Manhattan Infidel

“We lost to the Dodgers in ‘55.  I blame myself.  I was up all night before game seven with some Swedish girls, Liberace and a suction machine and it affected my performance on the field.  But hey, at least I didn’t end up with syphilis like Mickey.” ~ Yogi Berra

And so once again the Yankees have shocked the civilized world by losing in the first round of the playoffs.  As I check my inbox I find many words of encouragement and concern.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad writes, “Manhattan Infidel so sorry about the Yankees.  They lost because they just can’t move runners over.  And because AROD is a Jew.”

Vice President Joe Biden writes, “The Yankees will definitely lose to the Republicans.  Just like my daddy, Mr. Obama will.”

And Olivia Wilde writes, “I don’t get it.  How many times do I have to kick you in the groin before you leave me alone?”

A love like ours will never die Olivia.

But anyway.  Onto the Five Stages of Yankee Grief.

• Stage One:  Denial.

In Stage One your grief over the Yankee season ending is still a fresh, raw wound.  You feel helpless and violated, like the last time you were tasered by the NYPD for exercising your constitutional right to public nudity.  In a high school.  In the girl’s locker room.  While wearing a ski mask. While doing your best Richard Simmons impression. You will find yourself saying “It’s okay.  Nothing happened.  When I wake up tomorrow the Yankees will be champions.  And I will find my other testicle.“

•  Stage Two:  Anger.  And hookers.

In Stage Two your initial denial has given way to a deadly rage. Children avoid you in the street.  Suicide bombers defer to you. Michael Bloomberg lets you smoke in public and eat sugary foods. Unable to contain your  rage you head to your local bar (Fitzgerald’s Pub) and do what all manly men do in a situation like this.  You put Journey on the jukebox and cry.  You attempt to pick up a hooker but she only takes cash which you need for the jukebox.

• Stage Three: Bargaining.  And hookers.  Especially bargaining for hookers.

Stage Three involves hope.  The hope that by Spring the Yankees will have found some players under 40 to play third base and shortstop.  You will find yourself saying “Oh please Lord.  If only Brian Cashman can go to the winter meetings and come away with some younger players I promise I will never never never never never ever again advertise my all-nude webcam on a Christian singles dating site.“  And then you will head down to the local bar, put Journey on the jukebox and weep.  Stage three also involves bargaining with hookers over their price.  Unsuccessful in attempting to lower their rates you will end your night vomiting all over a policeman’s motorcycle.  Said policeman will beat you senseless while, ironically, singing Journey tunes.

• Stage Four:  Depression.  And hookers.  Depressed hookers.

During the fourth stage a Yankee fan may become silent, refuse visitors and spend most of his spare time in a clock tower with a high-powered rifle.  Before storming the clock tower a SWAT team negotiator will ask you what your demands are.  You will reply, “I’m depressed.  Hookers!“  However they will misunderstand you and give you depressed hookers.  Depressed German hookers.  Depressed German hookers who will sing Journey tunes.

• Stage Five:  Acceptance.

In the final stage of grief one comes to terms with the tragedy of the Yankees not winning the World Series.  A sense of otherworldly calm comes over you as you accept the Yankees for what they are. You accept the fact that Steve Perry is no longer in Journey. You accept the fact that you will never find your other testicle, presumably lost in a common household accident involving a blender and plastic explosives.  But most of all you accept the fact that the hooker at the end of the bar doesn’t take Master Card.  You will end your night putting Journey on the jukebox while asking the bartender to give you a “strong and manly shot.  As long as it’s pink and sweet and not too strong.“  He will throw you out of the bar.  A Pakistani cab driver with a blender and plastic explosives will drive you home.

And that, readers, are the five stages of Yankee grief.  May they do better next year!

“I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby

What’s more fun than a baseball game played in the cold, wind and rain?  Why an extra inning game played in cold, wind and rain.

Welcome to New York City. Twice as rainy as Seattle but with half the anarchists.

The day after the Yankees suffered through a four-hour rain delay to beat Baltimore they again took the field in rain for the final game of their three-game series.  The Yankees started A.J. “Head case. Pathetic.  Mediocre pitcher.  Can’t unload him because of his f##$* contract” Burnett (9-11 5.27) while Baltimore started Zach Britton (9-9 4.22 ERA.)

Since yesterday’s game ended around 2 AM the Yankees had their “D” team on the field.  Of the regular starters only Alex Rodriguez and Russell Martin (who did not play in last night’s game) and Nick Swisher were in the starting lineup.  The rest consisted of Brandon “who?” Laird at first, Ramiro Pena at second, Eduardo “Me see ball, me drop ball” at shortstop,  Andrew “never done steroids” Jones in left field and Greg “should choose another career” Golsen in center field.  Our DH was Jesus Montero.

I know it’s our “D” team but not to worry.  We can still beat the worst team in baseball can’t we?  (See:  A.J. Burnett as starting pitcher.)

Baltimore scored first in the top of the first when Nick Markakis grounded out to second allowing Matt Angle to score.  The Yankees took the lead briefly in the bottom of the first when Alex Rodriguez doubled home Russell Martin and Nick Swisher. 2-1 Yankees after one.

In the top of the second Kyle Hudson was safe on Brandon Laird’s fielding error.  This allowed Nolan Reimold to score.  Tie score after two.

In the top of the third Nolan Reimold hit a two-run home run to deep left. 4-2 Orioles after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Jesus “is my hero” Montero singled to deep right center scoring Rodriguez and Jones.  Tie score after four.

And that’s how the score stayed until the top of the 11th when Eduardo “whoops” Nunez botched a sure out.  This would come back to bite the Yankees as that runner (Matt Angle) later scored what would be the winning run on a Mark Reynolds single.

Final score:  Orioles 5 Yankees 4.  Pedro Strop (1-1 2.77) got the win for Baltimore while Hector “Please don’t attach my dead body to the back of your chariot and drag it around the walls of Troy for everyone to see” Noesi (2-1 3.42) was the losing pitcher for the Yankees.

And so ends my regular season at Yankee Stadium.  I finish with an 11-3 record.  Not bad and certainly better than last year’s 12-8 record.

Notes on the game:

Since the Yankees will be on the road during the 10th anniversary of 9/11 they used today’s game to honor those who fell that day.  The day started with a message from Michelle Obama.  I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Could be the cheeseburger she had in her mouth. Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry, who was awarded the Medal of Honor on July 12th threw out the first pitch.  The Yankees also honored long-time employee Hank Grazioso who lost both of his sons (who worked for Cantor Fitzgerald) that day.  Donald Rumsfeld was also honored before the game, which, given this is New York was either an act of foolhardiness or courage depending on your point of view.

What to do with A.J. Burnett:

Burnett, by all admission is not one of Brian Cashman’s better moves.  His contract is a millstone which means we probably won’t be able to unload him on anyone. Other than releasing him and eating the rest of the contract money I have a humble suggestion:  The surviving members of the Grateful Dead occasionally tour as “The Dead.”  Now a keyboardist for the Grateful Dead has the life expectancy of a fruit fly (see Pig Pen, Keith Godchaux and Brent Mydland).  If we can somehow convince A.J. to take up the piano and tour with them he will be dead by the start of the 2012 season.  Problem solved.  Or we can have him host the Oscars.  No one watches that snoozefest and he’ll never be seen again.  Or we can drop him in East L.A. wearing gang colors.  Or we can attach heavy weights to his ankles, thereby slowing down his gait and tell him to cross Queens Boulevard (known in New York as the Boulevard of Death) during rush hour.  Or we can send him up into the International Space Station but forget to give him oxygen.  Or we cover him in sugar, tell Jonathan Frakes  that he is a donut and watch Frakes eat him. If anyone else has any ideas as to how else we can “disappear” A.J. Burnett send any and all suggestions to me.  As always, all ideas will be kept strictly confidential.  Unless the police start asking me questions, in which case I’ll have to throw you under a bus.

Reader mail:

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “It is my birthday.  Kneel before me and you shall live.”

Um.  There must be something in the water in Brooklyn.  Must be.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Can you help a fellow American down on his luck?”

Sorry pal.  I ain’t no damn socialist.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Beauty adds to goodness a relation to the cognitive faculty:  So that “good” means that which simply pleases the appetite; while the “beautiful” is something pleasant to apprehend.

You better not be talking about Olivia Wilde.  She’s mine!

Mike Bloomberg, mayor of New York City writes, “I am a total asshat.  A dickweed. Walking scum. I should be put down.”

Relax Mike. We already know.

As I write this the Blue Jays have come back to defeat the Bahstahn Red Sawks 11-10.  So despite today’s loss the Yankees still hold a 2 1/2 game lead over the abomination of desolation in the A.L. East.

See you in the playoffs!

Go Yankees!

“With those who don’t give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize.  I do not resent them.  I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace.  But while the game is on I can’t think of anything to say to them.” ~ Art Hill

On Saturday afternoon the Yankees took on the Toronto “Eh?” Blue Jays in the second of their three game set at the stadium.  The Yankees started Bartolo “Genetically repaired arm that may or may not be from steroids” Colon (8-9 3.72) while Toronto started Ricky Ricardo Lucy I’m home Romero (13-10 2.97).

Toronto scored (I refuse to use the currently fashionable word of “plated“) first when Adam Lind his a solo shot in the top of the second to deep right field. J.P Arencibia followed that inning with a sacrifice fly that scored Edwin Encarnacion.  2-0 Blue Jays after 1 1/2 inning.

That reminds me.  Bottom of the ninth.  Tie score.  Bases loaded one out.  Jesus is at the plate.  Does he swing away?  Or does he sacrifice?  I’m just asking because I’ve been wondering about that and my medication hasn’t arrived yet.

The Yankees countered in the bottom of the second when Eduardo Nunez (playing shortstop in place of the resting Derek Jeter) singled home Andruw Jones.  Yankee catcher Francisco “I’m from Venezuela and I can tell you socialism sucks” Cervelli hit a two-run home run to left field.  3-2 Yankees after two.

The Blue Jays came back in the top of the third.  Dewayne Wise led off with a triple and scored one batter later when Jose “So not on HGH” Bautista singled him home.  3-3 after three innings.

In the top of the fifth Dewayne Wise homered to right center field.  4-3 Toronto after five.

In the top of the seventh after getting centerfielder Mike McCoy to ground out Colon was lifted in favor of Boone Logan who then got Yunel Escobar to fly out to left field and Dewayne Wise to strike out.

In the bottom of the seventh the Yankees came back with three runs.  After Curtis Granderson was hit by a pitch and Alex Rodriguez walked, Robinson Cano doubled them both home.  Nick Swisher (playing first in place of the injured Teixeira) then singled home Cano.  6-4 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.  David Robertson pitched a scoreless eighth and ninth getting his first save of the year while the win went to Boone Logan (5-2 2.72).  Top Yankee prospect Jesus Montero also had his first major league hit in today’s game.

Notes on the game:

It was SMA day at the stadium (Spinal Muscular Dystrophy).  Before the game several sufferers of the disease and their family were introduced at home plate.  The Yankees also presented a check to the SMA association.  A worthy cause.

Unfortunately there was some confusion. Several thought it was S&M day at the stadium.  Leather and whips were in abundance. Fortunately, since we are talking about pro athletes many players on both teams took advantage of the leather and whips.  Mark Teixeira could be heard screaming from the dugout, “Yes, I’ve been such a bad boy!  I need discipline.”

A girl’s softball team from Westchester county was also honored before the game. They went to the world softball finals and, while not winning, were still honored because the girls are just as good as the boys  (well, not literally.  If they played boys no doubt they’d be beaten mercilessly. But let’s just go with the illusion shall we?)

In keeping with the pedophile theme of most team’s theme songs (the Mets have “Sweet Caroline“) the Yankees play the Beatles song “I saw here standing there.”   She was just 17/you know what I mean/and the way she looked was way beyong compare.

Seventeen year old girls?  Isn’t that a bit old for a professional baseball player?

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Why does it hurt when I pee?/My balls feel like a pair of maracas/oh my god I’ve got the gonoca-ca-cacas!”  didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps they just don’t appreciate Frank Zappa like I do.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Why does it hurt when I pee?”

It might be the gono-ca-ca-cacas.  Perhaps you got it from one of the hookers in your crawlspace.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Why does it hurt when I pee?”

You live in Philadelphia. You deserve it.

T.S. of Queens but formerly of Philadelphia writes, “The Phillies will win the world championship this year!”

What does this have to do with it hurting when you pee?

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I am going to burn your apartment building down!”

Wow.  You sound like you’re in a bad mood.  Does it hurt when you pee?

S.J. of Manhattan writes, “I learned a new word.”

Pain while urinating?  (Well, technically that’s three words.)

And so this year my record stands at 11-2.  My next game is Wednesday September 7th against the Baltimore Orioles.

As I write this (Sunday evening) the Yankees have swept Toronto and Texas has beaten Bahstahn giving the Yanks a 1.5 game lead over the abomination of desolation.

Go Yankees!

“Son, we’d like to keep you around this season but we’re trying to win a pennant” ~ Casey Stengel to a Yankee rookie

On the evening following a 5.8 magnitude earthquake that shook New York City for 15 seconds the Yankees took on the Oakland “Kinda like San Francisco without the Grateful Dead” Athletics.

The Yankees started Bartolo “baseball been very very good to me” Colon (8-8 3.71 ERA) while Oakland started Brandon McCarthy  (7-6 3.72).

Oakland jumped ahead in the top of the second on a solo home run by the antichrist, Brandon Allen. 1-0 Oakland after two.

In the top of the third Eric Sogard (the other antichrist) hit his first career home run. 2-0 Oakland after three.

In the sixth inning Coco Crisp scored on Josh Willingham’s sacrifice fly.  3-0 Oakland after six.

In the top of the seventh Colon finally ran out of gas and was taken out of the game by Joe Girardi.  Colon proceeded to walk to the dugout, stopping only to consume first base coach Mick Kelleher.  (Hey, Colon needs his nourishment.)  Girardi brought in Boone Logan who proceeded to give up a double to pinch hitter Scott Sizemore.  5-0 Oakland after seven.

In the top of the eighth the evil, diabolical Brandon Allen hit his second home run of the night.  Who is Brandon Allen you say?  Good question.  He has only played in nine games this year but decides to hit two home runs against the Yankees.  So remember this face people.   He is evil.  Granted not as evil as Alex Trebek but evil nonetheless.

In the bottom of the eighth the Yankees made it interesting as Nick Swisher hit a three run home run scoring Jeter and Granderson.  6-3 Oakland after eight.

In the ninth the Yankees rallied, scoring two runs on a Jorge Poada home run and a walk to Robinson Cano that scored Russell Martin.  However the rally came up short.  Nick Swisher flied out for the last out.  Final Score:  Oakland 6 Yankees 5.

Now as  mentioned before New York had an earthquake today.  I know many of you might have been worried and said to yourself, “Gee, I hope Manhattan Infidel is okay and the quake didn’t knock about any of the bodies in the crawlspace.” When the quake struck I was actually on the throne when the wall and toilet started rocking back and forth.  I said “I know I had General Tso’s chicken for dinner last night but this is ridiculous.”

Notes on the game:

The Yankee players shared their experience of the earthquake with reporters:

Derek Jeter said “I felt the bedroom rocking.  But then again my bedroom is always rocking if you know what I mean.”

Nick Swisher said “What up bleacher creatures.  If the bedroom is a rocking don’t come a knocking!”

Bartolo Colon said “I eat a lot because I’m lonely.”

Jorge Posada said “Plate tectonics makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!”

Celebrity sighting:  Tracy Morgan was at the game.  Unfortunately Tracy thought he was at a Los Angeles Lakers game and kept asking “Which one of the white boys is Kobe?”

Yankees Magazine for the month of August highlights the women of the Yankees.  It was a refreshing look at all the women who work in the front office.  None of them were hot though so I didn’t read the article.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Who has the best record in baseball?  Oh that’s right.  The soon to be world champion Phillies!”

D.B.  - One word from me and NATO begins a bombing campaign on your strongholds.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Sometimes at work when I’m really bored I like to blow my nose on a user’s computer.”

Sensible.  I see nothing wrong with this.  All computer technicians do.

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “You’re going in my crawlspace bitch!”

People I haven’t seen such hostility since I last visited my parole officer.

After a strong 10-0 start I have lost my last two games.  My record now stands at 10-2.  Still good but not as good at 12-0.  With tonight’s loss and the Red Sawks victory we are tied for first  place in the AL East with the abomination of desolation.

My next game is Saturday September 3rd against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

“Honestly at one time I thought Babe Ruth was a cartoon character.  I mean I wasn’t born until 1961 and I grew up in Indiana” ~ Don MattinglyTonight the Yankees opened up a three-game series against the Los Angeles but not of Los Angeles really of Anaheim but when we say Anaheim people say”whaaaa?” Angels.

The Yankee started A.J. “Headcase couldn’t pitch his way out of a little league game” Burnett (8-9 4.60 ERA) while Los Angeles (cough cough) countered with Dan Haren (12-6 2.81).

The Yankees got on the board in the bottom of the first when Curtis Granderson homered to deep right. 1-0 Yankees after one

And that’s how it stayed unit the top of the sixth when A.J.  “Yeah my wife’s hot and I have tattoos.  What more do Yankee fans want? Victory?” Burnett suffered his obligatory meltdown on the mound.  Former Yankee Bobby Abreu hit a solo home run to right tying the score.  Catcher Jeff Mathis hit a ground rule double over the center field wall that scored Mark Trumbo (which would make an excellent porn name if you ask me) and Maicer Izturis.  Headcase Burnett then completed his meltdown by uncorking a wild pitch allowing Peter Bourjos to score.  Mercifully Burnett was able to get out of the inning.  When he walked the walk of shame back to the dugout the boos were so deafening I thought Carl Pavano was back in town.  (Though to be fair to Pavano he at least has two seasons with winning records the last three years.)  4-1 Angels after six.

But not to fear Yankee fans!  With Burnett safely ensconced in the Yankee locker room the Yankees rallied for three runs in the bottom of the seventh.  Eduardo Nunez singled home Russell Martin and Derek “I have Minka Kelly. Suck it America” Jeter singled home Nunez and Brett Gardner.  4-4 after seven.

David Robertson pitched his usual brilliant 1-2-3 eighth inning leaving the ninth for Mariano Rivera (who had blown a save against Boston Sunday night.) Unfortunately Mariano’s years are catching up to him. He allowed a two-run home run to Bobby Abreu (his second of the game) to allow the Angels to go ahead 6-4.  In the bottom of the ninth the Yankees tried to rally.  With runners on the corner, two out and Mark “Yes, I have no soul.  Sold it to Satan” Teixeira at the plate Angels reliever Jordan Walden faked a throw to third.  Granderson took off from first and was promptly tagged out in a rundown.

Final score:  Angels 6 Yankees 4.  Scott Downs (6-2 1.45 ERA) got the win for the Angels while Mariano Rivera (1-2 2.23) got the loss for the Yankees.

Notes on the game: Paul Simon was in attendance.   His hair was not.

My solution to the A.J. Burnett conundrum:  Since Burnett speaks no Greek I say ship him off to Athens and tell the locals that he is a European Union bureaucrat from Germany and he’s here to “take away all your free stuff.”  Burnett will never be seen again allowing the Yankees to go to their strongest five-man rotation:  Sabathia, Hughes, Colon, Garcia and Nova.

Recommended reading material:  Seutonius, “The Twelve Caesars.”

Best heckle of the game:

I tried, but my heckle of “If it wasn’t for blogging I’d be peaking into your daughter’s bedroom window” just, well, drew unappreciative stares.  And here I thought it was my windowless van that had “Free Candy!‘ written on it that would draw the most attention.

Joba Chamberlain weight gain watch:

As everyone knows Joba Chamberlain (pictured here) is out for the season after Tommy John surgery.  While rehabbing at home he ordered four large cheese pizzas, ate them all and, still hungry, ate the delivery boy.  But not to worry.  The delivery boy was a Red Sox fan.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Eagles will win the NFC East.  Phillies will win the World Series.  Philadelphia has recaptured the title of the best city in the U.S. from New York.”

Pay no attention to D.B.  He was once beaten up by a roadie for Neil Young and he’s never been the same.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “What’s all this about windowless vans that say ‘Free Candy’?  I have several.”

Well, he does live in New Jersey.

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes “At work I like to tell people I don’t like that they are Motherf@#@ c#@#ers.  When they complain I tell them it was nothing personal.  It’s the Tourette Syndrome.”

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn also writes “Since you continue to put words in my mouth I have decided that you must die.  But you are a Yankee fan so I will make your death quick and painless…..just kidding.  Your death will make the deaths  in the Final Destination movies look merciful.”

Wow.  This is the Tourette Syndrome right?

And there you have it readers.  Despite tonight’s loss my record this year stands at a still-impressive 10-1.  My next game is Tuesday August 23rd against the Oakland Athletics.

Go Yankees!

“You throw the ball.  You catch the ball.  You hit the ball.  Sometimes you win.  Sometimes you lose.  Sometimes it rains” ~ Bull Durham

So after sitting out a two-hour rain delay the Yankees took the field shortly after 9 PM to face the Seattle “Sorry we brought our hippie raining leftist cappuccino swilling anti-capitalist weather with us” Mariners.

The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (9-7 3.23) while Seattle, losers of 16 in a row started Jason “Sacrificial lamb” Vargas (6-9 4.09 ERA).

It didn’t take long for the Yankees to make Seattle its bitch.  In the bottom of the first Mark “I have no soul” Teixeira hit a two run home run.  2-0 Yankees after one.  And Mark, you realize you have no soul? Satan owns it.  Just look into his vacant eyes and you will see that I am right. All I can say is Mark, keep hitting home runs and I won’t care about your lack of a soul.  I’m just an open minded person.

In the top of the third baseball’s bitches got a run back when Ichiro “washed up” Suzuki hit a sacrifice fly to deep center, scoring Justin Smoak.  The Yankees scored in the bottom of the third when Derek “Also washed up but has Minka Kelly to console him” Jeter hit his fourth home run of the year.  3-1 Yankees after three.

The Yankees broke it open scoring five runs in the bottom of the fourth.  Now how did those runs score?  Unfortunately since it was raining pretty heavily when I arrived at the stadium and I wasn’t sure if the game was going to be played I decided to forgo the ten dollars to buy a program to keep score.  Suffice to say it was 8-1 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the sixth the Yankees tacked on another run when Curtis Granderson hit a sac fly to deep center scoring Brett Gardner.  9-1 Yankees after six.

Baseball’s bitches got a run back in the top of the seven and eighth and the Yankees countered in the bottom of the eight when Derek “I have Minka Kelly so suck it” Jeter tripled home Eduardo Nunez.  Final Score:  Yankees 10 Bitches 3.

In  handing Seattle their 16th straight loss Freddy Garcia pitched 7 2/3 innings allowing eight hits and three runs while walking one and striking out five.  Seattle starter Jason Vargas lasted only four innings giving up seven hits and eight runs while walking one and striking out two and giving up two home runs.

Notes on the game:

This week at Yankees stadium is HOPE week where the Yankees take special cases and treat them to a game and donate to their charity.  Today’s HOPE case was a man who suffered brain damage but was brought out of a coma through music being played in his hospital room.  He and several others with similar injuries sang the national anthem.

It was a beautiful, heartwarming moment.

Yes, they sucked.  Beautiful heartwarming moment or not I was hoping they would get gonged off.  Or that Gene Gene the Dancing machine would come out to take the focus off of them.  For those of you under the age of 40 who have no idea who Gene Gene the Dancing machine is you have missed the pinnacle of western civilization.

With all the Yankees injuries why do they keep winning?  Simple.  God is a Yankee fan.  You shall love the Yankees with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.  Satan took the Red Sawks, the Mets and all teams (except for the Giants) that play west of the Mississippi.

During the two hour rain delay I had a chance to sample Yankee stadium cuisine.  The dumplings were very good.  The chicken tenders were about as tender as Mickey Rourke’s liver.

Today in Yankee history:

July 25th 1961. A badly hungover Mickey Mantle refuses to sign an autograph for a 10-year old, calling him a “goddamn cocksucker.”  The crying kid was then kicked in the groin by Yankee manager Ralph Houk.

Joba Chamberlain weight-gain watch:  As everyone knows, our hefty righty Joba Chamberlain is out for the season with Tommy John surgery.  When asked how his is recuperating Chamberlain announced that his rehab is on schedule.  Then he ate a reporter.

Recommended reading material:  The Collected Poems of Langton Hughes.  Arnold Rampersad, editor.

Reader mail:

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I am considered an intellectual, love books and am interested in writing for your blog.  Would you like a photo of me dressed in my French maid outfit?”

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “What the hell did I tell you about putting words in my mouth?  I’ve warned you before but you don’t listen.  That’s right. Hear that?  It’s the sound of your front door being broken off its hinges.  Hide in the bathroom. Are you going to escape through that tiny bathroom window?  I don’t think so. I have guns. I have crossbows.  I have a knife between my teeth.  See that tank parked in the street?  That’s mine.  You are so going down!”

If any of my readers would like to call 911 I would much appreciate it.  Please.  Thank you.

So this year my record stands at an amazing 10-0 at Yankee games.  I would like to take all the credit but I believe the players deserve some.  And let’s not forget the groupies who service the players between innings.

My next Yankee game is……oh hell I’m too tired to look it up now.  I’m a cranky old man and I hate everything except Matlock.  Ooooh, he’s on now!

Go Yankees!

“So I’m ugly.  So what.  I never saw anyone hit with his face.” ~ Yogi Berra

On Sunday afternoon the Yankees ended the first half of the season with the final game of a four-game series against the Tampa Bay “No Diablo” Rays.  The Yankees started CC Sabathia (13-4 2.72) and the Rays started James Shields (8-7 2.33).

After yesterday’s excitement (Jeter had his 3000th hit, but more on that later) today’s game was an old-fashioned pitchers duel.  Each team only had four hits.  The time of the game was a respectable (and also old-fashioned) two hours and 11 minutes.

The Yankees almost scored in the bottom of the third.  Eduardo Nunez (playing third for the injured AROD who will be out 6-8 weeks to have surgery on his knee) and Jeter hit consecutive singles and both runners moved up after a Curtis Granderson groundout.  But Teixeira then flied out to center field and B.J. Upton threw Nunez out at the plate.  0-0 after three.

And that’s how the score stayed until the seventh.  The Rays went down 1-2-3 in the fourth, fifth and six innings.  In the top of the seventh B.J. Upton singled but was out when Granderson threw to Teixiera and doubled him up after Sean Rodriguez flied out to center field.

And that brings us to the bottom of the Seventh and the “run that should not be” where the Yankees scored the only run of the game on two egregious throwing errors by Tampa.  Robinson “I still miss Melky Cabrera” Cano led off with a single.  After Jorge “women find my ears very sexy” Posada flew out to shallow center Cano was caught between first and second and should have been thrown out but Upton threw the ball past first base, past the Yankee dugout, past Yankee Stadium, past the Harlem River, into Manhattan.  Cano was awarded third on the throw.  So there was Cano, sitting on his gift of third base when he made his second potential baserunning blunder of the inning. Shields turned and threw to third base, only he threw wild as well.  Cano scored on the error.  Yankees scored on one hit and two errors.  1-0 Yankees after seven.

And that was the final score.  Sabathia was dominant, pitching a complete game shutout while striking out nine and walking only one.

Notes on the game:

As everyone knows Derek Jeter, Yankee shortstop and significant other of Minka Kelly, went 5-5 in Saturday’s game, getting his 3000 career hit in the process.  Derek, you couldn’t do this on Sunday?  The game I went to?

Really Derek.  3000 hits and Minka Kelly?

I repeat.  Mr. Jeter, 3000 hits and Minka Kelly?

Why must you have both?  Aren’t you being greedy?  You can have your 3000 hits but save Minka for the little guy: the hardworking bloggers of this world.

Minka - what’s Derek have that I don’t.  Besides athletic talent, good looks and millions?  I have a blog.  That should count for something.

But this points out a more troubling Yankee tradition:  Greed and selfishness.

• Jason Giambi would not share his steroids.
• Phil Rizzuto would not share his cannolis.
• Joe Pepitone would not share his toupee.
• Mickey Mantle would not share his hookers (he would, however, share his Clap.)
• Joe Dimaggio would not share Marilyn Monroe.
• Babe Ruth would not share his hot dogs (unlike Mantle though he was quite generous with his hookers.)

I think Homer Simpson put it best:  “Just like a professional athlete.  Always wanting more.”

The woman sitting next to me brought a bucket of hamburgers with her to her seat.  I had never seen a bucket filled with hamburgers before.  She ate every one.  During the sixth inning I felt a searing pain in my left side.  Out of hamburgers and still hungry she had started to eat my thigh.  “Must consume” she kept saying.

After going 5-5 yesterday Derek Jeter returned to form, going 1-4 including a ground out and two strikeouts.

In the second inning a woman in the stands was hit in the head by a foul ball off the bat of Floppy Ears Posada.  She was bleeding from her head as medical teams looked at her.  The Yankees expressed concern for the woman and then designated her for assignment.  “We had to free up a roster spot” said Girardi.

Recommended reading material:

The Life of Greece (The Story of Civilization) by Will Durant.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Your Yankees may be doing good now but we will still win the World Series this year.”

I apologize for D.B. people.  He’s obviously a tad gone in the head.

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “So, you’re going to stop putting words in my mouth?”

Definitely.  I’ve learned my lesson.

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “Sometimes at work I get drunk and sexually harass my underlings.”

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “What the hell did I tell you about putting words in my mouth.  Okay, you hear that banging on your door?  That’s me with a baseball bat. I have a baseball bat in one hand, a crossbow in the other and a pistol between my teeth.  You are going down bitch!”

Wow, M.B.  You weren’t this violent when you lived in California.

So at the All Star break the Yankees find themselves with a record of 53-35, in second place in the AL East one game behind that team from Massachusetts whose name shall not pass my lips.

My record at Yankee games this year stands at 9-0.  My next game is Monday July 25th against the Seattle “Down with the capitalists” Mariners.

Go Yankees!

“Well boys it’s a round ball and a round bat and you got to hit the ball square.” ~  Joe Schultz, manager of the Seattle Pilots, 1969.

On Saturday I went to see the Yankees play interleague baseball against the Colorado “What else were we gonna call ourselves?  The Colorado move along nothing to see here” Rockies.

The Yankees started CC Sabathia (10-4 3.25).  The Rockies started Aaron Cook (0-3 5.48).

CC was dominant, erasing the memory of his subpar June.

The Yankees got on the board in the bottom of the first.  Brett “No I’m not balding.  I wear my hair this short because it looks good” Gardner led off with a single and then stole second.  Curtis Granderson singled and reached second on Right Fielder Eric Young’s fielding error.  Gardner scored on the error.  After a Teixeira ground out Alex Rodriguez singled home Granderson.  2-0 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the third Granderson led off with a single.  Teixiera doubled him to third.  Rodriguez then doubled them both home.  After AROD reached third on a fielder’s choice Nick “The bleacher creatures love me and won’t turn on me if I don’t start producing” Swisher hit a sacrifice fly to center that scored AROD.  5-0 Yankees after three.

The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the six as Swisher led off with a double.  The next batter up, Jorge “My ears wiggle when I’m angry” Posada doubled him home.  6-0 Yankees after six.

The Rockies finally scored in the eighth.  After Matt Pagnozzi led off with a single and reached third on consecutive ground outs Seth Smith, pinch hitting for Todd Helton singled him home.

The Yankees scored again in the bottom of the eighth.  After Brett Gardner walked and Curtis Granderson flied out Mark Teixeira hit a deep home run to right field. How deep?  I am in the front row of the bleachers and the ball landed in the last row of the box seats in right field.  It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to getting a ball.  If it had been a few feet higher it would have landed right in my hands.  Okay, so I  a) would have dropped it or b) been beaten savagely by the other fans trying for the ball.  But a poor blogger can dream.

8-1 Yankees after eight.

Sabathia was then pulled after allowing seven hits and one run while walking one and striking out nine, becoming the first pitcher the majors to win ten games.

The Rockies scored twice in the ninth off of reliever Buddy “Not Brian Cashman’s best buy” Carlyle.

Final Score:  Yankees 8 Rockies 3.

Notes on the game:

The Yankees continued their tradition of “Useless Giveaway” day.   In Saturday’s case it was a lunchbox. In keeping with the ’70s school theme during the seventh inning stretch all fans were given ten minutes to eat a stale, small, rectangular slice of pizza. Then we were hustled outside to play dodgeball.  I was hit in the nuts. I hate dodgeball.  I can understand why schools want to ban it.  It interferes with self-esteem.

Of course this series also saw the return to Yankee Stadium of Jason Giambi (pictured here). Because Giambi was so popular in New York all children 12 and under were given a syringe with an accompanying DVD with instructions on where exactly on the fleshy part of the ass to insert the needle.  Giambi left the game in the eighth inning to consume a small child.

As I write this (Sunday afternoon) the Yankees have just defeated the Rockies, allowing them to hold onto their 1/2 game lead in the AL East over the abomination of desolation (Bahstahn.)

Alex Rodriguez left the game in the seventh inning because of soreness in his knee.  And to collect his social security benefits.

Best heckle of the game:  I tried but my heckle of “All you need is love.  And duct tape.  And a crawl space that’s sound proof so the pesky neighbors won’t hear anything” didn’t fire up the crowd.  In fact, people moved away from me.  Who know New Yorkers’ could be so intolerant of alternative lifestyles.

Recommended reading material:

The New York Irish, edited by Ronald H. Baylor and Timothy J. Meagher.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I’m not getting out of the f#$#ing pool.  F%&* you!”

I guess Philadelphians are just selfish that way.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I was DJing a house party for a fraternity and all these college girls kept hitting on me and trying to take me back to their rooms.  I resisted of course.”

What? You are dead to me sir.

The (in)famous M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I’m thinking of transferring my allegiance from the Yankees to the Red Sox.”

Wow.  That’s just wrong.  Wrong!  Bad M.B.!  Bad M.B.!

M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “I never said that.  Stop putting words in my mouth!”

M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “Sometimes I like to flash people.”

M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “What the hell did I just tell you?  Stop putting words in my mouth.  Seriously.  I own a crossbow.  I will hunt you down.  Shoot you.  Gut you.  Stuff you and mount you on my wall.  Bitch!”

Wow. I apologize for M.B. readers.  She lives in Brooklyn.  And as everyone is aware, Brooklyn is a far less civilized place than Manhattan.

My record at Yankee games this years stands at a very impressive 8-0.  My next game is Sunday July 10th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

“Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person.  Stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire’s eye or on the ball” ~ Jim Murray

Tonight the Yankee opened a three-game series against the team that knocked them out of the playoffs last year - the Texas Rangers.  The Yankees started CC Sabathia (8-4 3.28) while Texas started their wunderkind Alexi Ogando (7-1  2.71 ERA).

Well fortunately for the Yankees Ogando was about as effective as some of my pick up lines, lasting only an inning and 2/3 while giving up six runs.

After sitting out a 50 minute rain delay (another cold rainy night in this miserable Spring in New York) the game started.  The Yankees broke out in the bottom of the second with six runs on six hits.  After singles by Brett “Male Pattern Baldness” Gardner and Curtis Granderson, Mark “Sold my soul to Satan for a World Series ring” Teixeira doubled them both home.  After an Alex Rodriguez single, a Jorge “Stop looking at my ears” Posada double and a Nick Swisher walk to load the bases Eduardo Nunez singled.  6-0 Yankees after two.

Yes, I realize I’m missing crucial elements to the bottom of the second such as Did Nunez’ single score four runs?  Hey, it was very cold in the upper deck and I was drinking beer to keep warm so cut me some slack.  Is it my fault my scorecard resembles a Jackson Pollock painting?

In the bottom of the third Nick Swisher homered to deep left.  7-0 Yankees after three.

In the top of the fourth Texas got on the board.  Sabathia was laboring (cold isn’t his best pitching weather).  Ian Kinsler and Elvis “Thank you very much” Andrus led off the inning with singles. Michael Young then singled to shallow center scoring both.

In the bottom of the fourth Gardner walked and stole second.  Teixeira was hit by a pitch and Alex “Oh how I love nondetectable HGH” doubled to deep center, scoring them both.  9-2 Yankees after four.

Sabathia labored again in the fifth.  Mitch  Moreland and Yorvit Torrealba led off with singles. Craig Gentry then doubled scoring Moreland and moving Torrealba to third.  Elvis Andrus then grounded out to shortstop scoring Torrealba.  9-4 yankees after five.

In the bottom of the sixth Brett Gardner singled, stole second and then scored when Curtis Granderson hit a home run to deep right.  In that same inning Robinson Cano homered to right.  By the way, Cano is getting tired of the rumor that he was named after Professor Robinson from Lost in Space.  Who starts these damn rumors?  Oh that’s right.  I did.  12-4 Yankees after six.

And that was the final score.  Luis Ayala pitched the eight for the Yankees and Lance Pendleton closed it out in the ninth for the Yankees.

Boston “The Yankees are our bitch” lost tonight so the Yankees are  now only 1 1/2 games behind them.

As most everyone knows the excitement coming into this homestand was Derek Jeter’s quest for his 3000th hit.  He hit 2994 on Monday then had to leave the game with a strained calf.  This points out the Yankees weakness:  Age.  First Colon on Saturday and now Jeter.

That’s the price you pay for having players who voted for Taft.

Anyway, after Monday’s game Jeter was brought behind the barn and shot between the eyes by this gang: “It’s a shame to put him down like that.  But this dog just don’t hunt no more” said one of them.

Notes on the game:

I tried but my heckle of “The definition of Papal Infallibility promulgated by the First Vatican Council was really a European issue.  A fight between the Gallicans and the Ultramontanes and as such had no relevance to the Americans” just…….didn’t seem to fire up the crowd.

Recommended reading material:  The Panic of 1857 and the Coming of the Civil War by James L. Horton.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I believe that George Lazenby was the best James Bond.”

What can I say?  He’s from Philadelphia people.  You know.  He’s “special.”

S.J. of Harlem, New York writes, “I love cats.”

Oh really, S.J.?  Then how do you explain this photo?

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “I find bloggers to be very sexy.”

M.B. of Brooklyn also writes, “Stop putting words in my mouth motherf#@(!”

I apologize for M.B. people.  She works in publishing.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “Who knew 20 bodies buried in my back yard would back up my septic tank?”

Live and learn, L.K.  Live and learn.

My record this year at Yankee games stands at an impressive 7-0.

My next game is Saturday June 25th against the Colorado Rockies.

Go Yankees!

“What is surprising and delightful is that the spectators are allowed, and even expected, to join in the vocal part of the game.  There is no reason why the field should not try to put the batsman of his stroke at the critical moment by neatly timed disparagement’s of his wife’s fidelity and his mother’s respectability” ~ George Bernard Shaw

This Friday and Saturday I took in games against the slumping Cleveland Native Americans.  The Native Americans had just come off a homestand where they lost six of seven.  This could be what the Yankees needed, having been swept, no, spanked the previous series by the abomination of  desolation otherwise known as the Bahstahn Red Sawks.

On Friday’s game the Yankees started Ivan Nova (5-4 4.30) while the Natives countered with Fausto Carmona (3-8 5.71 ERA).

The Yankees got on the board in the bottom of the first. After Jeter, Teixeira and AROD walked Robinson Cano singled to right, scoring Jeter.  Nick “O-H” (more on that later) Swisher hit a sacrifice fly to left field scoring Teixeira.  Jorge “Bat me ninth and you kiss my blood clot” Posada then singled home Rodriguez.  3-0 Yankees after 1.

In the bottom of the second Curtis Granderson hit a solo shot.   Then things got interesting.  Teixeira was then hit by a pitch.  Teixeira threw his helmet and motioned to Carmona.  Both benches and bullpens emptied.

It was your typical baseball “fight.“  By the time everyone had run to the mound people were too tired.  Except for managers Girardi and Manny Acta of Cleveland who engaged in a heated shouting match.  So it was a Mexican standoff.

I’ve just been informed that that phrase is insulting to Mexicans.  Instead I will call it a illegal immigrant standoff.

I’ve just been informed that that phrase criminalizes illegal activity.  Instead I will call it an undocumented guest worker standoff.  4-0 Yankees after 2.

In the bottom of the third Brett Gardner doubled home Robinson Cano.  5-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the fourth Alex Rodriguez hit a monster blast into the left field bleachers that went 460 feet.  6-0 Yankees after four.

In the top of the fifth Cleveland finally scored.  Who cares how they scored though.  Okay, I was at the concession stand buying a beer and wasn’t paying attention.  By the way, did you know that regular beers are six dollars but a souvenir beer is 11?  That souvenir beer better come with souvenir sex.

6-1 Yankees after five.

In the top of the six Carlos Santana (no, not the singer of songs, to quote Tony Curtis) hit a home run for Cleveland.  In the bottom of the sixth Granderson and Teixeira engaged in a double steal and Granderson scored on the catcher’s throwing error.

7-2 Yankees after six.

In the bottom of the seventh Teixeira hit a bases clearing double scoring Francisco Cervelli, Jeter and Granderson.  Alex Rodriguez then doubled home Teixeira.

11-2 Yankees after seven.  And that’s what the final score should have been.  But the Yankees have problems with their bullpen.  Before the series started it was announced that Joba Chamberlain would need Tommy John surgery and would be out for the rest of the year.  A big blow for the Yanks.

After pitching seven strong inning Ivan Nova was relieved by Kevin Whelan.  Making his major league debut Whelan walked the bases loaded, then walked in a run.  He was quickly relieved.   But not to worry.  After the game manager Joe Girardi sat him down and said, “Don’t worry  You’re with us to stay.  Just kidding.  Back to Triple AAA for you.”  Just in case Whelan didn’t get the message Girardi had him beaten by Yankee Stadium security.

So what should have been a laughter wasn’t as Cleveland scored once in the eighth and four times in the ninth.  Mariano Rivera was brought in to close.

Final score:  Yankees 11 Cleveland 7.

Notes on the game:

It was Jorge Posada figurine night at the stadium.  All fans in attendance got a free (and angry looking) Jorge Posada figurine.  Mine begged out of the lineup after I told him I would bat him ninth.  Wow.  What a figurine bitch.

There were some fans behind me who drove from Ohio.  They kept yelling at right fielder Nick Swisher “Hey Swisher.  O-H!”   I asked them what that meant.  Turns out Swisher went to Ohio State. And here I thought “O-H” were the initials of the stripper who gave him the Clap.

Saturday’s Game

On Saturday the Yankees started Bartolo “38 years old.  245 pounds.  What could go wrong?” Colon (5-3 3.10) and the Cleveland Native Americans started Mitch Talbot (2-3 4.01).

Friday was Jorge Posada figurine night.  Saturday was cap day.  I got a Yankee cap.  (I’ll add it to my collection.)

Unlike yesterday’s game today’s was a pitching duel (except for three mistakes by Talbot (well four if you count being bitten by that werewolf.)

The Yankees got on the board first when Alex Rodriguez hit his second  home run in two days.  1-0 Yankees after four.

In the bottom of the sixth things got interesting.  Curtis Granderson hit a home run.  After Mark Teixeira flied out to right field Alex Rodriguez was then hit by a pitch. After what happened yesterday the home plate umpire immediately ejected Talbot.  AROD was down for awhile and as the trainers looked at him it appeared he might have to be pulled from the game.  But after the trainer whispered in his ear “I like you better than Jeter” AROD bounced back up and took first base.

2-0 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh disaster struck for the already injury-depleted Yankee pitching staff as Bartolo Colon pulled up lame covering first base on a routine grounder.  He was placed on the 15-day DL.  Just kidding.  Girardi had him put down.  David Robertson came in for emergency relief for the Yanks.

In the bottom of the seventh Jorge Posada singled to right and Nick Swisher went to third.  However Cleveland Right Fielder Shin-Soo Choo (he of the DWI arrest) misplayed the ball allowing Posada to go to second and Swisher to score.  3-0 Yankees after seven.

After Robertson struck out the side in the top of the eighth Mark Teixeira homered to right.  4-0 Yankees after eight. Boone Logan pitched the ninth as the Yankees won 4-0.

Notes on the game:

Friday was figurine night.  Saturday was cap day.  Sunday’s game (which I did not attend) was, I believe, Gates of Hell Day where all fans 14 and under have the opportunity to sell their soul to Satan in exchange for future baseball success.

The Yankees value highly their relationship with Satan and here to present his thanks to Satan on behalf of the Yankees is Mark Teixeira!

As everyone knows Derek Jeter is closing in on 3000 hits.  He hit one Friday and was hitless Saturday and as of Sunday game time needed eight more.  I hope he gets it quickly.  The sooner he reaches 3000 the sooner he can be moved down in the lineup.  Perhaps bat him sixth and move Gardner to lead off.

And so my record stands at an impressive 6-0 this year.  My next game is Tuesday June 14th against the Texas Rangers.  Go Yankees.

As this has been a rather long post I will close it now so my valued readers can get back to doing what they do best - surf for porn!

Let’s see, what happens if I type in “Busty Asian babes” for my Google search? Wow!  I’m going to be busy for awhile I see.

Talk amongst yourselves.