Manhattan Infidel

“Basketball, hockey and track meets are action heaped upon action, climax upon climax, until the onlooker’s responses are deadened.  Baseball is for the leisurely afternoons of Summer and for the unchanging dreams” ~ Roger Kahn

Today I went to see the Yankees play an afternoon matinee against division rivals the Toronto “We are Canadian, eh?” Blue Jays.  The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (3-4 3.26 ERA) while Toronto countered with Jo-Jo “Haven’t won a start in 28 games” Reyes (0-4 4.70 ERA.)

I was worried about Garcia who hasn’t looked sharp as of late.  My fears intensified when on the first pitch of the game he gave up a triple to Yunel Escobar.  However, Garcia settled down after that and got out of the first without giving up a run.

In the bottom of the first, after a lead off double by Derek “3000 hits?  Try 3000 women” Jeter, Curtis Granderson doubled him home.

1-0 Yankees after one.

In the bottom of the second Jo-Jo Reyes, after walking Russell Martin, served up a golf ball to Andrew “Never done steroids…cough cough” Jones who homered to deep left center

3-0 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the third, after giving up a double to Curtis Granderson Mark Teixeira homered to left field.  Jo-Jo Reyes was mercifully pulled at this point.

5-0 Yankees after three.

In the top of the sixth Toronto finally got on the board.  After a double by Corey Patterson, Juan Rivera singled him home.

5-1 Yankees after 5 1/2.

In the bottom of the sixth after a walk to Nick Swisher, Andrew “Like I said before I have never used steroids” Jones hit his second home run of the game, this one into the black in deep center field.

7-1 Yankees after six.

In the top of the seventh after Aaron Hill singled Eric Thames doubled him home. Thames later scored on a Jayson Nix ground out.

7-3 Yankees after seven.  And that was the final score.

Freddy Garcia pitched 6 1/3 strong innings giving up eight hits while striking out four.  David Robertson finished the seventh while Joba Chamberlain pitched the eighth and Mariano Rivera pitched the ninth. (This version of the bullpen will have to last seeing as Rafael Soriano is out for at least two months.  Another nice pick up for the Yankees.)

Notes on the game:

Yankee killer Jose Bautista was thankfully silent, managing only a single in today’s game.

Today’s game marked Mariano River’s 1000 appearance.  While 14 other pitchers have done this Rivera is the only one to do it entirely with one team.

Like Rivera, I also recently had a milestone involving the number 1000:  I was recently turned down by the 1000th woman I hit on in a bar.  Maybe it’s my pick up line:

Don’t worry honey.  My dermatologist says it’s not contagious and I have plenty of disinfectant back at my place.  So, shall I penetrate you?

I always say baseball doesn’t really count until Memorial Day.  Well, with Memorial Day fast approaching how do the Yankees stand up?

The standing show the Yankees in first place in the A.L. East with a 27-21 record, having won seven out of their last ten.  They are a half game ahead of the abomination of desolation (otherwise known as the Bahstahn Red Sawks.) The A.L. East is pretty tight at the moment with only 3 1/2 games separating the Yankees from my pick to win the division the Baltimore Orioles.  Yeah, that’s right.  I picked the Orioles.  And I’m standing by my decision no matter how foolish it makes me look.

But how long can they stay in first?  This team is old.  The left side of our infield remembers voting for Taft in 1908.  Our DH is angry.  Very angry.  And can’t hit.   Our starting pitching is barely getting along.  Offensively the Yankees haven’t been firing on all cylinders for the entire year. They can’t move runners over.  They rely too much on the long ball.  I don’t think this team can win the division.  Of course I could be wrong, like the time I wrote all major networks, “Hey, give Don Rickles another show.  The man is ratings gold!”

A curious incident happened between the sixth and seventh innings when a helicopter dropped this couch   onto the field.  Immediately it was set upon by our angry DH Jorge Posada (pictured here) who attacked the helpless couch shouting, “This couch makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!”  I have no explanation as to the significance of the couch or why it makes Jorge very angry.  If my readers have any ideas please let me know.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “You are an evil man.  God how I hate you.” 

Wow M.B.  You sound cranky.  Perhaps your sofa isn’t comfortable? Perhaps not as comfortable as this fine model? 

L.K. of New Jersey writes “I really enjoy killing homeless people and storing the bodies in my crawl space.  Um, I mean go Yankees!”

I always like to hear from Yankee fans.  No explanation necessary.

D.B. of Philadelphia PA writes, “Our Phillies couldn’t score in a whore house.  What the hell happened?  We were supposed to be unbeatable!”

You see D.B., the Phillies have lots of injuries.  And God hates you.

And so my record stands at 4-0 this year.  My next game is Saturday June 11th against the tough Cleveland Indians.

Go Yankees!

“Thank god the Cubs didn’t sign me.  I’d have been a loser all my life” ~ Moose Skowron

Today was May 1st, May Day.  And on this beautiful Sunday the Yankees finished off a three game series against the Toronto “What?  Yeah I know Shatner’s from Canada.  Want to make something of it” Blue Jays.

The Yankees started Ivan Nova (2-2 5.14) while Toronto countered with Jesse Litsch (2-2 4.60).  On this Sunday when John Paul II was beatified could miracles happen?  Would Ivan Nova pitch into the seventh inning?  Would the Yankees continue to hit home runs?  Would Yankee Stadium security beat me up on suspicion of not being rich?   Anything could happen.

After a 1-2-3 top of the first the Yankees got on the board first.  Toronto had an extreme version of the shift against Mark Teixeira (all Toronto infielders were actually playing from the Yankee dugout.)  Teixeira however homered to deep right center.  1 - 0 Yankees after one.

Toronto got a run back in the top of the second when Adam Lind homered to left field.  1-1 after two.

Nova hit a road bump in the top of the third giving up a run on two hits.  Rajai Davis led off with a walk. Then stole second. Then stole third.   After Yunel Escobar struck out Jose “I am not saying I’m on any performance enhancing drugs but my real  name is Lidia and I’m a 68 year old retired pharmacist” Bautista grounded out 6-3 allowing Davis to score.  2-1 Toronto after three.

After that both starting pitchers settled down and the score remained 2-1 Toronto until the Yankees broke it up in the bottom of the fifth.  Jorge “Mendoza line” Posada led off with a double.  Brett “Mendoza Line II” then singled.  Francisco Cervelli in his first game back from the DL  grounded out allowing Posada to score and Gardner to go to second.  Tie game. Derek “Washed up but I can console myself with Minka Kelly” then reached first on a fielder’s choice. Curtis Granderson then hit a three run home run to deep right.  5 - 2 Yankees after five.

And that was the final score.  Nova pitched 6 1/3 innings giving up two runs on six hits while walking four and striking out five.  David Robertson and Boone Logan finished the seventh while Rafael Soriano  (of the 6.57 ERA) pitched the eighth and Mariano Rivera pitched the ninth, recording his 10th save of the season, allowing the Yankees to win two out of three from Toronto.

Notes on the game:

Today was skin cancer screening day at Yankee Stadium because the Yankees care about their fans and would like to remind them that one day they will die a slow horrible painful death. More slow horrible and painful than the last season of Lost.  (So the secret of the Island is that it’s a water slide?  WTF?  And don’t give me any of that “Oh the Island is just a plot device.”  Yeah well you now what else is just a plot device?  My penis in your mouth.)

The following rant was sponsored by Anthelios 60, the sun screen with an SPF of 60, given out for free at the game today because the Yankees care about their fans and, oh, yeah, you’re all going to die.

Regular beers at Yankee Stadium are six dollars.  A souvenir beer is 12.  But it’s worth it because if you buy a souvenir beer Rafael Soriano personally apologizes for his April and offers to mow your lawn.  Because the Yankees care about their fans.  The ones that haven’t died yet that is.

Best t-shirt ever:  A Yankee fan at the game wore a “At least our heroes aren’t frozen”  shirt with a drawing of Ted Williams cracked, frozen and decapitated head.

Recommended reading material:

Under the March Sun:  The Story of Spring Training by Charles Fountain.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “How come every time you see the Yankees they win and every time I see them they lose?”

Simple.  It’s your couch.  The Yankees don’t like it.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I have no more room in my crawl space.  Where else can I put nubile, college-age babysitters I lure to my place?”

Running out of room in your crawl space is a rookie mistake.  That’s what garages are for.  Use a pick axe to break up the cement, dig a hole, place the bodies in the hole and re-cement the garage floor.  Um. I mean I’m shocked and disgusted by your email.  I’m notifying the police.

There was a scary moment before the game when just-activated backup catcher Francisco Cervelli had a seizure and thought he was auditioning for “So You Think You Can Dance.”   He was wrestled to the ground by Stadium security and given sun screen.  Because the Yankees care.  And we are all going to die.

After the first 25 games of the year the Yankees are in first place in the AL East with a 16-9 record, 2 1/2 games ahead of the Tampa Rays.  I suppose I should be happy but the Yankees have problems.  This team is old.  Jeter looks washed up.  Same with Posada. The Yankees offense so far is one-dimensional relying too much on long ball.  And Alex Rodriguez is running out of blonds.  But it’s still early.  Jeter and Posada may come back.  And if our pitching holds up I think we’ll do well.

My record this year stands at 3 - 0.  My next game is Wednesday May 25th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

 ****UPDATE ON THE BIN LADEN FUCKER*****

So I had finished writing this post and published it and was watching the ESPN game in Phily when the news came down that Bin Laden had been kinetically de-lived.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

I hear they buried his body at sea.  Too good for him.  I’d cut his head off, mount it on a pole at ground zero, feed his torso to goats and send his limbs to the generals in Pakistan with a note attached:  “Thanks for protecting him for 10 years.  You’re next!”

Of course it’s only a matter of time before some start complaining.  Why do Americans always have to be unilateral and simple minded?  Where’s the nuance in killing him?  Couldn’t we have picked him up in high speed rail, taken him to a wind farm and dialogued over vegan food?  We could find out the root cause of why he hates us.

Anyway, still good the fucker’s dead.

 “Baseball is a fun game.  It beats working for a living” ~ Phil Linz

It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Someone once said that.  I think it was a blogger.  Anyway Saturday afternoon I found myself at Yankee Stadium on a cold, raw, windy, rainy Spring day as the Yankees faced the Texas (best team in baseball?) Rangers.   Game time temperature:  45 degrees.  Wind gust of 25 miles per hour.  Overcast.  (It started to rain during the National Anthem and didn’t stop the entire game.)

The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (1-0 1.29) while Texas started Derek Holland (2-1 3.66).  Holland is lifetime 0-3 against the Yankees.

The Yankees got on the board first as Mark Teixera continued his hot April (and who would have thought Teixeira and hot April would go together) as he homered in the bottom of the first bringing home Nick Swisher who had singled.  Jeter, of course, led off the game with a ground out.

2-0 Yankees after one inning.

In the bottom of the third Jeter walked and moved to third when Swisher doubled.  Teixeira then hit a sacrifice fly to Center Field scoring Jeter.

3-0 Yankees after three.

After six innings of wonderful work by Garcia he was pulled for Joba “My spirit guide is International House of Pancakes” Chamberlain.  Joba continued to pitch well with velocity matching his 2007 form.  He gave up one hit while striking out two.

3-0 after seven.

In the Eighth the Yankees brought in Rafael “I no like cold weather” Soriano.  He of the 9.53 ERA.  Soriano had another bad appearance allowing two runs on three hits and a walk.  Elvis “Is dead” Andrus singled home Mitch Moreland.  Michael Young singled allowing Ian Kinsler to score before Soriano was able to get out of the inning.

3-2 Yankees after 7 1/2 innings.

In the bottom of the eighth Teixeira singled and Robinson Cano hit a homer giving the Yankees some insurance runs.

5-2 Yankees after eight.

In the ninth Mariano Rivera (of the 0.00 ERA) struck out one and allowed a hit.  Final score:  Yankees 5 Texas 2.

Notes on the game:

Arriving early and walking around the Stadium I once again noticed the difference in treatment afforded the rich patrons in the 300 dollar seats and those in the bleachers.  The sign in the bathroom on the field level was this:

Contrast that with the sign in the bathroom by the bleachers which said:

I hope you wiped your ass you poor bastard.  Do you think we’re going to pay AROD’s salary with your $14 dollar ticket?  You’re lucky we even provide toilet paper. You make me sick.  I can’t even look at you!

Catching for the Yankees today was backup Gustavo Molina.  Section 5.09a of the Official Rules of Major League Baseball states that “Every team must have at least one catcher named Molina.  So suck it bitches.”

Because of the inclement weather the Yankees announced that everyone in attendance would be given a free ticket to another game.  Unfortunately the game is at Citi Field to see the Mets play the Marlins.

Before the game the Yankees show on the big screen all Yankees saying “Welcome to Yankee stadium. Please enjoy your stay.”  However Ivan Nova said “Welcome to Yankee Stadium.  Please buy plenty of concessions.  Los Yanquis have my family. I want to see them again.”  I bought some popcorn.

Recommended reading material:  The New York City Draft Riots:  Their Significance for American Society and Politics in the Age of the Civil War by Iver Bernstein.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “My wife is a nurse.  She gives me these pills that make me all happy inside.”

Lucky bastard gets free Demerol.  Isn’t that typical of America today? The rich have all the breaks while the rest of us have to buy our Demerol or swipe a fellow blogger’s supply.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If I haven’t mentioned this before I have a new couch.”

Yes, you have mentioned it before.  But D.B. gets free Demerol.  I think he has you beat.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I was playing catch with my  eight year old son in the back yard when one of the bodies I buried there became exposed.  My son wanted to know why there is a dead body buried in the back yard.  What do I tell him?”

Excellent question.  Just let him know that your hard work pays the mortgage and you can bury any goddamn body any goddamn place you want and if he doesn’t like it he can get a  goddamn job.  Besides, it was the body of a Mets fan.

So how are the Yankees going to do this year? It’s too early to hit the panic button.  We’ll have a better idea around Memorial Day but this team has issues.  Phil Hughes has reverted to 2008 dead arm form. A.J. Burnett has pitched well so far but he started out last year pitching well also.  CC Sabathia died of a heart attack in January while eating a 32-ounce porterhouse but being the trooper he is still pitches every fifth day.  But for how long?   AROD left the game early with biceps problems.  Derek Jeter?  Future Hall of Famer and he’s done great work for the Yankees.  But how long will the Yankees bat him first and second if all he can do is weakly ground out?  Sooner or later they will have to move him to seventh or eighth in the lineup.

My record so far this year stands at 2-0.  My next game is Sunday May 1st against the Toronto “We have no chance of winning the division, eh?” Blue Jays.

Go Yanks!

“Baseball?  It’s just a game - as simple as a ball and a bat.  Yet as complex as the American spirit it symbolizes.  It’s a sport, business and sometimes even religion.” ~ Ernie Harwell, “The Game for All America” 1955

Well tonight the Yankees were supposed to play my pick to win the AL East - the Baltimore Orioles.  Unfortunately I arrived at Yankee Stadium just in time for the torrential downpours.  Shortly after 7 PM (the purported game time) the game was officially called off.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

1. Walk up to a stranger and say, “When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart.  Before he dies Magua will put his children under the knife so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever.”
2. Ask a Yankee Stadium security guard, “How does it feel being an obese fascist?” Note:  This is not a recommended action for those without medical insurance.
3. Walk up to a preteen girl and say “How come you’re not dressed like a prostitute?  You are not hip lady!”
4. Tell a stranger that “My father’s people say that at the birth of the Sun and of his brother the Moon their mother died. So the Sun gave to the Earth her body from which was to spring all life.  And he drew forth from her breast the stars and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul.  Now suck it bitch.”

Well anyway this rain out put me in a quandary.  The post for Wednesday April 13th was supposed to be about Tuesday night’s game.  What to do?  Now I have nothing to write about.  But I am prepared for such an emergency.

The date was February 27, 2009.  My blog was about a week old and had a readership of about ten people (mostly drunks I pestered in bars on Third Avenue to read my blog.)  Anyway, I as of yet had no real idea what my blog would be about.  This post was the first post that I consider worthy of mention and a sign of things to come.

So I now present the first official Manhattan Infidel Re-Post.  Enjoy.

Derek Jeter ascends into Heaven:

“What are we at the park for except to win?  I’d trip my mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off.  Tell her I’m sorry.  But mother, don’t make it to third.” ~ Leo Durocher

The above photo is of Mariano Rivera warming up in the Yankee bullpen.  Trust me.  I know you can’t see his face but it is Mariano.  Besides,  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I never lie.  Unless I’m explaining to police why there is a body in the trunk of my car.

Today the New York Yankees (the baseball team in New York that didn’t lose everything to Bernie Madoff) opened a four-game series against the Minnesota “We apologize for Al Franken” Twins.

Today all fans received a Yankee cap courtesy of H&R Block.  The Yankee value highly their relationship with H&R Block.  And with tax season upon us this begs the question.  Are anabolic steroids tax deductible?   I hope so because if I’m going to to get back acne, shriveled testicles and the inability to maintain an erection I better have some money coming to me.

Onto the game.

The Yankees started Ivan “I can make it past the fifth inning - please don’t beat me” Nova (1-0 4.50 ERA) while the Twins started Scott “I am not Carl Pavano - why is everyone booing me?” Baker (0-1 6.00 ERA).

Nova continued where he left off last year (great for three innings, sucks after that.)  He didn’t give up a hit until the fourth when the Twins scored two runs when Jim Thome doubled home Justin Morneau and Delmon Young.  The Twins scored another run in the fifth when Tsuyoshi  Nishioka doubled home Alexi Casilla.  Fortunately three runs was all Nova needed as the Yankees scored four runs on a two run home run by Alex “My kingdom for a blond woman to feed me popcorn” Rodriguez in the first and a two run home run by Jorge “Being DH makes me angry.  Very angry” Posada in the second.

Joba Chamberlain came on and pitched a scoreless seventh, Rafael Soriano pitched a scoreless eighth and Mariano Rivera closed it out in the night.

Final score:  Yankees 4 Twins 3.

Notes on the game:

When AROD came up in the bottom of the first I yelled out “Come on AROD.  Hit a  home run and I’ll feed you popcorn!”  He must have heard me because after he hit it out of the park Yankee stadium security ushered me into the locker room and I was forced to feed him popcorn.  It was not a pleasant experience.  His drool was running down his chin and kept licking my fingers while saying “I consume!  I consume!”

Best heckle of the game:

I tried, but my chant of “Hey people, instead of doing the wave let’s practice declension of Latin nouns, pronouns and adjectives” just got the crap kicked out of me.

Celebrity sightings:

SNL producer Lorne Michaels was at the game.  No doubt taking a much needed break from giving America unfunny crap every Saturday night.

Recommended reading material:

The Aeneid of Virgil.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I like donuts.  They make me all happy inside.”

Okay.  Please confine your comments to baseball D.B.

Walt Whitman of Brooklyn writes, “You know what I love most about the American game of baseball?  25 men showering together.  What?  Did I just say that?   Why am I talking to you?  I’m dead.”

How’d you like to open for Charlie Sheen?

M.B. also of Brooklyn writes, “I have a new couch.  It’s new.  I like it.”

Please people I can’t stress this enough:  Confine your comments to  baseball.

So how are the Yankees going to do this year?  They have a lot of issues.  Their bullpen will be a strength but what good will it do if our starters fail?  As for the “Core of three” that just points out how freaking old this team is.   My prediction for the AL East:  Watch out for Baltimore.

But none of this matter yet.  Baseball doesn’t really count until Memorial Day. This is just extended Spring training.

Anyway it was a good start to the year for me.  My record stands at 1-0.  My next game is Tuesday April 12th against the Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman waited by the phone, 100 million dollars burning a hole in his pocket.  But when the call did come it was not the news he wanted to hear.  Cliff Lee, top prize of the off season free agent sweepstakes had decided to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“Naturally I was disappointed” said Cashman.  “Not as disappointed as I was when I had to kill that kid in Double A who knew about the  bodies in my crawlspace but still disappointed.  Did I mention my crawlspace?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.”

It was then, in a fortuitous moment, that Cashman looked at his TV.  CNN was covering the rioting in Europe caused by the financial crisis.  What he saw encouraged him.

Those kids who were rioting.  I mean, wow.  When they started throwing rocks at the policemen I said  “Look at those arms!”  They were throwing rocks fast and on target.  The policemen were going down quicker than the last prostitute I buried in my crawlspace.  Did I mention my crawlspace again?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.

Cashman quickly dispatched assistants to Europe to sign up the most promising rioters.  Once the rioters were located they were asked to fill out a discovery questionnaire containing questions such as:

1. Have you ever watched a baseball game?
2. Would you like a guaranteed 7-year 130 million dollar contract to work every 5 days?
3. Would you be willing to learn to throw a cutter?  A two-seam fastball?  A sinker?
4. Do you enjoy showering with 25 other men?
5. Do you have any bodies in your crawlspace?  If so, where do you put them when you run out of space?  I’ve tried taking an axe to my garage floor but the cops would just notice the new cement job over the hole.

Based on the results of the questionnaire, “we disqualified anyone who wouldn’t learn a cutter or who answered ‘No’ to question 5″ the Yankees have announced the signing of two Greeks and a Spaniard to round out their rotation for 2011.

“Two Greeks and a Spaniard” said Cashman.  “Sounds like what’s in my crawlspace.  Dammit.  Did I mention my crawlspace again? You should probably forget about that.”

With the signings the Yankees have firmly placed themselves as the favorites over the Boston Red Sox in the American League East in 2011 and beyond.

“Theo Epstein.  I bet he’s got nothing in his crawlspace - the punk!” Cashman told confused reporters.

Long thought to be spontaneous, recent evidence that has come to light has shown that New York Yankee great Lou Gehrig’s famous farewell speech was in fact carefully written out beforehand and reworked many times.

On July 4th, 1939 the Yankees held Lou Gehrig day and between games of a double header the dying Yankee captain (played by Gary Cooper in the iconic movie) addressed the crowd.

The manuscript of Gehrig’s speech, often called the “Gettysburg Address” of baseball, written in Gehrig’s own hand contains much that was penciled out, with notations in another hand, presumably Gehrig’s wife Eleanor.

The speech started with the famous sentence, “Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.”

Yet the manuscript’s original beginning was different:

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got.  I don’t know who gave me this Asian clap but God it burns when I pee.  Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth - my doctor found a cream I apply to my genitals that helps soothe the burning sensations.

This sentence was crossed out by Gehrig’s wife who wrote, “probably not a good idea to say this, Lou.”

The speech continued with Gehrig extolling the virtues of his current manager, Joe McCarthy, “that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today.”

In the manuscript that sentence continued with:

I mean, I know he’s Irish and all.  But as long as we don’t use the same bathroom I’m fine.  Could be worse - at least he’s not Greek.

This part was also crossed out by Eleanor, who wrote in the margin, “I can live with pissing off the Irish but the Greek scare me.”

And of course there is the justifiably famous ending sentence of “So I close in saying that I may have had a bad break but I have an awful lot to live for.”

This sentence was written by his wife, replacing Gehrig’s original summation:

So I close in saying that I might have had a bad break.  No shit people I’m dying here.  Well, if I’m going down you all are.  I bought some explosives from Dimaggio’s Mafia friends and placed them around the stadium.  Say goodbye to your asses people.

Eleanor crossed out the sentence and in the margins she wrote, “Dimaggio is a punk. The explosives he sold us were fake.  Remember to rip him a new one!”

Historians of baseball are very enthusiastic about the manuscript find and say that it really helps humanize Gehrig.  Said one:

He used to be my hero.  But now when I think of him I want to take a cold shower and curl up in the fetal position.

The manuscript will be on display through April at the New York Public Library.

“Hath not a dude eyes?  If you prick us do we not grow bummed?  If we eat bad guacamole do we not blow chunks?” ~ William Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.

So tonight your humble correspondent went to Yankee Stadium to see game four of the American League Championship Series between the Yankees (truth, justice, the American way, yada yada yada) and the Texas Rangers. The game did not go as I hoped and now the Yankees are down 3-1 and face elimination in Wednesday afternoon’s game.

The Yankees started A.J. “Headcase” Burnett while the Texas Rangers started Tommy Hunter.  Surprisingly, Headcase Burnett actually pitched the better of the two.

The Yankees, proving that they are sadistic bastards who like to tease their fans got on the board first when Robinson Cano homered to deep deep right.  After a Nick Swisher strikeout Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman hit a ball that everyone in the stadium knew was foul.  From my seat behind the foul pole it obviously was not fair.

But the umpires initially ruled it a home run.  Even Berkman was stunned. Stunned no doubt that the umps were forcing him to round the bases.  But eventually the umpires withdrew to watch the replay as Berkman was treated by paramedics after a massive heart attack from his unexpected physical exertion.  The call was reversed.  1-0 Yankees after two.

Texas scored twice in the top of the third after a lead-off walk to David Murphy and Bengie Molina being hit by a pitch Murphy scored on a fielder’s choice and Molina was singled home by Michael Young.  The Yankee came back in the bottom of the inning with one run when Curtis Granderson singled home Derek Jeter.  2-2 after three innings.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees reached what would be for them the high-water mark of the game.  Brett Gardner grounded into a fielder’s choice, scoring Alex Rodriguez.  3-2 Yankees after four.  Hope was high in Yankee land.  But the Gods are cruel.  Not as cruel as an attack of bleeding piles, but cruel nevertheless.

In the top of the Sixth, civilization as we know it collapsed when Bengie “Really, seriously?  When did Bengie become a home run threat?” Molina hit a three run home run off of Burnett.  5-3 Rangers after six.

But not to fear.  This is the Yankees.  We have another miracle comeback in store, right? Ah, maybe not.

David Robertson was brought in to pitch the top of the seventh for the Yankees and proceeded to pitch effectively, getting the first two outs, which of course can mean only one thing:  A pitching change.  Boone Logan was brought in and gave up a home run to Josh Hamilton.  Girardi took him out of the game after one batter.

Well, when Hamilton hit that home run you could feel the air escaping from Yankee Stadium. Joba Chamberlain, once the future Yankee closer and now relegated to mop up duty was brought in and gave up a hit to Ian Kinsler, which scored Vladimir Guerrero.  7-3 Rangers after seven.

In the top of the ninth Texas continued to dance on the Yankees’ grave, as Josh Hamilton hit his second home run of the game off of seldom used Sergio Mitre, which was followed by a Nelson Cruz home run.

Final score:  Texas 10 Yankees 3.

Well the Yankees have dug themselves a hole.  Down 3-1 in the best of seven they must win tomorrow and Friday in Texas before facing Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee in a deciding game seven.  It’s not unheard of to come back from  a 3-1 deficit but I don’t see the Yankees doing it.

Notes on the game:

As mentioned previously, A.J. Burnett actually pitched effectively until he gave up that home run to Bengie Molina in the sixth.  Rumor has it that Joe Girardi threatened A.J. before the game:  “You better pitch well or the entire team is going to share your wife!’ 

The TBS  blimp promoting Conan O’Brien’s new show hovered over the stadium for the entire game.  It’s nice to see Conan get a second chance though I do think the “Fuck you NBC” on the side of the blimp was overkill.

Yogi Berra was in attendance which made me think of my favorite “Yogi-ism”:  90 percent of life is burying prostitutes in your back yard.  Um, I think that’s a Yogi-ism.  If not it should be.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While watching the game on TV from a Motel 6, clad only in a wife-beater t-shirt and eating a case of chocolate ice cream from a spoon Johnson was tragically burned to death when, after falling asleep, the case of chocolate ice cream melted and set off a spark in the requisite Motel 6 faulty wiring. The Yankees are confident, absolutely confident that chocolate ice cream is delicious.

Recommended reading material:

A Century of Noir:  Thirty-two Classic Crime Stories, edited by Mickey Spillane and Max Allen Collins.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia Pennsylvania writes, “Today begins a new order.  Your lands, your possessions, your very lives will gladly be given in tribute to me. In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection.  In other words you will be allowed to live.”

I apologize for D.B. readers.  He’s from Philly and probably works for an accounting firm.

M.B. of Brooklyn, New York writes, “I have just been thrown into a Sarlacc and expect to spend the next thousand years being slowly dissolved into nutrients.  It’s a painful process.  But that’s not what sucks.  There is no internet here.  How are the Yankees doing?”

M.B. - if there is no internet how did you email me?  There is something fishy, or worm-like in your story.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “Unnecessarily and solely for the love of liquor to render ourselves incapable of using our reason is opposed to virtue.”

Unless, of course, you have a blog.

Well, anyway, it is bleak for the Yankees and the season may end with Wednesday’s game.  But I hope not.  Go Yankees!

“I’ve come to the conclusion that the two most important things in life are good friends and a good bullpen” ~ Bob Lemon

The Yankees played game two of their four game series against the Tampa Rays tonight at the Stadium.  The Yankees started Phil “I hope the Joba Rules don’t destroy me like they did Joba” Hughes (17-8 4.31) and the Rays started James Shields (13-13 4.96).

And of course since there is no pennant race in this brave new wild card era the buzz at the game was the Snoopy giveaway night.  The first 18 thousand fans received a Snoopy doll that was unfortunately packed in plastic and had a string around his neck.  It looked like Snoopy had died from auto erotic asphyxiation.   I did not know Snoopy was that kinky.  It was disconcerting.  Still, not as disconcerting as the Charlie Brown golden shower giveaway night or the Lucy Van Pelt strapon giveaway night.

But onto the game.

The Yankees got on the board first breaking out with five runs in the bottom of the first.  Nick Swisher hit a home run.  Then Jorge Posada singled home Mark Teixeira.  Lance “Fat Elvis” Berkman doubled to deep center, scoring Alex Rodriguez and Jorge Posada.  Curtis Granderson then singled home Berkman.  5-0 Yankees after one.

And so the score stayed until the pesky Rays tried to scratch their way back into the game. They scored one in the second on a Matt “He of the .227 average” Joyce home run.  5-1 Yankees after two.

In the top of the third John Jaso led off with a walk.  After another walk to Carl Crawford moved him to second he scored on a single by Evan “I am not dating a pro basketball player - you are thinking of Eva Longoria” single.  5-2 Yankees after three.

In the top of the seventh Carl Crawford singled home Jason Bartlett.  5-3 Yankees after 6 1/2.  Oh oh.  Was Tampa going to get back into the game?  Have faith!  In the bottom of the seventh Robinson Cano doubled home Teixeira and AROD.  7-3 Yankees after seven.

In the bottom of the eighth Derek Jeter doubled home Brett Gardner as Joba Chamberlain closed the door on the Rays. Final score:  Yankees 8 Rays 3.

Notes on the game:

Emelio Estefan, husband of Gloria Estefan threw out the first pitch.  He then waded across the Harlem River in a makeshift raft and claimed asylum in Manhattan.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Desperate to prove he can still play baseball, Johnson asked some little league players if he could join in their game.  They were naturally happy to have a major league player in their mist and accepted.  Unfortunately Johnson was beaned by a 25 mile an hour fastball thrown by the 10 year old pitcher and was knocked unconscious.  An ambulance arrived to take him to a hospital but crashed en route.  A disorientated and concussion-suffering Johnson wandered into traffic and was hit by a semi.  He was thrown 40 feet and electrocuted on a power line.  Johnson’s agent is confident. absolutely confident that he needs a new client.

Recommended reading material:

Swing Swing Swing - The Life and Times of Benny Goodman by Ross Firestone.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “I think my neighbor saw me bury a client in my back yard.  What can I do?”

That’s simple.  Dig him up and bury him in your neighbor’s back yard.  Then call the police.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I hate the Yankees and look forward to beating you in the World Series this year.”

Again, I apologize for D.B. readers.  He’s obviously confused.  Probably works for an accounting firm.

T.S. of Astoria Queens writes, “I am an unfrozen caveman bartender.  I am confused by your modern New York society.”

You’re not from Philadelphia are you?

And so ends my 2010 season with a 12-8 record.  Respectable but not as good as last year’s 13-2. Postseason ticket for the ALDS and ALCS go on sale this Friday.  Hopefully they will have some games on nights I can go to as I work Wednesday through Saturday night 8 PM to 8 AM.  So I’m looking at you Bud Selig.  Show me some love or you’re dead to me.

Sure I could take a vacation day but that’s not the point. Vacations are like sex.  You only get a limited amount and it would be a shame to waste a vacation day on one night.  You want to enjoy your vacation and establish an emotional connection.  Ideally you want to say to your vacation, “I really enjoyed myself.  Hopefully we can do this again in six months.  And after five years maybe every four months.”

In that respect vacations differ from marriage in that the longer you are together the more you actually get to do it.

How do you the Yankees stack up against postseason opponents?  If the season ended today the Yankees have three potential opponents:  the Tampa Bay Rays, the Texas Rangers and the Minnesota Twins.  The Yankees are 8-8 against Tampa (with two more games against them.)  We are 4-2 against Minnesota and 4-4 against Texas.  All three opponents will be tough.

Go Yankees!

“Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated” ~ author unknown.

Tonight the Yankees faced arch rival the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays in a American League East matchup.  Before the game the Yankees held a slim 1/2 game lead over Tampa.  Now, normally with two weeks to go in the season that would mean an exciting pennant race.  But since the lords of baseball have deemed to give us the Wild Card, and since the Wild Card always comes from the AL East you can forget about suspense.  We’re both making the playoffs.

Today was Frank Sinatra CD giveaway day at the stadium.  In keeping with the Sinatra theme, Frank Sinatra Jr. (who looks and sounds just like his father) sang the national anthem.  I got so sentimental I kicked Peter Lawford out of the Rat Pack.  During the 7th inning stretch Shecky Greene was brought out onto the field and savagely beaten by four goons.

The game was delayed a half-hour for the unveiling of a plaque in Monument Park to the late George Steinbrenner.  Many former Yankees were in attendance but the biggest applause was saved for Donnie Baseball - Don Mattingly and Joe Torre who were present for the ceremony. The plaque mentioned Steinbrenner’s contributions to baseball.  Curiously there was no mention of his two suspensions from baseball or his hiring gamblers to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield.

Before the game it was also mentioned that on this day in 1968 Mickey Mantle hit the last home run of his career.  To honor this the first 18 thousand in attendance were given free hookers and booze.

Onto the game.

The Yankees started rookie Ivan “I can give you five innings nothing more” Nova (1-0 4.37 ERA) and Tampa started Matt Garza (14-9 4.01 ERA).  The Yankees scored first in the bottom of the third when Francisco “The Cisco Kid” Cervelli led off with a single.  Curtis Granderson then hit a home run.  2-0 Yankees after three.

In the bottom of the Fifth an AROD sacrifice fly scored Cervelli. Then, with the bases load a walk to Nick Swisher scored Derek Jeter.  4-0 Yankees after five.

Up to this point Nova had been cruising.  An easy Yankee win you say?  That was before the sixth inning, aka, the inning of 1000 walks, aka the inning that would never end.

Nova couldn’t hold the lead.  A catcher’s interference call on Cervelli allowed the first run.  Longoria grounded into a double play that scored John Jaso.  Nova was then taken out and Boone Logan (’s run) was brought in.   Logan promptly allowed Dan Johnson to single home Ben Zobrist.  Boone was then taken out and Chad Gaudin was brought in.  He promptly walked home the tying run before the half inning mercifully ended.

Uh-oh.  Another one of those games I thought.  But in the bottom of the sixth Derek “Minka Kelly likes my new hairstyle” Jeter singled home Brett Gardner and the Yanks retook the  lead.  Curtis Granderson then hit his second home run of the night, a three-run shot scoring Cervelli and Jeter.  8-4 Yankees after six.

In the top of the Seventh Tampa Bay got a run back when an Evan Longoria sac fly scored John Jaso.  8-5 Yankees after Seven.

Mariano Rivera was brough in to pitch the ninth.  Rivera had a bad road trip, blowing two saves.  Ben Zobrist hit a line drive that to everyone with vision was clearly a foul ball.  However, everyone with vision does not include Major League umpires.  It was ruled fair and he got a double.  Longoria singled him home making it 8-6 before Rivera was finally able to close the door and get the save.

Notes on the game:

The topic of conversation around the ballpark continued to be who caused A.J. Burnett’s black eye?

Who indeed punched him? Mrs. Burnett? Jorge Posada? Pitching coach Dave Eiland? We’ll never know since the Yankees aren’t talking.  But I suspect it was probably a Yankee fan enraged at watching him suck so badly the second half of the season.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

His Yankee career over, Johnson was at his mailbox sending out copies of his resume “To whom it may concern:  I am experienced in the DH position and know PowerPoint……” when he tripped and was knocked unconscious.  Neighborhood dogs gathered around him and suspecting he was a mailman took turns ripping his body to shreds.  Johnson’s agent is confident that this setback will in no way delay his return to uniform next Spring with another team.

Recommended reading material:

An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution of the United States by Charles A. Beard.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “We had a tornado in Brooklyn and the roof was ripped off of our bedroom.  When this happened I noticed a large cache of skulls in the ceiling I had never seen before.  Should I call the police about this?”

I wouldn’t.   This is New York after all.  Most buildings have a large cache of skulls and/or body parts stashed somewhere.  Besides, the cops have more important things to do like arresting smokers.

S.B of Hollywood California writes, “I noticed these things in my basement.  They look like great big seed pods. Should I be worried?”

Only if you are sleepy.

Thomas Aquinas writes, “There is no soul or part of a soul in semen.”

Umm.  That’s good to know I guess.

Anyway my record this year stands at 11-8.  My next and final regular season home game is Tuesday September 21st against the Tampa Bay Rays.  On Friday the 24th tickets go on sale for the ALDS and ALCS.  I will of course suspend my customary porn viewing to buy tickets.

Go Yankees!