Manhattan Infidel

December, 1620.  Plymouth Colony

The protest movement known as “Occupy Plymouth Rock” that has the whole world watching entered its second week.

“We’re here for the long run” said Occupation military leader Miles Standish. “This is what democracy looks like.”

The occupiers, or “pilgrims” as they prefer to be known have landed at Plymouth Rock to protest income inequality in England.  Said Standish:

There’s nothing merry about ye olde merry England at All.  One percent of the populations holds all the wealth.  The other 99% like us live in poverty and filth.  Granted, not as much poverty and filth as the Irish but pretty darn close.  That’s why we came here to Plymouth Rock.  We have all the supplies we need to sustain ourselves like sleeping tents and guns.  Yeah, we ain’t leaving.  Just let the man try and force us out!

A spokesman for the native American community told reporters that “while the English are free to exercise their rights we cannot allow them to stay for very long.  Their personal hygiene is atrocious. Don’t stand downwind of an Englishman that’s all I have to say.”

Already local natives have complained to their local confederations of the filth, disease and drug abuse that the English are bringing to Plymouth Rock.

Many native Americans are afraid to go near the English.

“They brought drugs with them and every night I see them drinking from their bottles” said a concerned local.  “I can’t even go out and hunt and gather anymore without one of them accosting me and calling me a fat cat.”

Businesses in the area are complaining that since the English arrived their profits have decreased dramatically.

“It’s noisy.  Filthy.  They keep coming up here to use our bathrooms. My customers have started going elsewhere.  Filthy smelly Englishmen!”

Plans are afoot to drive the English back to their ship.  Local native American police forces have gathered around the colony.  Said one, “A nighttime raid is a possibility.  We have to clean up Plymouth Rock.”

No matter what the outcome Miles Standish hopes that “someday, somewhere in the future the Pilgrims will be remembered and I will be mentioned in an R.E.M. song.”

The cold arctic has a new vacation spot.  Superman, famed superhero with mighty powers and rumored reporter for the Daily Planet, has turned his fortress of solitude into a bed and breakfast.

“I am happy and excited about this” Superman told reporters.

I don’t know much about running a business frankly.  Most of my experience has been bending steel, crushing bad guys and escaping from the phantom zone.  But I needed a new challenge.  And I figured why not turn my fortress of solitude into an ice hotel?  They say crime doesn’t pay?  Well neither does crime fighting.  So this will help pay off some of my debts.

Still Superman had many regulatory hurdles to overcome.

Who would have thought the North Pole had so many regulations.  What difference does it make what sort of light bulbs I use?  And don’t get me started on the whole providing health care thing.  I’ll take the fine.  That’s still cheaper than giving health benefits to my employees.  Let the government take care of them.

But once Superman cleared all the regulations he still had to find employees to staff his Fortress of Solitude.

No one wants to come up to the North Pole.  Go figure.  It is kind of out of the way. Even the Norwegians wouldn’t come here.  Christ their entire country is arctic.  So I hired a bunch of Mexicans. One hand washes the other.  I’m paying them ten dollars an hour but it’s steady work so they’re happy.  And I bought some fake citizenship papers for all of them. The government need not know.

Another problem Superman encountered was Lex Luthor.

The bald-headed freak was a real pain in the ass.  It’s bad enough he’s banging Lana Lang.  He tried to stop me from opening this and when he couldn’t do that he tried to get a piece of the action.  But I’m not splitting the money with anyone.  I may be from another planet but that doesn’t mean I’m a socialist.

Finally after months of preparation it was time for opening.  Superman, in his trademark cape, stood by the entrance greeting the guests.

Hi I’m Superman.  Yes I normally dress like this.  Look just because I’m wearing a cape doesn’t mean this is a gay-themed bed and breakfast.   No I don’t want to do the rusty trombone with you.  Look just take your money and get the hell out of here.

Superman looked out at the crowd and pondered his new venture.

The public.  What a bunch of a–holes.  I’m going to hate serving them I know.  But I need the money.  Things should really pick up when my  liquor license comes through.  I’ve already hired a Scotsman to be my bartender.

Rooms in the Fortress of Solitude start at $120 a night not including taxes.  Book now for Spring Break!

Once inseparable the three little pigs now won’t speak to each other, victims of income inequality.

The three pigs upon reaching maturity were sent out into the world by their mother to “seek their fortune.”

The first pig was not very successful.

“I’ve never been very good at business” he admitted in the deposition.  “I’m a dreamer.”

Without good job prospects he took advantage of a sub prime mortgage and built his house out of the cheapest building material he could find:  straw.

His house was modest and he was “Poor but proud.  And I had an iPad.”

All was well until a big bad wolf, or as the pig refers to him, “some Jew banker” came along and with a huff and a puff blew his house down.  “Just because I was behind on the mortgage payments.”

Now homeless his life descended into a hell of drug addiction.  The final blow to his dignity coming when he sold his beloved iPad to feed his crack addiction.

The second pig was a little more successful and was able to build his house out of sticks.

“Not bad for a midlevel manager” he maintained.

Still the housing and credit crisis of 2008 hit him hard.  He lost his job and was unable to make payments on his house of sticks.  Soon a big bad wolf, “from some Jew-owned bank probably” came and blew his house down.

Also reduced to homelessness he took to robbery to pay for his new iPad and give himself food money.

Unlike his two brothers the third little pig was very successful. Obtaining a well-paying job and watching his debt he was able to build his house out of bricks.  When the market collapsed in 2008 he was able to survive, albeit by the hair of his “chinny chin chin.”

Successfully refinancing he is now actually ahead on his payments and looks forward to paying off his mortgage sooner than expected.

Then the trouble began.

Upon hearing of his success his two brothers sued.  They are asking that the third little pig share his wealth and “rightfully redistribute to us what should be ours.”

“It’s only fair” said the little pig who build his house out of straw.  “I mean, why should he have more than we do?  He may be my brother but he represents the 1%. ”

The pig who built his house of out sticks added that “I blame my mother.  She should never have sent us out into the world.  Competition is bourgeois.  We were happy at home.  So it’s her fault too.  And the big bad wolf banker of course.”

The lawyer for the little pig who built his house out of brick has stated that the lawsuit if “frivolous” and looks forward to vindicating his client.

Editor’s note:  The following excerpts are from the Penn State 2011-2012 student handbook.

From the Desk of Rodney A. Erickson, President of Penn State.

Hello students!

Welcome to Penn State.  You have made the correct choice in coming to this college.  Among Penn State’s core values are integrity, commitment to excellence, athletic achievement and not reporting serious crimes to the police.

As a student at Penn State you will be thrust into new situations.  You will meet new people.  You will be put into new positions.

This is totally normal.

And while most of your encounters will be consensual and long-lasting unfortunately this might not always be the case.  If you see a violent crime being committed, for the good of the University, please follow these steps:

1.  Do not report the crime.  What good will come of this?  It would only needlessly embarrass the University in its fund-raising efforts.

2.  Leave the scene immediately.  Do  not attempt to help the victim.  This will only hurt the victim.

3.  Contemplate the crime for 24 hours.   After leaving the scene call your father.  After you call your father spend the next 24 hours in contemplation.  Ask yourself, “How do I feel about this crime? Will reporting it help or hurt the cause of social justice?  Will reporting the crime help stop global warming?”  If the answer is no and reporting the crime will not help prevent man-caused climate change then there is no reason to report it.  You have done your duty to your conscience by contemplating the incident.  Hopefully the incident will just go away.

We here at Penn State are proud to support many noteworthy charities, such as the Second Mile Foundation, started by erstwhile defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. 

You many notice many children going into the showers at the Penn State Athletic facilities.  This is totally normal.  Children love to be around naked adults.  So if you happen to walk into the shower one day and see a 60-year old man pinning a 10-year old boy up against the shower wall do not worry about it.  Most of all, as stated above, DO NOT REPORT THE INCIDENT.

Penn State has many enemies:  Michigan State, Ohio State, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Michigan.

Reporting the crime will only comfort them.

We are……Penn State!

Rodney A. Erickson, President, Penn State.

In my relentless quest to provide my readers with the latest in culture I now give you my review of Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “J. Edgar”, the biography of seminal FBI director J. Edgar Hoover.

Eastwood bravely does not avoid the issue of Hoover’s sexuality but tackles it head on.  In this scene early in the movie Hoover, played by Leonardo DiCaprio informs his mother that he has been appointed Director of the FBI:

Hoover:  Mother!  Mother!  Great news!  I’ve been appointed director of the FBI!

His Mother:  Oh son I’m so proud of you!

Hoover:  Thanks mom. I love you.

Now this scene clearly shows that Hoover is gay since only homosexuals love their mother.

While not ignoring his role in building up the FBI the movie is mainly a story of the relationship between Hoover and his trusted aide Clyde Tolsen.  While not specifically mentioning their physical relationship this scene hints strongly at its sexual nature:

Tolsen:  Director Hoover the Japanese have bombed Pearl Harbor!

Hoover:  Oh my god!  I don’t know what to say.  I’m shocked!

Why was Hoover so distressed by the bombing?  Perhaps he was concerned that America was not ready to fight a World War.  Or maybe he was just gay.

Indeed one can say that J. Edgar is Hollywood’s greatest homosexual love story since the industry explored the manly, hirsute love between Robert Redford and Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969).   No wait.  I’m sorry.  I was thinking of Can’t Stop the Music starring Bruce Jenner, Valerie Perrine and the Village People (1980).  I always get those movies mixed up.

It can be said that this entertaining movie definitively proves once and for all that J. Edgar Hoover was a homosexual.  It is Hollywood’s greatest feat of investigative journalism since they proved that Abe Lincoln was gay in this controversial deleted scene from How the West was Won (1962) involving Lincoln and his first Vice President Hannibal Hamlin.

Lincoln:  Four score and seven years……dammit I’m never going to be able to write this speech.

Hamlin:  Maybe you’re just tense.  Why don’t you relax and take your shirt off.

Lincoln:  Okay (taking off shirt.)

Hamlin: My Abe, your manly and hirsute.

Lincoln:  Well I’ve been working out.

Hamlin:  I wish I could quit you Abe.  Maybe one day we can show our love in public.

Lincoln:  Maybe. One day.  When the intolerant Republicans are not in control of Capitol Hill.

Hamlin:  But we are Republicans.

Lincoln:  That’s right.  I forget sometimes. Oh yeah.  I like that.  A little to the left please.

I was lucky enough to snag an exclusive interview with director Eastwood via the miracle of web cam technology:

MI:  Mr. Eastwood it’s great to have the opportunity to speak with you.

Eastwood:  How you get my webcam ID?

MI:  I’ve spent a lot of time in prison.

Eastwood:  Okay I guess that makes - what?  What the hell does that mean.

MI:  I’d like to talk to you about J. Edgar.

Eastwood:  Sure.  But first can you take your shirt off?

MI:  Okay (taking shirt off.)

Eastwood:  You’re very manly and hirsute.

MI:  Well, I’ve been working out.

And so readers I highly recommend this entertaining and informative movie.  Go see it the first chance you can.  Only a homosexual would avoid watching it.  And that’s a fact.

Dateline:  Huddled in a subway tunnel in New York City.

In the week since the shocking announcement that Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from Kris Humphries after 72 days society, as we know it, has broken down.

As I lay huddled in this subway with other brave New Yorkers I can feel the bombs dropping overhead.  I pray for those caught in the rain of death from the air.

Since the outbreak of hostilities 300 million  have died around the globe.  Europe is one giant radioactive cloud.  The last contact from Europe was a Twitter message from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi:  “Doom!  Doom!  Where is my Cialis?”

The rise of the Kardashian-bots started on the west coast when fembots, shooting laser beams from their titanium-encased nipples took over California after a brief struggle.

The last poignant message from that doomed state came from Charlie Sheen:  “Fembots!  Fembots!  Oh, cool.  Hi ladies.”

The chaos soon spread eastward.  NASA’s headquarters in Houston was destroyed by the fembots.  Satellites soon fell to the Earth, killing millions and offending Muslims who counted on NASA to boost their self-esteem.

Then  Philadelphia fell as the fembots poisoned the local cheesesteak supply.

Traveling up New Jersey to New York City there was a brief moment of optimism that the fembot attack could be stopped when the deadly fembot caravan got caught in a multicar pileup on the New Jersey Turnpike.  But the fembots soon recovered and entered New York City.

At first the city welcomed them.  Mayor Bloomberg asked the fembots if they would like to march in the Village Halloween Parade and warned them not to smoke in public.

But soon the fembots turned on New York City, taking over the TV stations.  This message was sent out on all channels:

Attention world leaders.  We are the fembots.  Your world order, as you knew it, is now over.   And can anyone tell me where we can find some parking spaces in Manhattan?  So, to recap:  World order is over.  Where are the parking spaces.  Thank you.

And then the fembot air force started bombing us.  As I lie in this subway tunnel I ask myself:  How could we have been so naive?  How did we not know that the Kardashian divorce announcement was the signal for the rise of the fembots?  How did we not know that Kardashian herself was a fembot?

We owe it to the survivors of this holocaust, we owe it to our children to never let this happen again.

If anyone on the outside is reading this know that you are now the resistance.

Good luck.

The fembots have entered the subway tunnel!

Signing out (for the last time)

Manhattan Infidel

In any business adapt or die is the motto.  Businesses must change their services, indeed, even their very reason for being if they are to stay in business.  The fast food industry is no different.  Recently I visited a McDonalds and had a chance to witness first hand the excitement of hope and change.

Greeting me at the entrance to the restaurant was Ronald McDonald himself, who was wearing a button that said “Eat green kids.  It’s healthy!”

MI:  Hello Ronald.  It’s nice to meet you.

RM:  Hello!  Look at my button.  It’s time to eat green!

MI:  Let’s talk about that.  I notice your menu has a lot of new green items on it.  Arugula Quarter pounder. Arugula Big Mac. Belgian Endive McNuggets.

RM:  Green is good!  Green is healthy!  And the kids love it!

MI:   Really? I remind you I am a blogger so you are obligated to tell the truth.

RM:  Alright. You got me.  [Whispering]  Truth is the kids hate the crap.  So do I.  But if I didn’t greenify my menu the Feds were going to shut me down.  Crimes against children.  A cholesterol bandit they called me.  Me?  Ronald McDonald.  I love kids. Remember the good old days when a parent could take his kid to a McDonalds without the government interfering?  It was a treat.  No one got hurt.

MI:  How is the new green menu selling?

RM:  Not good.  No one, apparently, likes Belgian Endive McNuggets. [Shouting]  Like I could have told the government that!

MI:  Please.  Don’t raise your voice.

RM:  I’m sorry. But I’m losing my livelihood. Watch this.  Hey kid, do you want an Arugula Big Mac?

Kid:  Ewww.  Arugula tastes like sick stuff like when my little brother threw up on me.

RM:  You see!  You see!  It’s just that I don’t understand the world anymore. It’s bad enough that I have naked men walking into McDonald’s in San Francisco.  Do you know how awkward it is to tell a six-year old that the naked man’s pee-pee isn’t an Belgian Endive McNugget? When did I become a biology teacher?  Why do I have to tell kids about penises?

MI:  Wow.  I never knew this was going to be so tough on you.  Have you talked to your competitors? How are they faring?  How’s Burger King doing?

RM:  Burger King?  He’s got problems of his own.  Civil war you know  Been deposed.  Last I saw he was hanging out at a Wendy’s looking for asylum.

MI:  Jesus.

RM:  I know.  Hey, what time is it?

MI:  It’s a little after 11 AM.

RM:  Good.  The bars are open.  Let’s grab a few pints.

MI:  Sounds like a good idea.  Maybe a burger too?

RM:  As long as it’s not green. [laughter]

And so ended my visit to a McDonalds.   Readers. next time you visit a McDonalds try the green stuff.  Let’s keep him in business. And if you happen to see the Burger King let him know that what happened to Kaddafi will happen to him as well.

King Burger, divine right ruler of the land of BurgerKingdomia has entered into negotiations with rebels seeking to end the monarchy and establish a BurgerKingdomia republic.

The brutal guerrilla war that has raged in the kingdom the past three years has taken thousands of lives. The Burger King’s own hand-picked forces, dubbed “The Black and Tan Whoppers”   because of the color of their uniforms are notoriously unpopular in the kingdom because of their role in torturing captured enemy combatants from the Burger King Republican Brotherhood.

“They’ve yanked our fingernails off.  They’ve placed electrodes on our genitals.  They’ve served us burgers without the pickle.  Where’s the humanity” said one rebel fighter.

The two sides have fought to a standstill making negotiations necessary for a permanent solution to the problem of the future political makeup of the Kingdom of Burgerland.

Negotiations so far have stalled because of the Burger King Republican Brotherhood’s demand that King Burger resign and that the country become a republic, something the king has vowed will happen “only over my dead body.”

King Burger’s counter proposal would create the “Burger Free State” where he would continue to reign albeit as a constitutional monarch.  The rebels would set up their own government but would have to pledge an oath of loyalty to the king.

Many observers of the war believe that the King’s demands are a wily move of a master political operative.

“They don’t call  the Burger King a whopper for nothing” said an analyst.

The Burger King knows (or hopes) that his offer will split the rebels into two factions:  the realists who will accept the Burger Free State and the die hards who want an independent republic.   Already the provisional assembly of the rebels has voted 62-57 to accept the Burger King’s offer.  The die hards, who have dubbed themselves the Burger King Republican Army walked out of the parliament after the vote.  Indeed, a split now seems inevitable, allowing the Burger King to take advantage and rebuild his strength.

However despite the seeming split in the rebel forces many insist that it is only temporary and the rebels will once again regroup and drive the Burger King from the land.

“We’ve come so far and accomplished so much to let this come between us” said a rebel commander.

If the rebels rally and drive him from his throne the Burger King says he is prepared.  Sitting in his office and eating a double BK stacker King Burger said, “If I lose the throne I can always do Dancing With the Stars.”

No word on what would happen to the King’s secret police if that happens.

The Environmental Protection announced today that it is suing legendary lumberjack Paul Bunyan for “crimes against Earth.”

In making the announcement EPA administrator Lisa Jackson told reporters that

Bunyan has a long history of destruction against sacred mother Earth.  The once pristine western wilderness has been cleared by this lumberjack.  What was once beautiful untouched country is now home to people!  Filthy degrading humans who act as an invasive species.  And that will not be tolerated in the EPA’s America!

She then went on to list Bunyan’s crimes against the Earth:

• Millions of acres of wilderness cleared through the rape of the Earth commonly known as “deforestation.“
• Destruction of natural ecosystems.

Jackson then went on to detail two of Bunyan’s most egregious examples of “Earth rape.”

1.  He (without permits or an environmental impact study) carved out the Grand Canyon by dragging his axe behind him.
2.  He created  Mt.  Hood by piling rocks on top of his campfire.

• Drug abuse

Because of his size (eight feet tall and 300 pounds) Mr. Bunyan has been under investigation for alleged steroid and/or HGH use.

• Cruelty to animals

Mr. Bunyan’s animal companion is a blue ox.  “Whoever heard of a blue ox?” demanded Ms. Jackson.  Also, Mr. Bunyan is suspected of injecting Babe the Blue Ox with steroids.  Mr. Bunyan also is charged with creating the Great Lakes because he needed a watering hole large enough for his ox to drink from.  (Curiously Mr. Bunyan does not deny this charge.)

If the EPA’s lawsuit is successful Mr. Bunyan will most probably lose his lumberjack license.  He will also have to fix his environmental damage by filling in the Grand Canyon, removing Mt. Hood and draining the Great Lakes.

Mr. Bunyan, through his lawyer, denies any intent to rape Mother Earth.

“My client is a hardworking lumberjack just trying to make a living” said his attorney.

When asked what he would do if he couldn’t be a lumberjack Bunyan said, “I don’t know.  Ray Lewis said I’d make a good defensive lineman so maybe football.”

Ms. Jackson of the EPA states that bringing down Bunyan is just the first step.

“We must end the practice of logging and deforestation in America.  I don’t care how many people it puts out of work!”

Recently I had the chance to sit down with one of my favorite actors:  the bad ass himself Samuel L. Jackson.  Of all the interviews  I’ve done this was the one I was most excited about.  Unfortunately the experience didn’t turn out quite as I wanted.

MI:  Mr. Jackson I thank you for meeting with me.  I’ve been following your career for years.

SLJ:  Say what motherfucker?

MI:  Um.  I’ve been following you - 

SLJ:  Following me?  What for? To lynch me motherfucker?

MI:  Okay, onto the first question.  You were recently quoted as saying - 

SLJ:  Look, all brothers don’t know how to shoot guns you racist motherfucker!

MI:  What?  Okay let’s backtrack.  What do -

SLJ:  We’re going to help ourselves.  And who do we not want to help us?  White people!

MI:  You’re just quoting lines from Die Hard with a Vengeance. 

SLJ:  Oh now that’s low.  Even for a white motherfucker like you.

MI:  If you don’t mind can you watch your language.

SLJ:  You don’t understand you cracker motherfucker.  I have to say motherfucker.  I have a copyright on the word.  Every time I say motherfucker I get paid.  You understand motherfucker?

MI:  Moving along.  Let’s talk about your daughter.  She is a producer for a sports channel - 

SLJ:  The motherfucker!

MI:  Right. Okay.  Let’s get back to the original question I was going to ask  you.  You recently said that it’s pretty obvious that the tea party is racist.

SLJ:  That’s right motherfucker.  You  know what else is racist?

MI: No. What?

SLJ:  Vowels.  Vowels are racist motherfucker.

MI:  But you’re using vowels now talking to me.

SLJ:  That’s because I hate myself motherfucker.

MI:  I’m going to go now.

SLJ:  Hey, hey, hey, hey.  I ain’t your partner.  I ain’t your neighbor, your brother or your friend. I’m your total stranger.

MI:  It was a pleasure meeting you.

SLJ:  Pay  me motherfucker!

MI:  What?

SLJ:  I said pay me.  Do you know how many times I’ve said motherfucker in this interview?  You owe me $10,000.  Motherfucker.  $15,000.

And here the interview ended.  I distracted Mr. Jackson by asking him a riddle about going to St. Ives and meeting a man with seven wives.   As he was trying to solve the riddle I ran away.

If any of my readers should happen to see Mr. Jackson please pay him.  The motherfucker scares me.