It’s halftime.  Both teams are in their locker room saying nasty things about Gisele Bundchen.

It’s halftime in America too.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.  People are out of work and they are hurting.  Though I wouldn’t know anything about that.  I haven’t been out of work since 1954.  And I’m rich.  Very rich.  Jay-Z rich.  Not that I’ve ever shut down an entire maternity ward.  Though I did bang a nurse on a hospital bed once.  Good memories.  Her name was Julie and she had a tattoo of Harry Truman on her thigh.  I think she was Greek.  I gave her $400 dollars for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

Anyway.  What the hell was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  People are hurting.  And they’re all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback.  And we’re all scared.  Scared that Jim Belushi will get another TV show.  Yeah, that scared.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this.  They’ve lost everything.  So I’ve heard.  Do you think I’m actually going to go to Detroit to find out?  The place is a shithole.

I’ve seen a lot of tough eras. A lot of downturns in my life.  Remember, I used to live with Sondra Locke. It was my skinny pasty-faced white girl phase.  Call it a mid-life crisis.  I finally got rid of her by giving her $400 for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

It seems we’ve lost our heart at times.  We’ve grown lazy.  The fog of division, discord and blame make it hard to see what lies ahead.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.

But after those trials we all rallied around what was right and acted as one.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.  Hell, maybe that’s what I do mean.  I don’t know.  I just read the cue cards that the nice men from Chrysler gave me.

Detroit’s showing us it can be done.  And what’s true for Detroit is true for all of us:  We need another stimulus. The last one wasn’t big enough.

This country can’t be knocked out with one punch.  We get right back up again.  Once the stimulus takes effect.

Yeah, it’s halftime America.  And our second half is about to begin.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  But it’s overtime for me.  I mean, look at my face.  I’m 107 years old.  I keep myself alive by hunting teenagers with a crossbow and eating their pineal gland.  It’s shaped like a pine cone.  It’s part of the epithalamus.

Yeah, it’s overtime for me.  Did I tell you that I once slept with Lou Henry Hoover? Herbert Hoover’s wife?  She was wild.  She had a tattoo of Benjamin Harrison on her thigh.  I had to give her $400 for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  Now if you’ll excuse me I just saw a teenager.  And my crossbow is calling to me.

But like many of my fellow bloggers I have yet to find true love.

Then one day while casually skimming through an encyclopedia staying at least 50 feet away from Olivia Wilde per the restraining order I noticed an article on the so-called “International Date Line.”

“That’s it” I said to myself.  I’ll go to the International Date Line and finally satisfy the longing of Manhattan Infidel’s heart.  If I sent Olivia Wilde a text of my penis but I sent it from more than 50 feet away have I technically violated the restraining order?  I think not.

Let me just warn my fellow bloggers.  I went to the International Date Line and I was very disappointed.  Not only did I not get a date but most of the Date Line is in middle of the Pacific Ocean.

At first this didn’t bother me.  Hey, we all know cruise ships are called cruise ships for a reason.  So I set out to book a suite on one of those floating singles bars.

Unfortunately there were no openings on existing cruise ships.  I was banned following the incident involving a ship’s purser, a tub of jello and a commonly-used “date rape” drug.

Not discouraged by this I bought an inflatable life boat and set out on the high seas for a rendezvous with love.

Despite high seas and bitterly cold temperatures I was warmed by the thought of love  Okay I was cold but my heart was warmed by the thought of love.  Okay it was so ass-bitingly cold that my penis froze to my thigh, I developed frost bite on my hands and I had no internet connection on my dinghy so how was I to update my blog? Download porn?

After running out of fuel on my outboard motor I drifted for a few days still searching for a date.  Eventually my lifeboat was rammed by a school of whales.  On the verge of drowning I was able to climb on board one of the whales and use him as a temporary life raft.  (Yes, I know all about the “blowhole” but let’s not talk about it.  I’m still trying to repress that memory.)

The whale and I traveled south, eventually ending up in the Asmat region of the Southwestern Netherlands New Guinea.  After paying for my ride with one last trip to the blowhole I arrived on solid ground at last.

The natives were happy to see me and danced around me chanting something about “dinnertime.“  After speaking to the tribal chief I was informed that I was the first white person they had seen since Michael Rockefeller.

“We like white people” he said.  “When properly roasted they taste like a banana.”

While respecting the rich cultural traditions of indigenous people I had no desire to be a buffet.  I asked the chief if there were some way out of my predicament.  He said no and it seemed like I would soon be eaten.

Having lost all hope I resigned myself to my fate when one of the natives noticed that I was carrying a picture of Olivia Wilde. They immediately stopped their preparations to eat me and inquired if I in fact knew Miss Wilde.

“We love her” said the chief.  “We watch House all the time.”

“Yes.  Yes I do know her” I said. “Would you like to meet her?”

At those words they stopped their preparations to eat me.  And that was how Olivia Wilde saved my life.  Being an honorable man who keeps my promises a craven coward who will say anything to avoid being eaten I now find myself back in New York City, allegedly to bring her back to the tribe.

And Olivia, if you are reading this thank you for saving my life.  I have more photos of my junk I want to send you.

These two cases have many Muslims wondering if perhaps they are too strict.

In accordance with these concerns new guidelines have been drawn up in Mecca that seek to alleviate some of Islam’s stricter provisions.  The statement reads in part:

While it is true that girls are worthless killing a mother for delivering a girl instead of an honorable boy seems to be an overreaction.  The first time anyway.  If you pray to the prophet he will give you a useful man the next time.  However, if a useless woman is born the second time it is acceptable to whip her until she’s unconscious.  The beating and scars on her back will force her to give you a male child.  If she continues to give you girls you can kill her after the third child.  Console yourself with the knowledge that she will no longer give you girls.  Also, console yourself with a teenage boy.

In Ontario, Canada the murder of three daughters for “western behavior“  also has local Muslims questioning their strict discipline.  Said one Imam:

Yes there girls were slutty western trash.  They dressed in provocative western clothing and talked online with boys.  But that is no reason to kill them all.  Perhaps only kill one as an example.  And if the others do not pay heed have them clitorally circumcised.  After all, we are not savages. We just don’t want our women to grow up to be wild western women.  It’s just that it’s bad enough women are useless but to have them dishonor their family by adopting western styles is just too much.  So in short, kill one, circumcise the others.

These statements are seen as a positive first step by many. National Organization of  Women President Terry O’Neill welcomed the change.

I support female circumcision as part of the rich cultural tradition of Islam, and in the cultural context of their religion women are worthless.  So honor killings will be inevitable.  But they should be safe, legal and rare.  I mean, when a Muslim man kills his daughter it could be worse.  It’s not like he’s a Republican capitalist who isn’t paying his fair share of taxes.

The new guidelines appear to be bearing fruit.  Forty three percent of Muslim men now say that if their wife gives them a useless girl they will cripple it but probably won’t kill it.  Not the first child anyway.

February has traditionally been black history month.  Well now I am proud to announce that in addition to this February will now be known as Manhattan Infidel month.  Both deserve to have a month named in their honor. Blacks have made numerous important contributions to American culture.  Manhattan Infidel has pictures of me smoking, wearing a cheerleading outfit and singing Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes. So let’s just get the damn month over with alright? Yeah, I like to sing show tunes while dressed as a cheerleader.  It relaxes me.  Deal with it.  You know what?  I don’t need this shit I’m a billionaire.

The schedule of events for Manhattan Infidel month is as follows:

• On Monday February 13th Manhattan Infidel will give a five-hour speech from the steps of city hall while wearing only underwear.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who do not will have to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear.  Those who refuse to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear will be forced to wear his underwear on their head.  Those who refuse to wear his underwear on their head will be given New York Knicks tickets.  Those who refuse New York Knicks tickets will be given New York Mets tickets.  Those who refuse New York Mets tickets will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother.
• On Wednesday February 15th Manhattan Infidel will hold an exclusive invitation-only “bobbing for razor blades” social at the 25th street armory.  Those who are invited to attend but refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother and deliver New York Mets tickets.
• On Thursday February 16th Broadway will be renamed “Pussy Galore” Avenue. Why?  Because that’s what Manhattan Infidel wants.  And it’s not wise to go against the will of Manhattan Infidel.  Not while he’s off his meds anyway.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend the renaming ceremony.  Those who refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy pour lotion on their mother’s back while asking her “if she’s into it?“
• On Saturday February 18th Manhattan Infidel will be making a personal appearance at Fitzgerald’s Pub between the hours of opening and closing.  Manhattan Infidel will be signing autographs, posing for pictures and handing out his underwear.  All New Yorkers and all those who read his blog will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have Ron Jeremy “audition” their mother for a film role.
• And finally on Friday February 24th Manhattan Infidel month will close with a special ceremony where Manhattan Infidel will be captured and re-institutionalized.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have their mother bear Ron Jeremy’s love child.

And there you have it readers.  Manhattan Infidel month promises to be the start of a great tradition.  Void where prohibited by law.

As part of the traditional Groundhog Day celebration at the Staten Island Zoo, Chuck, a peace-loving and gentle groundhog emerged from his burrow.  But before he had a chance to see his shadow Mayor Bloomberg, perhaps in revenge for a 2009 incident where Chuck bit him, strangled him in front of astonished and horrified onlookers.

“The mayor literally squeezed the life out of him” said one woman.

“I haven’t stopped crying” said another.

“My children keep asking me what death is” declared a third woman.

For his part Mayor Bloomberg defended his actions.

I have a responsibility as the ruler of all New Yorkers to make sure that the quality of life remains high.  When I picked up Staten Island Chuck I was amazed at how overweight he was.  There can be no doubt that soda is to blame.  He probably is chugging down a few liters of Pepsi every day.  By killing him I prevented him from getting diabetes from all the sugar.  I saved him from having to get a limb amputated.

Bloomberg also maintained that he had a moral responsibility to kill Chuck and that leaving him alive would have been sinful.

It is my job to warn all New Yorkers about the dangers to their soul caused by sense-excitation, which as we all know is the gateway to concupiscence.  Staten Island Chuck excited the senses putting the lives of my subjects in jeopardy.  You’ll thank me for this one day. 

However many are not buying the Mayor’s explanation.  Salil Shetty, Secretary General of Amnesty International expressed outrage.

This was a judicial murder carried out by the state.  I ask all enlightened people to contact Mayor Bloomberg and tell him that in today’s day and age the death penalty is not an acceptable option.

Staten Island Chuck leaves behind a wife, Clarice and six young groundhogs.  Speaking to reporters the grieving widow reminisced about the first time she him.

I was love at first sight.  He was so cute. He was floating on a log in the Arthur Kill playing with his genitals and making mating noises.  He looked just like Pee Wee Herman.  I knew he was the woodchuck for me.  Well, at least until the next mating cycle.

Per Staten Island Chuck’s last will and testament his body will be placed by fellow groundhogs on logs before being set on fire.

MI:  Thank you for the opportunity to interview you.

LL:  Not at all.  It’s my pleasure

MI:  Let’s start at the beginning.  You were born in Ballymena, County Antrim, Northern Ireland and raised as a Catholic.  You were actually named after the parish priest.

LL:  Yes, yes I was. Ah, bless my heart you have done your homework haven’t you, Infidel?

MI:   I pride myself on doing my homework, attention to detail and looking good in women’s clothing.

LL:  Ah, don’t we all.

MI:  Let’s discuss your spiritual views now.  Are you still a Catholic?

LL:  No.  I was reared a Catholic but I think every day we have to ask ourselves what are we doing on this planet?  What’s it all about?  I’m always reading books on God or the absence of God and atheism.

MI:  I see.  That’s commendable of you.  So where has your spiritual journey taken you?  Where are you now?

LL:  I’ve converted to Islam.

MI:  Wow.  This will come as a shock to many of my readers.  What made you decide to convert?

LL:  Islamic prayer got into my spirit when I was filming in Istanbul.  The call to prayer happens five times a day.  It gets into your spirit.  It’s the most beautiful thing.

MI:  Okay.  I guess no one can fault you for honestly exploring your spirituality. What else attracted to you to Islam?

LL:  I like the idea of living in backwardness and filth. Modern hygiene is so Christian, don’t you think, Infidel?

MI:  Um.  I’ll have to take your word on that.  Anything else?

LL:  I have a few female dogs.  

MI:  Yes?

LL:  I just had them clitoraly circumcised.

MI:  My god why?

LL:  I don’t want them to become wild, promiscuous western dogs.

MI:  This is getting uncomfortable.  Let’s change the subject.  You look stockier.  Have you been putting on weight?  Perhaps for a film role?

LL:  Laddie, you noticed my suicide vest.

MI: Your what?

LL:  My suicide vest.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to blow you up now.

MI:  Why?

LL:  You’re an enemy of the prophet.  Now just relax.  This won’t hurt a bit.

MI:  Bullshit.

LL:  Ah, you have me on that.  It’ll hurt a lot.

MI:  Wait….NO!!

LL:  Allah Akbar!!

At this point the tape recording of the interview ended with the sound of a loud bang, screams and moaning.  In keeping with his last will and testament Manhattan Infidel’s ashes will be scattered over Olivia Wilde.

Chuck Todd:  Thank you Chris.  

Chris Matthews:  What do you make of Romney’s overwhelming victory tonight?

Chuck Todd:  Republicans have woken up. They now know that voting for Gingrich is stupid.  Gingrich is stupid.  Those who vote for him are stupid.

Chris Matthew:  I agree.  Normally the mental inferiority of Republicans vis-a-vis we Democrats is manifest.  But by voting for Romney some of our intelligence has rubbed off on these stupid crackers. By the way, you’re from Florida aren’t you?

Chuck Todd:  Yes I was born and raised in that stupid abomination of a cracker state.  But being a Democrat I was smart enough to leave.

Chris Matthews: You don’t have a cracker accent.

Chuck Todd:  As a liberal Democrat I abhor southern accents.  A southern accent is ipso facto evidence of stupidity.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chucky Chuck.  I’m joined next by MSNBC carpet muncher Rachel Maddow.  Rachel, any comments on the election results.

Rachel Maddow:  Chuck, these results are a victory for intelligence - 

Chris Matthews:  Ever use a strap-on?

Rachel Maddow:  Intelligent people do.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Rachel.  If you have just joined us the end of the world has been postponed.  Stupid, fat Newt Gingrich with his stupid fat accent has lost.  A northern Republican, granted as a Republican he is still by definition stupid and racist just not as much as a southerner, has won the  primary.  I’m Chris Matthews and I’m hungry.  I’m joined by Pope Sharpton, spiritual leader of the black race.  Pope Sharpton I’m hungry.  Where is my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  I do not have your pizza!  I am a respected political correspondent!

Chris Matthews:  You slay me!  Seriously where’s my pizza?

Al Sharpton:  Resist we - 

Chris Matthews:  Good night Al.  Don’t dare come back without my pizza.  I’m Chris Matthews and if you’re just joining me smartness is good.  Stupidity is bad.  Smart Republicans have chosen the man without the cracker accent.  I’m Chris Matthews and I now return you to your regularly scheduled program:  “Lockup with Stupid Tattooed Crackers.”

• Reducing people of other races to stereotypes

Believing that some races are better at certain jobs or functions is just wrong.  Granted not as wrong as Kathy Bates nude scene in About Schmidt but wrong nevertheless.   Unless of course we are referring to Croatians and their natural ability to play basketball.  Those bastards.

• Pride in one’s country

Being proud of your country is an obvious sign of racism.  For example many people (probably bitter clingers to guns and religion) believe that the United States is a “great” country.  If America is so great how come it’s not a socialist country?  Look at the many evils of America:  Income inequality. Capitalism.  The New York Mets.  How can an intelligent person believe this country is great?

• Association

Racists love to associate with each other in racist organizations such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Boy Scouts and Arizona.  If you belong to any of these organizations you are a racist. If you are  Ku Klux Klan member who lives in Arizona and are a scout master you are a triple racist, like Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

• Invisibility

 It is typical of racists to ignore social injustice.  If you believe that you are under no obligation to curb obvious social injustices such as income inequality or Justin Beiber you are a racist.

• Cheese

Cheese is a notoriously racist food.   Cheese is white or yellow.  Why is there no black cheese?  (Excepting the cheese in the back of my refrigerator of course.)  If you like to eat cheese, if you have ever eaten cheese, if you have ever seen cheese in a supermarket, if you have ever seen a picture of cheese you are a racist.  A racist who belongs to the Ku Klux Klan.  And lives in Arizona.  And you are probably a scout master.

• Spontaneous respiration

Do you inhale and exhale?  Do you do this without even thinking about it?  Then you are a racist. Spontaneous respiration kills polar bears.  Don’t ask how.  The science is settled.

• Penises

The penis is a racist organ.  There is a scientific correlation between penile erection, violence and fear.  The penis is evil.  The penis shoots seeds and makes new life to poison the Earth with the plague of men.

And there you have it readers.  Be on the lookout for cheese-eating Ku Klux Klan members from Arizona who have penises.  Most likely they are racist.

• “Work” will now be considered a racist code word.  If you use the word “work” in conversation you are a racist who hates people of color.   For example:  If you say, “It’s been a long day at work” we know what you are really saying is “If only I had more time to lynch black folk.”  Face it.  You are racist.  How long have you been voting Republican?
• “Hello” is a racist code word.  Here is a typical example:  If you say, “Hello. Nice to meet you”  what you are really saying is “Hello.  Where is the Klan meeting?” Face it whitey.  You are a despicable example of institutional white racism.  You are probably a Republican.
• “Constitution” is now a racist code word.  By even bringing up the constitution of the United States in conversation you are proving what a racist you are.  If you believe that the constitution gave us a limited government you are racist.  You are using your so-called belief in this so-called “constitution” as cover for your deep-seated hatred of all peoples of color.
• “Cheese” is a racist code word. If you say “I have too much cheese in my diet.  No wonder I’m constipated” what you are really saying is, “I want to bring back slavery.“
• “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a racist code word.  Why?  Don’t argue with me I’m a liberal.  You’re probably just too stupid to understand the connection you racist Republican.
• The letter “N” is racist a racist code word.  Well, letter anyway.  So now instead of simply finding the “N” word offensive, any word with any letter “N” in it is evidence of deep seated racism. If you use any words with the letter “N” in it you are racist.  Until the World Conference against Racism (WCAR) can come up with a replacement for the letter “N” I suggest that instead of using that letter, one should put one’s hands on one’s hips and say, “I’m a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout.” By doing this everyone will know you are not racist.
• “Zeppo Marx” is a racist code phrase.  If anyone dares mention Zeppo Marx, in speech or in writing,  let him be anathema.

And there you have it.  Just avoid using these racist code words and all will be okay. There are more racist code words of course that I haven’t mentioned here because of time constraints.  I’m off to a “Just say no to Zeppo Marx” conference.

I enjoy saying no to Zeppo Marx.  It makes me feel good about myself.

MI:  Good morning Captain.

CC:  Good morning.  I’m grateful for the opportunity to get my side of the story out.

MI:  Okay let’s start with that.  How did all this come about?

CC:  Well one day I got a call from the White House.  Michelle Obama wanted to speak to me.  She was concerned about the obesity epidemic in America and didn’t like that fact that I contained 12 grams of sugar in a single serving.

MI:  And what was your response to her concerns?

CC:  I’m afraid I didn’t handle it too well.  I lost my temper and asked her what part of the f#($ing constitution gives her the f#$#ing right to monitor the f#*#ing cereal children eat.  I apologize for my language.

MI:  You’re a sailor.  Sailors are supposed to have salty language.   But back to the First Lady.  What happened after that?

CC:   Well it seems she didn’t like someone pissing in her cornflakes, to borrow a phrase.  She went to Pepsico and told them to stop marketing me.  Next thing you know I’m being called into the home office and told that I had two choices:  Accept a demotion to Commander or retire.  Me?  The Captain accept a demotion?  I should be an f#($ing Admiral for f#$ing Christ’s sake.  I mean, all the joy I’ve given children throughout the years.

MI:  I admit I used to eat you for breakfast all the time when I was a kid.

CC:  See.  And didn’t you enjoy eating the Captain? Didn’t you enjoy putting me in your mouth?

MI:  Um.

CC:  Tasting me.  Taking all of me in your mouth and letting it go down your throat?

MI:  Okay. Well I thank you for your time.

CC:  Yeah, you liked that didn’t you?  Come on.  Take the Captain. Take it all!  You know you f#$*ing want it.  Gag on the Captain!

MI:  What the hell -

CC:  I’m sorry.  It’s just that….just that since the First Lady forced me to retire I haven’t been on a ship.  I miss the companionship of a couple hundred men living together. Enjoying each others company.  Showering together.  Manly naked wrestling matches.  No women whatsoever to ruin our manly pursuits.

MI: Um.  Your fly - it’s down.

CC:  Oh my.  How did that happen.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

CC:  Come back anytime.  You can be my first mate.

And so ended my interview with the Captain.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a shower.