Manhattan Infidel

The trial of the century involving Bedrock citizen Fred Flintstone reached a stunning conclusion today.  After less than four hours of deliberation the jury found Flintstone not guilty of the murders of Barney and Betty Rubble and the attempted murder of ex-wife Wilma Flintstone.

The six-month trial, which polarized Bedrock along racial lines ended as the jury found there was reasonable doubt that Flintstone had pulled the trigger on the fateful night in question.

In anticipation of a guilty verdict the Mayor of Bedrock had called out extra police to guard neanderthal neighborhoods in case of rioting.  But after news of the not guilty decision the tense neanderthal slums, which seemed ready to erupt just moments earlier gave way to scenes of celebration.

“We finally won one.   The cro-magnon man tried to throw Fred in jail but that is one neanderthal brother that they won’t be able to get” said one happy resident.

When asked about the evidence, and the fact that on the night of the murder Flintstone was found with the still smoking murder weapon in his hand he replied, “It was a cro-magnon trick.   Cracker ass cros are always doing this to us.”

Despite the fact that Flintstone was caught on security cameras yelling “I’m going to kill you Rubble” before entering the Rubble residence, jurors who spoke to the press afterwords were adamant that there was never any doubt that Flintstone was not guilty.

“We never saw what went on in the house.  Barney, Betty or Wilma could have fired the fatal shots” said one juror.

When asked why Wilma Flintstone, who was paralyzed in the shooting would inflict a wound on herself another juror said “I don’t know.  The cros are always pulling shit like that.  She deserved it anyway, taking Fred away from his kind like she did.”

When the verdict was announced a jubilant Flintstone pumped his fist in the air and shouted “Yabba dabba doo!”   When asked about his immediate plans, he said that he hopes to get his job back at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company.  He also intends to sue the City of Bedrock for false imprisonment.

“I’m also going to write a book about my experience as a neanderthal in the cro-magnon’s justice system.   I’m going to dedicate the rest of my life to finding the real killers and helping my people.  I’m going to become an activist in my community.”

In a related development,  the Mayor of Bedrock announced that he plans to ask the city council for money to develop neanderthal neighborhoods.

“We are going to build them affordable housing” he said.

With the double murder trial of Bedrock resident Fred Flintstone now dragging on into its 3rd month tempers flared, lawyers were held in contempt and surprising new evidence was introduced.

The week started off with the judge and the prosecution getting into a shouting match that led to a contempt citation.  When the prosecution tried to introduce evidence that showed that murder rates are higher in neanderthal than cro-magnon neighborhoods the defense objected.

“I object your honor to the obvious racism of the prosecution.”

This caused the prosecution to call the defense team a “bunch of neanderthal trash” resulting in the defense lunging at the prosecution.  Blows were exchanged and order was not restored until the court officers maced both defense and prosecution.

Defendant Flintstone laughed and said “I should have used mace instead of a shotgun”.   The trial was put on hold as the judge interviewed each member of the jury whether they heard Flintstone’s comments.

The week ended with the defense attempting to introduce used condoms found in the Rubble residence.

“There was another man in the house that night besides the murder victim Rubble and the defendant Flintstone.  These condoms prove it since they do not fit my client.  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, if the condom doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

With judge, jury, spectators and press watching with rapt attention, the defendant Flintstone was forced to put on the condoms.  Women spectators squealed in delight with several fainting while others asked if they could take the evidence home.  Flintstone himself did not appear embarrassed shouting “get a good look ladies - I’m gonna be acquited and then you can all have me.”

Flintstone’s  wheelchair bound ex-wife Wilma, the lone survivor of the shooting that left her lovers Barney and Betty Rubble dead shook her head in disgust.

“That’s just like Fred. Always wanting attention.”

The trial will continue next week with both sides set for closing arguments.

(To be continued)

Amid tight security and unprecedented press coverage, the murder trial of former Slate Rock and Gravel employee and Bedrock citizen Fred Flintstone has begun.

From his jail cell Flintstone was awakened at 6 AM.  After a shave and a shower and a quick meeting with his lawyers Flintstone was driven the 2 miles to the courthouse in an unmarked police car.  Arriving at the courthouse and dressed in a new blue suit Flintstone emerged from the car and waved to hundreds of his young, female cro-magnon supporters.

“We love you Fred” and “Fred is innocent” as well as a few “Have my baby Fred” signs were held aloft by the crowd.  Flintstone acknowledged the cheers and against the advice of his lawyers approached the crowds to shake hands.

“It was like he was a rock star” said one reporter.  “Everyone went crazy.  People were trying to rip off his clothes or cut off snippits of his hair  I just don’t understand it.”

Inside the courtroom the presiding Judge, Harold Myer called the trial to order.   “The People of Bedrock vs. Fred Flintstone in the murder of Barney and Betty Rubble is now in session” said the bailiff.

Flintstone appeared confident if not cocky, leaning back in his chair and appearing uninterested in the proceedings.   The prosecuter began his opening statement.

“We will proceed to show that the defendant, Fred Flintstone, on the night of April 16th committed the murders of Barney and Betty Rubble, a happily married and respectable cro-magnon couple.  He not only murdered them he planned it out in advance, stalking them for weeks.  On the night in question he parked outside their home with a shotgun on his lap, calmly walked into their home and began shooting, killing the Rubbles and seriously wounding his ex-wife Wilma Flintstone Slaghoople”

At the mention of her name, Wilma Flintstone wept in her wheelchair. “Because of that bastard I’m in this chair.  Because of him I’ll never again know the pleasuring touch of another female.”

The judge ordered the courtroom cleared, except for Wilma Flintstone.  “It’s important that I hear more about the pleasuring touch of another female” he said before retiring to his quarters with her.

After a half-hour’s delay he emerged from his quarters looking slightly flushed and thanked Flintstone for volunteering the information in such explicit detail.

It was now the defense team’s turn.  “We will show that the defendant, a good decent loyal hard working provider was brought to the edge of insanity by the infidelities of his wife. We will further show that she taunted our client by moving in next door to him and beginning an affair with his best friend Barney Rubble and his wife!”

At the mention of the threesome the courtroom again erupted with gasps, cries and several shouts of “Way to go Barney!”   The courtroom was cleared for a second time and the defense was allowed to finish with their opening statement.

After the statement was finished the trial adjourned for the day.  Fred Flintstone left the courtroom and waved to the crowd.  He seemed to be enjoying his new celebrity, teasing the bystanders and saying “Don’t worry honies.  I’ll be found innocent and then you can all have me.”

The trial is set to resume next week.

(To be continued)

With the trial of Fred Flintstone set to begin in a couple weeks, lawyers for both sides are frustrated by the inability to find 12 impartial jurors to decide  his fate.

“Everybody has an opinion about Flintstone’s guilt.  It would be crazy to pretend otherwise” says the District Attorney. “The first day we had 500 potential jurors rejected.  I knew it was going to be a long process when the first potential  juror we interviewed stood up and shouted ‘Fry the guilty son-of-a-bitch.’  We  had to reject him because he was Irish. “

After a few days of frustration where every juror was rejected it was decided to create a questionnaire for jurors to answer.  Depending on the answers they would then actually be called in to meet the defense lawyers and assistant district attorneys. The unwieldy questionnaire which reached  83 pages was designed to test the emotional stability and intelligence of jurors.  Questions included the basic “Can you objectively judge the guilt or innocence of the defendant Fred Flintstone”, “No seriously.  we know he’s guilty but we have to ask anyway - can you be objective”,  to the more esoteric questions such as “If you found a wallet with 1000 dollars on the street would you bring it to a police station or use the money to hire a hit man to kill your wife?” (The D.A. who is going through a rough divorce insisted on this question), and “Ginger or Mary Ann.”  “We didn’t want any Ginger fans on the jury since we all like Mary Ann and Tina Louise is such a bitch” said one of the defense attorneys.

Still, after 3 weeks of this the only juror seated was a deaf dumb and blind pinball player named Tommy. After a meeting with the judge, D.A. and defense attorneys it was decided to broaden the jury pool.  Instead of using only citizens of Bedrock it was decided to use people from further away. This too didn’t work as no matter how far away jurors came from they still had an opinion on Flintstone’s guilt or innocence.

People from other planets were even brought in but even Klingons and Romulans could not be objective.  “We had one Romulan tell us that everyone on the Romulan Home World watches ‘Access Hollywood’ so they were all familiar with the case.”

When it appeared that finding objective jurors would be hopeless a marine biologist from Bedrock University suggested the use of dolphins.  “It turns out dolphins are smarter than humans.  They are more logical and objective.”

To add balance to the jury it was also decided to use a few elephants.  “Elephants passed the mirror test.  They recognize their reflections in mirrors.”

So finally after weeks of  haggling a jury was finally seated consisted of one deaf dumb and blind boy, five dolphins and 6 elephants.  “It isn’t perfect but it’ll do” said the D.A.  “It is what it is. The deaf dumb and blind boy is stuck in his quiet vibration land.  But strange as it seems his musical dreams ain’t quite so bad.  The dolphins keep trying to hump the bailiff and the elephants really really go to the bathroom a lot.  I mean a lot!”

(To be continued)

With the Fred Flintstone murder trial weeks away, the City of Bedrock is bitterly divided.  What was once a simple murder trial has become a mirror into the attitudes of Bedrockians.  And, it seems, there are two Bedrocks:  One cro-magnon and one neanderthal.

Fred Flintstone is a neanderthal, born of a neanderthal family that had emigrated into Bedrock in search of work.  Wilma Flintstone was born of a line of prominent cro-magnons.  The two met in college where Wilma was studying law and Fred was attending on a football scholarship.  The pair fell and love and over the objections of Wilma’s father got married.

The marriage of a neanderthal to a cro-magon, while not against the law, was frowned upon as breaking tradition and a threat to the social order.  “Obviously there were concerns in Wilma’s family.  But after seeing Fred on the football field she was smitten” says a family friend. Many feel that Flintstone was tolerated by the Slaghoople family only because of the potential millions Flintstone would make as a professional football player.  “That’s always been the story.  If we can make money the ‘Cros’ will tolerate us.  If not we  are shunned” according to a prominent Bedrock neanderthal community organizer.  Any hope of millions however was dashed when Flintstone blew his knee out at a pro combine.   Flintstone was reduced to working at the Slate Gravel Company in Bedrock.

It was then that the troubles began in the marriage.  “Once Wilma realized she would not be the glamorous wife of a glamorous athlete the scales fell from her eyes” according to a reporter for the Bedrock Times who has been covering the murder.  “She became dissatisfied with Fred’s position in life and his insatiable physical sexuality that left her worn out and aged past her years.  Fred would come home from work and without even a greeting would take her into the bedroom and force himself on her.  Neighbors grew concerned and often heard her moan ‘No Fred….No.  Not now.  I’m tired.’ “

Such claims are controversial downtown in the heart of the neanderthal community.  “That’s a racist slur that works to the worst stereotype of neanderthal men.  The ‘cros’  are always afraid that we are after their women.  We have more important concerns, like getting jobs and social justice” said a neanderthal councilman.  “They don’t know us and they fear us.  How many cro-magnons come downtown to neanderthalville? How many neanderthals can afford to live uptown with the cro-magnons?  Even if we could they wouldn’t want us up there.  They only want to see us if we are their cooks or maids.”

Conversely, many in the Bedrock cro-magnon community have little sympathy for Wilma.  “If you marry one of them, well, what do you expect?” said one Bedrockian.  In Bedrock hospital where Wilma recovered from her bullet wounds she was shunned by the cro-magnon staff.  Even the few neanderthals on the staff had unkind words for her.  “She took away one of our men” declared a neanderthal maid.

It seems no matter what part of town one lives in, the Fred Flintstone murder trial evokes strong emotion.

(To be continued)

As their client sits in jail, Fred Flintstone’s defense lawyers held a late night strategy session.  How were they to defend him?  After all witnesses saw him holding the murder weapon as he broke down the Rubble front door.  Witnesses heard the shots and saw Betty Rubble run out of the house and collapse in the driveway.  Police arrested Flintstone at the scene with the murder weapon still in his hands. After heated debate the consensus was to claim temporary insanity.

A team of psychiatrists handpicked by the lawyers were dispatched to see Flintstone.  The results were not promising.  After subjecting Flintstone to a battery of tests that included word association, memory analysis, inkblot tests and a game of Operation, they came to the conclusion that Flintstone was sane.  Obsessed, but sane.

“During the word assocation every word we came up with he responded with ‘Kill that bastard Rubble.’  If we said dog instead of cat he would respond ‘kill Rubble.’  If we said white instead of black he would respond ‘kill Rubble.’ declares psychiatrist Joseph Story.

The group then moved on to memory analysis.  “We put the defendent under hypnosis and asked him some questions. We wanted to know if he remembered the crime and what he was thinking.  It turns out that not only did he remember the crime but that he had planned it out in advance.”

The inkblot tests resulted in the same results.  “Every inkblot we showed him Flintstone would respond ‘Looks like Rubble after I blew his f—ing head off.’ “

The psychiatrists then played a game of Operation with the defendent.  “We weren’t trying to gain any insight into Flintstone’s mental state with that one” admitted Story. “We were just bored and always liked that game.”

After the psychiatrists reported their findings defense lawyers reexamined Flintstone’s computer.  “We found things we missed the first time, such as bookmarks like ‘How do I murder my neighbor’, “So you’re planning a murder’, ‘The complete idiot’s guide to premeditated murder’, ‘Murdering your neighbor in 5 easy steps’ and perhaps most disturbing, something called ‘Manhattan Infidel’ “ says one of his defense attorneys.

After taking in the report of the psychiatrists, the lawyers reluctantly decided that the temporary insanity defense would not hold.  It seems that many more late night strategy sessions were going to have to be held before the trial begins.  But at least one good thing has resulted from this.  “Flintstone looks great…..really buff.  He told us he has nothing to do all day but lift weights.”

(To be continued)

Barney Rubble was murdered last night in his home in Bedrock.  Police immediately arrested former neighbor Fred Flintstone.  Witnesses heard shots and screams shortly after 1 AM.  Rubble’s wife Betty ran outside screaming “Fred’s shooting us” before collapsing in the driveway, blood gushing from her bullet wounds.  Police arrived within minutes and cordoned off the street.  Police did not know if anyone else besides the shooter was in the house.    After ascertaining there were the Bedrock SWAT team shot tear gas canisters into the house before storming inside.  Once in they found a scene of carnage.  Rubble was slumped over his desk with bullet wounds to the head, chest and groin.  Wilma Flintstone, estranged wife of shooter Fred Flintstone had wounds to her chest and abdomen but was still alive.  Police were able to overpower Flintstone who was weeping and shouting “I just want Wilma back.  Wilma!  Yabba-dabba doo.  Wilma I love you.” Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone were rushed to a local hospital.  Betty Rubble died of her wounds shortly thereafter but Wilma Flintstone remains in critical condition.

Bedrock detectives were able to piece together events that lead to the shooting. Fred and Wilma Flintstone had recently separated with Fred living downtown. Anonymous sources cited  “sexual incompatibility” as the reason for the split.  Wilma meanwhile rented out the house she had shared with her husband and moved in with the Rubbles.

“It’s no secret that the three of them lived together in an open relationship.  Barney used to brag about sharing Betty and Wilma” said one neighbor. Rubble also was head of a local swingers club and held “key” parties at his residence.  As Rubble’s last key party progressed Flintstone parked across the street, sullenly waiting, shotgun in his lap.  Then, at 1 AM when the others left, Flintstone exited his vehicle  and walked towards the Rubble residence.  He shouted “You took my wife Rubble you bastard.  You were my friend and you took my wife” before breaking down the front door.  He fired 3 shots point blank into Rubble before turning upon his wife Betty.  “He took my wife and now I’m taking his” he said before shooting her and reloading.  Wilma Flintstone barricaded herself in the bedroom and called 911. Fred Flintstone eventually broke into the room and grabbed her, screaming “Why did you do this to me Wilma?  I love you.  Please come home with me.”  When rebuffed he emptied the final rounds into her.

When police had sorted it out two were dead and a third was clinging to life.  But perhaps most tragic of all is the sad, solitary, cautionary figure of Fred Flintstone who, minus belt and shoelaces, remains under a 24 hour suicide watch in his jail cell.  Sources say that Flintstone will not eat and only mumbles “Wilma…..Wilma…..yabba dabba doo……Wilma I love you.”

(To be continued)

The tiny community of Bedrock was shocked today by the news that Fred Flintstone of Slate Rock and Gravel Company and his wife, the former Wilma Slaghoople have filed concurrent motions for divorce. Sources close to the couple say that there had been tension in the marriage for awhile now.

“Fred was a regular Joe, just a beer drinking blue collar guy who worked at the gravel company and  liked to bowl and play golf”  according to next door neighbor and good friend Barney Rubble.

But Fred had a dark side.  He had a serious gambling addiction and the mention of the word “bet” would cause him to disappear for days while he gambled away his paycheck. During one sad binge Fred brought his young daughter Pebbles to a poker game and tried to use her to buy more chips.  Flintstone was also ousted from his lodge, The Loyal Order of Water Buffalos after stealing funds to finance a trip to Las Vegas.

“That was a sad day” according to Rubble.  “I brought Fred into the lodge.  He was my blood brother.  I had to give the deciding vote to oust him.  I just wish I could have helped him.”

Flintstone also had issues with intimacy and had become unable to satisfy his wife.

“Wilma needed cuddling and emotional support” says Betty Rubble, wife of Barney.   “Fred wasn’t good at talking about his feelings with her. She also was tired of Fred’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Wilma eventually started to refuse sex.  Flintstone would then take out his frustrations with prostitutes in Bedrock’s red light district.

“Yeah, Freddie was well-known around here” said one prostitute who goes by the name of Ginger.  “He would take us to motels and scream ‘I’ll show you some bedrock’ during sex.  He could get quite rough at times.  Some of the girls didn’t like that but me, hey, a trick’s a trick.”

Things apparently came to a head when he came home from work one day to discover his wife and Betty Rubble in bed together. Both were naked and listening to Melissa Etheridge CDs. Flintstone then chased them out of the house before taking an axe and destroying most of the furniture.  Police were called and tasered him before arresting him. Wilma then got a restraining order and Fred moved into a motel downtown.  Attempts at reconciliation were unsuccessful.  Wilma sued for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty while Fred counter sued, citing abandonment.

“It’s a real tragedy.  I wish they could have worked it out for the sake of their daughter” stated Rubble.  “Relationships are hard work and I guess they just weren’t meant to be together.”