing constitution gives her the f#$#ing right to monitor the f#*#ing cereal children eat.  I apologize for my language.

MI:  You’re a sailor.  Sailors are supposed to have salty language.   But back to the First Lady.  What happened after that?

CC:   Well it seems she didn’t like someone pissing in her cornflakes, to borrow a phrase.  She went to Pepsico and told them to stop marketing me.  Next thing you know I’m being called into the home office and told that I had two choices:  Accept a demotion to Commander or retire.  Me?  The Captain accept a demotion?  I should be an f#($ing Admiral for f#$ing Christ’s sake.  I mean, all the joy I’ve given children throughout the years.

MI:  I admit I used to eat you for breakfast all the time when I was a kid.

CC:  See.  And didn’t you enjoy eating the Captain? Didn’t you enjoy putting me in your mouth?

MI:  Um.

CC:  Tasting me.  Taking all of me in your mouth and letting it go down your throat?

MI:  Okay. Well I thank you for your time.

CC:  Yeah, you liked that didn’t you?  Come on.  Take the Captain. Take it all!  You know you f#$*ing want it.  Gag on the Captain!

MI:  What the hell -

CC:  I’m sorry.  It’s just that….just that since the First Lady forced me to retire I haven’t been on a ship.  I miss the companionship of a couple hundred men living together. Enjoying each others company.  Showering together.  Manly naked wrestling matches.  No women whatsoever to ruin our manly pursuits.

MI: Um.  Your fly - it’s down.

CC:  Oh my.  How did that happen.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

CC:  Come back anytime.  You can be my first mate.

And so ended my interview with the Captain.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a shower.

We here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are always on the lookout for a charitable and worthy cause to pass along to our readers.  And we are  proud to announce we have found one.  The nonprofit foundation “Help Chaz Bono Get a Penis” needs contributions.  And I’m sure my readers will respond.

For those of you not familiar with Chaz’s inspiring story he was born Chastity Bono, the only daughter of Sonny and Cher.  Growing up conflicted and confused Chastity was never comfortable as a woman. (As opposed to Manhattan Infidel who frequently cross dresses.)

Having had gender reassignment surgery Chastity became Chaz Bono and had his breasts surgically removed after his 40th birthday.  He is now currently receiving testosterone injections to complete the process.  But one thing is lacking.  Chaz Bono needs a penis.  Chaz is currently “busily saving money” for the great day when a penis will be given to him.

And that’s where the Help Chaz Bono Get a Penis Foundation comes in: Chaz, being a proud man, prefers not to ask his mother to help him get a penis.

Now I know times are tough.  Many of my readers no doubt have been suffering financially.  But all it takes is a dollar per person.  Let’s call it the March of Dollars!  For Chaz Bono, a penis is so close, yet so far.

Now for those considering a donation, let’s review Chaz’s penis options.

• A basic, standard size no-frills penis (known as the starter penis) will go for $25,000.  This penis is workable, small enough to fit into most alleyways and is a very popular option.  Consider it like a training bra. And like a training bra it will help improve your self-esteem.
• For $45,000 one can buy the so-called “Rock Star Penis.”  This penis, certified rock-star worthy by none other than Steven Tyler will enable the recipient to pick up total strangers in bars by merely flashing his “instrument.” This penis is very popular though possible side effects include years of drug abuse, rapid aging and an uncontrollable desire to marry a supermodel.
• And for $100,000 you can buy the “Captain Kirk Penis.”  This penis is considered something of a “boutique” item as it is expensive and only has one known benefit:  The ability to attract green women from throughout the galaxy.

And there you have it readers.  I know you will respond generously because a penis is a terrible thing to waste.

Or as Chaz himself has said, “If I had it to do over again, I would have saved up and bought a penis before I had my breasts chopped off.  Because now I’m still fat and ugly.  But I got nothin’  Nothin’!!”

The world rejoiced when new parents Beyoncé  and Jay-Z welcomed their new daughter Blue Ivy Carter.  But explosive new allegations of preferential treatment for this important couple threatens to shake America to its foundations.

It is alleged that Beyoncé and Jay-Z placed private security in the maternity ward and that this security in effect “locked down” the natal intensive care unit preventing parents who aren’t as important as Beyoncé and Jay-Z from seeing their new children.  Said one person who was affected:

They just used the hospital like it was their own and nobody else mattered.  They locked us into the NICU and would say, “You can’t come out into the hallway for the next 20 minutes.  These are parents going through very stressful times.  To have the circus roll into town, having to deal with all this drama because someone is a superstar isn’t fair.

Defending the actions of his wife and himself, Jay-Z issued this statement:

First off, I’d like to thank all our fans for the good wishes they have given us on the birth of our lovely daughter.  It is comforting to have so many little people praying for us.

Now as for the allegations.  Yes, we did hire extra security during our stay in the hospital.  This is only normal.  When you are important like we are people try to take advantage of you. So yes, we “locked down” the NICU.  How are we to know that some father who is visiting the ward and crying because his child was born premature isn’t using that as an excuse to take a picture of us and sell it to the tabloids?  Little people sometimes do this.  And yes, one of my security guards did rough up a new father but that is only because this man turned his back on my guard.  And when you turn your back on my employee you turn your back on me, Jay-Z.  And when you turn your back on Jay-Z you commit lese-majesté, which obviously cannot be tolerated in our Republic.  I mean, the guy who was beat up - has he ever met President Obama?  Has he sat in the oval office? No?  I thought not.  That is all my subjects.

A spokesman for Lenox Hill Hospital where the power couple stayed said that it “is not unusual” to use extra security when dealing with celebrities.

“I mean, come on, if poor people want preferential treatment let them play basketball or rap.”

As for the unlucky man who was beaten by  Jay-Z’s security he is a different, humbled man who has learned his lesson.

“I have to be more respectful to my superiors.  Sure my child died when the NICU was locked down and I didn’t get a chance to see her but it’s not like she was Beyoncé’s kid so it doesn’t really matter.”

A marijuana cigarette (aliases include “Mary Jane” “pot” and “reefer“) was arrested at a border checkpoint in West Texas today for possession of the rapper Snoop Dogg.

According to the local sheriff’s office it was after a border agent pulled the marijuana cigarette’s tour bus over that a sniffer dog detected the presence of Snoop Dog (real name Calvin Broadus) in the back of the bus.

Since this was not the first time that marijuana was caught in possession of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was immediately placed under arrest.

Through his lawyer the marijuana cigarette said that he has a prescription for medicinal Snoop Dogg in his home state of California because he suffers from migraines, blurred vision and the munchies.

“Be that as it may” said the sheriff “in Texas we have a zero tolerance policy towards Snoop Dogg.”

The arrest of the cigarette shocked and angered many of his friends.  Though it is well-known that in the past marijuana often bragged of his use of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was left alone as part of an unspoken détente between law enforcement and marijuana.  Many appear worried that this détente is now at an end.

With the arrest the debate over the possible decriminalization of Snoop Dogg will most likely come to the forefront again.

Speaking from his home Willie Nelson told reporters that “I’ve been using Snoop Dogg for years without any side effects.  And Snoop Dogg does not lead to anything stronger.  Well, maybe Mos Def but that’s about it.”

The spokesman for the Normalization of Snoop Dogg (NormSD) released a statement that said:

People are going to use Snoop Dogg.  You know that.  I know that.  So why not just let them?  Yes, in a perfect world Snoop Dogg use would be rare if not used at all but this isn’t a perfect world.  There are worse things people can use like alcohol or Vanilla Ice.  Some people just need Snoop to relax.  So I say be loud, be proud and use Snoop Dogg!

So far none of the candidates for President has spoken out publicly on the Snoop Dogg controversy but is it rumored that if Ron Paul is elected he will legalize him.

As for Mr. Dogg himself, he is quoted as saying, “I’m not that bad. It’s just that people have a need for me.”

The marijuana cigarette was released on bail and will have to appear in court in March.

Recently I had the honor to sit down with the much-respected actress Ellen Barkin.  We discussed her career and topics of current interest.  I thank Miss Barkin for taking time out of her busy schedule to meet with me.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  It’s not often I get an actress of your respected stature to visit me and my humble blog.

EB:  Are you a fascist?

MI:  No.  I’m a Capricorn actually.

EB:  You look like a fascist.  A fascist like Mayor Bloomberg and his goose-steppers in the NYPD.

MI:  Um.  Let’s talk about your career.

EB:  If President Obama, God bless the dear leader, loses the 2012 election America will turn into a police state.  No sh*t.  I’m terrified.

MI:  Do you have proof of this?

EB:  I don’t need proof.  I’m a progressive.  It’s an article of our faith.

MI: Back to your career.  Your breakout role was in the film Diner.

EB:  F#ck all of you.  Bloomberg and everyone goosestepping behind you.

MI:  I - 

EB:  New York City cops are arresting dark-skinned teenagers everyday.

MI:  Well to you I think an albino would be dark-skinned.

EB:  Silence fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI:  Okay since you don’t want to talk about your career let’s switch subjects.  You support the Occupy Wall Street movement, don’t you?

EB:  Yes!  We are the 99 percent.  End corporate personhood!  You are the violence in this city!

MI:  What is it about the Occupy movement that attracts you?

EB:  I despise capitalism.  It oppresses the people.

MI:  Okay as long as we are on the subject of capitalism, you were married to Ron Perelman.

EB:  Your point?

MI:  My point?  He’s a very rich capitalist.  He left you 40 million in the divorce  settlement.

EB:  Fascist!  Fascist!  I should have expected a fascist like you to use dirty tactics.  I’m trying to free the people and redistribute the income.

MI:  Well why don’t you redistribute some of yours?

EB:  Fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI: You already said that.

EB:  Silence fascist.  You shall be - 

MI:  You know what.  I’m out of here. You’re about as boring as an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

EB:  Fascist!  You shall be - 

MI:  Silenced I know.  Bye.

EB:  Where are you going?  I”m not crazy!  Bagel Street?  Don’t talk to me about Bagel street.   A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street.  A safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.

MI:  Well as long as you’re dead there’s no use asking you where the Susquehanna hat company is.

EB:  Susquehanna! Susquehanna!  That’s the hat I was wearing the day I was killed!  Susquehanna!

And so my interview with the respected actress ended.  Once again I thank Miss Barkin for her time.

King Kong, the abnormally large primate, has been arrested, fined and released by the NYPD after his climb up the Empire State Building.

Speaking to reporters outside the Midtown South Precinct on 35th street where he was brought for booking, Kong expressed dismay at his arrest.

This whole thing was blown out of proportion.  Look, I’m just a tourist.  That’s all.  Millions of tourists come to New York City every year.  I just wanted to see the view from the top of the Empire State Building but I’m too big to fit in the elevator so I climbed up the outside of the bulding.  Who did I hurt?  I mean, besides the planes I swatted down?  I was just chilling and enjoying the view when planes showed up and started firing on me.  So I said to myself, “Self, this isn’t a good situation.”  So I climb back down.  And when I get to the ground the NYPD arrests me. For what?  They even made me pee in a cup!

For their part the NYPD is claiming that Kong’s climb up the Empire State Building represented a significant threat, frightened citizens, and in this time of budget cutting, resulted in significant costs in overtime for the NYPD and the sanitation department.

From police headquarters in One Police Plaza Ray Kelly, Commissioner of the NYPD said that Mr. Kong’s actions were illegal and that his department reacted appropriately to the threat.

We received reports that an abnormally sized primate was climbing up the side of the Empire State Building.  We immediately put our anti-terrorism task force into action, including helicopters and planes to stop the threat.  I am proud of our department.  I am proud of our actions.  Because of us no civilians were injured.  We did lose several uniformed officers when Kong deposited a pile of his feces onto 33rd street.  Several officers had to be dug out.  Some are still missing.  Mr. Kong has been charged with climbing up the outside of the Empire State Building without a permit and depositing waste onto a city street.  He has been released on his own recognizance.  

In addition to his trouble with the police, the FDA also would like to talk to Mr. Kong.  Margaret Hamburg, commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration has announced that she believes that Kong’s size is the result of “rampant abuse of steroids and HGH.”

In  a related note, after the disappointing end to their season, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has expressed interest in talking to Kong.

“With his size he’d be an asset to our defensive line.  He can help us go to the Superbowl.  Next year.  Maybe.  I know I say that every year.  But I’m an idiot.  An idiot who likes feet.”

The only problem? Kong is currently under contract to Manchester United of the Premiere League.

Popular mascot the Pillsbury Doughboy (real name Poppin’ Fresh) was slowly cooked today at 350 degrees resulting in a tasty treat.  Today’s events ended the life of “Pops” as he was known to his close friends.

The rise to fame and fortune of Poppin’ Fresh is one of the more remarkable stories in show business. Born in 1965 to a drug-addicted single mother Poppin’ Fresh spent most of his early life in foster homes.  A chance encounter with a Hollywood agent led to his hiring by the Pillsbury Company who were looking to replace their former mascot the Pillsbury Fire Ant who left to star in a dinner theater revival of The Pirates of Penzance.

From his first commercial Poppin’ was an instant success.  For the next ten years he was the face of the Pillsbury Company and his popularity was unrivaled.  In 1985 Time magazine named him the “Most Influential Anthropomorphic character since James G. Blaine.” 

A dispute with Pillbury over residuals led to his temporary firing in 2004.  However the outcry soon led to his rehiring.

After his rehiring Poppin’ supplemented his income with wildly popular personal appearances.

“Women loved him” said an executive with Pillsbury.  “I can’t explain it. They found him sexy. I mean he was only six inches tall, had no genitalia and was whiter than Edgar Winter but they still loved him.”

It was at one of these personal appearances that the end came for Poppin’.   Sources report that he had just been poked in the stomach by a woman when she left him alone with her daughter.  The daughter then proceeded to pick up Poppin’ and place him in the oven.

Poppin’ screamed and banged on the oven door shouting “Jesus Christ I’m being baked alive.  For the love of God let me out!”

As the end neared and Poppin’ had turned a toasty brown he lost the ability to formulate words and would just moan.

The woman returned to the kitchen and found the lifeless Poppin’ in her oven.

“Naturally I was horrified.  Horrified but hungry” she told police.

After removing Poppin’ from her oven she proceeded to eat him.  The woman appeared to be unfazed by the fact that she ate a popular mascot.

“I know that Poppin’ lives.  And as often as I eat him I proclaim his death until he comes again.”

The Pillsbury Company expressed sorrow over the incident and has started looking for an anthropomorphic character to replace Poppin’.  Rumor has it that the heavy favorite is G.I. Joe.

“I just got back from Iraq and need a job” said Joe. “This could help me re-assimilate into civilian society.”

Cheetah, the chimpanzee who played alongside Johnny Weissmuller in several classic 1930s Tarzan movies has died.

The Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Harbor, Florida announced that Cheetah died in his sleep at the age of 80 from “a broken heart and kidney failure.  But mostly kidney failure.”

“Cheetah was a very special chimpanzee” said the director of the Sanctuary.  “We all loved him.  He liked children, finger painting, watching football and flinging poo at people.  But mostly flinging poo at people.”

Cheetah was a fixture for decades at the sanctuary, retiring there in 1960 when his acting roles began to dry up.  Cheetah had many famous visitors over the years who came to view his finger painting and have poo flung at them.  But mostly to have poo flung at them.

Usually the people were tolerant of Cheetah’s poo-flinging.  After all, we all believe in multiculturalism and that was just a part of Cheetah’s rich cultural heritage.  But I remember one time President Nixon came to visit and Cheetah flung poo at him.  Nixon got very upset and said “No one makes a monkey out of Dick Nixon” and then he crapped in his hand and flung some poo back at Cheetah.  Let me tell you Nixon had a good arm.  Hit Cheetah right in the face!  After that incident Cheetah changed his party affiliation to the Democrats.  He never voted Republican again.

During his prime Cheetah was voted Hollywood’s most beloved primate, beating out George Raft three years in a row.

After his days as playing Tarzan’s chimpanzee ended Cheetah found it difficult to get work in Hollywood.

“He was typecast as a chimpanzee.  This was a blow to his pride.  As an actor he was so much more.”

Cheetah finally parted company with Hollywood shortly after losing out for the title role in “Life of Riley” to William Bendix.  According to a Hollywood historian, the producers felt that Cheetah brought a different emphasis to the role than they wanted.  That and they were tired of having poo flung at them.

Cheetah then tried his hand at Rock and Roll but his one single, “Flinging Poo at You” failed to chart.

A spokesman at the Primate Sanctuary where Cheetah died has asked his fans to spend a “few moments of silence remembering the joy Cheetah brought to people. And if possible if you could fling some poo in his memory that would be great.”

Flo, popular saleswoman for Progressive Insurance has been arrested it has been learned.  In what may be a law enforcement first, Flo has been charged with “violence and harrassment related to an addiction for selling insurance.”

As Flo sits in a guarded and solitary cell, “We didn’t want her selling insurance to the other inmates”, victims of Flo’s reign of insurance terror came forward to tell their stories.

One victim tell reporters that his life has never been the same since his run-in with Flo:

My wife and I already have insurance.  One day this woman shows up at our front door and says “How’d you like a real good deal on insurance?”  I told her that I was happy with my insurance.  So she says again, “Flo can make you happy big boy.”  So again I tell her that all my needs have been satisfied.  So she says “Really?  Really?  All your needs?” and then she rips open her blouse and says “Take a look at the sisters!” and she grabs my head and buries them in her breasts.  “Feel them.  Roll around in them. Suck at the milk of Flo.”

Well then my wife comes out and says “Jerry what the hell are you doing?” and Flo says “Back off lady.  He’s my bitch now.  Once you’ve had Flo you don’t go back!”  My wife says “Jerry do you prefer her?” I didn’t have a chance to respond since my face was buried in Flo’s breasts.  But then my wife rips open her blouse and tells Flo “He prefers these!”  Well then Flo and my wife start comparing their breasts and touching each other.

I used to be happy.  Content. Now all I can think about is Flo and my wife touching each others breasts.

When asked if he bought insurance the man sheepishly said, “Yeah.  After that show I’d do anything for Flo.”

If that wasn’t bad enough Flo soon developed the FloBot to punish those who do not buy insurance from her.  But the FloBot soon malfunctioned and began severely beating anyone she encountered.

George Michael of London, England tells of his run-in with the FloBot.

 I was in a mens room in Kenosha, Wisconson looking for, er, my wedding ring, when FloBot storms in.  She grabs me by my throat and starts squeezing.  I haven’t been so frightened by anything so obviously nonhuman since I met Nikki Sixx.  

When asked how he escaped the FloBot Michael said, “Escape?  I like it rough!”

As for Flo herself, in a statement released through her attorney, denied all charges and said, “I just want to sell insurance.”

FloBot is still on the run.  Anyone who sees her is advised to steer clear and notify authorities.

George Michael is still searching mens rooms throughout the U.S. for his wedding ring.