Manhattan Infidel

The political season is in full swing.  Primaries have come and gone.  Candidates have bowed out.  And soon it will be time to choose a candidate to run against President Obama in 2012.   And with this choice comes many questions.  Should the Republicans choose the most “electable” candidate (as electability is defined by the press and the Republican leadership)?  Should a candidate be chosen that represents tea party principles and one vowed to dramatically cut spending?  Should Manhattan Infidel stop hanging around playgrounds offering candy to high school girls?  But what if they are hot?  And so with these questions in mind over the weekend I conducted a totally scientific phone survey.

Note:  This phone survey has a margin of error of +/- 100 percent.

Being a hard-working productive type drunk stumbling home after the bars closed I started my survey at 5 AM Saturday morning.

• Should Republicans settle for Mitt Romney?  After all the  point is to get a candidate elected.

55% answered “Yes.  Let’s be realistic.“  35% said they preferred another candidate.  Seven percent answered “Who the hell is this? Do you know what time it is?”  Two percent answered “Yes I am naked why do you ask?” and one percent responded, “Help me please.  There’s a man in my house and he’s got a gun!”  

To that one percent I say “Hey lady I have my own problems.”

• Should the prospective Republican nominee pledge to uphold the ninth and tenth amendments and curb the power of the Federal government?

An astonishing 85% answered in the affirmative.  “We are in a crisis” “The Feds are out of control” and “The government has too much power” were some of the typical comments.

Ten percent answered no.  “Now is not the time” and “Lets just worry about getting Romney elected” they told me.

Four percent answered “Look, I already told you I’m naked what the hell do you want”  and one percent answered “Please. He has a gun. I’ve barricaded myself in the bedroom but I don’t know how long I can hold him off.”

To the one percent I answer, “Invest in Gold!  And a home security system.”

• Should there be a constitutional amendment seeking to pay off the debt and/or the deficit?

On this question there was much unanimity.  93% answered yes.  Three percent said no.  Three percent said, “No you can’t come over and watch me sleep naked!” and one percent said “Oh god he’s breaking down the door. Help me!’

To the one percent I say, “It’s all about you isn’t it?”

• Are you into it?  I can provide my own nipple clamps if you’re worried about cost. 

On this question the response was varied.  53% “Hot diggity dog!”  (I’m paraphrasing of course.  The actual words might have been more like “pervert!“)  35% replied, “Nasty boy when can you come over?” (Though again the actual words may have been more like “Stop sending me photos of your junk.”)  Six percent replied “What the hell does this have to do with the election?”  Five percent told me that if I did not stop asking them if they slept naked they would get a lawyer and one percent responded, “Don’t shoot me!  For the love of god don’t shoot!”

To the one percent I politely ask what the hell does this have to do with my nipple clamps?

• Seriously.  Nipple clamps baby.  Nipple clamps! 

An astonishingly high 75% hung up on me.  20% replied “For the last time stop asking me if I sleep naked.  The hell with a lawyer I’m coming after you.”  Four percent replied ”Do you hang out at Fitzgerald’s Pub often?“  36% replied “I am not good at math” and one percent said, “I’m shot!”

To the one percent I say, “You are dead to me!”

And there you have it readers.  Once again I thank all those who participated in the survey, especially those who were sleeping naked.

Here at Manhattan Infidel I am continually humbled by the Hollywood superstars who want to drop by for an interview.  And today is no exception.  I am pleased to have with me Mark Wahlberg, star of the new movie……well I’ve forgotten the title.  No big deal.  I heard it sucks anyway.

MI:  Good morning Mr. Wahlberg.

MW:  Do I frighten you?  You look frightened.

MI:  No…no actually I’m not frightened.

MW:  You should be.  I’m Mark Wahlberg.  I’m a bad ass.  I crush aluminum cans with my butt cheeks.

MI:  I see.

MW:  I arm wrestle kindergartners.  And win.

MI:  Okay.

MW:  And then I crush them with my butt cheeks.   

MI: You mentioned you were a bad ass.  Let’s talk about that.  You’re an action movie star.  You recently mentioned in an interview that if you were aboard the flight hijacked by Mohammed Atta on 9/11 things would have been different.  That you would have battled the terrorists.  That, and I’m quoting, “There would have been lots of blood in the first class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely.  Don’t worry.’ ”

MW:  Yes.  That’s true.  I would have crushed Mohammed Atta’s face with my butt cheeks.  They can crush anything.  Did you know that my butt cheeks have won first prize in the butt cheek crushing competition five years in a row?

MI:  I - I did not know that.

MW:  Let me demonstrate.  Give me your cat. 

Cat: Meow.

MW:  [Placing cat between his buttocks.]  AAAAAAAAAAA!  Butt clench! [spurt of blood]

MI:  Oh now that’s disgusting.

MW:  Don’t worry.  Your cat felt no pain.  Only the awesome pleasure of being inside my butt cheeks.

MI:  I have to clean that up.  I’m going to ask you to leave now.

MW:  Would you like to get inside my butt cheeks?

MI:  No.  Please leave.

MW: You have a plant over there!  Hey plant.  My name is Mark Wahlberg.  I’m just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes.  We’re just here to use the bathroom and we’re going to leave.  I hope that’s okay.

MI:  Please leave.  Please leave now.

MW:  I think your plant sees me as a threat.  Maybe I should crush it with my butt cheeks?

MI:  Goodbye.

And so ended my interview with Mark Wahlberg who can currently be seen in the new movie that I’ve forgotten the name of but I hear it sucks.

Upon waking up this morning wearing woman’s clothing and heavily bruised refreshed and ready to great the day I decided to pick up the morning papers spend 15 minutes vomiting and checking my backside for new tattoos to see what I would write about.

After spending an hour watching The View studiously reading the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal and taking notes on all the articles I can’t read  I still had no subject for today’s post.

In short, I was facing a quandary.  Much like Robert E. Lee when he had to decide between taking command of the Union Army or resigning his commission and fighting for the Confederacy or Barney Frank when he has to decide which Twilight movie to watch I was at a crossroads.

My public I am delusional expects me to write about current events.  And as a card-carrying member of the Main Stream Media I have a responsibility to present the facts vote Democratic.

And so readers like a member of the Main Stream Media I now give you the facts make the whole damn thing up.

Presenting breaking news and subjects for today’s post:

NANCY PELOSI CRUSHES BALL SACKS!!

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has come under fire after it was discovered that she likes to crush ball sacks while singing Gilbert and Sullivan show tunes.

Said Pelosi, “It’s true.  I’ve been doing this for years.  It helps me relax.  I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues in congress and my constituents.   Hey you….yeah you.  Get your ball sack over here!”

MICHELLE OBAMA ADMITS SHE’S A ROMULAN!!

First Lady Michelle Obama admitted today, when questioned about her past, that she is actually a Romulan.

“I am from the Romulan Empire.  And the Romulan Empire is a compassionate empire where capitalism is outlawed and socialism is the chief economic system.  We Romulans care for everybody who happens to be in our Empire.  Except for the Klingons.  They can go to hell.”

JOE BIDEN ADMITS HE SOMETIMES GET CONFUSED!!

Vice President Joe Biden, speaking to a phone booth in Jackson Hole, Wyoming admitted that he sometimes gets very confused.

“I sometimes lose touch with reality” admitted the VP.   He then waited patiently inside the phone booth for Dr. Who to show up.  At press time he was still in the booth.

And that readers is the latest news that’s fit to print make up.

The world rejoiced when new parents Beyoncé  and Jay-Z welcomed their new daughter Blue Ivy Carter.  But explosive new allegations of preferential treatment for this important couple threatens to shake America to its foundations.

It is alleged that Beyoncé and Jay-Z placed private security in the maternity ward and that this security in effect “locked down” the natal intensive care unit preventing parents who aren’t as important as Beyoncé and Jay-Z from seeing their new children.  Said one person who was affected:

They just used the hospital like it was their own and nobody else mattered.  They locked us into the NICU and would say, “You can’t come out into the hallway for the next 20 minutes.  These are parents going through very stressful times.  To have the circus roll into town, having to deal with all this drama because someone is a superstar isn’t fair.

Defending the actions of his wife and himself, Jay-Z issued this statement:

First off, I’d like to thank all our fans for the good wishes they have given us on the birth of our lovely daughter.  It is comforting to have so many little people praying for us.

Now as for the allegations.  Yes, we did hire extra security during our stay in the hospital.  This is only normal.  When you are important like we are people try to take advantage of you. So yes, we “locked down” the NICU.  How are we to know that some father who is visiting the ward and crying because his child was born premature isn’t using that as an excuse to take a picture of us and sell it to the tabloids?  Little people sometimes do this.  And yes, one of my security guards did rough up a new father but that is only because this man turned his back on my guard.  And when you turn your back on my employee you turn your back on me, Jay-Z.  And when you turn your back on Jay-Z you commit lese-majesté, which obviously cannot be tolerated in our Republic.  I mean, the guy who was beat up - has he ever met President Obama?  Has he sat in the oval office? No?  I thought not.  That is all my subjects.

A spokesman for Lenox Hill Hospital where the power couple stayed said that it “is not unusual” to use extra security when dealing with celebrities.

“I mean, come on, if poor people want preferential treatment let them play basketball or rap.”

As for the unlucky man who was beaten by  Jay-Z’s security he is a different, humbled man who has learned his lesson.

“I have to be more respectful to my superiors.  Sure my child died when the NICU was locked down and I didn’t get a chance to see her but it’s not like she was Beyoncé’s kid so it doesn’t really matter.”

Faced with the reality of a changing economic situation, Satan has announced that all souls tortured for eternity will now have to purchase a Personal Seat License (PSL).

Speaking from his vacation home in Long Island, Satan said, “Yeah, I didn’t want to have to do this. But economic reality is economic reality.   And if the Jets and the Carolina Panthers can do it why not Hell?”

Shortly after the new year condemned souls were sent the following form letter:

Dear condemned souls:

Thank you for your loyalty to Hell.  For the third decade in a row Hell has beaten out Detroit as the destination of choice for the condemned.  I and my fellow demons thank you.

However we cannot continue to give you the top notch services Hell provides without making upgrades.  As many of you know, our boiler needs to be replaced.  Several times last year the boiler stopped working and the temperature in Hell plummeted from 1000 to a comfortable 72.5 degrees Fahrenheit.  Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered the souls in my charge were no longer roasting in flames!

Also, I am planning an upgrade of Hell.  As you know we are running out of space and our temporary expedient of housing the overflow condemned in Philadelphia cannot continue for much longer.  

So raising cash is a priority and PSLs are the best way of doing it. 

What’s in it for me you may ask?  Well, by buying a PSL you will be guaranteed the same seat in Hell.  In addition you can transfer your PSL to a soul you’d like to see condemned.  (Perhaps your accountant or the man your wife left you for?)

Please reply to this letter ASAP. Do not lose your seat in Hell!

Satan

Satan’s plan to offer PSLs has proved controversial.  From his location in the seventh circle of Hell, Adolph Hitler expressed his concerns:

I like it where I am. I don’t want to move.  I’m comfortable here.  I’m closer to the action and the demon who’s in charge of disemboweling me for all eternity is a real nice guy.  We have a good relationship.  I’d prefer not to buy a PSL but I guess it’s just the price I’m going to have to pay to maintain my position.

Another condemned soul who prefers to remain anonymous told reporters that “contrary to popular belief not everyone who goes to Hell is rich. I can’t afford a PSL and I don’t want to go to Detroit.  It’s always the little guy who gets screwed.”

Indeed many of the condemned have started talking about a class action lawsuit against Satan.  The good news?  Plenty of lawyers in Hell.

“Sucks about that” said Satan.  “I may have to raise my standards to exclude the lawyers.”

Condemned souls have until February 12th to buy a PSL or lose their seat.

A marijuana cigarette (aliases include “Mary Jane” “pot” and “reefer“) was arrested at a border checkpoint in West Texas today for possession of the rapper Snoop Dogg.

According to the local sheriff’s office it was after a border agent pulled the marijuana cigarette’s tour bus over that a sniffer dog detected the presence of Snoop Dog (real name Calvin Broadus) in the back of the bus.

Since this was not the first time that marijuana was caught in possession of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was immediately placed under arrest.

Through his lawyer the marijuana cigarette said that he has a prescription for medicinal Snoop Dogg in his home state of California because he suffers from migraines, blurred vision and the munchies.

“Be that as it may” said the sheriff “in Texas we have a zero tolerance policy towards Snoop Dogg.”

The arrest of the cigarette shocked and angered many of his friends.  Though it is well-known that in the past marijuana often bragged of his use of Snoop Dogg the cigarette was left alone as part of an unspoken détente between law enforcement and marijuana.  Many appear worried that this détente is now at an end.

With the arrest the debate over the possible decriminalization of Snoop Dogg will most likely come to the forefront again.

Speaking from his home Willie Nelson told reporters that “I’ve been using Snoop Dogg for years without any side effects.  And Snoop Dogg does not lead to anything stronger.  Well, maybe Mos Def but that’s about it.”

The spokesman for the Normalization of Snoop Dogg (NormSD) released a statement that said:

People are going to use Snoop Dogg.  You know that.  I know that.  So why not just let them?  Yes, in a perfect world Snoop Dogg use would be rare if not used at all but this isn’t a perfect world.  There are worse things people can use like alcohol or Vanilla Ice.  Some people just need Snoop to relax.  So I say be loud, be proud and use Snoop Dogg!

So far none of the candidates for President has spoken out publicly on the Snoop Dogg controversy but is it rumored that if Ron Paul is elected he will legalize him.

As for Mr. Dogg himself, he is quoted as saying, “I’m not that bad. It’s just that people have a need for me.”

The marijuana cigarette was released on bail and will have to appear in court in March.

Hoping to muscle in on rivals ABC and ESPN, NBC has launched its own sports network.

“Just like MSNBC has become a brand name for progressive politics, the NBC Sports Network will be the home of progressive coverage for sports” said NBC Sports Chairman Mark Lazarus. “Lean forward!  Well, except in yachting which could lead to drowning.”

The first event shown on the NBC sports network was a hockey game between the New York Rangers and St. Louis Blues.  In that game Ranger goalie Henrik Lundqvist blocked a shot on goal by Right Wing Ryan Reaves, coincidentally one of the few African-Americans in the sport.  Afterwards, true to the progressive bent of the new network Lundqvist was interviewed by Bob Costas.

Bob Costas:  Henrik, first off great game tonight.

Henrik Lundqvist:  Thank you.  

Bob Costas:  Why did you block Reaves shot?

Henrik Lundqvist:  That’s my job.  I’m a goalie.

Bob Costas: But Reaves is an African American.  Do you think you had the right to block his shot?  What about his civil rights?  Are you a segregationist?

Henrik Lundqvist:  What?

Bob Costas:  Are you a tea bagger?  A racist?  Ever lynch a black man?

Henrik Lundqvist:  What the hell are you talking about?

Bob Costas:  Henrik thank you for your time.  I’ll let you get back to your Klan meeting.  Well there you have it America.  Definitive proof of racism in the NHL.

The Sports Network plans on carrying a heavy quota of NBA games.

“Nowhere does the spirit of progressiveness stand out more than the predominantly African-American NBA” said Lazarus.

Speaking at the introductory press conference, Dick Vitale announced how happy he was to be broadcasting the games.

“Black people baby.   Oh yeah!  Black people are in the house baby!”

NBC hopes to showcase progressive traditions by introducing new rules to games it televises.

Scores will not be kept.  We believe that these so-called final scores are arbitrary and do nothing to make people feel good about themselves.  Also, those who have more talent will be restricted in their playing time.  It just isn’t fair that they should have better stats.

And as the cornerstone of the new progressive network, NBC has announced that it is forming its own professional sports league whose games will be shown exclusively on the network.

Starting in Spring the games of the Jewish Lesbian Transgendered Women of Color Softball League will be aired on Prime Time.

“It’s got everything.  Softball.  Jews.  Transsexuals.  Jewish Transsexuals.  Jewish black transsexuals.  Jewish black lesbian transsexuals!” declared an ecstatic Lazarus.

Good evening.  I’m Chris Matthews.  Tonight we had  our first primary in the state of New Hampshire.  Why New Hampshire? Why does this state get the first primary?  Simply put Republicans hate Negroes.  Do I have proof of this?  I’m Chris Matthews and I work for MSNBC.  I am joined by MSNBC chief political correspondent Chuck Todd.  Good evening Chuck.

Chuck Todd:  Good evening Chris.

Chris Matthews:  Chuck do you have any thoughts on Mitt Romney’s win tonight?

Chuck Todd:  Well obviously while New Hampshire is predominantly white the state does have a higher class of white people than lowly Iowa. I was heartened by Rick Santorum’s low finish.

Chris Matthews:  Thank you Chuck.  You know I almost forgot you were a white man when I was talking to you. 

Chuck Todd:  I am taking medicine to make me black.

Chris Matthews:  Good for you.  When you make my leg tingle we’ll talk.   I’m also joined by His Holiness Pope Sharpton, leader of the people who make my leg tingle.  Pope Al Sharpton joins us from a Papa John’s pizza.  Good evening your holiness.

Pope Sharpton:   Resist -

Chris Matthews:   Do you have my pizza?

Pope Sharpton:  Resist we - 

Chris Matthews:  Cut his microphone.  Don’t come back until you have my pizza.   I’m Chris Matthews and I love black people.  I am now joined by Mike Lupica from his home in Connecticut.  Good evening Mike.  Any thoughts on Rick Santorum’s low showing?

Mike Lupica:  I’m heartened that - just a second Chris I have to talk to my maid.  [Speaking to maid] This Chateau le Blanc ‘68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled.  This is room temperature!  Do you want a green card? Do you?  Hablo Ingleso do you-oh? Then start doing your job better.  Now get back in the kitchen!  [To Matthews]  Sorry about that Chris.  It is so hard to find good help nowadays.

Chris Matthews:  I know.  Pope Sharpton still hasn’t brought my pizza yet.  I notice your maid was not white.

Mike Lupica:  I live in a lily white neighborhood.  I hired her because I am pro-diversity.  As long as the diversity isn’t in my neighborhood.

Chris Matthews:  She makes my leg tingle.  Well I’m Chris Matthews.  Mitt Romney has won  the New Hampshire primary.  But more importantly where the hell is my pizza?  Now the Republicans go on to South Carolina.  Will a slave owner win in that state?  I’m Chris Matthews saying good night and if anyone has seen Pope Sharpton make sure he has my pizza.

Recently I had the honor to sit down with the much-respected actress Ellen Barkin.  We discussed her career and topics of current interest.  I thank Miss Barkin for taking time out of her busy schedule to meet with me.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.  It’s not often I get an actress of your respected stature to visit me and my humble blog.

EB:  Are you a fascist?

MI:  No.  I’m a Capricorn actually.

EB:  You look like a fascist.  A fascist like Mayor Bloomberg and his goose-steppers in the NYPD.

MI:  Um.  Let’s talk about your career.

EB:  If President Obama, God bless the dear leader, loses the 2012 election America will turn into a police state.  No sh*t.  I’m terrified.

MI:  Do you have proof of this?

EB:  I don’t need proof.  I’m a progressive.  It’s an article of our faith.

MI: Back to your career.  Your breakout role was in the film Diner.

EB:  F#ck all of you.  Bloomberg and everyone goosestepping behind you.

MI:  I - 

EB:  New York City cops are arresting dark-skinned teenagers everyday.

MI:  Well to you I think an albino would be dark-skinned.

EB:  Silence fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI:  Okay since you don’t want to talk about your career let’s switch subjects.  You support the Occupy Wall Street movement, don’t you?

EB:  Yes!  We are the 99 percent.  End corporate personhood!  You are the violence in this city!

MI:  What is it about the Occupy movement that attracts you?

EB:  I despise capitalism.  It oppresses the people.

MI:  Okay as long as we are on the subject of capitalism, you were married to Ron Perelman.

EB:  Your point?

MI:  My point?  He’s a very rich capitalist.  He left you 40 million in the divorce  settlement.

EB:  Fascist!  Fascist!  I should have expected a fascist like you to use dirty tactics.  I’m trying to free the people and redistribute the income.

MI:  Well why don’t you redistribute some of yours?

EB:  Fascist!  When Obama wins reelection you will be silenced!

MI: You already said that.

EB:  Silence fascist.  You shall be - 

MI:  You know what.  I’m out of here. You’re about as boring as an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

EB:  Fascist!  You shall be - 

MI:  Silenced I know.  Bye.

EB:  Where are you going?  I”m not crazy!  Bagel Street?  Don’t talk to me about Bagel street.   A terrible thing happened to me on Bagel Street.  A safe fell out of a 15-story building and killed me.

MI:  Well as long as you’re dead there’s no use asking you where the Susquehanna hat company is.

EB:  Susquehanna! Susquehanna!  That’s the hat I was wearing the day I was killed!  Susquehanna!

And so my interview with the respected actress ended.  Once again I thank Miss Barkin for her time.

King Kong, the abnormally large primate, has been arrested, fined and released by the NYPD after his climb up the Empire State Building.

Speaking to reporters outside the Midtown South Precinct on 35th street where he was brought for booking, Kong expressed dismay at his arrest.

This whole thing was blown out of proportion.  Look, I’m just a tourist.  That’s all.  Millions of tourists come to New York City every year.  I just wanted to see the view from the top of the Empire State Building but I’m too big to fit in the elevator so I climbed up the outside of the bulding.  Who did I hurt?  I mean, besides the planes I swatted down?  I was just chilling and enjoying the view when planes showed up and started firing on me.  So I said to myself, “Self, this isn’t a good situation.”  So I climb back down.  And when I get to the ground the NYPD arrests me. For what?  They even made me pee in a cup!

For their part the NYPD is claiming that Kong’s climb up the Empire State Building represented a significant threat, frightened citizens, and in this time of budget cutting, resulted in significant costs in overtime for the NYPD and the sanitation department.

From police headquarters in One Police Plaza Ray Kelly, Commissioner of the NYPD said that Mr. Kong’s actions were illegal and that his department reacted appropriately to the threat.

We received reports that an abnormally sized primate was climbing up the side of the Empire State Building.  We immediately put our anti-terrorism task force into action, including helicopters and planes to stop the threat.  I am proud of our department.  I am proud of our actions.  Because of us no civilians were injured.  We did lose several uniformed officers when Kong deposited a pile of his feces onto 33rd street.  Several officers had to be dug out.  Some are still missing.  Mr. Kong has been charged with climbing up the outside of the Empire State Building without a permit and depositing waste onto a city street.  He has been released on his own recognizance.  

In addition to his trouble with the police, the FDA also would like to talk to Mr. Kong.  Margaret Hamburg, commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration has announced that she believes that Kong’s size is the result of “rampant abuse of steroids and HGH.”

In  a related note, after the disappointing end to their season, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has expressed interest in talking to Kong.

“With his size he’d be an asset to our defensive line.  He can help us go to the Superbowl.  Next year.  Maybe.  I know I say that every year.  But I’m an idiot.  An idiot who likes feet.”

The only problem? Kong is currently under contract to Manchester United of the Premiere League.